Ep. 88 - Oakenshield and Company, We’re Coming

Like so, we arrived in Rivendell exactly a month before Elrond's wedding. I was introduced to Lady Celebrìan. I remembered reading something about her being tormented and tortured by Orcs, and if there's one thing that hentai has taught me, it's that male Orcs and female Elves can only do one thing: not-so-lovey-dovey baby-making. I blessed her so that she would have a shield created around her, which would totally obscure her vision and that of those on the outside. A cocoon, to put it simply. Anyway, their wedding was basically one huge banquet which lasted almost an entire week. It didn't look too interesting, so we won't be having a second marriage ceremony anytime soon. Not that I don't want to, but if I have to get married again, it must be perfect.

After their ceremony, we returned to the Tower and I used some time laws to skip time to 2509 in the Third Age, the day when Celebrìan gets attacked. I quickly teleported to Caradhras, behind the band of Orcs. They were surrounding the woman's group and the guards were scared, obviously outmatched. I brought out 'Excalibur' and cut the Orcs to pieces, making sure that it would hurt as much as possible. I looked at the guards and left after winking and throwing a letter to them. It read: 'Hello there, little Celebrìan! Thought we were dead or something? As if! These Orcs had some not-so-pure intentions, so I took the liberty to kill them all, hope you don't mind. See you in a few centuries! - Tula of the 'Wandering Cartographers of Rivendell' P.S: Don't try to enter our mansion. It has been protected with several layers of spells.'

I returned to the Tower and sped up time again. I stopped the fast-forward exactly a day before Bilbo and the Dwarves arrived in Rivendell.

"Ding! Last stop on the 'Fast-Forward Train'! We are in 2941 in the Third Age! In a few hours, some interesting people will be coming to Rivendell. We should get out of here and greet them. I should also check on Celebrìan and Elrond. They should have some kids as well." I said.

"Idiot. Celebrìan will surely remember you, so you should go." said Yang

I started walking towards the door that connected the Tower to the mansion in Rivendell, then exited. I found Celebrìan praying in front of my door. There were two… Maids with her.

"Uuh… What are you doing, girly?"

She slowly opened her eyes and looked at me, then she started tearing up.

"Hey, hey! There's no need to tear up, girly! Come on, stand up. Do you remember me?" I asked while extending a hand to her.

"How could I forget about my savior? Welcome back to Rivendell, Master Tula." she said, taking my hand and standing up.

"Now then, don't fall in love with me, you are married. How about we go and see Lord Elrond now. And we could also meet your children."

"Yes, certainly."

She led me through the halls, then I caught sight of Narsil's remains. I stopped and admired the weapon I took the hilt in hand.

"That is Narsil, Master Tula. The sword used by Isildur to effectively defeat Sauron, the Dark Lord."

"Yes, a beautiful weapon. I have an extensive collection of weapons… This would be one of the greatest pieces." I said. I didn't really mean to say that much, but it just came out on its own. I quickly used some of my power to bring it back to its former glory, as if it had just been finished by the Dwarven blacksmith. I also made a copy to replace the original on the pedestal. I also made a sheath to go with the two blades. "There we go. Much better. We can continue."

"W-what was that?''

"Oh, nothing, little girl. I simply fixed and duplicated a weapon. This is nothing at all."

"Huh… Master Tula, may I ask why you call me 'little'? I should be older than you by quite a bit…"

"Pfft! Haha! Nice one, little Cely. I have lived more than you could ever imagine. To me, you are nothing more than a newborn that still has to learn how to walk. I could easily spend tens of you lifetimes sleeping and wake up as if nothing happened. But that would be boring. I even had to skip time until someone interesting arrived…" I said as we began walking again.

"Uhm… Master Tula, I have yet to thank you for saving me that day on the Caradhras. Thank you, I don't even dare imagine what would have happened to me if the Orcs had survived… I owe you my life." she said, stopped and bowed.

"Cely, you don't need to bow your head. I saved entire civilizations and will never get a word of thanks, either because it was my 'duty' or because I did it secretly. I simply didn't want you to suffer. However… If you really want to thank me, call me 'big brother'.. That will be enough."

"B-big brother?! W-well if that is what you want, I will call you 'big brother Tula'."

Oh my God, she is so adorable! How can an old hag be this adorable?! Oh, wait… I am an old man.

At any rate, I met with Elrond, who was extremely excited about me coming 'back'. I also met with his children and I can only say that: "Little Arwen is as adorable as her mother. Ah, did I say that outloud? Oops!"

Arwen was embarrassed and Celebrìan even more so.

"Hey, be careful or you'll start looking like drunken Dwarves. All that red… Totally cute, but not really suited to you." I said. I got punched on the back of my head. It was Merlin, who can always know my location and what I am doing since we are one now. Hey, now that I think about it, is having sex with Merlin considered selfcest now? "My dear, why would you ever punch me?"

"Stop saying stupid things. Your 'interesting little friends' are about to be found by the Orcs. You should go and save them if you want to follow them to the Lonely Mountain."

"Already? Those stupid Dwarves, can't even properly kill some dogs and vermin."

Elrond was confused as fuck, so I quickly gave a TLDR to him. "Mithrandir is leading a group of Dwarves and a Hobbit to retake the Lonely Mountain from Smaug. They are being chased by Orcs mounting those big doggos. I will go and take care of them and mess around. Oh, yes. To answer your question: we are not exactly common warlocks, but we are good people, so don't worry." I said and teleported to Mithrandir's location. Always preferred his Elven name. Much cooler.

I found him running and leading the Dwarves through the plains, trying not to attract their attention while Radagast zooms from one place to another with his sleigh. I teleported in front of him.

"Hello, Mithrandir. May I ask why you are in this part of the Middle Earth?"

"Move it! There are Orcs coming! I don't know who you are and I don't care! Compromise us and you are dead!" he shouted and ignored me. He ignored me, huh? I got ignored by a fucking mortal… I am pissed.

"Oi…" I said in a low, raspy voice. I stopped them and forced the company to look at me. "Do I look like the kind of guy you can simply ignore, wizard? I came here to help you, but I am currently considering feeding you to my pet dragon. Diana." I said and she came out spouting a little bit of fire in the air. "Do they look appetizing?"

Diana looked around and locked eyes with Mithrandir. "The guy with the pointy hat has a lot of magic. A spirit? The other don't look as appetizing."

"You heard her, mortals? You can consider yourselves lucky that you look unappetizing." I saw Bilbo pointing at my back, so I turned around and saw a wolf jumping for my throat. I swatted it out of existence. "I detest being interrupted." I said and had all of the orcs following them teleport to me.

I then talked in their language. "I am the Wandering Cartographer. Even though you are all useless maggots, you should have heard legends about me. I will let you leave with your heads intact. It is not time for a confrontation yet."

When I said that, the leader's eyes shook a little. It might have something to do with how I annihilated a couple of Orc strongholds while I was bored and stole their most precious possessions. Or with the white dragon behind me.

"We will return for now, Cartographer. Thank you, for your lenience." he said and turned his wolf around. Some idiot Orc tried letting an arrow free, aimed for my Hobbit plaything, so I swatted both him and the arrow out of existence.

After the orcs left, I turned to the company, that was sporting some defeated looks.

"You know, I have been to the Lonely Mountain a few millennia ago, before it was even settled by dwarves. It is certainly a beautiful place. What a pity that the lizard Smaug decided to make it his nest… I will be following you, along with my own group. For now, head to Rivendell. You have only a couple of days to get your little map decrypted and Elrond is in quite the high spirits today since I returned." I saw that the Dwarves wanted to protest. "Was swatting Orcs out of existence not enough to make you understand your position? And a dragon? Seriously, Dwarves these days are much more stupid than I remembered. This is an order: go to Rivendell and have Elrond take a look at the map. That, or be exterminated right here and now."

"No! We will go to Rivendell. I was leading them there before you arrived. There is no need to 'eliminate' us." said Mithrandir. My, what a good boy.

"Diana, go back." I said. She returned to my soul and I teleported back to Elrond and Celebrìan.

When I arrived, they were sitting at a table drinking some tea with Merlin.

"Oh, I am not invited to this tea party?"

"Dear, are you sure we should tag along with those rude maggots? I would have already swatted them out of existence after they ignored you…"

"Well, they are fun and will be participating in a big battle, so Pyrrha and Yang will enjoy it. Well, I am also at fault since I did act too casual. Oh, sorry little Cely and Elrond, those interesting little fellows were about to be killed by Orcs, and that wouldn't be a good thing for the world, trust me."

Elrond nodded and said: "There is absolutely no problem, Master Tula. If it was one of your visions, then this group is surely important. I suppose they are coming to Rivendell at the moment?"

"You suppose correctly. There is a certain 'Oakenshield' among them with a nifty little map that will need your help in deciphering it. They are planning on retaking the Lonely Mountain. You might as well strike a deal and get some nice accessories and equipment for your forces." I said. He nodded and we continued drinking some tea until a guard came to inform Elrond about the Dwarves' arrival.

"Well, Elrond. I will go and call the rest of my group. I will join you to greet the new arrivals." I said and teleported to the Tower. I saw everybody ready to go. Well, we aren't doing much today, but it will be nice looking at the Dwarves' faces when they see thirty people joining them.

"Dear, should we go?" asked Rimuru. I nodded and we walked slowly towards the plaza.

When we arrived, I saw Mithrandir talking with Elrond while the Dwarves were all very pissed. Bilbo was simply very confused and scared. Then they saw me and all hell let loose.

"You! You bastard! Who the hell are you?!" shouted Thorin

"Thorin, I am someone who you can't even fathom. Your ancestors might have left some legends about us. The Wandering Cartographers of Rivendell. We have visited Moria a couple of millennia ago."

"The Cartographers? You mean those those crazy old me-" started saying Dwalin, before several arrows were aimed at them.

Celebrìan stepped forward and said: "If you dare disrespect my savior, I will make sure you all become hedgehog lookalikes."

"Yes, we are those crazy old people. Now then, we're coming with you on your leisure trip to the Lonely Mountain. There will be many interesting events occurring, which we will not miss."

"And why should I allow you to follow us?" asked Thorin

"Because I am not asking. I am stating a fact. You will die either way on this trip, so I might as well kill you now and lead your men myself. I can assure you that it would be easier for me."

He raised his finger and wanted to say something, then stopped and lowered it. "Fair point. Wait! I will die?!"

"Yes, you are going to die. But fear not, for I can bring you to salvation!" I said

"That sounded extremely psycho."

"Rebs, we have to talk about your habit of dissing me. It really hurts my image. And my feelings. Guess I'll have to punish you..."

At any rate, Elrond offered the Dwarves a banquet, which wasn't exactly appreciated. Well, he started talking about the weapons they got from the Trolls. Guess I made the right choice taking the originals but putting a copy in their place.

Gandalf convinced Thorin to show the map to Elrond, so that he could read it and all that stuff. I didn't care so I started an impromptu barbecue and jam session.

"You still play the drums? I remember you dropped them after starting uni." said Rebecca

"Well, when I first ended up in Remnant we used to have barbecues almost every week and we started jamming. Plus, it's not like I ever lost my touch. I did continue jamming a little after studying." I said while setting up. The Dwarves were attracted by the smell of meat and alcohol, so they were staring at us. "Are you just going to look or are you going to eat with us? Amethyst, get some seats for our guests."

It was after sundown, so the fire was lighting up the hall where we set up our feast. Fìli and Kìli were very curious about something, so I talked to them.

"So? What's on your mind?" I said. They were surprised and looked at each other for a second.

"Are you a wizard? Like Gandalf?" aske the youngest

"Not exactly. We are all much stronger than Gandalf and much, much older than him. You can call us warlocks, for now."

"Uhm… Before, you said something about Thorin dying. You can see the future?"

"Yes, I can see the future and act upon it. Your trip will be filled with dangers and some should have died, but that was before I joined you. Now, those dangers will only be a source of entertainment for me and my friends."

"You are not an Elf, are you? Even though you have pointy ears, you don't act like them at all…" asked Fìli. I was constantly integrated with Merlin after we fused together. That is something I forgot to mention. That is because I have her bloodline as well, which is basically a Succubus bloodline. Well, I am an Incubus, obviously, since I am a male.

"No, not exactly. You could say that I am some sort of far cousin of Elves. An Incubus."

"Never heard of them." said Kìli

"Obviously, I am the only one."

"And… May I ask why you wish to accompany us on this suicidal mission?" asked a wild Balin

"I did mention it. Entertainment. Nothing we will find on this trip will be remotely dangerous to me and my friends, so we will simply enjoy the trip, young Balin."

"Young… I'm almost 200 years old…"

"And we are millions of years old." he nodded and returned to drinking and eating.

"What is going on here?" asked a wild Gandalf, who was accompanied by Thorin.

"Barbecue." said Ruby.

"Wizard, you should come and eat something!" said Sun

I am already regretting saving him. He's too stuck up. I hope that Gandalf the White will be more… Agreeable.

Well, in the end, Thorin joined in on the feast, probably because he was too hungry. Gandalf enjoyed some alcohol. I had brought out the good stuff, the one I made specially for barbecue, aged a million years at the very least. My Godly fuckery makes it taste divine and I have a nearly unlimited supply of it. And I can always make more with a snap of my fingers.

It took a week before these guys were ready to go. I can't believe they actually made it to the Lonely Mountain within the time limit. Oh well, I can always force my way inside, but I doubt that will be needed. 'The Karma is strong in this one.' is what anyone would say looking at Bilbo. Surely not enough to receive a revelation from the future or be a reincarnated being, but enough to help him.