22. Chapter 22

Carina was used to her ghosts.

She lived with them daily. They whispered in her ears or squeezed her heart or appeared out of the corner of her eye.

Their names were Andrea.

Nonna

Mama

And for the most part, they were comforting. Carina lived in the present, she sought light and joy over darkness. She tried to take happiness from her ghosts – from the memory of her Nonna’s hands or Andrea’s laughter or her mama’s…

She tried. She really did.

But Nancy’s questions had stirred something within. It was like an forgotten scar had suddenly torn open, something Carina thought well healed.

As she watched Jamie sleep, an old pain flared, a pain in the shape of her mother.

Lucia died when Carina was twenty-three. But Carina had lost her far earlier. When Carina was sixteen, Lucia had packed her things and taken Andrea and left. Carina had told her mother to go, but it did not lessen the sting, it did not take away the hurt she felt deep down.

Because maybe a part of her had really believed that Lucia would stay. That Lucia would choose her.

Carina had seen many people die. She’d worked in hospitals since medical school, she’d called time of death on numerous patients and she’d delivered stillborn babies.

But watching Lucia die…

Carina shivered, wishing she could forget. Wishing she could not picture that day, or the bedspread, or how frail her mother felt as Carina lay beside her, how frail and how cold. She wished she could forget the sound of Andrea walking in the door, his screams…

She wished she could forget how as soon as Andrea arrived, she’d had to let go of her mother, she’d had to be strong. She wished she could have been the child.

She wished for one last moment…

Carina had long ago taught herself to self-sooth. No one else would do it for her, so she filled her world with beauty – good food, good friends, skilled lovers, fine clothes, and expensive cars. She wasn’t a materialist, she just chose to focus on pleasure. But sometimes she still forgot that she didn’t need to self-sooth anymore. She didn’t need to do anything alone.

It was a hard habit to break.

Carina walked out of her bedroom, baby monitor in hand, and joined Maya on the couch in front of the fireplace. She lay down, her head in Maya’s lap, and willed herself to soak in her wife’s strength, her love. Maya’s fingers threaded through Carina’s hair, stroking it back from her forehead, and Carina tried to replace the thought of her mother’s still, cold body with the feeling of Maya’s warmth.

“Do you think it went okay today?” Maya asked, taking Carina’s hand.

Carina nodded. “I made Nancy cry.”

“Same.”

“Did you say something romantic?” Carina watched Maya blush and held back a delighted giggle.

“I never want to talk about my childhood again,” Maya said, quickly changing the topic.

Carina reached up, stroking her fingers down Maya’s cheek.

“I liked the part where I got to talk about you.” Carina found herself looking up into soft, blue eyes, eyes that so clearly loved her.

“Oh? You talked about me? I didn’t say anything about you.”

Carina moved her hand, pointing her finger at Maya. “Hey!”

The hand in her hair scratched lightly at her scalp. Carina’s eyes fluttered. Maya was about to respond when the baby monitor flared to life, pulling their attention. They watched Jamie on the small screen, both wondering if she was about to start crying, but instead she huffed softly and stayed asleep.

“She sleeps like you,” Maya laughed, bringing Carina’s hand to her lips.

“Hmmm. I did not sleep like that when I was little.”

“No?”

Carina wondered what it was about the day that evoked so many memories. Nancy had apparently kicked open a long-forgotten box that Carina wished desperately had remained hidden away.

But Maya was holding her, and she was far from the sadness that clung to her childhood.

“I used to try and stay up so late because after I went to bed, my parents would start fighting. It was always worse after Andrea and I went to sleep. Like they waited all day and stored it up and then boom! They would yell and yell, so I thought if I didn’t go to sleep, they wouldn’t yell anymore and Andrea wouldn’t be scared,” Carina said, keeping her focus on Maya.

Maya frowned and stroked her thumb across Carina’s forehead.

“That’s terrible,” she said.

“Hhmmm. Today made me remember lots of things. Things I maybe wish I could forget.”

Maya slipper her arm behind Carina’s shoulders encouraging to sit up. They adjusted, though Carina was sad to leave the comfort of Maya’s lap.

“Come here,” Maya whispered, taking Carina’s face in her hands. She kissed her, barely a brush of lips against lips, but Carina leaned in greedily.

“I never want that to be us,” Carina said between kissing Maya, voicing her fears.

“It won’t be.”

“Maya…”

A harsh mouth silenced her, teeth nibbling on her bottom lip. Carina was breathless and needy, and Maya’s tongue teased her, licking inside, claiming her.

Carina slipped her hand up Maya’s hoodie, frustrated to find a tight sports bra keeping her from what she truly wanted. Maya sighed nonetheless and they both luxuriated in how good it felt to be so close.

“Can I touch you first?” Carina husked in Maya’s ear, already pulling at the bottom of her shirt, “I need to feel you, Bambina.”

She felt the smallest nod and then Maya sat back, yanking her hoodie off and tossing it on the floor. Carina insisted on the bra too and when she had Maya naked from the waist up, she forced her down onto the couch. Carina settled on her side, managing in the narrow space, as she draped herself over Maya.

They’d barely touched since bringing Jamie home. Neither was upset about it, both were overjoyed by the reason for their lack of intimacy. But as Carina rubbed her thumb in circles over Maya’s nipple, the need became unbearable.

Maya arched, bringing her thigh up between Carina’s legs. It made Carina feel lightheaded, she couldn’t stop herself before grinding down, her jeans creating much needed friction. Maya’s hands were inside her shirt, squeezing her breast, though Carina could tell that Maya was quickly growing frustrated by the angle.

Carina decided to be helpful, pausing only enough to remove her t-shirt and bra before settling back down, her breasts pressed against Maya’s.

“Fuck…” Maya gasped, trying to stay as quiet as possible, though the blush rising up her throat was enough indication that silence was not an easy task. Carina kissed her again, licking into her mouth, sliding her tongue against Maya’s in wet abandon.

Time was against them. Jamie could wake up any second, they both knew it. There was no time for anything slow and sweet. Carina unzipped Maya’s jeans and forced her hand inside, moaning at the feeling of Maya against her fingertips.

“Così calda,” she said to herself, rubbing Maya in quick circles, wishing she could take her time, wishing she could taste her.

Maya’s mouth fell open, she breathed in short, hard pants, grabbing hold of Carina’s elbow and shoulder in some attempt to anchor herself. Carina felt teeth against her shoulder, the sharp pain urging her on. She wanted to watch Maya’s face, she wanted to see her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth open and the way she smiled when she was close…

The smile appeared when Carina leaned back just enough to brush their breasts together again. Carina dipped her fingers lower, gathering moisture, stifling a moan at how slippery everything felt, at how slippery Maya’s clit was as Carina rubbed her harder and harder.

Her wrist hurt and her forearm burned, but Maya was so beautiful as she came undone, she was so expressive and even though she was trying to be quiet, Carina heard every ounce of her pleasure in the way her hips lifted from the couch, in the way her fingers pinched against Carina’s skin. She came with a silent scream, the air escaping her lungs in a desperate exhale. Carina licked a path from Maya’s collarbone up her throat and then pressed her mouth to Maya’s, swallowing whatever cry she was trying to hold in.

When Maya opened her eyes again, the smile remained, a tired, satiated smile, and Carina reluctantly pulled her hand away, bringing her fingers to her lips, needing a taste. Maya watched with hazy eyes and then wrapped one hand around the back of Carina’s head, forcing her down into a kiss.

“Take off your pants,” Maya’s voice was rough, but she spoke clearly in Carina’s ear.

The urgency between them remained. Carina didn’t argue with her wife’s demands, instead she stood up and shimmied out of her jeans. Maya moved quickly too, taking hold of Carina’s wrists and pulling her back down onto the couch. As Carina settled, Maya quickly moved, perching on her knees between Carina’s legs.

She leaned forward, using the flat of her tongue to lick Carina over her panties. The sudden damp warmth made Carina hum.

Using one finger, Maya pulled the thin material covering Carina’s centre to the side, exposing her, and the cool air and Maya’s proximity had Carina already squirming. She closed her lips around Carina’s clit and sucked, thrashing her tongue against the swollen bud, creating an impossible combination of suction and light, wet touches that had Carina desperately reaching for a pillow to muffle her cries.

She could tell Maya was wasting no time. There was no teasing. No playing. Her orgasm was building quickly, embarrassingly quickly, but Carina didn’t care. She kept one hand in Maya’s hair, urging her forward, overwhelmed by Maya’s unrelenting, rhythmic movements. When they stopped suddenly, Carina’s eyes snapped open, confused, until she felt Maya fingers on her clit while her mouth moved lower.

Carina instantly understood what Maya wanted. She instantly understood why Maya’s tongue licked its way inside, and when she released she came in Maya’s mouth, just as Maya wanted,  the thought alone sending Carina into euphoric bliss. Her hips rolled as she rode out her orgasm, over and over against Maya’s face, until she finally stilled, gasping for breath while staring up at the ceiling.

“I wish we had more time,” Maya said, her hands trailing over Carina’s stomach, her breasts, her arms in comforting, familiar touches.

“Mmm. I do too.”

Maya kissed her one more time, her lips sticky from Carina’s release. It was decadent and beautiful and Carina never wanted it to end.

Jamie apparently had a different opinion.

Sudden cries from the baby monitor tore them apart, and Maya stood first, shooting Carina an apologetic glance.

“I’ll go,” Carina said, managing to rise from the couch on slightly shaking legs. She wanted Maya to see to the fire and lock up, but not before one final hug. They pressed their bodies together, Carina indulging in Maya’s soft curves and defined back muscles. But Jamie was getting louder and Carina couldn’t stay away another moment.

She quickly washed her hands and face in the bathroom, before going to check on Jamie, expecting to find a dirty diaper or a onesie covered in spit up. Instead, Jamie stared up at her with sad eyes, and Carina’s heart ached in her chest.

“What’s wrong, Picollina?” She asked, scooping Jamie out of her bassinette. Carina was reminded of their skin-on-skin moments in the NICU, though this time it was Carina who was only in her underwear while Jamie was sporting a very fashionable Seattle Seahawks onesie.

Maya appeared then, dipping into the bathroom too, the sound of the sink loud in their otherwise quiet room. Carina took the moment to sit down on the bed, her back to the headboard.

“She okay?” Maya asked, returning in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. Carina immediately missed the less-dressed version of her wife.

“I think she just wanted to say hello,” Carina said, patting Jamie’s back. Jamie turned to face Maya, her cheek pressed to Carina’s chest.

“Jamie, I just needed mama for a few minutes. Just a few. Remember we need to share?”

Maya slipped under the covers and then reached up to boop Jamie’s nose.

“She loves your voice,” Carina whispered, fascinated by the sight of Jamie’s pale little hand against her tanned skin.

Maya smiled a little sadly. “I wish we could sign the papers right now. I hate this waiting.”

“Me too.”

“Only two more home visits and a few more months,” Maya said, wistful, though Carina could hear the worry underneath.

Carina shivered, whether from their cool bedroom or from her own worries she couldn’t say. Maya noticed though and immediately crawled behind her on the bed. She wrapped her arms around Carina’s middle, helping her hold Jamie, and as Carina lay back against Maya’s chest, she realized that her ghosts were quiet.

She’d spent all day outrunning them, all day trying to pretend that they weren’t there just out of sight. But in Maya’s arms they were vanquished, silenced by her strength and her protection.

~*~

The apartment was still dark as Maya quietly readied for her day, but the gloom reflected her mood.

There was a time when a twenty-four-hour shift excited her. When the prospect of a firegasm was enough to pull her from bed and rush to the station, eager for whatever lay ahead. She still loved her job. She still loved a firegasm.

But she also loved seeing her baby in the morning and putting her to bed at night. And for the first time in two weeks, Maya would miss it all.

She grumbled to herself as she slicked back her hair in the mirror, gathering it in a beige elastic. Quickly checking her weather app, she tiptoed to the closet, careful not to wake Carina who had been up late with Jamie. Their bedroom was a disaster zone of clothes strewn on the floor and spit-up covered onesies.

Maya slipped into her jeans, but struggled to find a clean shirt, trying to remember the last time they had done laundry. It was so unlike her, it was also so unlike the careful schedule she’d written down in her Jamie clipboard. The schedule fell by the wayside as soon as Jamie came home and Maya realized that planning every inch of a newborn’s life was a fool’s errand.

Jamie pooped when she wanted. She cried when she wanted. She slept when she wanted. She spit-up when she wanted.

And Maya was enthralled with every single moment.

The only clean shirt she could find that was still neatly folded was one of Carina’ Team Italia t-shirts, but Maya had no other choice and she hoped Carina wouldn’t mind. It fit a little snug in the chest, but it also smelled like Carina’s shampoo so Maya wasn’t about to complain.

She circled the bed, knowing that she had to leave, but wanting one last look at Jamie to tide her over for what already felt like a dauntingly long shift.

Maya was surprised to find Jamie awake in her bassinette, quietly lying on her back. She’d awoken in the middle of the night crying, apparently uncomfortable in her PJs, so Carina had left her in just her diaper, and it reminded Maya of all the NICU visits, all those weeks where Jamie had been a mostly naked baby covered in tubes and wires.

The tubes and wires were gone and other than a tiny scar on her side, Jamie appeared to be a healthy baby. She was still small for her age, looking to all the world like a newborn instead of a three-month-old, but Maya knew how much progress Jamie made every day.

Maya stroked Jamie’s hair, finding it a little sweaty from sleep.

“Bambina you will be careful?”

Carina’s voice was barely a whisper as she rolled onto her side, facing Jamie’s bassinette. Maya took the opportunity to sit down on the edge of the bed.

“FaceTime later?” Maya blushed in the dark room, embarrassed to be so needy, but Carina only nodded.

“We will miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too. You sure you’re okay?”

Carina was the most capable person Maya knew and she was a natural with Jamie. But two sets of hands was different than only one and they’d spent the past two weeks perfecting a rhythm between them.

“Mmm. Sì. What about you?” Carina’s hand snuck up the back of Maya’s shirt.

The familiar touch almost made Maya want to crawl back into bed, but instead she gently set her hand on Carina’s hip and helped her roll onto her back again. Carina’s crop top left so much perfect skin on display and if Maya was going to be gone for twenty-four hours, she wanted one last taste. Leaning down, she kissed the skin just above Carina’s navel, knowing Carina found it ticklish.

“Maya…” Carina warned, humming a little when Maya dragged her lips over her tummy.

“I have to go,” Maya whispered, pressing one last kiss against Carina’s side before sitting up. She reached into the bassinette for Jamie, lifting her with practiced ease.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Baby T-Rex,” Maya said, kissing Jamie’s forehead. Carina sat up and took Jamie from Maya’s hands before settling her against her chest.

Maya looked back once on her way into the kitchen. She paused in the doorway, catching Carina’s soft smile, watching how gently Carina cradled Jamie against her.

My entire world is in that bed…

She still loved a firegasm. She still loved the adrenaline rush. She still loved the strategy and complexity of her work.

But she also loved coming home. Maya who had grown up around an unsafe dinner table, who had shunned the very concept of domesticity because she thought it came with violence and despair, now craved her family more than anything else.

Carina blew her a kiss, a kiss that Maya kept with her as she gathered her things and set out for Station 19.

~*~

The door to the captain’s office was closed as Maya walked into work. She was partially relieved because a confrontation with Andy so early in the morning would only make the rest of the day more difficult. Leaving Jamie for the first time already had her on edge – she just wanted to ease back into work without the extra stress of Andy-related drama.

The smell of bacon wafted down the stairs and Maya eagerly followed it, trying to shift her focus from missing Jamie to whatever the day had in store for her. She took the steps two at a time, popping her head into the Beanery before heading to the lockers, expecting Travis or Warren behind the stove.

Instead, the entire team was sitting at the table and when she walked in, they all turned to look at her. Even Vic looked serious.

“Uh…everything okay?” Maya asked, pausing, unsure what exactly was going on.

“We all got subpoenaed last night,” Jack said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Oh. I…uh…”

“We were also contacted by social services about being character witnesses for the adoption,” Warren said, the smile on his face doing much to relieve Maya’s worry.

“Sorry,” she started, “I really didn’t think that would happen all at once. I…”

“Mine is pretty much written.” Vic shrugged, leaning back in her chair.

Warren laughed, nodding. “Miranda is basically writing a novel. I think she called Carina the most gifted OB in the western hemisphere.”

“Well, that’s true,” Maya said, unable to keep the proud grin from her face.

Theo was smiling too though he looked somewhat bashful as he spoke.

“I know I don’t know you guys as well, but Carina helped my mom through a cancer scare. Went to her house and everything and explained all the test results. Anything you guys need? You’ve got it,” he said, earning him a goofy stare from Vic.

Maya didn’t always feel like she was a good person, like she was a person deserving of love. But Carina was the best person and her good deeds and kindness were paying off. Maya pressed her hand to her chest, unsure what to say. Unsure how to express thanks in any way that conveyed how truly grateful she was.

Because despite the turmoil she was causing with the investigation, her team wanted to help her family. They wanted to support her and Carina.

They wanted to support Jamie.

Maya didn’t even know how to respond.

Jack stood, crossing the room and pat Maya on the shoulder.

“You’ve had my back more times than I can count,” he said, “I know we have a complicated history. I know me and Carina haven’t always been on good terms. But I’m in your corner, Maya. For the adoption. For the hearing. Like Theo said, you’ve got me.”

Maya blinked and then looked up at Jack’s face.

“Jack…I…I’m going to hug you know…don’t make this weird,” she said, wrapping her arms loosely around his shoulders.

He awkwardly hugged her back and then they broke apart, both trying not to laugh. The hug seemed to break whatever tension was left in the room and soon A-Squad was busy fighting over breakfast. Maya stepped into the locker room and quickly changed into her uniform, eyeing the picture of Carina and Jamie before she closed the door.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket as she was leaving, and she swiped her thumb across the screen, opening a text from Carina.

It was a picture of Jamie still in just her diaper, staring back at the camera with a drooly smile. Maya felt herself melt, especially when she read Carina’s caption.

Carina: Buongiorno, Mommy!

Maya held the phone close to her chest, letting herself feel all the happiness she could, gathering strength from Carina’s love and Jamie’s button nose and the promise of future good morning kisses.

~*~

It was hard not to grimace as the hot spray hit her body.

Maya grit her teeth and looked over her shoulder, frowning at the large bruise forming on her ass. Of all places.

Carina was going to be displeased.

The shower washed away the scent of smoke and ash, but the bruise couldn’t be erased with clean water and soap. Falling through a skylight was not the best moment of her life, but there’d been a strange exhilaration too as she’d rappelled into an inferno.

She wasn’t going to tell Carina about that part.

She’d focus on the seven-year-old she’d carried through the flames. Although she wouldn’t say flames, she’d say small kitchen fire and Carina would point her finger and groan and shake her head, displeased.

Thinking about Carina made Maya sigh. It was dinner time and she wondered if Jamie was having her bottle. Carina had sent a few texts during the day giving updates about tummy time and naps. But it wasn’t the same.

Maya knew she’d eventually ease into being back at work, that while she’d still miss her little family, it wouldn’t sting quite so much. But the prospect of the lonely night ahead made her chest hurt. She turned off the tap, trying to cheer herself with thoughts of dinner because Travis’ mom had brought them bulgogi and soup, which was way better than the broiled hot dogs Jack tried to feed them every Monday.

She towel dried her hair, running a comb through it, before leaving the bathroom and heading into the bunkroom where she changed back into her uniform and re-did her ponytail. The sound of laughter from the Beanery was a good reminder that Station 19 could be a happy place too.

A welcoming place.

Despite everything that had happened, Maya knew she was part of the team, she had a place at the dinner table. Jack’s kindness and Vic’s humour and Warren’s support made her feel less alone. It was nice to feel something other than anger, it was nice to be with her friends again.

When the laughter turned into a cheer, Maya furrowed her eyebrows, confused, and quickly made her way to the Beanery, wanting to know what had everyone so delighted.

She didn’t expect Carina to be the answer.

But there she was, facing away from Maya, her head tipped back in laughter at whatever Travis had just said.

Skinny jeans and a white t-shirt and Maya’s bomber jacket…beautiful and full of joy…

“Carina?” Maya called out, which made Carina turn around revealing that she did not come alone.

She had Jamie in a sling across her chest and even though the material mostly hid Jamie from view, Maya could see the little hand holding onto Carina’s t-shirt.

“Ciao, Bella!” she said, ignoring everyone else in the room.

Maya moved in for a hug immediately, kissing Carina’s cheek and then looking down, desperate to see Jamie.

“Hi, Jamie!” Maya tried to keep her voice calm, but she couldn’t keep the excitement from seeping in, especially when Jamie turned her face from Carina’s chest to look up, searching for Maya with her wide blue eyes.

Maya almost felt giddy as she lifted Jamie from the sling, overjoyed to find her wearing the Probie onesie Warren had given them. Mindful of her badge, Maya held Jamie against her chest, breathing her in, kissing her little cheeks as if it had been weeks since she last saw her instead of hours.

“What are you doing here?” Maya asked, unable to tear her eyes away from the baby who yawned, scrunching up her nose in the process.

Carina shrugged, dismissively waving her hand. “Jamie missed you.”

“Oh, Jamie missed me?”

Carina was about to respond but was quickly drowned out by Vic who shouted “BABY IN THE FIREHOUSE!”

“Volume!” Maya hissed, placing her hand over Jamie’s ear.

Vic grit her teeth as Travis smacked her arm, but Carina apparently found the whole thing hilarious because she tipped her head back again and started laughing, the sound enough to clear away Maya’s annoyance.

As soon as Maya walked into the Beanery, she was met with a chorus of coos and awwwws and grown adults making googly faces. Jamie looked for the source of the noise, taking Maya’s offered finger for comfort.

“Okay, everyone wash your hands,” Maya said, leaving no room for discussion.

“Oh, I like when Mommy is bossy,” Carina whispered in Maya’s ear, bumping Maya with her hip.

“And I like when Mama behaves,” Maya answered, noting Carina’s quiet growl.

Vic approached first, hands outstretched, and Maya held her breath as she passed Jamie over. She knew logically that Vic was very good with babies and that she’d practically raised Pru as a newborn, but they’d yet to introduce Jamie to their friends, which meant that technically, Vic was the first person other than the two of them and healthcare workers to hold Jamie.

“She’s so tiny,” Vic marvelled, booping Jamie’s nose. Jamie squawked in response, but settled again, apparently content.

Maya felt Carina’s hand tuck itself into her elbow as they watched each member of A-Crew come for a visit. Theo ran his finger over Jamie’s head, smoothing her hair. Warren took a turn holding her, his deep voice apparently fascinating for Jamie who waved her arms every time he spoke. Travis tickled the bottom of her feet and Vic sang her something silly and Maya soaked in the moment, still amazed that the baby in Vic’s arms was her baby.

Jack approached, and Vic carefully passed Jamie towards him, laughing when Jamie yawned as she settled in Jack’s arms. She seemed so small as he held her, she was barely the length of his forearm.

“She looks so different,” he said, his smile wide.

Maya nodded in agreement. “She’s six pounds.”

“Almost six and a half,” Carina added, squeezing Maya’s arm.

“Awesome work, Jamie. Drinking your mom’s gross protein shakes?” Jack snorted, before blinking heavily, “wow…Bishop you’re a mom.”

“Crazy, right?” Maya could still barely believe it herself.

Carina’s grip tightened as she gave Maya a knowing look.

“Not so crazy,” she said, her voice soft and kind.

Before Maya could respond, Jamie sniffled, her bottom lip shaking in a sure-fire warning that…

“Uh…she’s crying,” Jack announced, quickly handing Jamie to Maya just as Jamie’s mewls grew louder.

Maya sighed, looking at the sad little face staring up at her.

“That’s her pee face,” she said, reaching for the backpack Carina still wore.

“I can do it, Tesoro,” Carina said, but Maya shook her head no.

“You’ve been on diaper duty all day. Go eat, Jamie and I are due for a team building exercise.”

She took the bag from Carina’s shoulder and happily walked towards the lounge, crying baby in tow.

In truth, she was craving a moment alone with Jamie. Even if it was just to change her diaper, Maya had been missing her terribly all day and was feeling greedy.

She crouched on the floor in the lounge, spreading out Jamie’s changing mat before setting Jamie down and unzipping her onesie.

“Were you good for Mama today?” Maya asked, laying a new diaper and wet wipes beside Jamie on the mat.

She removed the soggy diaper and replaced it as quickly as possible, knowing that as soon as Jamie felt dry again, the crying would stop. Sure enough, she settled as Maya folded down the flaps, apparently content now that she was no longer uncomfortable.

“Did you get cuter?” Maya lay down on her side, not caring that she was at work or that anyone could see her. She’d finished her chores for the day and unless the klaxon sounded, it was dinner time and she could do as she wished.

She blew a raspberry on Jamie’s tummy, laughing when Jamie started waving her hands in response.

“Don’t tell Mama, but I bruised my butt today. She’s going to be very mad, so we need to keep this on the downlow,” Maya said, taking one of Jamie’s feet in her hands.

She carefully bent Jamie’s leg, watching as Jamie repeated the action once Maya let go. Jamie furrowed her brow and huffed, which Maya knew meant she no longer wanted to be on the floor. As soon as she was back in Maya’s arms, cuddled against her chest, Jamie yawned again, her eyes growing heavy.

Maya was so mesmerized by the sight of Jamie’s eyelashes against her cheek that she didn’t notice Andy until the woman in question stepped fully into the room.

“Sorry,” Andy said, clearly feeling out of place.

Maya shook her head. “It’s fine. Do you want to hold her?”

Regardless of the tension between them, regardless of how broken their friendship, Maya knew that Andy Herrera was a good person. She was the person who stood by Maya’s side in the academy. They’d pushed each other and raised each other up and even though life had sent them on different paths, Maya trusted Andy with Jamie. With her most precious thing.

Andy was clearly surprised by the offer, but quickly recovered, nodding her head.

For the first time in what felt like years, Andy and Maya sat in the same room, content to be in each other’s company. Maya perched on the couch while Andy sat in one of the overstuffed recliners, a sleeping Jamie in her arms.

“She’s beautiful, Maya,” Andy said, her smile soft and warm.

“Thank you.”

“I’m really happy for you and Carina. I know things have been…”

“It’s okay,” Maya raised her hand, and Andy understood that whatever feud lay between them was temporarily on hold.

Jamie slept and Andy watched her face while Maya watched Andy. At one time, Andy would have been Maya’s first choice for godmother. And while that time was over, while those days were gone, Maya was still touched by the sight of Andy holding her baby.

“I didn’t know about Ross and Sullivan…when I accepted the captaincy, I mean,” Andy said so quietly that it took a second for Maya to realize what she’d said.

Maya stilled remembered watching Andy’s love for Sullivan bloom, she remembered thinking that if they could make a marriage work, she and Carina could too. And she couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to see someone you loved as much as Andy had loved Sullivan move on, be with someone else…

The thought alone made Maya slightly ill. But it also made her feel grateful because she had Carina. Without a doubt she had Carina.

And Andy didn’t have anyone.

“You deserve the captaincy,” Maya said, “you earned it.”

Andy didn’t respond and Maya decided not to push.

She let Andy hold Jamie, knowing how comforting it was, and instead busied herself searching Carina’s bag for a pair of PJs.

“Baby Yoda or Kermit?” Maya asked, holding up two options, unsure when they’d acquired either. Between Carina’s shopping habit, the Grey-Sloan family, and Station 19, Jamie had a wardrobe that would rival a Kardashian.

“What’s the difference?” Andy eyed the onesies in question and Maya found herself agreeing with her assessment. Both green. Both owned by Disney. Both stupidly cute.

Maya tucked the Kermit PJs back in the bag, the tiny hood with Yoda ears forcing her decision.

“At least she didn’t pack the baby Versace,” she grumbled, which made Andy snort.

“Versace makes baby clothes?”

“Carina’s friend Gabriella sent us a box of designer onesies. I’m scared to touch them let alone let Jamie wear them.”

Andy shook her head in disbelief. “If I were you, I’d sell them and start her college fund.”

Maya laughed and Andy joined her and for a moment they could both pretend that they were still best friends, laughing together, without a care in the world.

The sound woke Jamie, but before she could start crying again, Andy stood up and lay her on the couch next to Maya.

“Should we get some jammies on, Jamie?” Maya asked, tucking Jamie’s feet into the onesie. She tickled Jamie’s tummy before working on her arms, forever obsessed with the way Jamie always watched her intently.

“I’m really proud of you, Maya,” Andy said. Maya stopped what she was doing to look at Andy, finding her pensive, but honest.

Maya nodded, a silent thank you, and then finished zipping Jamie’s PJs, playfully flipping the hood over her head. The sight of Jamie with Yoda ears made even Andy coo and they both fumbled for their phones when Travis popped his head into the room, clearly trying to hold in laughter.

“Maya, you might want to come see this,” he said, gesturing over his shoulder with his thumb.

“See what?”

“Just…trust me. You want to see this”

Confused, Maya stood from the couch, Jamie against her shoulder, and followed Travis out of the lounge with Andy close at her heels. She stopped when he motioned for her to pause and the three stood looking at the Beanery where the rest of A-Squad was apparently sitting at the table, listening to Carina.

At first, it was unclear what Carina was saying, but Maya quickly realized that her wife had acquired a laptop and the diagram was impossible to miss.

“As you can see,” Carina said, pointing to the screen, “the prostate is essentially the male G-Spot. There are numerous nerve endings in the anus, which is pleasurable on its own, but men are so fearful of anal play thanks to our patriarchal heteronormative society…”

Jack tilted his head and it was only then that Maya realized Carina’s audience consisted of a blushing Warren, Theo, Vic who was in the midst of a laugh-attack, and standing in the corner, Robert Sullivan.

“Why does this always happen when I’m in the room?” Warren grumbled, burying his face in his hands.

“There is no need for embarrassment. Pleasure is natural,” Carina shrugged, breezy, which made Vic’s attempt to stifle her laughter all but impossible.

“So…like…this requires…t-toys or…” Jack was squinting, clearly trying to wrap his mind around the idea.

Carina nodded, encouraging. “You want to start small, a finger will do. But, yes, building up to a butt plug or beads or a dildo is very easy. You’ll want to use a silicon-based lubricant for any anal play, but I’m assuming you’re all aware of the necessity of lube regardless.”

“Yep. Yeah. For sure, for sure,” Jack stuttered, folding his arms across his chest.

“Says the man who claimed we didn’t need any because he knew what he was doing,” Andy laughed, which made Travis join in. The sound pulled Carina’s attention and soon there was a group of profusely blushing firefighters seated around the table.

“I leave you alone for five minutes,” Maya said, shaking her head at Carina’s coy grin.

In the midst of all the noise, the boasting and the awkward questions and Vic’s incessant giggles, Maya only had eyes for Carina who crossed the room to join her.

“Ti senti meglio, picolla?” Carina cooed, taking Jamie from Maya. Jamie immediately nuzzled her nose into Carina’s shoulder, as if she was trying to burrow into her shirt.

There was a long twelve hours to go, but Maya felt rejuvenated, the night ahead no longer so lonely. She led Carina into the bunkroom, closing the door to drown out the sound from the Beanery, and in the privacy of the room, she took Carina’s face in her hands and kissed her.

“Thank you,” she whispered against Carina’s lips, soaking in every moment she could.

Carina hummed against her and leaned in, brushing her nose against Maya’s.

“I missed you,” she said, pouting when Maya pulled away from her.

“You missed me? I thought Jamie missed me?”

“Jamie, la mommy non è gentile con me.”

“Jamie,” Maya said, wrapping her arms around Carina’s hips, “I am being very nice to mama.”

They stood forehead to forehead, and Maya couldn’t stop herself from thinking about Andy, about Andy’s pain at the realization that Sullivan had moved on.

“I feel so lucky,” Maya confessed, hardly realizing that she’d said it out loud until Carina’s free hand found that back of her neck.

Jamie slept snuggly between them, unaware that her mothers were watching her.

Unaware that she was their love made manifest – a tiny soul that contained the enormity of their universe.