Chapter 13 - Familial love

Majority of the following day was almost like an exact replica of the others. I'm in the exact same state of helplessness and fatigued by sadness. The hours seemed to race by as I remained stagnant in the centre of all of the negativity directed at myself. 

That night too, Adelphos came into my room, looking somewhat drained of energy. "Are you okay? You haven't come out again today."

"Leave me alone." I mumble into the darkness. 

He bursts in anger that I didn't expect. "Just tell me what's wrong! How can we sort this out if you don't communicate?!"

But his anger only served to anger me in turn, like we were mirrors of one another. "What's communicating going to do?! You wouldn't understand if I don't even understand why I'm like this!"

"Just say it!" He yells out of frustration.

"I'm fucking scared! I'm so scared of opening up just to have everyone betray me." I break out in a sob. "How do I explain to you that I'm irrationally afraid of love? How can you, who is surrounded by love, understand what it feels like for me? I had nothing! At times when I had the most and got complacent, my mother left me behind. The one I would rely on most abandoned me, how can I put my faith in any one else?" I drag my knees to my chest as I sit in a small ball, hiding from his eyes and trying to comfort myself. I could feel the emotions I bottled up and held close to my heart, spilling out.

"You want the truth? I'm finally letting down my walls for you, but that terrifies me. When you leave what will I do, are you abandoning me like my mother had? I'm tired of being the only one there for me, I don't want to do that again." My voice shakes as I hug my trembling body tighter. I refuse to look up at Adelphos, worried about what face he's making. I look down at my bed and hear him slowly approach me and sit down beside me. He does not speak, leaving the air empty for me to fill and empty myself. 

"I just don't know what to do. Sadness is an uninvited guest who refuses to leave. While I sleep he barricades all of my doors and all of my windows. I breathe in his scent with every breath I take and I am suffocating. Everyone tells me to stop letting him in but I can't hold my breath forever. I was bound to break and shatter." I wipe my tears on my sleeves. "It's fine, I've learned long enough how to clean up after myself. I'll pull myself together before you leave." I offer a small, forced smile that makes my cheeks ache. "I've always been alone anyway, why am I so afraid of you leaving?" I laugh at myself in disbelief. 

He continues to remain silent. Gently raising his hand to encompass my curled up body, he pulls me into his chest and rests his cheek on the top of my head. In that silence I felt something that only made my fondness towards him grow - along with my fear of love. It was the realisation that he just accepts with no questions. With that, I kept rambling as if no amount of words could hold the weight of my unbearable emotions. I continued filling the silence that he thoughtfully offered me. 

"I - you already know about my depression. I just can't out run it." I laugh in desperation. "There are days when I'm just unable to deal with anything. Today is one of those days and I really ask for your understanding. I can't do anything about it. I'm trying my best to be happy but trying to hold onto happiness, for me, is like holding water in my hands. The harder I grasp at it, the quicker it forms puddles at my feet. My fears are all coming back and days like this, I miss my mother. I wish she was here to hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. But instead I'm having to battle my own mind in the darkness and solitude of my own room." I take a deep breath and softly whisper as the fatigue takes over me again "I just ... wish I could breathe a little easier." 

He gently kisses the top of my head before calmly speaking to me. "I know I'm not your mother... but I'm here to tell you that you're going to be okay. You're not alone. It's okay to feel sad, allow yourself to feel. Take however long you want. I'm- I know I yelled at you but I just couldn't understand. I'm sorry for that, it must've hurt you." Fresh tears roll down my cheeks at that and land on his arm. He tightens the hug and his voice shakes as he continues to comfort me to the best of his abilities. 

"You're not alone. I can't make up for the past but you're not alone right now. I'll always be there for you. I know everything is too scary at times, but I'm here to hold your hands in the scariest of moments. We'll get through this together. Even when I'm not physically here, I'll always be here for you. If you send me a letter saying that you need me, I'll be running back to hold you, until you get sick of me and tell me to get lost." He jokes to try to lighten the mood and I laugh faintly in response. 

Moving back slowly, he removes his right hand from my back and lifts my chin with his index finger until I'm looking at him, eye to eye. "Healing will happen in its own time, at its own pace. One day you will fall asleep wounded, and the next day you will wake up ready to take over the world. And I have full faith in you. You can get through this until you no longer have wounds, and instead have beautiful scars telling the story of your recovery. If you fall down, I hope you find it in yourself to stand again. If not, allow me to lay down with you. I need you to know that even if you sink into the darkness, I will never allow you to sink into loneliness. I'm here for you, always right here... Just extend your hand to let me in and I promise I'll do everything to make sure you never regret it. If you can put that little faith in me and hold my hand, I'll never let it go again." He smiles at me reassuringly. 

"Okay." I whisper with a genuine but small smile. I put my head back against his chest and he just holds onto me in silence until I fall back asleep.