40. Epilogue Part I

The smoke was dissipating quickly, black turning to grey turning to white against the clear July sky.

Maya watched it, a relieved smile on her face.

Five alarms were thankfully rare, but this one had taken out an entire city block. She’d heard a few firefighters from Station 86 were injured and there had been two civilian casualties, but her people were all safe and accounted for. At least there was that.

She checked her tablet again, confirming that her team were all out of the building, and then turned, preparing to hand-off command to her lieutenant. There was somewhere important she needed to be.

As she approached the command tent, a familiar face caught her eye and she paused, genuinely pleased to see Andy standing in front of her.

“Captain Herrera,” she said, tipping her head.

Andy did the same. “Captain Bishop.”

“Everyone good?” Maya still saw her former colleagues from time to time, she still cared, and she wanted to make sure that they were okay.

“Travis scratched his nose, but otherwise all clear. I think he’ll be okay.” Andy gestured over Maya’s shoulder with one hand and when Maya looked, she saw Travis sitting in 19’s Aid Car.

With Lieutenant Vargas.

“Uh…since when are those two friends?” Maya asked.

“Friends? Do friends make out in supply closets?”

Maya raised her eyebrows. Her station was so free from relationship drama that it was jarring to think of Vargas as anything other than her skilled right-hand man.

“How’s Carina doing?” Andy asked, changing the topic.

Maya winced. “We made it three days into our two-week vacation before I was called in, so…”

“Yeah. Good luck with that.”

She’d need more than luck. Carina was displeased to say the last, but Maya was fairly confident she could make amends.

“I should get going,” Maya said, though not before setting her hand on Andy’s arm, “It really is good to see you Herrera.”

“You too, Bishop. Say hi to Jamie for me?”

Maya’s smile widened, the thought of her daughter enough to cause instant joy.

“I will,” Maya promised, waving one more time before walking away, eager to join her family.

~*~

As a child, Maya hated road trips. She associated them with a cramped car and her father refusing to stop for food during the long drive to visit family in Oregon.

All the other families brought snacks and treats. They stopped at McDonald’s on the way for fries. Not the Bishop’s.

Lane insisted Maya maintain her standard diet. He also insisted on controlling the radio, the air conditioning, and when a bathroom break was acceptable.

 As an adult, she still hated road trips. She hated to feel cramped in the car, she hated how much they brought back memories of Mason crying in the backseat because he had to pee, but Lane wasn’t prepared to stop for at least another hour.

Which is why it still surprised her that she, Maya Bishop, had willingly purchased a cottage two hours from Seattle that required a long drive each way.

Road trips, like everything else in her life, were different with Carina. Even though two hours could barely be considered a road trip, Carina packed cookies and candy. She brought a cooler filled with sugary soft drinks she knew Maya sometimes craved. There were perfectly curated playlists and stops to take pictures of the mountains and singing.

Jamie especially loved the singing.

When Captain Dale’s brother decided to sell his small lake-front cabin, Maya and Carina had jumped at the chance. They loved Castle Rock, they loved the water and the tress and the memory of how healing it had been for Maya. In the summer they spent as much time at the cottage as they could. In the winter they’d sneak away for a weekend, leaving Jamie with Katherine, and taking advantage of the isolated silence and the cottage’s large fireplace.

As Maya drove closer and closer to her destination, she found herself excited though she was slightly worried about Carina’s mood. Her wife had been understandably angry when Maya left the night before. Angry, but beneath it all, worried. A five alarm was dangerous. A five alarm usually meant that Maya had to go into active fire scenes.

But the fire was out and Maya was nearly home. She just hoped the trunk full of supplies would be enough to brighten Carina’s smile. With one short stop in town to pick up the final items she needed, Maya turned down a long gravel road, the trees thick and lush on either side.

The cabin was a simple log structure that was just big enough for the DeLuca-Bishop family. Maya enjoyed painting it and puttering around with a power drill, fixing loose boards or installing new cupboards for Carina in the kitchen. There was a large deck attached to the back and their own private dock…

It wasn’t Sicily, but it was theirs and that was good enough.

As Maya pulled into the front of the yard, she couldn’t help but laugh as she caught sight of a very familiar little face in the window. The blinds fluttered and before Maya could even undo her seatbelt, a small figure appeared in the doorway, her pigtails flying as she hopped up and down.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

Maya stepped out of the car, bracing as a tiny blur raced towards her. She caught Jamie before the little girl could crash into her legs and picked her up, playfully spinning around much to Jamie’s delight.

“Mommy, did the fire go boom?” Jamie draped one arm across Maya’s shoulders and stared at her with big blue eyes and a toothy smile.

“It did, Baby T-Rex.”

Maya kissed Jamie’s cheek and took a moment to look at her baby. She’d only been gone for twelve hours, but a five-alarm brought with it a certain amount of danger, and Maya was relieved to be home with Jamie in her arms.

She loved the smattering of freckles across Jamie’s nose and shoulders. She loved how the sun had caused natural auburn highlights in Jamie’s hair. She loved the Kermit the frog bandaid on Jamie’s knee and the tiny jean shorts Jamie was wearing and the still so little toes that brushed against her leg.

“Were you good for mama?” Maya asked, setting Jamie down beside her.

Jamie nodded. “Mommy guess what?”

“What?”

“I found una lumaca and he’s my best friend and his name is Theodore but Mama said he can’t sleep with me in my bed.”

Maya’s Italian was fairly good, but she frowned, unfamiliar with the word Jamie used.

“Una lumaca?” She asked.

“A snail, mommy!”

A snail. Maya reviewed what Jamie had so breathlessly said and held in a wince. Because if Jamie found a snail that also meant that Jamie brought a snail inside and likely tried to tuck it into bed…

Maya very much hoped her multiple peace offerings would work.

“Where’s the snail now?” Maya prayed Jamie hadn’t kept her new friend in the house.

“I dunno. Mama said he’s swimming.”

Mama had definitely committed snail homicide apparently…

“Okay, Baby T, that sounds like a very big day,” Maya said, pressing her hand to the top of Jamie’s head. Jamie nodded enthusiastically, though Maya knew they had about one hour left before Jamie’s energy turned into grouchy exhaustion.

“Say, how strong are you, Probie?” Maya playfully squeezed Jamie’s skinny arms, laughing when Jamie flexed.

“Like…like…a big spider!”

“That strong?”

“Uh huh!” Jamie nodded enthusiastically, her braids flying as she moved. They reminded Maya of the brains she used to wear for track. It was a strange feeling.

“Think you can carry something for me?”

Jamie nodded again, taking Maya’s offered hand.

They walked towards the trunk, which Maya opened before handing Jamie the cooler. It was light enough that her almost four-year-old could handle it, plus Jamie liked to help.

With everything.

Maya picked up a small rucksack in one hand, and balanced two pie boxes in the other, and after using her elbow to close the trunk, she followed Jamie inside the house and towards the kitchen.

Carina stood by the sink, her back to Maya, but Maya could tell by the set of her shoulders that she was tense. There was fresh baked bread on the counter and something smelled incredible in the oven, which meant dinner would likely be ready soon.

They wouldn’t be able to talk with Jamie in the room, but Maya wanted a moment to check in. A moment for just the two of them.

She turned towards Jamie, holding in a laugh when she saw her daughter red-faced, dragging the cooler further by the strap attached to its sides.

“Time to wash those hands,” Maya said, as Jamie set the cooler on the floor. The little girl sprinted towards the back of the cabin where the washroom was, which gave Maya and Carina approximately four minutes before she’d make a reappearance.

Maya placed the pies on the table and the rucksack on a nearby chair and then took a risk, going to stand behind Carina.

She wrapped her arms around her, her hands coming to rest on the solid, round baby bump pushing against Carina’s sundress.

“Hey,” Maya whispered, her lips coasting Carina’s shoulder.

“Is it done?”

Is the fire out? Are you safe? Is your team safe? Are you hurt?

“It is. And now I’m all yours.”

“Hmm.” Carina leaned back into Maya’s body, just enough to let Maya know that she was beginning to thaw.

“How’s my little guy?” Maya stroked her thumbs over Carina’s stomach, smiling as she felt a small flutter against her palm.

“Good. Lots of kicking.”

“And how’s my wife?” She took Carina’s elbows, forcing her to turn around so they could face each other.

Carina’s hair was gathered in a messy braid and there was a dusting of flour on her cheek and Maya thought she’d never looked more beautiful.

“Your wife is tired,” Carina said, still clearly annoyed.

“I hear we had a guest. Theodore?”

“Ugh…disgustosa…she put it on her pillow.”

Maya grimaced. “Eeeww.”

“Sì. Eeeww. I had to touch it, Maya. I had to touch it.”

Maya chose not to mention that Carina regularly touched slimy, gross things. Instead, she took Carina’s hand and pulled her closer to the table.

First, she pointed at the pie boxes, clearly from Norma’s diner in town.

“Cherry for you,” Maya said, “apple for Jamie.”

Carina folded her arms across her chest though she was very clearly paying attention, so Maya quickly retrieved the cooler Jamie had left on the floor and unzipped it.

“Gelati and chocolate,” she held open the box, praying the ice packs had done their job because fancy artisanal gelati and chocolate form Carina’s favourite Italian market was a major piece of her I’m sorry plan.

Something shifted in Carina’s expression. Some of the frustration faded.

“And finally, the items you asked for…and one you didn’t,” Maya said, handing Carina the rucksack. Carina stared her down for a second before opening it, her eyebrows shooting up as she did.

“This is very presumptuous of you, Captain Bishop.” Carina’s gaze drifted from the bag to Maya who shrugged in response.

She stepped closer again, setting both hands on Carina’s hips and leaned in, her lips just below Carina’s ear.

“I just thought you could use some pampering. Some special attention,” she whispered, nipping gently at Carina’s neck.

“Are you going to wear it or am I?”

Maya quickly looked over her shoulder confirming they were still alone before dragging one hand up Carina’s sides and across her chest, cupping her breast over thin fabric. They were already fuller, already so sensitive. Carina opened her mouth to speak, but the sound of little feet running towards them put a stop to their heated conversation.

“Mama! I scrubbed in,” Jamie announced, coming to a screeching halt in front of Carina. She held up both arms, bent at the elbows, her still wet hands hovering near her face as droplets of water ran down her wrists and onto the floor.

We left her with Amelia for ten minutes and now she’s scrubbing in? Ten freaking minutes?

“Posso vedere, cucciola.” Carina smiled as she spoke, though it faded when they both heard the soft wheeze from Jamie as she exhaled. Maya and Carina exchanged a knowing glance, words unnecessary as they both sprang into action.

Carina quickly used a towel to dry Jamie’s hands while Maya picked up an inhaler and mask they always kept close by.

“Okay, Dr. DeLuca-Bishop, come here please,” she said, sitting down at the table and patting her lap. Jamie climbed up, scratching at her chest a little, a sure sign that she was experiencing tightness while breathing. She was still too young to articulate exactly what she was feeling, but even as a toddler she’d announce itchy, which was Jamie speak for discomfort.

Once Jamie was settled, Maya shook the inhaler and then placed the mask over Jamie’s mouth.

“You ready?” She asked, only pushing down on the canister when Jamie nodded. “Six big breaths, Baby T, almost done.”

Maya counted, holding the mask to Jamie’s face, ensuring it stayed sealed. They finished quickly, but even after Maya set the mask and inhaler on the table, she kept Jamie in her lap, holding her close.

“You must slow down a little bit, Tesoro,” Carina said, shooting Jamie an affectionate smile.

Jamie tipped her head back to look at Maya with her big blue eyes.

“Un po,” she repeated, raising one hand and bringing her thumb and pointer finger closer together.

“Un po,” Maya agreed.

Despite her early entrance into the world, Jamie was miraculously healthy. She’d hit most of her milestones later than average, though each one felt like a small victory. As predicted, she caught up by the time she was two, and thanks to their bilingual household, her language skills delighted their pediatrician to no end.

Sometimes Maya still looked at the first picture she’d ever taken of Jamie, the picture from the day of her birth.

Three pounds, skin and bones, most of her face hidden by a mask. The tiny protruding rib cage, the wires and sensors and IV lines…

It shattered Maya’s heart and healed it all at the same time. It was a reminder of how far Jamie had come. It was a reminder of her baby’s strength. 

The one lasting effect of her premature arrival was asthma, a concerning diagnosis though not unexpected given the state of her lungs at birth. Jamie was so energetic, she loved swimming and nature and kicking a soccer ball around the yard with Maya. So it was hard to explain to such an active three-year-old that sometimes she needed to be careful. But Maya was proud of how well Jamie was managing. She never complained about taking her medication. And most importantly for Maya, Jamie felt safe and comfortable telling her mom’s when she felt sick or when she was scared.

She knew that when she was hurt, she could tell them.

Unlike Maya who’d been told from age four that only babies cried over skinned knees and Carina who’d dried her little brother’s tears instead of her own, Jamie saw her parents as the people who protected her. Who loved her.

She knew she could wake them up in the middle of the night if her tummy hurt. She knew it was okay to cry if she was feeling sad or if she was tired or if she just needed a good cry.

And Maya was so relieved. Every time Jamie shared her feelings or called for her needing help, Maya knew she was yet another step away from becoming her father.

Jamie had rescued her just as much as she’d rescued Jamie.

With a soft kiss to the top of Jamie head, Maya let her go, content to watch Jamie and Carina in the kitchen. They spoke to each other in rapid Italian, the sound alone enough to lull Maya into total relaxation as the day’s stress melted away. Her back ached from work and her throat hurt from spending hours upon hours barking instructions into her radio.

But she was home with her family and she could lay down her burdens. If only temporarily.

Soon it was time to eat and Jamie helped Maya set the table. Carina and Maya could barely contain their laughter as Jamie regaled them with stories about her day, a non-linear narrative that included everything from brushing her teeth to seeing a cloud shaped like a pickle to dropping a tomato on the floor to finding three whole spiders under the wooden banister outside.

“Mama?” She paused, looking up from her spaghetti.

Carina turned towards Jamie who was sitting at the head of the table. “Sì?”

“Is Theodore still swimming?”

Maya bit her lip, her eyes on Carina who set down her cutlery, giving Jamie her full attention.

“Sì, cucciola,” she said, “he told me he was going all the way to Sicilia.”

Jamie’s eyes widened. “All the way?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Wow!”

“Yeah, Mama, wow,” Maya laughed, biting her lip again when Carina raised her finger in warning.

Her serious expression quickly melted into something softer, and she reached across the table, taking Maya’s hand.

When Maya looked at Carina again, Carina mouthed I love you before returning her focus to Jamie, whose little voice provided the soundtrack for their joy.

~*~

Castle Rock was so quiet compared to Seattle’s constant noise. Even though they’d recently moved to a house in the suburbs far from the traffic of downtown, nothing compared to the silence of a Castle Rock evening.

The only sound was the trees, the constant whispering of leaves and branches in the wind. On some nights, they heard owls or the soft, reassuring ripples of the lake as it hit the shore. But mostly it was just the trees.

Maya loved it. She loved falling asleep knowing she was surrounded by the forest’s sentinels, by ancient, impossible giants that seemed to bend and creak and lean just enough to let the stars peek through their canopy.

Jamie sometimes found the noise scary though, which is why Maya took extra time putting her to bed, making sure her daughter felt safe enough to sleep.

Jamie was tucked into Maya’s side, her little cheek pressed to Maya’s shoulder as she listened to the book she’d chosen for the night. Maya had read it twenty times, but Jamie loved the pictures and the hungry caterpillar and Maya loved Jamie enough to read it three hundred times if that was what she wanted.

As she finished the last page, she closed the book and set it aside, ready to give Jamie one last hug when Jamie surprised her.

“Mommy?”

“Hmm?”

“I didn’t grow in Mama’s tummy like my fratellino, right?”

They’d had the conversation often, but all the books seemed to indicate that being open and honest was the best course of action, so Maya nodded her head, smiling softly as Jamie’s curled one little hand into Maya’s shirt.

“I grew in my first mommy’s tummy,” Jamie said, almost to herself.

“She took good care of you and kept you safe and when she couldn’t anymore, Mama and I found you,” Maya explained, wondering if any of it made sense to Jamie. She hoped it did.

“And my first mommy is in heaven with Zio Andrea and nonna?”

Maya winced, uncomfortable that the concept of “heaven” now existed in Jamie’s world. Not that she didn’t want Jamie to know about Andrew and Lucia, but she wanted to make sure that Jamie didn’t think there was some magical land in the clouds where invisible people lived and watched over her. It was confusing, though Maya was fully ready to admit that she didn’t know the best way to explain the complexities of death to her little girl, nor did she want to. Jamie was so young.

Heaven was a placeholder. And if it helped her make sense of some pretty adult concepts, so be it.

“Sure,” Maya said, wondering where Jamie was going with her questions.

“But my first mommy won’t come take me away.”

Maya nodded again. “That’s right, J.”

“And…and…Mama is still my mama even though I didn’t grow in her tummy?”

Jamie didn’t seem upset, more confused, but Maya’s heart hurt just a little. She knew the pregnancy would be a lot for Jamie to comprehend and they’d tried to help her understand all the changes happening in her life, but she was only three years old.

“Mama is your mama forever. Just like I’m your mommy forever,” Maya said, tucking a strand of hair behind Jamie’s ear.

“Cuz I grew in Mama’s heart instead of her tummy.”

Maya wasn’t sure she loved that interpretation either, but again, if it was helping Jamie conceptualize the situation, she wasn’t going explain why that was anatomically impossible. Besides, the symbolism was fairly accurate.

Jamie had invaded Maya’s heart with astounding speed. She’d taken residence, set up camp, unfurled a flag and laid claim.

Just as Carina had years before. Just as the new baby had the second the pregnancy test came back positive.

Maya pulled Jamie into her lap, wrapping both arms around her.

“I will always be your mommy and you will always be my Jamie, okay?” She said, rocking back and forth just a little.

She felt a small nod against her chest.

“Mommy?”

Maya could hear how sleepy Jamie was, her day spent exploring the yard and terrorizing her mother with slugs enough to steal her energy.

“Yes, Baby T-Rex?”

“Do you know that Mama’s name is Carina?”

Maya bit her lip, holding in her laughter.

“I did know that,” she said, looking up just in time to see Carina lean against the doorframe. Unlike earlier in the evening, she looked relaxed, happy, and Maya was relieved she was no longer dealing with an upset wife.

“Where is my piccola?” Carina asked, stepping further into the room.

Jamie raised her head and extended her arms towards Carina, yawning as she did. It took a moment to adjust, but soon Carina was lying on the bed with Jamie held against her chest and Maya was standing in the door, looking at her family.

“Goodnight, baby,” Maya whispered, “I love you.”

“Ti voglio bene, Mommy” came the quiet response, all thoughts of scary trees and hungry caterpillars obviously long forgotten in the comfort of Carina’s arms.

Maya took one last look, one last second to memorize the image of Jamie sleeping against Carina, of her little body almost curled around the baby bump.

She wasn’t a believer. She never had been. But she knew without a doubt that heaven existed right in front of her.

~*~

Maya sat on the edge of the bed, half-dressed, listening to the trees.

She’d quickly locked up the cabin, moved some of Jamie’s toys off the floor, but as she stripped down for the night, she’d found herself distracted by the cool breeze coming in through the bedroom window. It felt so good against her skin and the trees were so loud…

She tipped her head back, eyes closed, breathing in the clean air. It was such a marked change from the smoke and ash of the past twelve hours. Despite the showers and the soap and the shampoo, Maya could swear that she still smelled the fire on her skin. But now all she could smell was the night sky and the lake.

“I missed you last night.”

Maya cracked an eye open only to find Carina standing in front of her. She closed the door and set down a baby monitor, which surprised Maya just a little. They hadn’t used one for a long time, but Maya very quickly understood why Carina brought it with her. Judging by the short, silky robe Carina had on, she wanted privacy. The monitor would warn them if they were about to be interrupted.

Amongst the tartan pattern quilts and wood beams of the cabin, Carina’s attire looked out of place. The silk was impossibly soft against Maya’s fingertips. It felt expensive. Maya was growing increasingly curious about what she’d find underneath.

“I missed you too,” Maya said, looking up into Carina’s eyes.

She’d spent the night surrounded by flames though it was not the heat she craved now.

“I needed you, Maya.”

Maya stood, her hands never leaving Carina’s hips.

“You have me now,” she whispered, leaning in for a kiss. Carina surprised her by taking her face in her hands and stopping her.

“But I needed you last night.”

“Carina…”

The hands on Maya’s face drifted down, moving to unhook her bra and harshly pull it off. She did the same to Maya’s panties, and Maya decided to stay very still, wondering what her wife would do next.

“Did you go inside the fire?” Carina asked, the question unexpected.

Maya nodded, but did not offer further explanation. Carina could see for herself that she was uninjured, that she was fine.

They were at an odd standstill with each other, standing so close that Carina’s baby bump lightly pressed against Maya’s stomach. But this was the spark between them, the constant give-and-take that was their sex life. Maya often pictured it as an infinite arm wrestling match. She’d push and Carina would pull and it was endlessly exhilarating.

And addictive.

Maya was as hungry for Carina as she had been all those years ago on the morning after Pru’s birth.

Hungrier.

More needy too. Because while it seemed like she knew every single side of Carina, the shape of her, Carina continuously surprised her. And she continuously surprised Carina.

Pregnancy had changed Carina’s body. She was fuller, the sharp angles softened. Maya was no less enthralled. She dedicated herself to studying Carina’s new form, she watched her wife’s metamorphosis, riveted. Memorizing each new curve. Each new mark.

The silk robe was driving her to distraction, it was making her hands itch. She just wanted what was underneath so badly, but she sensed that Carina wasn’t quite ready to show her. Maya’s patience was growing thin.

“I want you,” she husked, stroking her thumbs against Carina’s hip bones.

“Did you want me last night?”

Push

“I always want you.”

Pull

Carina raised one finger, her lips lifting in a smirk. “Then there is nothing special about tonight, no?”

Push

Maya decided to take a risk. She brought both hands to the knot on Carina’s robe and untangled it, swallowing hard when the fabric fell open. She pressed her palm to Carina’s tummy, the warm, solid curve like a miracle against her skin.

She knew she was being ridiculous, but the sight of Carina made Maya understand why ancient civilizations worshipped carvings of pregnant goddesses. She could understand the impulse to find the divine in the swollen body standing before her. Because it was Carina’s body. And Carina was carrying their baby, her muscle and bone adapting to provide him shelter and safety.

Maya never expected herself to be so overwhelmed by it all. Or so turned on.

She dragged her hand up, thumbing one nipple, holding in her own moan when Carina exhaled in a harsh gasp.

“Do you know how perfect you are?” Maya said, almost to herself, unable to tear her eyes from Carina’s chest, from her hands cupping Carina’s breasts, squeezing, knowing how sensitive she was, how much she liked the pressure.

Sharp fingers found their way into Maya’s hair and tugged, forcing her head back. Carina’s other hand was suddenly between Maya’s legs, stroking, teasing enough that Maya squirmed, her grip on Carina loosening.

Carina circled Maya’s clit, her eyes dark as she watched Maya’s face, as she kept her hold of Maya’s head, as she forced Maya to stand and take it.

“Carina…” Maya breathed, panting as Carina rubbed her.

“I needed you last night.”

The words were not soft, they did not contain any longing. There was anger there, arrogance. Maya clenched and then moaned when Carina slid two fingers inside, pushing them deep, the base of her thumb hard against Maya’s clit.

Carina thrust, curling her fingers as she did, timing her movements while pulling Maya’s hair just enough to cause a little pain. Maya’s knees felt weak, but she stayed upright, wishing she could tip her head down and watch. She wanted to see Carina fuck her, she wanted to see Carina’s fingers disappear inside, taking her.

She widened her stance, forcing Carina even deeper, biting her lip to keep in the strangled cry trying so desperately to break free. Something coiled low in her belly, unexpected and fast, she was almost embarrassed by how fast, but Carina had a way of doing that. Of bringing her to the edge before she was even aware that the edge was approaching at all.

Maya tried to thrust her hips, she tried for more contact, she felt like she was going to fall over, she wished she could push Carina to the ground and ride her fingers, ride her, she wanted…

Without warning, Carina pulled her hand away leaving Maya feeling so empty that she felt like she could cry.

She nearly keeled forward, still trying to chase the orgasm so cruelly taken from her, but Carina shook her head, dragging wet fingers across Maya’s lips. She pushed them inside Maya’s mouth, hard enough that Maya almost gagged, but Carina knew Maya’s limits, she knew the delicate balance between pleasure and pain.

“Now you are swollen for me, Bambina,” Carina whispered, moving her fingers and replacing them with her lips. She licked Maya’s mouth, sucking on her bottom lip before fully stepping away. Maya shivered at the sudden loss of her warmth though she did not need to wait long for Carina to surprise her again.

She watched her wife toss her robe on the floor and climb on the bed. With her back to Maya, she pushed herself up on her knees, one hand holding onto the headboard.

Wordlessly, she pointed at the rucksack she’d left on a chair in the corner of the room. Maya understood her loud and clear.

She kept her eyes on Carina as she stepped into the harness and adjusted the dildo in front. Carina was right, she was swollen, and the base of the dildo was providing just enough friction that once she started moving, would feel beyond good. Maya was aching for release, but she was aching for Carina more.

Carina didn’t move. She silently watched Maya, nodding as Maya opened the bedside table and found their lube. Maya spread it generously, knowing Carina was likely wet, but wanting to make sure that every second felt good for her wife.

She climbed up behind Carina, pressing her front to Carina’s back, letting her hands wander Carina’s body, up her ribs, over her breasts again, hard nipples pressing into her palms. She brushed her own nipples against Carina’s skin, shivering when Carina sighed.

“Lean forward,” Maya said, gently pushing on Carina’s shoulder. With both hands on the headboard, Carina managed to steady herself, providing the perfect angle for Maya to stroke her fingers over her shoulders, her ass, her spine…

She found Carina ready, slick and hot, her legs already shaking in anticipation though Maya did not make her wait. Carina turned her face and bit down on her own bicep as Maya pushed in, slow and careful, wanting to give Carina time to adjust.

With a shaky inhale, Carina nodded, looking over shoulder with eyes that looked black in the dark room.

Maya thrust and paused, waiting again, until she heard a low growl from Carina, until she was sure Carina wanted more, and then she rolled her hips and got to work. She set a hard pace, relentless, guided by Carina’s muffled cries. With both hands on Carina’s hips she held on tight, keeping a steady rhythm, thrusting in and out, in and out.

She’d been so close before that now the dildo brushed against her swollen heat with every move, making it hard to concentrate, making her jerk her hips, searching for more friction while fucking Carina, while watching Carina’s shaking arms and white knuckles.

“Wait…” Carina breathed, squirming until Maya stopped.

Carina took another deep breath and licked her lips, looking over her shoulder again.

“Lie down,” she said, already turning as Maya adjusted herself on the bed, her back hitting the mattress hard as Carina loomed over her.

For a pregnant woman, Carina moved fast, mounting Maya, one knee on either side of Maya’s hips, and the vision of her lowering herself onto Maya’s cock made silence impossible.

Maya called out, she tried not to, but the visual, watching Carina push herself up on her knees, the feel of Carina’s hands on her breasts, squeezing, the sweat gathering across Carina’s chest as she bounced up and down…

Carina rolled her hips, forcing the cock and harness to hit Maya just right too, and what had started earlier was quickly becoming a very loud need. Still, Maya wanted Carina to finish, so she released her hips and cupped her breasts, pinching Carina’s nipples in a way that had Carina panting, gasping for air.

Maya planted both feet on the bed and pushed up, going so deep that Carina’s eyes fluttered shut, her mouth open in surprise at the new angle. Maya did it again, thrusting up as Carina pushed down, only this time Carina leaned forward, forcing the base of the cock to push against Maya’s body.

“Fuck,” Maya gasped, desperately trying to hold on, “Carina I…I’m…fuck…”

Carina got there first. Her thrusts became so fast, so ragged, so disjointed that when she came Maya could swear she felt it, she felt it against her body, and then she was following Carina into the light, through the surge, her muscles fluttering over and over, her movements slowed as Carina’s own muscles clenched around Maya’s cock, making it almost impossible to thrust anymore.

Maya found herself spread eagle, her limbs stretched around her, breathing so heavily that her chest hurt. She was pinned to the bed, Carina heavy on top of her, also panting, also gasping for air, her hand warm against Maya’s shoulder where she flexed her fingers, as if she could hold onto Maya’s skin, as if she could hold onto Maya forever.

“Are you okay?” Maya asked, though she already knew the answer. Sometimes it was hard to accept that Carina wasn’t fragile. That her pregnancy hadn’t made her delicate.

Maya understood the anatomy, logically she knew the baby was safe, but seeing Carina so out of breath pinged concern in her head. It disappeared seconds later when Carina nodded and then crawled off Maya’s body, settling on her side. Maya slipped out of the harness and spooned Carina from behind, wanting to feel her body, wanting to support her in the afterglow.

She tickled patterns against Carina’s belly, waiting for Carina to catch her breath. There was a content sigh as Carina regained awareness, her movements languid as she stretched and then turned onto her back, revealing a soft smile and softer eyes.

“Ti amo, cuore mio,” she whispered, tracing the line of Maya’s cheekbone with her fingertips.

Maya pressed herself to Carina’s side, propping her head up with one hand so she could gaze down at her wife and take in her perfect face.

“I love you too, Babe. I really am sorry about yesterday.”

Carina shook her head, lifting herself just enough to kiss Maya, just enough to let her know that all was forgiven and forgotten now that they were together again. When Carina settled again, Maya hitched one leg over her thigh, enjoying what felt like a stolen moment. They were both aware that Jamie could need them any second, but the chance to be naked together, to take their time with each other was rare and they both wanted it to last longer.

“I saw Andy today,” Maya said, shifting so she could kiss Carina’s belly. She felt fingers in her hair again and smiled, her own hand stroking the curve of the baby bump.

“Was she nice to you?”

The question made it sound like Maya and Andy were at summer camp together and Andy was the resident mean girl.

Maya smirked. “She was. She asked about you and Jamie.”

“Hmm.”

“Did you know Vargas is apparently dating Travis?”

“Of course, you didn’t?”

Maya looked up, finding Carina with a furrowed brow.

“Does everyone know but me?” Maya asked, which made Carina laugh softly.

They quieted as Maya went back to kissing the baby bump beneath her hands, dragging her lips against the cool skin. It was such a different experience than the way Jamie had come into the world. Each ultrasound appointment left Maya near speechless in wonder as she watched her son grow and change.

She wondered about Jamie’s birth mother sometimes. If she’d gone to doctor’s appointments, if she’d had ultrasounds and taken vitamins.

Maya watched as Carina grew their baby, as she took care of her body and ate right and did everything in her power to keep their son healthy and safe. They didn’t know if Jamie had been cared for in the same way. For twenty-nine weeks, Jamie existed in the world without them. Maya could only hope Jamie’s mother had loved her as much as she could. She liked to believe that she did.

“Hi baby boy,” Maya whispered, rubbing her nose against Carina’s tummy, “are you sleeping? I missed you today.”

The hand in her hair scratched lightly. Maya felt like she was drowning in comfort.

She stretched out on her side, enthralled by the feel of Carina’s belly pushing against her. It felt like they shared a body, like she was holding their son too.

“I think we need to speak with Dr. Khadem again,” Carina said, a small frown on her face. Maya pushed herself up on one elbow, worry setting in.

“Did something happen today?”

Carina looked troubled. “We stopped by the station to pick up the extra lifejacket from Donna and there was a new probie. Jamie hid behind me the entire time, she wouldn’t say hello. And then I had to step out for a minute – Meredith needed something – and…Donna said Jamie was fine at first, but when I came to get her, she was crying. It was no more than five minutes.”

Jamie’s social and separation anxiety was something they worked on daily. Their child psychiatrist suggested exposure therapy – introducing Jamie to new people and places slowly, but consistently. They were also working on leaving Jamie for longer periods of time too, not because they wanted to be away from her, but because she was prone to crying when separated from them unless she was familiar with her environment.

She loved sleeping over at Katherine’s house, though by morning she’d start asking for her mothers, becoming increasingly insistent until Katherine would FaceTime or try to distract her. Daycare was okay too, mostly because Jamie understood that Carina was still in the building. But in new places with new people? Jamie struggled.

“Okay, we can call tomorrow,” Maya said, wishing she could take away Carina’s worry even though she felt it too.

“She’s so wonderful, Bambina. So smart and curious. And we have time before she starts school, I know, I just…I don’t want her to be afraid of people. I don’t want her to be afraid we’re not coming back. Before Jamie, I never understood why people coddle their children so much? But now I see her and she is still so small, Maya…”

Carina had subconsciously started rubbing her tummy as she spoke and Maya reached down, laying her hand on top of Carina’s, brushing her thumb over Carina’s knuckles.

“I know,” she said, “we’ll keep working with her. And we’ll talk to Dr. Khadem. She’s going to be okay, Babe. More than okay.”

“She’s like a miracle, Maya. Everyone says that about their children, but she’s our miracle,” Carina sniffled and then rolled her eyes, laughing at her hormonal reaction.

“Brilliant like her Mama,” Maya said, kissing Carina’s shoulder, “and beautiful like her mama too.”

“I may have promised her a full day with you tomorrow.”

“Oh?” Maya smiled, curious about whatever deal Carina had struck with their daughter.

“She was very displeased with me when I said we could not go hiking at six in the morning,” Carina explained.

“Why not? Six in the morning is the best time for hiking.”

“And then wanted to race me into the lake…”

“Oh, she’d win, I can see why you’d skip that.”

“Stupida,” Carina warned, turning her body towards Maya.

“So I take it I’m going hiking at six in the morning and then spending the rest of the day swimming laps?” Maya didn’t think it sounded like a bad day at all. It sounded like the best day.

“Sì. Just maybe not so much throwing this time.”

Tossing Jamie in the lake like she was a human football was one of Maya’s favourite past times, but she decided to keep that to herself.

“And what are you going to do while I entertain our baby all day?” Maya asked.

Carina curved her hand over Maya’s ass, squeezing playfully. “I’m going to grow your other baby.”

Any clever comment died on her lips as Maya was filled with nearly overpowering love for the woman lying next to her. It was a sensation she’d never experienced before Carina. A sensation so foreign that the first time it happened, she’d nearly felt sick. She could still remember standing in her office, her scalp still throbbing from Lane’s harsh pull, the quick succession of thoughts:

He hurt me

He abused me

Carina was right

Carina is gone

She was right and I…

Carina is gone and I love her

I hurt her

I destroyed her

I love her

I destroyed us

I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her

She’d picked up the scissors and marched towards the stairs without a second thought.

And now she was lying next to her wife. Her pregnant wife. She was about to be a mother of two. Her daughter was asleep down the hallway, perfect and healthy. Her son was sleeping too, safe and precious.

Maya curled her arm around Carina, knowing they needed to get up, but unwilling to let her go quite yet. Because the mantra was back. So loud. Deafening.

I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her

Carina leaned forward and kissed her.

Because she heard it too.

Maya could tell. From the look in Carina’s eyes to her heart beat that Maya could feel against her own chest.

I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her