Ep. 94 - Canon, Universe Bar Helpdesk, Rejoice, Priest!

And here we are: new year, new speech. What the fuck, I already start regretting my decisions.

I once again stood on the stage, but a Gate appeared high in the air above my students.

"Nope, not again! It's the third time in the last five months!" I said and jumped into the Gate. I once again cleared it in a couple of seconds. It wasn't even a red Gate, I just atomized everything in there. I stepped out and the Gate closed.

"Ok, forget about that please. Anyway, welcome to middle school or high school, depending on who you are! A lovely morning, isn't that right? Man, we are living in strange times! Kidnappings, more Gates, global warming, that one strange virus in China… Well, forget about that. You are now a part of this school, so you should enjoy your youth! (*flexes muscles in green spandex* YOUTH!) And look! We even have a Sakura tree this year! It really was that missing detail..." Obviously the tree was a miniaturized World Tree that would ensure the students' health. I then pretty much copied my usual speech, with a little variation since it's boring if I keep it the same each year. I then added a little something: "Since we are worried about the safety of our students, the school has established a dormitory system for the students that prefer staying on the campus, along with a shuttle service for those living far away. This is, of course, included in the fees, so you just need to decide whether you will take the offer or not. Your choice. Please, do not worry. The students from this school will be safe, that is for sure. Now, please go to your classes for homeroom and a rundown of the new system.

The parents can refer to the brochures or ask me questions, as usual. Man, can't believe I've been in this school for two decades! Feels repetitive!"

Yup, I have decided to make the school a little safer for those that are not involved with the canon aka the extras. Well, the students were all going towards their classes, but Rin first came to say 'hello'.

"Hey there, Uncle Tula! Had a nice vacation?"

"Yeah, would have been better if a certain girl with twintails didn't come to the bar every single day demanding private lessons and a redhead demanded I become her butler, but it was quite enjoyable nonetheless."

"Hey! It's not my fault if you are the best teacher I know! Well, I should go, see you around!"

"Ah, wait, Rin. This year there will be the Holy Grail War. Although you want to avenge your father, you don't have to do it alone. Whether you know it or not, there are a lot of potential allies. Me and the gang first and foremost. If you need help, don't hesitate and ask."

She looked a little sad, then said: "Sure. Thanks, I should go now, or homeroom will start without me." I smiled and nodded.

What a good child. Over the past few years she has opened a lot. She was enthusiastic like most children, but kept her private life to herself. She had a 'barrier' around herself, only showing a small part of herself. Well, four years of teaching, talking, and hot chocolate tend to help people open up. She also made friends with Rias and Sona, along with their peerages. I have been teaching all of them some magic and some martial arts, though Hecate and Pyrrha might have been a better choice. Rin immediately took up Jewel Magecraft and made great progress. I will give her a mystic code when the Grail War starts. It will be fun. I might as well participate after killing off the Matous. I will make it look like a fire.

Charles just stayed on his own with Yukino. On a side note, Hachiman also enrolled in school, and has actually made friends with Charles, Yukino, and Yui. What a good thing. I am happy for him.

Shirou was quite the annoying kid, but he does have a heart of gold, so he's fine, I guess. I am sure that he will summon Artoria once again. Well, I can always manipulate the artificial Throne of Heroes I made, but why would I? Isn't it more interesting if I leave it to fate?

Anyway, that is something I will think about at the end of the year. At the start, I have the Devils' plot to supervise. I want to see if Charles will intervene or not. I really can't see him doing so though. I think he wanted the abilities I gave him so that he can make a fortune as a Hunter and provide for Yukino, to be honest. I don't really care enough to actually think about it, so who cares?

And so, a month passed with nothing of importance happening. Well, something did happen today: Rin fled from her house and took refuge in the bar. Apparently, the Kirei in this universe is an asshole, even more than canon. I should clarify that I didn't take the original UBW, but a random alternate universe, to merge with the other ones, so I didn't know until now. I could have used Omniscience to learn everything about every single individual, but I wanted this universe to be a surprise to even me, so I limited the information I collected.

I'm digressing. Kirei wanted Rin to summon her Servant a lot of time before the start of the Grail War and take possession of it for himself, so Rin used a few of her improved jewels to escape. And so, here she is, crying while hugging me and shivering. Well, it must have been a pretty traumatic experience. Hm… I kinda took a liking to this little girl, so I might just torture Kirei before he is killed.

"Calm down, everything's alright… Stay here from now on. Nobody will be able to hurt you. Don't worry…" I started caressing her head as usual, until she actually fell asleep in my arms. Huh, this reminds me of when me and Weiss had a talk with her father. I remember that she fell asleep while crying on the spaceship. Talking about Weiss, should I tell her I can see her from the stairs?

"Weiss, could you bring her to a room? Maybe change her into some comfortable clothes?"

"Sure." she said and came to get the girl from my arms. "Hey, I've thought about this several times in the past, but do you have a hero complex, D-E-A-R?"

"You're scary as fuck. No, I don't have a complex. To be honest, I just kinda end up in these situations. I think I am way too gentle for my own good."

"Yeah, that's probably true… Well, you are my hero ever since I met you, so there's that."

I smiled and kissed her gently. "Well, you are my heroine, always."

Rin woke up a couple of hours afterwards. I was in a corner reading a book. There is this really good mystery series that I got into recently and I was about to discover who was the assassin when she started moving, more like tossing around. I waited a little until she understood what happened. Since I was curious and wanted to tease her a bit, in the hopes of distracting her, I read her mind.

'Oh God, what did I do?! I can't believe I came to the Headmaster of all people! Sure, he's kind, cool, strong, and all that, but still! Ugh, and I also fell asleep! Wait, I fell asleep so how the hell did I get changed? Di-did he change my clothes?! The creep! The fien-'

"Hey, it wasn't me! I'm not a creep!" I retorted unconsciously.

"Headmaster! Since when were you there?! And, did you just read my mind?!"

"Rin, I've been checking on you ever since Weiss brought you here. She's the one who changed your clothes. You little perv. And, yes, I read your mind. Sorry about that, but I wanted to make sure that you were okay with not traumas."

"Oh…" she stayed silent for a little, then continued: "W-well! There is no problem then! Yes, you did it out of concern! Obviously… Yeah, what did I expect…"

"Rin. Look at me." I said. She looked at me with teary eyes. "What's wrong?" I asked and moved to the side of the bed she was on. "Tell me, the 'Universe Bar Helpdesk' is always open for you."

She gulped audibly. "I was scared, you know? The ritual Kirei wanted to use would have killed me in the most likely case or left me handicapped for the rest of my life in the best case. I trusted him. He's been my caretaker for the last few years… I don't even understand why I ran here and not to the police or the Mage association… I really don't understand…"

Yeah, she's just a teenager and has to deal with this shit.

"Hey, it's fine now. I'll take care of you. There is no way anyone can hurt you from now on. And, doesn't the fact that you came here mean that you trust me more than some stranger? It makes me happy, you know?"

"Ahh, I hate you. All these years you always did this…"

"Did what? Comforting you while you cried? It only happened that time when you fell from the bicycle."

"Ah! No! Not that! You always treated me so kindly… Do you have any idea how a young lady such as myself feels?"

"Hm… I have a pretty good idea, but I steer clear of obvious jailbait."

"Fuck you."

"Hey now, that's no way for a young lady to speak… So? What's this? Another student fell in love with the super awesome Headmaster?"

"Another? Don't tell me it's that redhead vixen or that spectacled nerd!"

"Nah, it was Shizuka back in the day. I was her Modern Japanese teacher."

"Seriously? Well, I guess it's the same thing but you are my Magecraft teacher instead. Haah… How pathetic, right?"

"Nope, absolutely not pathetic at all. Tula tends to have that effect on girls." said Yang, who came in suddenly

"Oh, Yang-sensei, you are here as well… Great, just how many people must know about this?"

"Only me and the gang, so don't worry."

She looked at me with an expression that just screamed 'Seriously?'

"Ah, I got it! This must be a bad dream or a candid camera, right? Nice. Yeah, when I wake up, I will forget about all th-" I pinched her cheek. "Yeah, I didn't have much hope for that. So? What are we doing now?"

"Well, for starters, you are staying with us from now on. Then, I guess you need to make Tula fall for you." said Yang.

"Huh, I have a pretty big mountain to ascend then… Fine! I will show you that I am worthy of you!"

"I didn't say anything, is my opinion important in all this?" I asked

"Nope." they both said at the same time. I am already seeing some chemistry between them.

"Great then. Why don't you show her our private floors while I go deal with a pesky little fucker?"

"Sure, have fun! Oh, bring Ren with you. He's been saying that he wants to behead someone for too much time already. A request from Nora." I nodded and went to call Ren. I ignored Rin's shouting about 'beheading this, beheading bad'.

Me and Ren appeared behind Kirei and immediately cut his tendons. That hurts like a bitch, I can assure you.

"What?! Who are you?!"

"We are Rin's new caretakers. It has come to my attention that you had some not-so-cash-money intentions regarding the girl… That deserves punishment, isn't that right?" I said

"Sure does. No one can attack a mortal under our protection without consequences. Now, priest, rejoice! For your reckoning has come." Ren said, raising his sword against Kirei's throat.

But, before killing him, I made his magic circuits go awry, so that he felt the pain of his very being getting ripped apart. Ah, his screams bring me so much pleasure. No, not the sexual kind, the 'fuck you, I won' kind of pleasure.

"Tell me, priest. You were ready to potentially kill a child just like you murdered her father… You should be ready to die, correct? How do you wish to die, I take requests!"

He was screaming and could barely form a concrete sentence: "I… Will… Kill you!"

"Nope, you will die here, now. Even if you didn't, you don't have the power necessary to kill us. Let's see, I will firstly put you under an illusion of torture for… let's say five years, then I will extract your soul and show you how we slowly dissect your body while you burn in hellfire, but I will keep you alive. Ren, here, will then behead your soul, killing you completely. No rebirth, no resurrection, no Throne of Heroes. Caput, finish, fine dei giochi. Ooh, I am so multilingual!"

I started doing exactly what I said, as slowly and painfully as possible. I still kept his pain receptors active, even in his soul form, so he suffered greatly.

"You see this? This is your spinal cord. If I touch here you will feel your entire nervous system screaming! Isn't it exciting? Being able to feel all these things that would usually result in your death… Who knows, you might be able to reach the Root through torture. Oh, do you know that forcefully tearing one of your vertebrae from your spine hurts like a bitch? Oh, to masochists it's the ultimate pleasure, although quite deadly. My wife tried it once on me. It wasn't enjoyable at all." I said, showing his soul the open back, which lead directly to the spine. I was keeping the body alive, otherwise it wouldn't be any fun.

"Yes, you know that, if you pass electricity through your brain, you get a shock of pleasure? It's because it fucks with your mind and perceives pain as pleasure… It's something to try at least once before dying!" said Ren. Ooh, he might be more M than I thought.

Our little torture session lasted about three hourse and we went from the most common type of torture to repeatedly making his dick explode, to using absolute zero, electricity, and hellfire to stimulate the body.

In the end, Ren said: "You usually use this phrase, don't you? 'Rejoice! For' blablabla. Well, now I will tell you: 'Rejoice, Priest! For your torture has ended.' Allow me to lighten your soul a little." he said, then beheaded the soul.

Good, one nuisance less in the world.

We returned to the bar, where I found Rin resting her head on the counter while she was complaining to Rias and Sona.

"That fucker! He's been a God all this time and didn't even tell me! And you two! Seriously?! Devils?!"

I sneaked behind her and pinched her side, lightly obviously. She squealed and turned around, actually charging a magic bullet. She saw me and shot my eye.

"Not cool, Rin, not cool at all. Anyway, Kirei has been dealt with."

"Beheaded?"

"Much worse. Want to know?"

"Not really… Thanks, idiot."

"Tsundere."

"Old relic. How old are you again? Oh, right! A few googols! Do you have any idea how misleading your appearance is?!"

I went back to my younger form, the one where I look in my twenties.

"I can also become a shota, if that's your cup of tea."

"Uhm, Headmaster? Should we get worried that you are a God? Actually, that you all are Gods? We weren't exactly respectful in the past couple of years…" asked Sona, distracting me from my teasing.

"Nah, I just wanted to mess with your brother and sister, but I'm quite casual with that stuff. Actually, I really wanted to laugh my ass off when Rias asked me to become a member of her peerage! Hah! A God in peerage, sounds like the beginning of a good joke."

They sighed in relief when I said that. Anyway, like that, the first month of 'canon' ended with a new student-teacher love story and a tofu-crazed priest's death.