Ep. 90 - Lizard, Weapon, Battle of the Five Armies

"Rebecca, tell me… Should I destroy this universe? You rule over the sins and virtues, so you can make a fair decision." I asked.

"Where did that come from? Hm… No. You shouldn't. While it is boring at this point, there is a massive army of Orcs coming, so we will have fun with that. We can just leave after that or jump in directly at the battles in a few decades." she said, thinking about this world.

I nodded and gave up on the idea. To alleviate my boredom, I sent a couple of clones throughout the Multiverse to the alternate universes that required a purge. Like, the one where Kirito is an ugly bastard and Asuna is a JK. Yeah, that made me shudder… Oh, there's the one where Ritsuka gets NTR'ed by a janitor. Then the ones with bestiality, aliens, tentacles… What the fuck, they are all hentai universes. I remember actually 'studying' some of these. Totally for research, not for personal enjoyment.

Anyway, Bilbo found the hidden door when all the Dwarves started descending the stairs and we entered Erebor.

"Ok, you guys stay here, I am going to strengthen Smaug a little, then you can fight against it. Don't even try sneaking around, he is very much alive and can awaken any second. This will be a good test for your determination." said Jaune, teleporting to the lizard's position.

"You heard him, get ready. Don't worry, you can always distract him by mentioning the lake, so that Esgaroth will burn down and the mountain will be free. Your choice. Let me tell you that throwing the lizard towards the lake is your best optio- Hm? Oh, Kìli, what did you do to the poor woman? She's trying to gain access to the mountain right now." I said. Since Tauriel seemed quite impatient, I teleported her right next to the young Dwarf. Heh, she was confused as fuck, then saw her crush and calmed down.

"Where are we?" she asked.

To mess around with the Dwarves, I responded in Elven: "Little Elf, we are in the Lonely Mountain, Erebor. My friend has gone to awaken the lizard and strengthen it a little, then these Dwarves will fight to the death against it to provide some entert-" I couldn't finish my sentence since Merlin and Ruby punched my kidneys. "God... That hurt…"

"What my husband was trying to say is that the Dwarves are about to fight against Smaug. You better say your goodbye's now. You might not have the possibility to do so in a few minutes." said Weiss.

Tauriel looked really worried and was about to say something like 'I will fight as well!' and all that shit.

"No, you are not fighting. End of the discussion." said Loki

"You love him, don't you?" said Merlin, pointing towards Kìli. The Elf nodded. "Then you better talk with him." She then went near her and whispered: "My husband will make sure he doesn't die, but you should still talk with him."

After a minute or so in a very tense atmosphere, a loud roar resounded through the mountain and Jaune came back.

"I'm done! He's all ready and pissed! Hoo, this is going to be fun to watch! Oh, who's the Elf here?"

"She's, possibly, Kìli's future wife." said Pyrrha

"Ooh, shit… I should have made Smaug weaker then. He's pretty much doomed by going there." He said, pointing towards the Dragon's treasury.

"Eh, forget it. We can just resurrect them when they die." said Shizue. Oh, didn't see her back there.

At any rate, the Dwarves and Hobbit fearlessly, for the most part, went towards their deaths- Ahem! I mean… went to fight the mighty dragon. They died the very moment they stepped in the treasury, burnt by the Dragon's breath.

"Pitiful. Such weakness… Ok, time for round 2." I said and resurrected them, while making Smaug 10% weaker. They died immediately again. "Round 3."

They continued to be slaughtered in various ways over and over. In the end, they managed to beat him at the 121st try.

I left them with their memories, so they were fearless by now since they experienced every possible death. Smaug has eviscerated them, eaten them, burnt them, squashed them, maimed them, and the list continues. God, that's one big list.

At the 121st round though, they immediately scattered in the treasury. Smaug was weak as fuck now, which allowed the Dwarves and Hobbit to tackle the beast as they would an enormous Orc or Troll, just much more deadly.

Well, the lizard soon died. They didn't even need to throw it against those humans on the lake. Huh… Pretty nice. I teleported the Dwarves back where me, the gang, and Tauriel were.

"Let me see… We have 3 deaths, 4 seriously injured, 2 lightly injured, and the rest have some scratches and bruises. Pretty good I'd say." I said, then healed them all, resurrected the dead, and calmed them down forcefully.

"Congratulations on retaking the Lonely Mountain from Smaug. Now, you just need to find the Arkenstone, then you are set. You should also get ready for the Orcs coming." said Pyrrha

"Orcs?! Look, we just died more than a hundred times and you expect us to face Orcs now?!" said Thorin, who was shivering and panting after their fight. I healed him, but it must be a psychological thing…

"Oh, no, no. You will not fight. We will have fun destroying them. Though, I guess that we will have to hold back a lot…" said Weiss, already pissed that our enemies are too weak. I can always strengthen them, but within the realm of reason. I can't exactly give thousands of Orcs the strength of an Origin God or Empyrean. Just their physical strength would shatter this planet. We could strengthen other foes since we didn't push them to Godly realms, and those are too weak to even acknowledge. I mean, True God Realm is barely any better than Divine Extinction Realm...

Anyway, time passed. The humans from Esgaroth came to the old town of Dale and settled there. Since Smaug didn't fuck the city, they managed to actually settle with barely enough supplies to not die of hunger or cold. They had seen the signals that had 'mysteriously' appeared on the Mountain, so Bard understood that the Dragon had been defeated. Not my problem. Oh, the Elves arrived as well. When Thranduil saw me, he was about to shit his pants. I think he didn't like my last visit in his realm. Apparently, the Dwarves had a few Elven treasures they wanted back. Same as canon.

And that, brings us to today. Which means the Orc invasion. I don't particularly care about the Dwarves and their fates, since I can always resurrect them, so I started preparing mu gear. Which means just finding my 'Smart Pistol'. That will be more than enough to hold me back and allow me to enjoy this battle. Ah, maybe Hephaestus can make some sealing artifacts so that we can limit our strength output. That would be interesting.

Me and the gang could easily feel the earth rumbling due to those massive worm-like things.

"They will be appearing in a few minutes. Let's get outside." said Ais.

We all nodded and started walking towards the gates of Erebor. We were walking to waste time since we still had a few minutes. Bilbo saw us move 'en masse', so he started getting a little worried.

"Tula, is something happening?" he asked with a hint of fear in his voice.

"Oh, nothing much. Just some pests we will exterminate. Don't you worry." I said. He nodded and ran towards the throne room. He will obviously inform the Dwarves of the invaders. Eh, not a problem anyway.

Exiting the Lonely Mountain's gates, we immediately zeroes in on the mountain range from where the Orcs will appear.

"So, do we just go in and fuck them up, or do we use a minimum of strategy?" asked Jaune.

"Let's do it like this. Rebecca and Rose will set up on Erebor and act like a sniper team. Ren, Ruby, Blake, Ais, and Neo will circle around and flank them. Hecate, Nora, Loki, and Freya will rain down some weak spells on them while the rest of us go head on. Am I missing someone?" said Pyrrha.

"Nope, that's perfect. But… I am blasting music while we fight." said Yang.

"Deal." I immediately replied. I wanted to do that myself, after all. My dear wife created one of those old-school stereos and started blasting some good old rock music.

Rebs flew on top of Erebor and prepared her own sniping position. Hephaestus had made her a nice modular rifle, so she was the best choice for that. Well, I could have done so as well, but smashing heads in is much more entertaining. The flanking team disappeared to get in position, while the 'head on' team simply started walking towards the mountain range. Ooh, although all this is useless and we could wipe them out immediately, it is fun.

I started playing with my gun and switched it back to physical bullets, so I will have to reload every once in a while. I have 21 bullets and can create my mags. Yes, that will work decently in holding me back.

"Going back to common weapons?" asked Pyrrha.

"Yeah. I want to make one that I can always use, I just don't have any inspiration. Actually, fuck it. I will make one now." She nodded, then I stopped time a second.

So, what the fuck should I make? A sword? Nah, I have Excalibur. A lance? Rhongomyniad. A katana? Fuck no, they are nice decorations but they are just weeb weapons. A rifle? I like rifles, so that's a possibility. Actually… Fuck it, meme weapon it is.

I made a Rubik's cube, entirely metallic silver, with the exception of the central tile, which I made in different colors. One is pinkish with a Gardenia engraving, the flower I mean. Another was black with a Rose, another was absolutely white with an Orchid, yet another was a blue Tube Rose. Another was a red Chrysanthemum. The last was a golden Amaryllis. It is quite beautiful and each face has a meaning and stores a certain type of weapon. What a shame that I rigged it with so many spells, formations, and all that nice stuff. Each of the eight tiles on the six faces is a different weapon. I have a few rifles, a sword or two, a few spears, a lance, a shotgun, a rocket launcher, a pistol, a hand cannon, a scythe, a couple of daggers, and I even put in my armor that I got from the Saint Seya universe along with all the Noble Phantasms I could. A total of 48 world-ending weapons that I can fully control the output of. Plus a nifty little game for when I am tired. I made it so it would shrink and become a nice pendant when I don't need it.

I made time move again.

"Done. I'll give it a test run with the Orcs."

"What did you come up with?" asked Hinata

"I made this." I said and showed my cube. "48 weapons and a nifty little game for when I'm bored."

'Cool. What did you name it?' asked a wild Ruby through a telepathic link.

"Nothing yet. Why don't you give it a name?"

"Then… Rubik's Cube?" said Rimuru.

"No. Never. I prefer sticking to a good old pistol at that point."

"I was kidding! How about 'Polemos Techne'? 'Warcraft'?" said Hinata

"Deal. I like it. Wait, how do you even know ancient Greek?" I said

"Hey, I studied! Not a lot, but I know some things." she retorted.

I hugged her head and said: "Sure, sure you did. I totally don't think you just went to Earth Prime to learn Ancient Greek. Want a reward?" Hehe, her brain overheated. She thought I didn't see her stopping time and opening a portal. Who am I? The Origin of Knowledge, someone who is constantly gaining knowledge and power from the myriads of alternate universes that pop up every single moment. I can't be stopped in time, at least not from anyone in the gang.

"I hate you..."

"No you don't. You love me, that's why I'm not dead yet."

"True. Ok, let's focus on having fun against the small fry. They should be coming out anytime now." she said and changed the subject.

And so, we waited. And found that the Dwarves arrived. No, not Thorin, the other Dwarves, those with goats and pigs instead of horses. Yeah, the ones that actually did some work in the original.

I ignored them and noticed that the side of the mountain we were facing was crumbling.

"Here they are. Rebs, Rose, wait until they start flooding out before shooting. In the meantime, you could get rid of Azog. Hecate, target the backlines. The rest of us will kill our way through." I said. Like this we will have a lot of fun. Oh, if you are wondering, it's obvious that we can hear each other no matter the distance.

"Got it." was the unanimous response.

I changed 'Polemos Techne' into its 'Rhongomyniad' form. I have never used it until now, so I'll give it a test run. Soon, the Orcs started emerging from the mountain range, screaming and screeching like autistic kids.

"Rebs." I said and Azog's 'command post' got hit by a massive magic bullet. It absolutely annihilated everything in a 200 meters radius. "Great job. Now then… Let the show begin."

I charged up Rhongomyniad and it started shining like an absolutely lit rave party, just monochromatic. The Orcs were just mindlessly running at us, not minding the fact that their leader just blew up. Better for me.

I finally get to use my Spirit bones. I took a step and teleported to the Orcish frontlines. I swung my lance and then… Boom. What did you expect? It's a fucking Noble Phantasm boosted up to my standards, though the output was limited to preserve the planet. Anyway, starting from the tip of my weapon, a pillar of light pierced the entirety of the Orc army. In the meanwhile, the gang was also unleashing Phantasm over Phantasm and decimating the army. Rebecca was eliminating the big guys, while the flanking team was pushing the targets towards the center while absolutely destroying them.

I switched my weapon to a trusty, modified 'Last Word' and felt like I reunited with a long lost partner. I really like this weapon. I started running through the ranks of enemies and planting a bullet in each and every Orc. I also used a Ki blade on my left hand sometimes to decapitate these things. God, the Orcs are really fugly. Since I was really bored and these guys proved to be absolutely no challenge, I 'spawned' a stronger variant of these guys, True God Realm at least, and increased their numbers. Now, we will be killing our way through a couple billion of these fuckers. Ah, I might have exaggerated. Since I didn't have to worry about finishing our toys, I switched to 'Excalibur'.

I started firing off Saber beams left and right, having a blast killing so many Orcs. It's a pretty nice stress relief. Oh, now that I think about it, these could be helpful for Rebs, since she is still weak as fuck compared to the rest of the gang.

Ren was decapitating thousands with a single swipe of his sword, and that's because he is seriously holding back, otherwise these billions would all be left without their heads in a single swing. Sun was having fun skewering as many Orcs as possible on his spear. Weiss was just summoning massive titans to stomp the ever-living shit out of them, all while cutting them up and stabbing them to make them feel pain. Pyrrha was making colanders out of the Orcs with her rifle. Jaune and Ais were slashing, hacking, and piercing with their swords and banner-spears. Nora was raining down divine thunder and roasting the Orcs. She was also using runes to create golems and road-rollers. I think I caught sight of a strange blonde vampire on a far-off mountain, but that must have been an hallucination.

Rose and Rebecca were having fun with a headshot competition. Until now, Rose was winning since she could use 'Phoebus Catastrophe' and target a much larger area. Blake was just kinda sleeping on her bow and sometimes would fire off a big explosion if her surroundings got too noisy. Hephaestus was absolutely butchering those few idiots that actually approached her. She was leaving heaps of Orcs 'frozen' in place until something made them fall in very small bits and pieces. I must admit that even I, who should be much more powerful 'stats'-wise, could barely see her slashes. Hecate was sending nukes towards any Orc that strayed too far from the battlefield. She also sent some nice tremor bombs into the tunnels below the mountain range. Ruby was flashing from one place to another with her strange spear and was always followed by a trail of red roses and fresh corpses. Quite romantic, if you're into necrophilia. Pity I am not. Yang was also firing off 'Rhongomyniad' or simply used it to bash her enemies. Freya was using her territory to turn the orcs against each other, while Loki was creating new gadgets and spells, testing them on the army. Amethyst was following behind me like a good maid, using Viy to instant-kill any Orc.

Hinata was absolutely destroying her own share of the battlefield, while Rimuru was melting the Orcs in acid, then devoured them. Luminous, Milim, and Leona were having a blast and actually created even more enemies. Well, we were about to run out, so that was a good call. I will reward them later. Knowing Milim and Luminous, they might want headpats, while Leona might want some good alcohol and a drinking partner. Basically nothing different from usual, just categorized as a reward. Ai An was flying from above and raining down some Dragon's breath.

Who am I missing? Shizue was torching her enemies, while Frey was creating air blades to mow down, literally, anything that moved. Oh, Neo! How could I forget about her! Well, I didn't forget, I simply didn't catch her until now. She was using her semblance to fuck with the Orcs' minds and have them attack each other. Did I forget to mention that she is also an Empyrean like Rebecca? 'Demon Empyrean of Original Mind' and 'Silent Trickster Bloodline'. Her Spirit is Katou Danzou, appropriately strengthened, of course. She's cute as fuck with her new clothes and the kunai. Well, she is also very deadly, as demonstrated by the many, and I emphasize 'MANY', Orc corpses with a kunai between their eyes.

In the end, we defeated around 7 billion Orcs that reached True God Realm. Since the Orcs I summoned had somehow gained some instincts and rushed back into the mountain range, I used my rocket launcher to implode the tunnels. Basically a localized black hole.

If you are wondering why, how, where, when, the answer is: because we wanted to, by killing them all and stockpiling the bodies in a 'corner' every once in a while, the battlefield was between Erebor, Dale, and the ex mountain range that is too flat to be remembered. Not that I don't like flat, small sizes fill a man's heart. Wait… That can be interpreted in too many ways and I don't like most of them.

We regrouped close to the new mountain of corpses, which by far dwarfed Erebor.

"Well, that was a pretty nice stress reliever!" I said, just to joke. We don't have that much stress.

"Yeah, a pretty nice warm-up!" responded Jaune with a smirk and a wink.

"I feel like decapitating a few trillion more…" said Ren.

"Ren, dear… You can't decapitate more, at least not right now." whispered Nora while hugging his arm.

"At any rate, this is done." I said, then compressed the mountain of corpses into two blood droplets, two small pills, and two glowing orbs. "Rebs, Neo, take these. You should be able to evolve once you take them." They smiled in response. Ah, those smiles are angelic, in particular Neo's. Oh, Rebecca must have felt something since she glared at me.

"Uhm, sorry to interrupt… Could you tell us what the fuck has happened in the past hour?"

I turned around and saw Dáin.

"Sure. We were bored so we fucked around with a massive army of Orcs. Happy?"

"Not in the least. What's with those numbers?! And your strength!"

"Oh, that… Secret. You should go and check on your cousin. The Arkenstone is still somewhere in those halls." He nodded and scrambled towards Erebor. I used a little manipulation to have him accept my words, otherwise we would be stuck here for days.

"So, what are we doing now?" I asked.

"I dunno, I thought you were the one with knowledge on all multiverses." Rebecca responded.

"Honestly, this world is quite annoying. The Dwarves are too hard-headed to actually reason with, the Men are absolute idiots and I doubt we could find a single functioning brain among them, the Hobbits are useless basement-dwellers, the Elves are pretty interesting but they stay most of their time in those fucking forests, the Orcs, Goblins, Trolls, and such can go and fuck themselves, the Dragons are basically giant lizards, the Wizards are old pedophiles addicted to magical weed, and I can continue dissing this universe for a long, long time, but I will spare you." said Weiss.

"Damn, you don't like this place." I said. Sure, this place is boring as fuck, but it's not so bad… Ok, I won't lie: it's really bad. "Leave or time-skip?"

"Let's leave, let's just plant a nice little bomb in Mordor and Isengard, then YEET the fuck out of here." said Yang.

"Yeah, this little battle was pretty nice. I still want to see that universe with intergalactic wars, but I guess I can wait a little. But I really want to go. I give you a time limit of a million years, then we will go!" said Pyrrha

"I kinda have absolutely no idea where to go…" said Blake.

"How about we summon yet another guy from Earth Prime and have him mix some universes? Maybe something interesting will come up." said Hinata. "We can pick someone with high Karma, so we have an excuse and be good Gods for once."

"Sure, fine by me. I just want to make René Celebrìan's familiar, then we can go. Give me a couple of minutes."

"Don't worry, we will be in the Tower."