Ep. 89 - Goblins, Waste, Mountain

And so, we began traveling. The Dwarves were slow as fuck, so Milim, who was getting really irritated, buffed them up. I was expecting more explosions, to be honest. We reached the Misty Mountains after a week and a couple of days. We should be roughly on track with canon.

There were two little rock giants that were fighting, and Milim used them as stress relievers. She blasted them with a little 'Drago Nova'. She did destroy the giants, as well as a huge chunk of the mountain. I sighed and repaired them while Amethyst was admonishing the naughty child. Ruby comforted Milim a little while we proceeded further in the mountains. Scenes like this didn't happen often, but enough for Thorin and company to get used to them.

That night, we took refuge in a cave not too deep in the mountains. Me and the gang set a door as usual and went back to the Tower to sleep. Why the fuck would we ever sleep on the ground with some Dwarves, a Hobbit, and a crazy wizard? No reason to do so. Well, I decided to stay with them since killing hordes of Goblins will be fun. Well, everybody was more interested in the Battle of the Five Armies than in some useless Goblins.

Everybody went to sleep, while I took up the 'guard duty'. After a couple of hours, Bilbo woke up and wanted to sneak his way out.

"Bilbo. If you leave now, these idiots will die."

He had a jumpscare and turned to look at me, confused. "T-Tula… Why are you still awake?"

"Guard duty. You shouldn't leave, yet. You still have a part to play in this adventure, an important part. You don't realize it yourself, but you will be much more helpful than you could ever imagine."

"Heh, sure. I have been nothing but an extra mouth to feed until now. I doubt that will suddenly change."

"Remember what Gandalf hired you for? A burglar. Until now, all of the threats you guys faced were a warrior's responsibility. You have yet to 'rise on the stage', so to speak. Trust me, I can see the future, and I tell you that you are an important member of this group."

"Riight… A warlock, was it? Sorry, but I don't believe in fairy tales anymore."

"Oh really?" I said and created a fireball on top of my palm. "What about now?"

"Convinced. Very. Convinced."

"Good." I then raised my voice. "Brace for the fall!"

Thorin stirred awake and asked: "Fall? Where do you even see a fall h-"

He didn't get to finish that the pavement 'gave in' and we all fell. Well, the rest of the company fell while I was calmly flying alongside them. "This fall, Thorin."

It took a few seconds to reach the end of the fall. These damn Goblins burrowed deep in the mountains.

"Do not fear. Nothing too bad will happen." I said, then turned myself invisible.

"He left! That damn warlock!" said Dwalin

"No! Idiot! I am right here, just invisible, so shut up!" I said and smacked his head.

The Goblin horde then came and surrounded us. I floated and got out of the way. I checked that Bilbo fell to the side towards Gollum's location, then went back to the ground. I took out 'Excalibur' and started making my way forward, cutting up every single Goblin I came about. God, they were ugly as fuck. I was very tempted to Saber-laser the fuck out of them and be done with it, but the resulting cave-in would kill the Dwarves, and that is a big no-no. Actually, I will just reinforce the mountain and laser the shitty bastards when I reach their throne room.

I strolled around for a bit, and my collector senses started tingling. There was something I wanted around here. I want to know what. I spread out my Spirit Sense, which I had not used in a long while. Omniscience would be too boring. I found a small pearl-like thing, which was the only thing in this place that could possibly attract my attention. I teleported it to my hand and analyzed it. To put it really simply, it's a 'Mirror of Remote Viewing' from Overlord brought to reality. Oh, now I want to go to Overlord. I will find some poor soul to reincarnate there and go mess around.

Anyway, I stored the crystal ball and went towards the Dwarves, hacking and slashing at some Goblins who dared show their ugly mug at me. I arrived just as the king sent a message to Azog.

Since I had no reason to keep them alive, I slashed the Goblins' heads off, only those in the back rows. I then made myself visible again and said: "Hello there! Seems like there is a party to which I was not invited. What a shame. I will take your heads as punishment."

I released some pressure so that the Goblins would stay still, then started walking and slicing their heads off cleanly. At each step, one swipe and a head would fly, no matter how close or far the Goblins were. Oh, how much I enjoyed their rising fear and defeated looks. I soon arrived in front of the Goblin king.

"You… You are the ugliest motherfucker I have met in my long-ass life. Actually… No, you definitely take the top spot. Die and make this world's average beauty levels rise a bit." I said, then activated my Saber-laser and slashed at him, annihilating everything between my sword and a few kilometers ahead of it. Might have been slightly overkill.

I looked back at the Dwarves and said: "Come on! Are you just going to stand there or do you want to escape?" yet they didn't move and were shocked. "What? Did you not think I was a warrior or something? I am an old warlock with an eyepatch, but that doesn't mean I can't wield a sword."

"Yeah… I've seen that." said Fìli.

"Come on, the warlock is right. We need to escape before we are swarmed with Goblins." he looked around and said: "Where's the Hobbit?!"

"Bilbo is exactly where he has to be, Thorin. Now, I will say it one last time: 'get the fuck out of here or I will kick your Dwarven ass until the Lonely Mountain.' I might have paraphrased a bit."

They finally seemed to get the message and started their escape. I on the other hand started thinking about some sort of spell that I could make my 'trademark' or something, since I actually don't have anything like that. But I couldn't come up with anything, so I started raising the temperature inside the mountain to impossible levels, frying everything inside of it. I protected the Dwarves, Gollum, and Bilbo since I can't have them dying so early on.

Heh, it was fun seeing a mountain melt into lava from the inside. Since I was already at this point, I decided to remodel the mountain into a volcano, just because why not. I made it so that it would serve as the perfect dwelling for any Dragon that needed it. Well, there are different Dragons in the Middle Earth, such as Smaug and René. The last one was a naturally occurring Incarnation that ruled over something amazing: flowers. A fucking Dragon, ruling over flowers. Problem is: she's strong as fuck, nothing like those we encountered in the Soul Land universe. I mean, to a Concept Origin like Jaune or Ren, who aren't strictly related to fighting, she is nothing more than an oversized lizard. You know what? I will make it Celebrìan's familiar. The Elf is too cute and adorable and very, very married… I should remember the last part.

At any rate, the Dwarves got out of my new 'Dragon Resort', while Bilbo was running through the tunnel towards the outside. I left that part untouched since the Hobbit is fucking slow. Now I remember why I hated this guy back when I still had to reincarnate: how the fuck does a goody two-shoes get hold of a magic ring and goes on to slay a fucking dragon?! How?! Why?! It's absolute bullshit, but I am seeing it happening right in front of me. Haah… Deep breaths, deep breaths. I am a God. I am above such things. Nope, not working, still frustrated. I was so pissed I destroyed a few mountains far from civilization. That helped a bit, but I would have to destroy an entire universe or two to feel really well.

I teleported outside the volcano and met up with the Dwarves, not before winking at the invisible Bilbo.

"Missed me?" I said, strolling towards the group.

"No. Where's the Hobbit? Did he run away?" said Thorin

"I really don't like your attitude…" I said and wiped him from existence. Then I recreated him and started a cycle of wiping and recreating him. "Does he not realize that I can destroy this world by sneezing? What's in his head, I wonder? Bilbo, you better come out before I get even more pissed than I already am."

The young man immediately took his ring off and appeared from behind a tree. "I'm here!"

I stopped Thorin's cycle and left him panting on the ground. "Good. Azog and his orcs are about to arrive. You have no chance of defeating them. Tell me, how will you deal with them?"

The Dwarves were all scared of me, while Gandalf started actually thinking of a plan. "We can't outrun them, we need to call in some reinforcements. Start climbing the trees!"

"Good job, Gandalf. Look, I am getting way too pissed today so, as a punishment, I will be meeting you in a few weeks when you reach the Lonely Mountain. Fìli, Kìli, come here." I said. The two young Dwarves stepped forward. I touched their foreheads and they shined for a second, before getting a wristband-like tattoo.

"I have just blessed you two. You will probably not die. If you do, it means that you were really stupid. See you at Erebor." I said and teleported to the Tower.

I was greeted by my wives and friends, plus some guests.

"Huh? You guys found my Tower? How are things going? Kirito, Asuna?" I asked with a smile.

"Oh, things are going pretty great! We actually got engaged for real, but we will wait a few years to actually get married. Thanks to your grimoires, we don't even need to study, unless it's something interesting." said Asuna

"Yeah, well, there was a little situation with GGO, but we managed to work it out somehow. Shino was in danger, but her familiar protected her perfectly. So this is really a different dimension?" Kirito said.

"Oh, I am happy everything went as expected. I was a lowly God back then, so I was kinda worrying I had messed up somehow. Yes, this is our personal dimension, which I am still calling the Tower of Knowledge. Come with us, we'll have some refreshments and chat a little." I said and invited them to the topmost floor. We chatted for about an hour about what was going on in their world. Apparently, they had the Lord of the Rings even back there, so they knew what was going on. They wished they could go on an adventure there, but student responsibilities and the life-threatening encounters were a pretty good reason to forget about it.

"Oh, talking about GGO, do you know of a player called LLENN? If you could bring her here, I wanted to talk with her a little."

"I still don't understand why a God would be interested in us common mortals, but sure, we can probably find her. I don't know of her, but I'll keep an eye out." said Kirito.

"What a good boy you are. I should really have you meet Ritsuka. I have the feeling you would become friends. At any rate, remember to call us when you get married. I could officiate as well, if you want." I said, joking around. What good children they are…

They left and said they'd come by some other time, which I guess will be in a few thousand years at the least, with how time is dilated between universes. I have circumvented that problem with time laws, but 'moving' universes are still subjected to this. Well, that doesn't matter. I used the time laws to move directly to the day the Dwarves leave Esgaroth.

"Let's go. I skipped time to get to the interesting parts." I said to the gang.

"Hm… Yeah, traveling with those slow-ass Dwarves was getting on my nerves. Did anything interesting happen, except for those Goblins?" asked Yang.

"Not really. They did meet up with Thranduil, that young man. Oh, and an Elf fell in love with a Dwarf. Other than that, a lot of escaping and walking, but no real adventure." I said while walking towards a door, which connected to the place right behind the Dwarves.

When I opened the door, the company was alarmed and turned around with their weapons drawn. They were just about to step onto that boat-like trap. I ignored the townspeople as they were just extras that would most likely die in Smaug's raid on Esgaroth. Oh? Why would I not stop him? Do I have a reason to? The Dwarves made me pissed, so I will make sure they have as much of a hard time getting the treasure as possible. It will be entertaining as hell. Well, Smaug might kill everyone in this city, but do I care? Nope. At this point, I will kill some Dwarves and Orcs during the Battle of the Five Armies. Men as well, if they show up.

"Hello there, you sneaky little fuckers. How did your trip go? Ready to go and sack the Lonely Mountain?" I asked with a cheery voice.

"Fuck you! You left us when the Orcs came for us! Do you have any idea what we went through ever since you left?!" said Thorin. I put him through a few cycles of explosion and regeneration to have him calm down.

"First of all, fuck you, not me. Second, of course I know what you went though, and it was hilarious. Oh, Kìli, congratulations on capturing the heart of an Elven beauty!"

"Elven? Tauriel! You mean…" he trailed off when he realized what I meant.

"Dense fuck." said Rebs.

"Anyway, let's get going." I said and stepped on the boat thing, followed by the gang.

Then, the human waste aka the governor spoke up.

"Hey! Wait a moment! Who would you strangers be?! Why are you acting like you own the place?!"

"Why? Because I do." I said, showing a ring. It was the symbol of the owner of the city. I got it during my travels at the beginning of the Third Age.

"And since I do, I declare that from now on, you and that ugly worm next to you will be banned from entering Esgaroth. Actually, I will condemn you to death for all your sins." I said and lit him and his aide on fire. They will burn for a few days, incapable of dying, but very capable of feeling pain.

"People of Lake-Town! Or Esgaroth, whatever you want to call it! The governors you have been listening to for the past two millennia were all frauds, who had no right to govern over you. I have bought out the right to rule Dale and Lake-Town by extension almost 2900 years ago. From now on, Bard will be the governor, whether you like it or not. Oh, if you don't like my decision, death will be your punishment. Have a good day!" I said, lighting up a couple more flares on the ground to scare people a bit.

I turned to the Dwarves. "Do you want to wait some more, or should we go? I have all the time in the world, but you miserable fucks have a lifespan, you know? Oh, I should probably stop killing Thorin over and over."

At any rate, we were able to leave quite quickly with some fearful Dwarves, an awkward Hobbit, and a whole town in chaos.

We had to hike our way up to the mountain since it was getting too hard to navigate upstream. Well, it might be because I increased the current, just to mess with the little men.

We climbed up those tiny-ass stairs very relaxedly, while the Dwarves were shouting at us to move faster since the sun was already setting. "You are right, the sunset. It's quite beautiful… Should we have barbecue again today? Or maybe, a romantic dinner under the stars?"

"Eh, I'm a little tired of eating meat or stew. Let's have something different today!" said Ruby.

One way or another, we arrived to a terrace where the hidden Dwarven door was. It wasn't that hard to notice, if I have to be honest. Actually, it was as hidden as the sun is during the day. Which means it was obvious as fuck. Ugh, coming to this world was a mistake. Should I just erase it from existence? Maybe…