Chapter 112 Dark Dumbledore's Downfall

*Author's Note*

One of my biggest problems is that I heavily dislike re-writing what someone else has done, so I try to only write stuff no one has done. Since nearly everything has been done to Dumbledore, that made this chapter a bit tricky.

Chapter 112 Dark Dumbledore's Downfall

The sound of a crashing piano was very distinct and not one someone would likely forget. It was also very jarring to the nerves and caused nearly everyone in the Great Hall to freeze up. The only exception was the sounds of roaring laughter coming from the four pixies floating above the four respective House tables. Other than the girl they floated above, each other, and Cosmo, no one else heard their gleeful laughter.

Before the blood started pooling under the debris and they were beyond help, Cosmo got up and pointed his Gold Star Stick wand at the piano and lifted it away to reveal the twitching forms of the unconscious Dumbledore and Hopkirk. Neither were dead. It seemed that the piano had a number of cushioning charms that prevented any sort of fatal impact but both would likely require a few days of bed rest.

After moving the remains of the Piano, Cosmo called out, "Mobilicorpus," causing the unconscious pair to levitate a few inches off the ground before walking out of the hall and floating them over to the Infirmary without a word.

Pomfrey was rather surprised when Cosmo appeared levitating the Headmaster and Ministry lackey.

"My goodness! What happened?!"

Harry shook his head and answered, "Tragic accident. The Piano didn't make it."

"Piano?"

Again without answering Cosmo tossed the pair onto some empty beds and returned to the Great Hall to eat with the students and faculty.

The next day included the 5th year student's first DADA class first thing in the morning and the students assembled into the empty classroom waiting for their new Professor to show up. As the students openly discussed their doubts with fellow classmates, their new green haired Professor entered the room and waved his Gold Star Stick wand at the blackboard, causing the chalk to rise and start writing words on the board as Professor Ludo approached it.

"Alright class, today's lesson is a valuable one many of you will find very useful in the future." He then pointed to the board which had finished writing and read the lesson aloud for the class, "How to Hide the Body."

Once he reached the board he took the chalk and started writing himself as he said aloud, "Now the first thing to consider is weight and mass. The disposal of a large body is completely different from the disposal of a small one. Time is the second most important factor."

Cosmo then turned around to face his class and stopped talking. After a moment he then erased the words from the board and said, "Ah, sorry, this is Fifth Year. That lesson was for a different class."

The Slytherin students who had already started taking notes all frowned with disappointment and the rest of the students all had the same question in mind. 'Which class was that the lesson for?'

After he was done playing with them, he waved his wand and a few dozen notebooks stacked in the corner floated over to each student's desk. Cosmo stated, "This is your O.W.L.s year, and for those who missed the memo, that's your Ordinary Wizarding Level exams. They are the tests society has decided to use to evaluate your performance as a wizard up to this point and it lets everyone know how much effort you've put into being a wizard. If you've put in a lot of effort, you'll have more opportunities. If you have not, then you'll be afforded less opportunities."

Once everyone had a notebook Cosmo continued, "These are study aids called workbooks. They have the summaries of the knowledge you need within, but every summary has missing words. If you already know what the missing word is, then you're fine. If you don't, you should look it up. The workbooks are Enchanted so different words will go missing and reappear randomly. Go over those workbooks as much as possible in your free time and they will point out and remind you what knowledge you didn't know you were missing."

Hermione and a number of Ravenclaws started going over the workbooks with dazzled eyes as if they were looking at the greatest of treasures. The content of the workbooks would basically replace the need to take notes in class, but that was not where the value lied. You could not simply study what you did not know because you would not be aware you didn't know it. The missing sections of the workbooks would thoroughly test what they didn't know so if they came across a blank they couldn't fill in right away, they'd discover what they didn't know and have a chance to learn it.

Of course, summarizing content wasn't simple. Different students had different learning requirements and took and read notes in different ways. A general summary would only be partially effective for most students with only a few getting the full benefits. Or at least that's how it would have been with anyone else. With a Scholar Path Rank of 60, he was fully able to summarize just about anything in the most concise way without losing the essential parts.

There was some murmuring in class and a moment later, a certain Slytherin student called out, "What is this muggle garbage doing in a wizard school?"

Cosmo glanced over at the blonde he hadn't even bothered remembering the name of in his time and said, "You'd be surprised how many things in this castle share similarities with muggles. Or were you under the impression that Wizards invented schools, uniforms, books, and the English language?"

Without waiting for an answer Cosmo continued, "Before Wizards adopted Muggle methods quite a while back, the secrets of magic were passed on through experience and word of mouth. Even after books became commonplace, many never wrote down their secrets out of fear of them being stolen. Of course there was a time when Magic users completely rejected all things muggle. Those were the days of the Druids."

Cosmo waved his wand and a lifelike in-color image of a druid appeared on the chalkboard. He was hairy, covered in animal skin and dirt, looked as if he had not bathed in anything but falling rain water, and appeared completely wild.

"The Druid apprentice would plant a special Oak tree sapling and spend decades taking perfect care of it, all while learning of the wild from his master. When his Oak tree matured, he would take a branch from it to use as his staff. Since he planted and raised it, it would be perfectly attuned to his magic and perfectly conduct Druid spells. It took a while, but Druids were actually very, very powerful. Many of the wizard spells you know of are modernized Druid Spells."

Cosmo took the chalk and tossed it to the ground before transforming it into a spider. Then he cast Engorgio on it to make it the size of a dog. And then he had it jump at Ron Weasley who shrieked like a frightened little girl before the massive spider stopped in mid-air and turned back into a piece of chalk Cosmo summoned back to his hand.

Ignoring the fact that he may have caused the soulless ginger to wet himself, Cosmo explained, "Spells that conjure animals, turn objects into animals, and spells to increase the size of animals, along with the Animagus Transformation are all a part of our Druid Heritage. Imagine turning all the stones and trees around you into wolves and then turning yourself into a wolf to attack your enemy together. Without a spell that can attack multiple targets, you could hide in your own wolf pack and bite your target's wand hand to disarm him while your creatures finish him off. If you had an intelligent animal familiar, you could cast Engorgio on it to increase its size and have it fight by your side. Druids were masters of nature and didn't need books or cauldrons to gather ingredients to make powerful potions and poisons. Of course since they never wrote their experiences down, much of their knowledge is unknown to us."

Cosmo then turned back to Malfoy and said, "So, if you want to discard everything muggle and become a Druid, then by all means. Snap your wand, burn your books, throw away your clothes, never bath again, sleep outside using the sky as your roof and the animals and insects as your roommates, and plant an Oak Tree. What do you say?"

Rather than give an intelligent reply, he stood up and shouted, "You're not a real wizard, you never graduated Hogwarts!"

Cosmo snorted and replied, "Neither did the Founders. Instead they Taught at Hogwarts."

"You have no right to compare yourself to them!"

Cosmo rolled his eyes and waved his Gold Star Stick wand while calling out, "Serpensortia." A dozen snakes of different species, some recognizable, some not, appeared in the classroom. "Engorgio Maxima." With another wave of his wand, all the snakes grew in size until they were three meters long and wider than a human calf. The massive snakes all stood up and started looking around. Cosmo then said aloud in Parseltongue, {That blond human child likes snakes, give him a hug.}

The snakes all turned to Malfoy before simultaneously slithering towards him. Malfoy fidgeted for a few moments before taking out his wand and nearly shouting, "Vipera Evanesca!" The snake vanishing spell did nothing of course.

Seeing this, Malfoy got up and ran to the door shouting, "My father will hear about this~~~" as the snakes followed him out the door and down the hall.

Harry Potter, the student, not the green haired instructor, started laughing and had trouble stopping himself for a few seconds while a number of students looked on with both fear and respect at Cosmo.

Cosmo, noticing Harry's laughter, asked, "Mr. Potter, for those without the gift of serpent speech, would you mind telling the class what I told the snakes?"

Harry had to take a few moments to calm himself before he said, "The Professor said," he almost cracked but held it in, "The Professor said, 'That blonde human child likes snakes.'" Harry strained to keep himself from laughing before he continued, "And he asked the snakes to give Malfoy a hug!" And with that he burst out laughing.

The other students started laughing as well and even the Slytherins laughed

Hermione was the first to calm down and it was only because she noticed something and raised her hand to ask about it.

"Yes Miss Granger?"

"How did you do that? The Enlargement Charm cannot be used on Conjured or Transfigured Creatures. You even said yourself that Druids only used them on animal familiars."

"Ten points to Gryffindor for noticing that. Indeed, you are technically correct, but Magic doesn't always have to make sense." Cosmo pointed his Gold Star Stick wand at his table and said, "Engorgio." The table slowly shrunk while changing color to a deep blue.

He then turned back to Hermione and asked, "What spell did I use?"

She could not answer. He used the proper wand motion and enunciation for the Enlargement Charm, but the effect was a combination of the Shrinking Charm and the Color change Charm. He used the wrong movement and words and the effect was a combination of two spells. She had no idea how that was possible.

Cosmo continued, "Don't assume that just because something made sense yesterday it will make sense today. Don't assume that just because something works today it will work tomorrow. Magic is not about assumption, it is about over-writing reality on a semi-controlled scale. A spell does not work because you waved your wand and said some gibberish. It works because you want it to work. My Enlargement Charm works because I want it to work and I am skilled enough to make it work."

After explaining a bit of the secrets of the universe, Cosmo returned to his lecture and started going over the basics they'd need to be familiar with in order to do well on the O.W.L.s.

Pranking Malfoy got him points with the Gryffindors, being a Parselmouth got him points with the Slytherins, teaching about ancient Druids got him points with the Ravenclaws, and the fact that he was friendly and didn't act like a pompous arsehole was enough to get points with the Hufflepuffs.

After the students left, Cosmo prepped the classroom for the next lesson. The DADA classroom was the largest in the school and one of the few that accommodated all houses of their year every class. Each year got two DADA classes a week, so Cosmo had fourteen classes a week, averaging three a day with the end of Friday being free time.

It took three days for Dumbledore and Mafalda Hopkirk to wake up in the Infirmary and Dumbledore had called Harry Potter to his office as soon as he was able. Cosmo came with him of course.

Upon entering the Headmaster's room, the pair spotted Dumbledore and he wasn't looking particularly up to snuff.

Dumbledore had been noticing that his office had been shrinking in size and growing in size at random intervals. He hadn't actually spotted it when it happened, but sometimes when he wasn't looking, the distance between walls and the distance between everything in the room seemed to increase or decrease. He'd confirmed a dozen times there was no magic being used so he was unable to determine how it was happening.

"Ah, Harry my boy. Thank you for joining me. Mr. Ludo, you can go."

Cosmo smiled and flicked a business card from his hand. It twirled and danced and vanished and reappeared several times as it made its way to Dumbledore's desk where it landed there neatly.

Dumbledore picked it up and read the card. [Cosmo Gigant Fictus Ludo: Prankster, Lawyer, Petty Dabbler of the Magic Arts.]

Dumbledore then actually looked at Cosmo for the first time and realized that the man who'd taken Harry from under his nose was hired under his nose as a Teacher.

Cosmo stated, "I'm on Retainer as Lord Potter's legal advisor so I'll be here for any meetings you need. If you need something from him, you can just ask me directly."

Dumbledore shook his head and said in a kindly grandfather tone, "No, no, I don't think that will be necessary, I just wanted to discuss a few things with Harry."

Cosmo ignored the dozen compulsions Dumbledore cast at the pair and asked, "So those forms on your desk granting you direct access to Lord Potter's vault don't require my presence?"

Dumbledore quickly put his hand over the sheets of paper, surprised that Cosmo had seen through the illusion placed over them making it look like a form for Harry to access his parent's journals. "No, of course not. These have nothing to do with Harry," he said as he removed them from the desk and put them in a drawer.

Cosmo nodded and said, "That's good, because Lord Potter has already Enrolled in the Gringotts Silver Program. Any form signed by Lord Potter will not be accepted by Gringotts unless the signature was witnessed by a Goblin."

Dumbledore's face twitched in a momentary sneer of anger. The Silver Program was a very annoying option Goblins offered and seemed completely worthless. It was in fact worthless to most, but it just so happened to perfectly counter what Dumbledore was doing, trying to trick Harry into signing something. Doing so in the security of his office was easy. Doing so in the presence of a greedy Goblin, less so. For a monthly fee it offered additional ridiculous securities like making vaults only openable once a month. It made robbing it nearly impossible for those who didn't know when it could be opened, but it was almost impossible to rob Gringotts anyways so who would pay extra for something so pointless? And yet, it was a worse case scenario for Dumbledore. If couldn't get the date the Vault could be opened from him, then assaulting Gringotts and using the Imperius on Harry and all the Goblins within wouldn't work.

Harry had already been told that Dumbledore was not his ally and asked, "So what can I do for you Headmaster?"

Before Dumbledore could start assuring Harry that his completely well founded concerns should be ignored, he couldn't help but stop and stare at the pair. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, their robes had changed into a vibrant swirl of technicolor rainbows which slowly shifted and undulated as if it was a flowing tide of color.

Dumbledore had to stop and take a moment to rub his eyes. When he looked again, their robes were back to normal. Sighing in relief at this, he continued, "Harry my boy, you must listen to me."

It was at that moment two pixies teleported into his office and started flying around. Unlike normal pixies which looked like fiendish purple creatures, both of these looked like tiny red headed humans with wings and a tiny golden crown floating over their heads.

Dumbledore could clearly see them but it appeared that Professor Ludo and Harry did not. The pixies then floated over to Cosmo and Harry and waved their tiny gold star stick wands at the pair, turning Cosmo into a green moose and Harry into a giant snake.

Though a green moose, Cosmo did not react at all to his sudden transformation and though Harry was a giant snake, he still had his messy black hair and glasses.

The green moose asked, "Is there something wrong, Headmaster?"

The snake asked, "Yesss, wasss there sssomething you wanted to asssk usss?"

Dumbledore shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, but it was nothing. You can return to your classes."

The snake and moose nodded and left down the stairs.

On the way down, Harry asked, "Why am I a sssnake and what wasss with the color changing thing?"

Moose Cosmo answered, "I'm trying to trick Dumbledore into thinking he's crazy."

"Isn't he already crazy?"

"Oh, definitely, but he doesn't think he is."

By the time they reached the end of the stairs, they were human again. By this point Harry had already had enough of Cosmo's weirdness to just accept that he was turned into a snake and not react.

The very next week, Mafalda Hopkirk had gotten herself promoted from 'Guest from the Ministry' to 'Hogwarts High Inquisitor.'

It didn't take a genius to see Dumbledore's thumb in this. After realizing he'd made a mistake of appointing Cosmo the DADA teacher, he needed a way to remove him and he needed Harry Potter to suffer. Once Cosmo was removed from the school and Harry Potter had been beaten down, Dumbledore would come to his rescue and he'd be grateful enough to blindly follow Dumbledore's plan.

The first of Many Educational Decrees had been posted and it was an interesting part of a two pronged assault

[Educational Decree Number 1

Neither Students nor Staff may perform any spells within Hogwarts outside of the Approved Curriculum.]

Hopkirk had also been trying to get the DADA textbooks replaced so that 'Approved Curriculum' would be heavily restricted, but for some inexplicable reason, the Ministry Approved Textbooks all burst into flames after being printed and all the stored copies too had all turned to ash.

That was part one of the assault. Part two came from a letter hand delivered by Draco Malfoy during the next week's DADA class. It was a letter from his father demanding an Honor Duel.

Seeing the gloating look of superiority the lesser Malfoy wore in front of the whole class, Cosmo reached behind his desk and took out a tall glass bottle containing a red substance and handed it to Malfoy.

Malfoy looked at the bottle, not recognizing the name on it or its markings. "What is this for? Heinz?"

Cosmo answered, "That little Malfoy is a bottle of Ketchup. Keep it on you at all times."

"What for?"

"Because I suspect that one day you are going to be eaten by a dragon. When you are, use the Ketchup on yourself. No matter how terrible of a human being you are, you'll still taste good with ketchup."

The class didn't survive Cosmo's punch line and everyone, especially the Slytherins, couldn't hold back their gales of laughter.

Malfoy scrunched his face but before he could say anything Cosmo interrupted, "I know, I know, your father, blah blah. Tell him we can Duel in the Great Hall Saturday Morning."

Malfoy didn't have the spine to stay in a room of students laughing at him and turned to leave. Right as he did, Cosmo shouted, "Malfoy, you forgot your Ketchup!"

This renewed the laughter and sent Malfoy away even faster.

Cosmo considered the best way to win. The Educational Decree didn't affect Lucius Malfoy who was neither Student nor Staff. In fact technically it didn't even affect Mafalda Hopkirk herself. And if Cosmo cast any spells that seemed even the slightest bit dark, either Dumbledore or the High Inquisitor would have grounds to remove him as a teacher. He knew how to properly isolate Magic so technically he could bring a gun and just shoot Lucius, but he was a teacher and that was not a good example to set for anyone.

As for spells, he wasn't going to bother. He could guess the next Educational Decree with ease.

Days passed and word about the Duel spread thanks to Malfoy's massive mouth. Cosmo was probably the only one besides his girls, Dumbledore, and Hopkirk not surprised by the Educational Decree that was coincidentally announced that same Saturday morning.

[Educational Decree Number 2

For the safety of the students, staff and students may not cast unapproved spells within the Great Hall for any reason.]

This list of approved spells was incredibly short as most of the things done in the Great Hall were done by House Elves and the Educational Decree didn't affect them.

Even with the game rigged against him, Cosmo still showed up at the Great Hall waiting for his opponent to arrive to start the duel. Many other students without classes waited to watch what their interesting new DADA teacher had planned.

When the time came for Lucius to arrive. He didn't show up. Cosmo said, "I guess I win."

Challenging someone to an Honor Duel wasn't as simple as delivering a letter. In order to make sure the opponent could not back out, you risked your honor to make sure a challenge. What did losing mean? It meant Malfoy could no longer enter the Ministry of Magic. The Ministry had certain magics that prevented those without Honor from entering. Dueling was something that was never done because the risks were higher than the possibility of injury.

Little Malfoy shouted, "No, he's coming! He'll be here any second to show you what a real Wizard is!"

Cosmo smiled back at Malfoy and replied, "No he won't. You see through an extremely poor moment of luck, your father was poisoned last night. Food poisoning I guess. Bad ingredients no doubt. He doesn't have the strength to get out of bed, much less leave his house and carry his wand. He tried to reach Professor Snape, but coincidentally, Professor's Snape's floo wasn't working. He tried to send a letter last night by Owl, but it got lost on the way. So no Mr. Malfoy, your father is not coming."

Cosmo had not whispered so not only Draco, but the entire mass of students and faculty heard him.

It took a moment but Draco eventually added two and two and declared, "You, you Poisoned him! You cheated!"

Cosmo shook his head with a smile, "Now now Mr. Malfoy, you shouldn't be slandering me like that. I've been in this castle the whole time. How could I possibly poison him from here?"

Then Cosmo did something no one expected. He bent down so he could look Malfoy level in the eye and continued with a smile. "Besides, doesn't your father have some important Guests over? Are you implying that I have the means to break into your house without a trace and without any of your guests knowing and poison your father and leave again without notice? That's a rather impressive thing to accuse someone of. Especially since if I was capable of such a thing, I should also be capable of using something far more potent than something that mimics the effects of food poisoning. If I was capable of what you're accusing me of, then doesn't that mean I could kill your father any time I wanted to and neither he nor his guests would be able to stop me? Are you sure you want to accuse me of that?"

Cosmo had never raised his voice or shown a hint of anger, but Draco was sweating buckets as the realization of what this man had done slowly washed over him. Draco was many things, a great many things, but willfully suicidal was not one of them.

Draco said, "A-apologies. I did not m-mean to say it that way. That clearly is impossible. It was just b-bad luck."

Cosmo smiled and nodded before standing back up straight and returning to his classroom to grade some homework. On the way out he turned and smiled at Mafalda Hopkirk who gritted her teeth in outrage. She had cheated in every way possible yet she still lost.

During the first DADA class of the following week, Professor Ludo told his students, "Now our High Inquisitor has informed me that there are a number of spells the Ministry will no longer allow to be taught in Hogwarts. I'm sure you all want to know what spells those are so you can better follow the rules, so I made some posters you can take into your rooms. Each has an example of one of the spells on that list and the exact instructions for how to cast it so you will know what not to learn."

He pulled out a rolled up poster and unfurled it before the class. It contained the exact wand motions and casting instructor for the spell, Draconifors. It was a nifty spell that could transfigure objects into dragons of the same size. He then tossed it into a pile. At the end of class, every student had taken one or more posters and he restocked the pile at the beginning of each class.

The following week saw the halls filled with small dragons of various sizes flying around and setting random things and people on fire, with Hopkirk and often Draco being the main target. Of course no one was actually caught using the spell and you could not easily identify the caster just by finding the dragon he made.

On a completely unrelated note, Draco also found that he was often anonymously gifted a bottle of Ketchup which was placed in his room.

The first girl to successfully ask Harry Potter out on a date was Susan Bones and thanks to the subtle nudging of Wanda's lessons, Harry agreed, making MJ, Susan's Fairy, the winner. That didn't mean there wasn't a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th place, so the other girls continued to get their godchild to pair up with Harry as well. Since each of the girls was in a multiple party relationship, they knew how to convince others to join the dark side.

Besides building up relationships, the girls also took turns messing with Ron Weasley and on occasion, Ginny Weasley. Ron was actually worse than Cosmo initially thought. Dumbledore literally had to Obliviate the teachers at the end of each year to make them forget how terrible his test scores were. Dumbledore actually planned to get himself kicked out of the Castle before the O.W.L.s so that he could use Polyjuice and the Imperius Curse to sneak into the scoring panel for Mr. Weasley to get him to pass all the same classes Harry did in order to ensure they remained together next year.

Harry and Hermione had already been purged of loyalty potions and the terrible mannerisms Ron displayed on a daily basis were no longer ignored. It took three days for Harry to draw a line for Ron to stop crossing and less than a day for him to cross it, leading to the breakup of the golden trio much to Jean's satisfaction. Jean also prevented Hermione from getting dosed with any other potions and had her stop helping him with homework and notes. She'd spent time building up her confidence which Ron had beaten down and felt Hermione should be asking Harry out on a date any time now.

At the end of September was the first Staff meeting where everyone gathered together to discuss students, problems, and anything else that came to mind. Most teachers liked it but Snape spent the entire staff meeting looking irritable. Cosmo wasn't sure if he actually was, or if that was his default expression when alive.

Dumbledore came early to this meeting with a number of plans, mostly centered around getting the staff to team up against Cosmo and make him quit as soon as possible.

He couldn't just start there of course so he began as usual, "Now Minerva, how are our students this year?"

What he didn't expect was that for some inexplicable reason, she'd answered him in the thickest Scottish accent he'd ever heard from her in his life.

"Thare ur a batch o' talents bit as usual, mair slackers. Students wha grew up wi'oot bein' taught howfur tae learn 'n' simply expect tae become a powerful wizard wance thay caw eighteen. ."

What was perhaps odder, was that no one else seemed to mind. Looking for some backup, Dumbledore motioned to Snape for him to address it, but he hadn't noticed it and assumed Dumbledore was asking about his opinion of the students. So he answered. Also in an impossibly thick Scottish accent Dumbledore had never heard Snape use before.

"Tis juist anither sorted pile o' mindless dunderheads. Thay lack ony understanding o' th' subtle art o' potion brewing 'n' wouldn't ken a guid thought if yin wis gubbed intae thair foolish heids. "

Although Dumbledore wasn't completely certain what Snape had just said, he was confident it included an insult and McGonagall as usual, took offense.

She stood up and said, "Noo see 'ere, they're bairns, nae perfaissional potion brewers. If yi'll waant thaim tae become a perfaissional, then act lik' a professor 'n' teach thaim. It haes bin mony years sin ye graduated 'n' tae this day ye aye act lik' a bairn yersel'!"

Dumbledore was pretty sure bairn meant child and since he'd heard this argument before, he could guess the remainder of the content, so he held his hands up and said, "A matter for another time perhaps. Filus, how are your charges?"

Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, he also answered in an atrociously thick Scottish accent.

"Plenty o' guid seeds 'n' mair wi' got somehin tae graw. It does a hert guid tae see th' young wi' a loue o' learning, 'n' we hae oor freish professor tae thank fur muckle o' that."

From what Dumbledore could tell, everyone perfectly understood one another. He wasn't sure why everyone was speaking as if they had been raised in Scotland all their lives as he was fully aware Filius and Snape were not. Snape especially would never use an accent. He preferred strict enunciation to more clearly convey his unique brand of venom into every syllable of his tone. Snape was also not one to play pranks, so if this was some form of jest at Dumbledore's expense, Snape would be sooner caught dead than be caught taking any part of it.

Pomona Sprout nodded at what Flitwick said. She looked over at Cosmo sitting at the end of the table and added with a smile, "That's richt. Tis bin years sin a've seen a teacher instill wi`in thair students a loue o' teaching, even if ye did uise a few unique means tae dae sae."

Cosmo smiled back, greatly enjoying the look of utter puzzlement Dumbledore was displaying. No one was actually using a Scottish accent, he just heard everything as if it was. Cosmo replied to Professor Sprout, "Thank you. I actually have to thank our esteemed High Inquisitor. There are few ways better to get a child to learn something than to forbid learning it while granting easy access to the source material."

McGonagall chuckled. The spell posters Cosmo had been handing out included a wide range of fun, but difficult spells. Simply because they were banned from being taught it, the students took greater initiative to learn it, and the act of learning it imparted skill which carried over to other spells.

The Draconifors spell for example was a difficult piece of transfiguration magic, but so many students could cast it now and their experience practicing and learning that spell made it easier for them to learn other Transfiguration spells. The little dragons flying around the castle were a small price to pay for having all of her charges become more skilled in Transfiguration. Especially because most children instinctively smiled when they saw a dragon, so despite the Ministry's attempt at interference, the castle had been filled with smiles.

Snape sneered at the exchange, not liking others to be complimented in his presence and stated, "Foolish ideas from a foolish mind. A school is not a proper place for such childish games."

Cosmo rolled his eyes and cheekily replied, "Last I checked, I was Professor Games." Ludo could be translated to mean either Game or Prank. Of course that meant his full name was Cosmic Giant Fake Prank.

Snape argued back, "More proof of your inadequacies as a Professor."

Cosmo smiled and said, "Rather than tell people they can't do something, you should help them get better at what they can do. Here, I'll give you an example. Your hair grease and massive beak of a nose must get in the way of your potion making right?" Without waiting for a response, Cosmo waved his wand. Nothing happened though.

Snape glowered and stated contemptuously, "Was that supposed to do something?"

Cosmo shrugged, "Just help you a bit."

Dumbledore was still hearing Cosmo, Snape, and everyone else speak with Scottish accents so he wasn't entirely following what anyone was saying, but he could tell from their faces that Snape appeared to be losing an argument, so he motioned for everyone to calm down and go back to the discussion required for the staff meetings.

It was obvious he was not going to get the staff to turn on Cosmo today, so he'd have to try another means and hope whatever was causing the accents would go away on its own.

The following day Dumbledore was relieved to find that the staff and students were coherent once more, but that relief was short lived when Voldemort stormed up the Great Hall looking furious.

Many students screamed and even Dumbledore drew his wand. He didn't need to do anything though and McGonagall fired a stunner before anyone else could say anything and sent the man down. Once he fell to the ground, the teachers and students approached along with Dumbledore. After a moment of observation, the Headmaster realized it was not Voldemort. Somehow, his potions Professor had become completely bald and his nose was gone. This combined with his already pale complexion from staying in the dungeon for years caused him to look a great deal like the current Dark Lord.

Cosmo smiled. Now there was no chance Snape's nose would accidentally dip into the potion he was brewing and his hair and hair grease would not contaminate any potions either. It felt good to help people.

Things at Hogwarts only got stranger for the Staff and Students in the weeks and months to come. Madam Pomfrey was unable to help Snape regrow his missing nose or his hair, meaning Snape had to resume teaching classes looking like a mockery of the Dark Lord. Cosmo denied any accusations that he was responsible.

After the first semester finished things got really weird. Hopkirk had set up an Educational Decree which required all mail to be examined and she tried to capture Hedwig. From that point onwards, Hedwig was often seen chasing Hopkirk down the hall shooting low powered lasers at her butt. What was stranger was that Hedwig was often accompanied by Trevor the Frog who somehow knew and could skillfully use Kung-Fu and a large black rat that appeared to be foaming at the mouth.

Cosmo could also perfectly mimic Dumbledore's magic signature and shift into Dumbledore's form. He used this and ordered the Bound House Elves of Hogwarts to do a large number of unusual things. When asked about it by the staff, they'd just answer that they were told to so by the Headmaster. They had been instructed to polish several of the halls until they were smoother than a Bowling Alley lane, meaning students and staff had to slide across said halls as they were impossible to walk over. Many stairways had been replaced with rope ladders meaning many of the unfit pureblood children had difficulties getting to classes and their dorms. All the candles in the castle had been replaced with floating, glowing skulls that would shift around and stare at the closest student. Several rooms and halls would be set on fire at specific times of the day, so you had to keep track of which ones did so you could walk around them.

The staff and students were most confused by all this, but Dumbledore was by far, the most confused. When the teachers asked why he had ordered the House elves to do such a thing, he had to make up a reason since he couldn't tell him he didn't remember giving such orders. They were bound to him, so the possibility of them taking someone else's orders had never crossed his mind, meaning it had to have been him to do so, he just didn't recall when and why he did it.

DADA class had become a bit boring, but Cosmo was still pleased with what he'd done. Although the Educational Decrees had neutered anything fun Cosmo could teach, that really didn't stop him. He'd used the first months of teaching to learn which students needed the most help and which could keep a secret. Once he knew both, he started ordering the House Elves to sneak into certain student's rooms and place charm bracelets on certain students.

The bracelets were a masterpiece of magic which allowed students to enter a Virtual space he'd named Avalon when they slept or meditated while wearing the Bracelets. The first time they entered, they had to take a vow that they would not share the existence of the Virtual space or the bracelets with anyone. For those who refused to take the vow, the bracelet would vanish off their wrist and they would have no memory of Avalon

Avalon contained a Library with every magic book that existed in their world, a Virtual Potions Lab, a Dueling Arena, a Combat Practice Zone, a Movie Theater, an Arcade, and hundreds of other things. Everyone accessed the same space, so Students could work together and play every night. The Avalon Bracelets were completely unnoticeable to those without the same bracelet so other students and teachers never noticed the students wearing them. The coolest part about the Bracelets was that after wearing them long enough, the Witch or Wizard would establish a permanent connection to Avalon and could pass the Bracelet to another. Of course, if that person didn't agree to the Vow of Secrecy, the Bracelet would vanish afterwards.

Before February, Daphne, Hermione, and Luna Lovegood had all asked Harry Potter out on various dates both in and out of the Avalon and agreed to share him. Cosmo also implanted Harry Potter with some knowledge that gave the Harry Potter of this world the equivalent of a Rank 25 Sex Path, and with the stamina granted from the Goblin ritual, Harry would have no problems keeping his wives smiling in the future.

Every muggleborn and most muggle raised got a bracelet along with a number of half-bloods with poor access to resources and purebloods who could be trusted. The Weasley Twins got a pair and could always be found in the Virtual Potions Lab since it had an unlimited amount of virtual ingredients to practice with and make new concoctions with which they could just safely test on their virtual selves each night.

The youngest Weasleys did not get one and Ronald's poor performance was brought up by McGonagall at almost every staff meeting as the boy did worse than a Troll on quizzes and tests and rarely turned in more than a paragraph if that on any required assignment. Dumbledore claimed he'd handle the Weasley problem each time and McGonagall let it go again and again.

Ginny was doing better than her brother but when she noticed that Harry had been dating multiple girls, she tried to dose Harry with a Love Potion provided by her mother while Ron tried the same with Hermione. Harry's Lord ring warned him of the potions and Pixie Jean directly told Hermione. They brought it up to McGonagall who brought it up to Dumbledore who said he'd take care of it. Nothing happened of course, but even without Dumbledore doing anything, Jean, Jade, Rogue, and MJ had been having lots of fun messing with the pair so they were probably worse off staying at Hogwarts than they were getting expelled.

Dumbledore's perception of reality had been getting progressively worse. Every room he was in would visibly compress and expand like it was breathing. The colors of things he saw at the corner of his eyes would shift into tie-dye. He often saw those golden crown wearing fairies turn random students into animals which didn't seem to notice. On several occasions he witnessed Professor Quirrell, Professor Lockhart, Tom Riddle, and Gellert Grindelwald walking past him and turning around a corner before he could get a second look. On one occasion in the great hall during a Holiday Feast, Professor Quirrell walked into the Great Hall and burst into flames, screaming all the while as he slowly turned to charred bones and ashes. Dumbledore even smelt it, but no one else noticed it or seemed to see it. It was most disconcerting.

There was another thing he noticed. The few times he'd tried getting closer to Harry Potter, he'd noticed that Potter's scar was nearly fully healed. He'd asked Severus to check with the Dark Lord if the connection to Harry Potter remained, but the meeting did not go well. Voldemort was most displaced with Snape's new look and the time his potions Professor had spent under the Cruciatus Curse had left him twitching to the point he was unable to make potions for weeks.

Snape did however confirm that the Dark Lord no longer felt that previous connection he had with Potter. The only reason Voldemort saw fit to inform Snape of this was to get the potions Professor to do something from his side to lure Harry Potter to the Hall of Prophecies. Voldemort had been quite irritable about that place ever since he sent Nagini there and somehow she had been beheaded with laser vision.

Dumbledore did not consider himself evil. Harry had to die. Harry had many resources. It would be a waste for Harry to use them himself so they had to be kept from him until he died so that Dumbledore could use them better. But all of that was only relevant if Harry had to die.

Still, Dumbledore had already spent years planning everything. He was wiser than anyone and his plans were superior to everyone else's. His perfect world was needed and would make everything better, he knew this more than anyone. Coincidentally, as he thought of this, Fawkes loudly scoffed at him. Dumbledore looked over and saw his bound familiar was wearing a perfectly fitted formal suit, top hat, monocle, and drinking tea from a teacup Fawkes had picked up with his wing.

Dumbledore continued to stare, trying to will whatever illusion was cast over him to vanish, but it was to no avail.

Fawkes noticed his stare and commented, "How rude." A silver portal then appeared to Fawke's side and the Phoenix walked through it, still holding the teacup.

Dumbledore got up and whipped out his wand to check what had just happened. His wand found no trace of anything or course. He was tempted to call Fawkes back, but he didn't particularly need his Phoenix at the moment so decided to set the matter aside.

Besides messing with Dumbles, Cosmo had a small list of other things to do before he left. He visited Neville's parents and fixed them. The spell he cast was not possible for most wizards. He used Time Magic to reverse the damage to their minds and then made a perfect copy of their undamaged minds before undoing the Time Magic. Then he carefully overwrote their damaged minds with the copies. This was impossible without both Time Magic and a complex understanding of the mind. Harry figured this trick out once he had a grasp of Time Magic and understanding of the Mind Stone. He'd done so to the Longbottoms of his world and every world he'd tortured an Umbridge in as well.

And other than the Pranks Dumbledore actually remembered, there were a number of pranks he was not even aware had been performed on him. Oftentimes when he thought he was giving out meaningless platitudes to students and staff, he was actually saying random words like, 'Blubber, oddment, and tweak.' No one called him out on it though since that was relatively normal for him.

During Halloween, Cosmo made Dumbledore think it was a year ago and Dumbledore gave a repeat performance of that day in the Great Hall. Before everyone in the castle, he ran over to Harry Potter. Two Slytherin students were in the way so Dumbledore swatted out his wand sending the pair screaming across the hall. He got to the Gryffindor table, lifted Harry by his robes, slammed him into a nearby wall and shouted, "HARRY! DID YAH PUT YAH NAME IN DA GOBLET OF FIYAH?! DIDYA?!"

Harry could only repeat what he answered the prior year, "What? No sir!"

Dumbledore then calmly put Harry down and said, "Well alright. Remember, in the darkest times, peppermint, bubble, toenails, hamster." He then patted Harry on the shoulder and returned to the staff table to the bewildered stares of everyone in the school.

Cosmo even got to play with Umbridge again. The woman had been kept up to date on Hopkirk's progress and was not happy. One day she had burst into Cosmo's DADA classroom and the moment she noticed the green haired Professor, she started screeching at the top of her lungs numerous profanities not acceptable for the ears of children.

At the time, Cosmo waved his Gold Star Stick wand and a closet at the side of the classroom opened up. It was filled to the brim with piles of rusty weapons like swords, axes, and spears. Cosmo then waved his wand again and magically threw Umbridge into the closet and closed the soundproof door behind her.

A few minutes later, one of the students pointed at the blood pooling from underneath the door and asked if she was okay.

Harry answered, "She's fine, it's just her time of the month."

Over the course of the year, Cosmo had been ordering the Elves to put neutralizing potions in the food and by February, all the students and staff completely recovered from the effects of the loyalty potions. Hopkirk eventually cited all the evidence of Dumbledore's clear insanity to get him kicked out, allowing her to replace him as the Headmaster.

She wanted to fire Cosmo, but he'd been keeping in line with all the Educational Decrees and she was a bit concerned that if she fired him, she'd die of food poisoning the next day, so she decided to just suppress him as much as possible and ignore him until the end of the year.

Dumbledore wasn't aware that his loyalty potions were neutralized or he never would have allowed himself to leave. During the first Staff meeting at the end of February, Hopkirk had no problem pointing out every inconsistency, problem, and irregularity she'd found the staff had allowed under Dumbledore's leadership. Normally, those would have been ignored, but without the potions and with those problems directly pointed out, none of the Professors were able to ignore them.

At the end of the year, during the O.W.L.s, Dumbledore did not take the place of an Examiner in order to let Ronald Pass, he had in fact allowed that piece to be removed from the board so he could take a bigger piece. He had decided it was time for Harry to die.

Although Cosmo had also arranged for Sirius to be purged of Loyalty Potions, he was not at the school so did not have an impression of just how much Dumbledore had lost it. So when Dumbledore showed up, Sirius had his guard down, allowing Dumbledore to stun him. Through Snape, Dumbledore then delivered Sirius to Voldemort and told Snape to get Harry a message that his godfather had been kidnapped and was in the Hall of Prophecies. Though when Snape brought Sirius to Voldemort, he claimed it was all his idea.

Or at least that's what it looked like to everyone else. Jean's ability to see into the future wasn't inhibited by their presence in an alternate dimension and she'd told Cosmo of what she'd seen long before it happened.

So before Snape could take Sirius to Voldemort, Cosmo had shown up, stunned Snape, revived Sirius, and gave the pair a two hour Polyjuice making one look like the other while placing a Confundus charm on Snape. Sirius initially refused the polyjuice since he didn't want to look like Volde-Snape, so Cosmo temporarily removed the magic he'd cast on him, returning Snape's nose and hair. Sirius complained it didn't look any better, but eventually agreed, just so he could watch the show. He was also happy that Snape would return to being Vole-Snape by the time the Polyjuice wore off.

The fact that when Snape showed up, he looked normal again wasn't questioned by Voldemort or his Death Eaters. Sirius, a prankster at heart and someone who argued with Snape hundreds of times, knew exactly how to mimic his venomous tone to convince the group he was legit.

After Harry had aced his O.W.L.s, Sirius showed up looking like Snape at Hogwarts. He then used his wand to lift the robes of multiple students of both genders while giving a perverted grin, he set fire to the Slytherin Common room, and he cast the same charm on the Death Eater Spawn that Cosmo had cast on Snape. Learning said spells was Sirius's price for agreeing to this plan. Since the spell only took effect the next day, none of them knew that their hair and noses were about to go missing.

Snape-Sirius told Harry the plan which required Harry to hide and not be seen for the next few hours. Hermione offered to help and took him somewhere she intended on keeping him for the rest of the day. Sirius was very proud. Especially when he discovered later that she had to call for backup because his stamina was too high and she kept passing out on him.

Sirius then met up with Cosmo who changed his appearance to fifteen year old Harry Potter and took him out of Hogwarts to the Ministry of Magic. He took him all the way into the Hall of Mysteries where a group of Death Eaters surrounded 'Sirius Black' and took turns torturing him over and over. Belatrix had the most fun, using her favorite spell on him again and again. They appeared most impressed that Snape had escorted Potter all the way into their clutches.

The Senior Malfoy should have been the one there to greet him, but since he couldn't enter the Ministry due to his lack of Honor, another Death Eater told Harry to fetch the Prophecy or Sirius would be killed.

After pretending to agree, 'Harry' grabbed the Prophecy and then made a run for it. He 'coincidentally' and 'accidentally' dodged all the spells fired at him and made his way up to the Ministry Atrium. Sirius-Snape stayed behind and started stunning Death Eaters in the back and tying them up. All the ones who didn't chase after Harry were captured and bound.

Then Voldemort showed up and without any banter, bragging or build up, he unceremoniously fired a Killing Curse at Harry's chest, causing him to drop. His Instant Death Immunity prevented it from working of course, but Dumbledore who watched everything from the shadows, wasn't aware of that.

Once Harry was dead, Dumbledore emerged and started dueling against Voldemort in a heroic display to avenge the fallen child. Thanks to the Elder Wand, Dumbledore held the advantage and suppressed Voldemort with pure power and finesse. Rather than continue, Voldemort decided enough was enough and apparated out before the Ministry officials arrived. He'd already killed Harry Potter, he could kill the old man later.

Thanks to some discreet mental manipulations, Dumbledore went entirely unaware of Voldemort's departure. In his eyes, he still saw himself fighting against Voldemort in a legendary battle that would be discussed for ages to come. As the Minister for Magic and the Ministry Employees entered the atrium, they witnessed Dumbledore casting powerful spell after spell, destroying everything in the area for no apparent reason.

They witnessed Dumbledore then appear to stop casting and turned to see Fudge was there. Without any hesitation, Dumbledore walked up to Fudge and said, "Platypus, sherbet, barnacle, excelsior. Yes, I know, I know. I was right. I'll take care of it."

To the stunned and shocked Ministry officials, Dumbledore then walked over to a nearby Floo and left. He hadn't even noticed that Harry Potter's body was missing.

Dumbledore returned to Hogwarts and his office. He'd ensured it could not be opened by Hopkirk before he left so everything was right where he left it. He spent the remainder of the night planning his rise before going to sleep. He completely ignored the various creatures playing around his office which were clearly not real.

The next morning during breakfast, Dumbledore entered the Great Hall and said, "It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you that Harry Potter was murdered by Voldemort last night."

"WHAT?!" came the collective shouts of multiple students and teachers. One such shout sounded quite familiar and Dumbledore turned to the Gryffindor table to see Harry Potter was sitting there next to Hermione, eating breakfast.

Before Dumbledore could understand what was going on, the doors to the Great Hall were thrown open and the Minister for Magic and a dozen Aurors entered, wands pointed at Dumbledore.

The Minister exclaimed, "Albus! You are charged with destruction of property and conspiracy!"

Dumbledore said using his calm grandfather voice, "This is not the time Cornelius, Voldemort has clearly returned."

Fudge shouted, "Yes, we found him in the Hall of Prophecies. But though he looked different, how could we not recognize Severus Snape! You think you can make him look like You-Know-Who, and convince us that he's returned?! You've gone completely mad!"

Dumbledore almost dropped his wand in shock. "What?"

Fudge continued, "Still think you can trick me?! Having your Potions Professor dress up like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, ordering him to re-cast the Imperius Curse on all those upstanding members of society, and making them dress up and gather around him. You think that is enough to trick myself and all of Britain into thinking he's back!?"

"But, but, you saw him. I fought him in front of you. He killed Harry Potter."

From the side, Harry Potter said, "Um, this guy's crazy."

Everyone looked at Harry Potter again. Dumbledore realized this time, it wasn't in his head, he was clearly sitting there and everyone could see him. That was impossible! He had to fix that, if he made Harry Potter dead, then he wouldn't be real in front of him.

Dumbledore quickly shot out a spell, but Harry deflected it with his bare hands using a Gesture Magic Shield Charm, then he used another piece of Gesture Magic to cause Dumbledore to release his grip on his wand, causing it to fall to the ground. Hermione summoned it to her before Dumbledore could grab it.

The Avalon Library included Gesture Magic, Voodoo Magic, Shaman Magic, and everything else. He'd been especially interested in the Gesture magic section.

The Aurors surrounded him and Dumbledore cried out, "Fawkes!" Only to discover his bonded familiar didn't seem to exist anymore. As if the bond he'd forced on the immortal bird had been moved to a rock or something.

Dumbledore was arrested, bound in anti-magic cuffs, and brought to trial. He insisted on using Truth Serum and under the effect, truthfully admitted that he had fought Voldemort and saw Harry Potter die. Under further questioning, he also admitted to seeing a number of other things that were clearly signs of insanity.

Dumbledore was sentenced to the long term ward of St. Mungos, ironically in the room that used to belong to Frank and Alice Longbottom where he decried them all, claiming he was not crazy and the only one who could vanquish Voldemort.

On an unrelated note, Voldemort was never seen again after leaving the Ministry Atrium. The next day, every Death Eater but one slowly lost their magic until they were no better than a squib. The exception was Severus Snape. This of course made others believe he was responsible, that it had something to do with how he re-cast the Imperius on the Upstanding Members of Society and made them dress up as Death Eaters again. Casting the Imperius is a one way trip to Azkaban, but for the crime of taking the magic from so many ancient Pure Blood families, and for what he was seen doing at Hogwarts before he left, he was sentenced to the Dementor's Kiss. He claimed innocence of course, but no one trusted the Potions Professor and Master Occlumens not to be resistant to Truth Serum so they hadn't bothered offering any.

The Magic-less Death Eaters could not vote in the Ministry and before they could assign their replacements, Sirius Black used the moment to come forward and get a trial and was promptly declared innocent. He moved in with Harry into Potter Manor which had frequent guests over the summer in the form of four girls.

Before leaving, Cosmo enchanted the Hogwarts Attendance Book. A month before any Muggleborn was visited by a Professor, they would be sent a Avalon Bracelet with a compulsion to wear it while they slept. Before the Professor showed up, they'd already have access to more magical knowledge than most Purebloods and would not be disadvantaged. Perhaps centuries in the future, someone might even figure out how Cosmo made the Avalon Bracelets and Avalon itself.

Cosmo and the girls returned to their world and Cosmo changed back to Harry Potter. The girls then took him back to his bedroom to grind his Sex Path Rank for the next several hours.