Ep. 105 - Naboo, Jedi, Tatooine

Since the Naboo blockade will start in about a year, we decided to settle on Naboo for the next year. We will be buying a building in Theed and repurpose it as our HQ. This will serve nicely as our public base, while 30th Haven is our private planet.

I opened a portal and we appeared in the prairie outside Theed. We slowly made our way to the city while taking in the fresh air. We also held an impromptu picnic since it was such a beautiful, sunny day.

We entered the city early in the afternoon and quickly found an old building for sale. It wasn't anything special, but we don't need it to be. I bought it for ten times the asking price while Hephy redesigned it to suit our usual needs. We had one floor for each group: one for me and my wives, one for Jaune and his wives, one for Ren and his girls, one for Sun and his harem, one for Hephaestus, and one for Hecate. She also made a floor to serve as a multipurpose room, be it meditation, training, researching, or crafting stuff.

The next day, we greeted our new neighbors, as it was a custom here in Naboo, apparently. The people here are just so annoyingly kind to each other. It almost feels like that shitty village in 'The Grinch'. Ugh… I shudder just remembering how that old lady wanted to forcibly feed me her 'masterpiece' of a roasted toad. She was nuts, even more than me. Actually, in hindsight, I think that was supposed to be a Gungan. Anyway, we mixed in almost immediately. Our 'cover' was a group of friends that married and is going on a group honeymoon. It isn't exactly wrong, but it isn't exactly right. We are a group of friends, some of us 'recently' got married to someone, but we are not on a honeymoon. I would honestly choose to either stay on 30th Haven or in the Island of Knowledge for my honeymoon at the moment.

Well, I did find an entertaining barman in Theed, so I will spare the inhabitants of Naboo from any further reprimanding. I learnt that Padme really is a shitty queen, but what can you expect from a girl who can barely be called a teenager? Seriously, what idiocy. I guess that I will take her under my wing when the time comes. Do we have a queen or something similar among us? Hm… There's Rimuru, Frey, and Quinella that fit the bill, more or less, so we can make do with them.

Now then, I can't just sit around for the next year, so I need a job of some sort. Palace guard? No way in hell. Hm… Fuck it, I'll just go around seeing if anyone is in need of help to boost my ego.

So, a year soon passed. What a drag, honestly. This place is so damned peaceful! The only eventful occasion was when I uncovered a slave trader, which is illegal here apparently, so I obviously freed the slaves, gave them money, some knowledge that would be useful to find work, and sent them on their way. Now, that slave trader was another of my targets for public torture, so I broadcasted my art to the entire planet.

Ah, I missed the feeling of eviscerating someone while the squirm and try fleeing for their lives. The interesting thing is that it was an alien, some kind of Davy Jones rip-off. His tentacles were quite sensitive to heat, so I slowly burned them all as he shrieked and flailed. He also had many more vertebrae for me to play with, so there's that. Oh, this guy actually tried kicking me, so I ripped out his bones, muscles, tendons, blood vessels, everything. He, hehe… It was fun. Oh, my little stunt caused the queen to send her security to search for me, with very low success. Captain Panaka actually found a 'trail' which led back to me: my voice, but it was easy throwing him off course.

Anyway, the Trade Federation droid army arrived today and they are about to enter Theed. Qui-Gon Jinn aka best Jedi in centuries and Obi-Wan Kenobi aka 'I have the high ground'-guy are boarding the Control Center, so things are going to get interesting really fast now.

We were waiting in our building when some very rude droids entered and started saying 'Roger-Roger' and stuff like that. It somehow pissed me off, so I slowly ripped off every single one of their limbs, then the head. I know they can't feel pain, but still. Well, this made things more interesting for us since the whole fucking droid army came for us at that point.

"Let's stroll towards the Palace. I really want to see this Qui-Gon, he seems one of the better Jedi. His padawan also seems like a good guy." said Sara.

"You've gotten used to our way of thinking… Pretty quickly, I must admit." said Rebecca. Yup, she was used to things, like, a day after learning that we are Gods.

Well, as she suggested, we strolled around the city while helping the civilians and brought the droid army towards the Royal Palace. The people were confused as fuck since the droids would shoot at us but also follow us. Are we leading them? Are we escaping them? Why do those blasters do nothing? Those thoughts were racing through the minds of the population.

The guards wanted to stop us, but I didn't care and just kicked the gates open. Even though we are in a sci-fi universe, Theed is quite Fantasy-ish in terms of architecture. There wasn't even a force field or anything similar. I found the throne room and entered, followed by the gang. They were having fun, I knew it.

Anyway, inside the throne room, I found Sabé acting like a queen, as usual, a few maids, Padme, a couple of other big-wigs, and Panaka. Oh, I disregarded the other ten or so guards.

"Who are y-"

"Shush. Don't speak. It will make it easier. Now, Sabé, switch places with Padme. It's a shitty get-up anyway. Also, use less makeup, it's ugly either way." Damn, that came out more offensive than I was hoping for. Oh, the girl looked shocked. "What? You expect that to fool anyone? Only an idiot wouldn't notice how you steal glances at the real queen for confirmation. Now, get up. You, the big-wigs, go outside and act as cannon fodder." I said and threw those guys out. Useless flesh bags.

Panaka and his men shot me. Sara was pissed and Force Choked them all except for the captain. No living being can shoot me without consequences according to my dear apprentice-wife.

"Oh, what a pity, useless men died a useless death. Couldn't even act as decent cannon fodder…"

Padme at this point gathered enough courage to talk: "Who are you? What do you want?"

"Oh, pretty easy. We are just some old monsters in search of entertainment. At the moment, you are the best source of it. Get comfortable. We will be waiting for a few hours until the two Jedi arrive." I said as we all took our thrones out and started floating around.

"Jedi? Why would Jedi ever come here?" asked Panaka

"Oh, you know, the Chancellor trying to mediate between the Republic and the Trade Federation, with pretty shitty results. They have just been put in a room filled with poisonous gas."

"And how would you know? For all we know, you could be working with the Federation." asked Padme

"Well, the fact that I am not forcing you to sign anything or that I didn't kill you all directly should be good enough. If you want a reason as to why I know the Jedi's condition, Force bullshit."

I was tired of answering stupid questions and just kinda closed my eyes, just to reopen them a few hours later when Qui-Gon arrived outside the throne room. I opened the big-ass doors for him and Obi-Wan. He was obviously confused as fuck when he saw me and the gang just floating there on some thrones. Hm? Jar Jar is missing. Did he get shot already?

"Uhm… We are ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor. We need to contact the Republic, urgently." Oh, yeah, just ignore the floating idiots.

Obi-Wan noticed the piled up corpses from the guards and how they were not dead because of blaster shots.

"They have knocked out our communication systems." said Panaka

"Our only choice is leaving the planet, then."

"I am not leaving the people of Naboo!" said Padme

"Kid, they want you to sign a treaty, which means they want you to return. They won't hurt the people and use them as hostages, if they are intelligent. Obviously the Trade Federation guys are not so smart, but the one behind them is. To put it in a way that the Jedi here will understand, 'I sense a veil of darkness surrounding the Viceroy…' Got it? Good." said Jaune.

"I beg your pardon, but who would you be?" asked the young padawan.

"No one particularly important, just someone powerful in the ways of the Force. I have been waiting for over nine millennia for you two to show up, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan."

"Nine millennia, huh? An ancient Jedi?" asked Qui-Gon

"No, but I met them. A brief meeting and a holocron."

He widened his eyes and muttered 'primordial being…'

Oh? He knows of me? I am surprised and flattered.

I got up from my throne and started walking towards the hangar with the gang. The Jedi, Padme, her maids, and Panaka followed us.

"Master, you have seen those guards. They were not killed by blasters, but by breaking their necks."

"Hush, padawan. You have no idea who you are talking about. No one does… Just hope they don't decide to side with the Federation."

"You two, you know that we can hear you, right?" I said, stunning the master-apprentice duo.

"... Would you, perchance, be a primordial being?" asked Mr. Neeson- Ahem, Qui-Gon

"'Primordial being'? As in the legends?" asked Padme

"Oh? You have legends about us, child? Tell me, I'm curious."

"W-well, they say that all of a sudden a new planet appeared a few days by hyperdrive from here, which was supposedly created by these primordial beings. And that they can do anything. They might also protect you, if they are in the mood."

"Oh, they found 30th Haven then? Good thing that no one ever tried going there. We are indeed Omnipotent and we might actually help sometimes."

Everyone's brain reset. I just admitted that we are primordial beings and either created or moved a planet. That's some next-level shit.

Anyway, we reached the hangar. I was lazy, so I atomized the droids guarding the pilots and entered the ship. It was pretty sleek on the outside, but absolutely outdated on the inside. Ugh, it definitely can't fit all of us… I enlarged the common room enough for us to make the jump to Tatooine.

The mortals organized themselves and went through the puny blockade, damaging the hyperdrive in the process. Best boy R2-D2 saved the day once again, so I will give him a slight upgrade before leaving.

A couple of hours later, Padme came in the common room while wearing her servant clothes and was surprised to see a large space instead of the usual cramped room.

"Hello there, little girl. I realized that we didn't exactly start off on a good note, so I will answer some of your questions." I said and signaled towards a chair in front of me. She sat down and started thinking.

"You are primordial beings, Gods, correct?" I nodded. "Then can't you just solve this situation? Why do you let the people suffer?"

"Do you have any idea how many people are suffering throughout the galaxy? Throughout the universe? And that is only one of the many universes. I don't have enough patience or motivation to save everyone. Plus, my methods usually involve mass brainwashing or radically affecting the power structure, so it is not ideal. Oh, and it will be fun, so…"

"Fun?! Watching as people suffer is 'fun'?!"

"Yes, very. I like to watch as you mortals struggle in vain against something inevitable, such as death or fate. It is also fun to cause wars, as my redhead friend here can confirm. You said it: we are Gods, beings without a timespan and limitless power. Do you think I care about a single planet? No, I don't. I am here because some interesting events will happen and we will be able to have fun, no other reason."

Weiss lightly punched me. "What he meant to say is that we are usually neutral and take a passive approach. If we are interested in some people or places however, we get very 'territorial', you could say. For now, Naboo only served as a momentary base and we have no particular attachment to it."

Yep, that's a better explanation. Gotta love my waifu. Padme was silent for a long time while we just enjoyed some snacks and refreshments.

"How old are you?" she asked

"Old? More than this universe. A few thousand googols, probably, but I actually lost count at a certain point. Age at this point is just a number."

And more awkward silent ensued! Well, awkward for Padme. I'm perfectly happy with silently cuddling with my wives. After a few minutes, we arrived on Tatooine, perfect timing.

"Well, it has been nice to talk with you, but I have a fate to speed up and a couple of aliens to torture." I said, then moved towards the hatch. I encountered Qui-Gon on the way there. He seemed pensive.

"Qui-Gon, what's the matter?"

"I feel… A disturbance, in the Force. I don't like it. I feel like something is going to happen."

"Oh, that it will. I will tell you the beginning to a decent joke: 'a Jedi, a padawan, a queen that likes to dress as a servant, the Chosen One, and a Sith apprentice arrive on the same planet. Oh, there are also 32 strange beings with them.'" I said and patted his shoulder. "Come on, you'll find what you are looking for in Mos Espa, at Watto's shop. Meet me there."

I was walking with the gang through Mos Espa when what I believe is a bounty hunter stepped in front of me. And some of his colleagues circled to our backs. Ooh, entertainment for me. I smiled and looked at the alien.

"Hello there. Do I have something on my handsome face? Or… Are you entranced by my appearance? Sorry, but I am as straight as straight can be."

"Haha! Really funny! Now, put your hand up if you want to live. The women will se-" He didn't get to finish that we all ignited our lightsabers. The surrounding people all pulled back in fear and awe.

"Mind repeating? I think I heard something about selling women…" the guy was trembling. "Nothing? Did I mishear? Tell me, Jaune, Ren, Sun, did my ears fail me?"

"Nope." they all said together.

"Ah, nice to know I am still capable of hearing right! You know, I didn't kill you right away because I thought you were here to rob us or maybe to threaten a certain little girl we arrived with, but I guess I was wrong..." I Force Choked the remaining ambushers, but didn't kill them. I lined up the six aliens in front of me and 'stroked' their cheeks with my lightsaber.

"You see, I am slightly insane and you just made me tick." I said, then started broadcasting the following torture session. I left the five ambushers to the others, while I took care of the bounty hunter I talked with. "I will make you feel… So. Much. Pain… However, since I am generous, you can tell me who your employer is, and I will go easy on you."

"Jabba! Jabba the Hutt! He pays well for beautiful slaves-"

"Never asked you for the details. Hm… He was already a target, but now he's dead for sure. Now then, I will go a little easier on you. Oh, I will still kill you though!" I said

"Wha- No! You promis-"

"I made no promises with you." I said and stabbed his knee. I then took a sharp piece from his metal armor and started cutting him up in very thin slices. I scarred his face first though. I extracted his nails, his bones, his vertebrae, finally his teeth, his tongue, his ears, and his eyes. In the end, I took his soul out and transformed him into another 'Faith Battery', as I ended up calling the device.

I looked over to see a similar scene happening with the ambushers.

"Jabba. Now." said Freya. Ooh, she's pissed more than usual. We teleported towards the worm's base. He still didn't have his palace in the desert and used a huge casino in the richer area of Mos Eisley. I strolled in while decapitating any guard I came across, be it robotic or living. Even if they didn't commit any crimes, they are working for someone who did, and that's enough for me. I started playing some creepy music with a magic circle and also turned all lights off. We could clearly see, but the guests and guards could only see some ominous shining blades coming for them.

We killed every single one of the sinners, while leaving the 'good' people alive. Ruby also healed the slaves on a physical and psychological level. I made my way to Jabba's chamber and I could already 'see' that I wouldn't like the scene.

"Girls, you wait here. Get rid of anyone who's looking for trouble." I looked over to Sun, Jaune, and Ren. They nodded and we burst through the pompous doors that led to the worm's den. I found him with several females laying atop of him. They were of all kinds of races. God, this is worse than ugly bastard hentai!

"Let's erase him." said Sun

"Let's set him on fire." said Jaune

"Let's torture him first." said Ren.

"Let's do all of the above." I said, which was met with their nods of approval. I started yet another broadcast. I didn't even want to touch the thing, so I used Force Choke again and lifted the fatass off his bed. I then stabbed his tail with my lightsaber. He woke up shrieking and 'ree'ing. I already want to kill him…

"Shut up, worm. Ren, would you like to begin?"

"With immense pleasure." he said and started dissecting the Hutt piece by piece. It was absolutely revolting. He didn't even have bones in his body! By the time Ren was done with him, Jabba was completely separated. Literally, his eyes were somewhere in the room, still connected to his brain, so he could see.

"You have a son, right Jabba?" I said. His irises widened. I summoned Rotta in front of me. "Just a newborn worm, I see. A sin-less creature, but an unfortunate one. He just had to be born to you, worm. Pity he shall die before even taking stock of his surroundings." I said and torched the thing alive. "Ah, these adorable little shrieks are the reason I came to love torturing living beings! Just the ones that deserve it, though." I reassembled Jabba's body and handed him to Jaune. He didn't even bother setting things up and just torched him while regenerating his body constantly. He sped up time and had Jabba burn for millions of years, unable to die. It took a couple of minutes, just to give the ones watching the broadcast a nice show.

"Very well… One roasted worm, ready to be thrown in a trash compactor." said Sun, then created a clear compactor that replaced the room. Jaune threw Jabba inside and activated the device. The walls started closing in on the Hutt, but he didn't respond. Only when the walls actually touched him, did he stand up and try to escape. He probably thought that we were joking about killing him.

He started speaking in whatever language he used, but I translated. "No! You can't do this to me! The Hutt will hunt you down throughout the galaxy! There will be nowhere to hide! I can forgive your previous insolence, just leave now and you will be saved!"

"Pfft! Hahaha! You are seriously saying that? I doubt that the Hutt clan wants to go against the '30 Ghosts'. And, in case they want to, it will be a nice way to spend time. I will have so many torture subjects! I will develop so many new ways to inflict pain and fear into the hearts of my victims!"

The worm shouted with his last breaths: "The '30 Ghosts' are dead! They haven't been seen for a thousand years! You will regret this!"

I looked the worm straight in the eye and said: "Do I look dead to you?"

And then, *splat*! His body burst like a water balloon and painted the compactor's walls. Quite gruesome, for sure, but it felt great. We left the room and went back to the girls. I need some cuddles, or I might just freak out and actively hunt down the Hutts. Oh, I erased the slaves' memories and healed their bodies. I hope that will help them.