21. Chapter 21

Maya was used to stressful situations. She’d once performed a tracheotomy on a moving train without so much as breaking a sweat.

But following Nancy around her apartment while she performed their first home inspection had Maya in a tizzy. Nancy was holding a clipboard, making small checks on a form Maya couldn’t see, but she appreciated the organization.

 Nancy’s clipboard game was strong. Maya could respect that.

The social worker asked questions or pointed to numerous features that Maya had baby-proofed, all while Carina carried Jamie and breezily guided Nancy around the space. Maya had safety covers on every outlet, she’d replaced all the batteries in their smoke detectors three times, she’d installed locks on all the cabinet doors, she’d removed any dangling cords from window blinds, and she still felt like it wasn’t enough.

What if Nancy disapproved of their crib choice? What if she disagreed with their chosen laundry detergent? What if she decided they were the worst people on the planet and Jamie wasn’t safe? What if…

Maya noticed a tiny set of eyes staring at her over Carina’s shoulder. They were wide and blue and Maya stared back, sticking out her tongue just as Nancy turned around to speak with her.

“Uh…sorry,” Maya stuttered, red-faced, but Nancy just laughed, her smile warm and friendly.

“You’ve done a remarkable job with such a short amount of time,” Nancy said, looking around.

Carina shot Maya a reassuring glance, but Maya still felt her stomach in knots. They had to get through the interview. Or, she had to get through the interview.

A thoracotomy on a moving train was kid’s play.

“Would you like some coffee, Nancy? Or breakfast?” Carina, the consummate host, had already filled the kitchen table with an assortment of baked goods and fruit.

“Coffee would be wonderful. We can get started on the individual interviews too. I’m sure you’re both eager to get on with your day.”

Carina nodded once, warm as always.

“Maya, could you change Jamie’s diaper while I get Nancy a coffee?” She asked and Maya forced herself to concentrate, to quiet her racing thoughts and her racing heart.

She took Jamie from Carina’s waiting hands and left to take care of Jamie in the privacy of her nursery.

Away from Nancy’s clipboard, Maya breathed a short sigh of relief. She placed Jamie down on the changing-table but paused before removing her onesie.

“I’ve got this, right?” She said out loud, finding herself drawn to Jamie’s face again.

Jamie waved her fists in the air and then settled.

“I know, I know, Mama said to be honest, so that’s what I’m going to do,” Maya got to work on Jamie’s clothes, unzipping the onesie quickly because Jamie was not a fan of cold air on her sensitive skin.

She let out a little squawk of protest, which Maya silenced by leaning down and blowing a raspberry on the cutest tiny baby belly the world had ever seen.

“You always say the perfect thing, Baby T-Rex,” Maya cooed, removing Jamie’s diaper and tossing it in the bin.

“Okay, we’ve got wet wipes. Check. We’ve got new diaper. Check,” Maya carefully slipped the diaper under Jamie’s bottom and closed the flaps before picking her up, one hand under each of Jamie’s arms.

She blew another raspberry and then peppered Jamie’s cheeks with kisses, laughing when Jamie started wheeling her legs. A soft knock on the door interrupted them.

“Maya?” Carina popped her head inside, her smile wide as she caught Maya dangling Jamie in the air.

“Uh…we were just having a conversation. It was very private,” Maya said.

Carina rolled her eyes and closed the distance between them.

“Is mommy silly?” Carina cooed, pressing a kiss to Maya’s shoulder.

“Mommy is nervous as hell,” Maya sighed, which made Carina look up and catch her gaze.

“Mommy is the bravest person I know,” Carina said, taking Jamie from Maya’s hands, “and the most beautiful, and no one loves us like Mommy does.”

Carina whispered the last part into Jamie’s ear.

“Nancy waiting?” Maya pointed at the door, exhaling sharply.

“Yes. Do you want to go first or…”

Maya shook her head. “I want to get it over with.”

“Bene. I’ll be in our room. You’ll do great, Maya.”

Maya wasn’t so sure, but before she could answer, Carina curled one hand into the front of her t-shirt and forced her closer, close enough that Carina could nibble gently on Maya’s bottom lip.

“Keep an eye on Mama,” Maya said, breathless as she pulled back, “she’s something else.”

With a quick kiss to the top of Jamie’s head, Maya walked out of the room, emboldened by Carina’s confidence and the feel of her mouth so warm against her own.

~*~   

“This coffee is so good,” Nancy said, staring at the mug in her hand as if it was sparkling.

Maya forced a smile, desperate to hide her nerves, but finding every moment spent sitting at the table across from Nancy more and more anxiety inducing. Still, Nancy was very friendly and obviously on their side, so Maya nodded enthusiastically, giving the social worker her full attention.

“That’s Carina. She could put Starbucks out of business,” Maya said, folding her arms, willing herself to stop bouncing in her seat.

Nancy took one more sip before setting down the cup.

“Shall we get started?” She asked, pen in hand.

Maya nodded again. “Sorry, I’m a bit nervous. It feels like…a lot is on the line.”

“Most adoptive parents are nervous, Maya. We’re digging into every corner of your life – it’s a level of scrutiny that would inspire anxiety in anyone.”

Between the criminal background check, medical reports, financial information, and ongoing interviews with colleagues, Maya felt poked and prodded from all angles. She knew they were great on paper, especially when it came to their finances and health, but the results of a blood test didn’t exactly say abusive father or temper problems.

“As you know,” Nancy continued, “I’m going to ask some basic questions about your childhood and family, about you and Carina. This is all to get a better picture of the type of home you plan to provide for Jamie.”

“Got it.”

“Let’s start easy. Where were you born?”

“Here. Seattle,” Maya said, spinning her wedding ring.

“Do you have any siblings?”

Maya swallowed hard. “A younger brother, Mason.”

“And is he involved in your life?”

Carina would tell her to be honest, to be herself. And Carina was usually right, so Maya decided to forge ahead and pray that Nancy didn’t find her answers horrifying.

“He’s not,” Maya said, “my brother…he…he’s an addict. Or he was an addict. I haven’t seen him in years, although the last time I saw him he was clean. It’s…complicated.”

“I’m sorry. That must be very difficult.”

Maya shifted in her seat, finding the attention uncomfortable.

“Mason is a talented artist, he was always such a talented kid. I feel guilty about what happened to him and I wish I could help him, but I don’t know where he is and I think he prefers it that way.”

“Why do you feel guilty?”

Shit…

“Growing up, I guess you could say I was the favourite? Mason was ignored a lot. I should’ve stood up for him. Helped him more, I guess,” Maya said, scratching the back of her neck.

She felt like she was digging her own grave.

Nancy didn’t appear shocked or horrified. She just continued casually with her questions.

“And how would you describe your family growing up? Your parents?” She asked, her dark eyes finding Maya’s.

Maya took a deep breath.

“We were pretty average, middle class, I’d say. My dad owned a small chain of sports good stores – just local, nothing fancy – and my mom did occasional volunteer work at my school, but was mostly a stay-at-home mom,” Maya began, wishing she could avoid the conversation entirely.

“How would you describe your relationship with your parents?”

“Uh…that’s…my uh…”

The truth could cost her Jamie. Nancy would see Maya for who she really was. A cold, heartless, unfeeling monster, molded by a cold, heartless, unfeeling monster.

Except Carina didn’t think that was true. Carina looked at her with so much love, Carina trusted her with Jamie, Carina married her and wanted her and saw that she was so much more than what Lane Bishop made her to be.

Maya cleared her throat and refocused. “To be honest, my dad was abusive. It took me over twenty years to realize it, but he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. For a long time, I thought his attention was the sign of an attentive, caring parent, but I was wrong. He abused my mother and brother. And he abused me too.”

It still felt odd to say it out loud. A part of her would always fight it, a part of her that spoke in her father’s voice.

“Is he still in your life,” Nancy was eyeing Maya with an unreadable expression, but it was too late to back down.

“No. I haven’t spoken to him in nearly three years.”

“And your mother?”

“She left him for good about a year ago. We don’t see each other a lot, but I do want her involved in Jamie’s life. Carina and I are trying to decide the best way for that to happen,” Maya said.

“How would you say your childhood shaped your perception of parenting?”

Maya raised her eyebrows, trying hard not to scoff.

“My dad recognized my talent and pushed me to be the very best and I used to think that meant he was a good father. I ignored the diets he made me keep and the schedule. I ignored it all the way to the Olympics, all the way to a career-ending injury…”

Maya wasn’t sure if she was saying the right thing, but she felt strongly about the question and wanted Nancy to understand.

“You were in the Olympics?” Nancy asked, clearly surprised.

It used to be the first thing she told people. Hi, I’m Maya Bishop, Olympic gold medalist…

“Yes, 2012. 10,000 metre sprint. The medal is somewhere in storage…” Maya looked over her shoulder, trying to remember where she’d put it.

At one time she had her medal front and centre – in her locker, on her desk. But that was before she accepted the truth about Lane and before her demotion. Before she realized that her path to the Olympics was strewn with broken shards and sharp words. Before SFD had kicked her down.

She wasn’t ashamed of her achievement, far from it, she just didn’t quite know how to see it outside of Lane’s influence yet.

And the day she’d had to remove the medal from her office, from the captain’s office, made the demotion feel somehow worse. So, it stayed in storage. Temporarily.

“Medal?”

“Gold,” Maya smiled, because even though her feelings about the Olympics were complex, she was still Maya Bishop and Maya Bishop was the best.

“Wow! Sorry for interrupting, but wow!”

“Thanks,” Maya shrugged, turning serious again, “but as I was saying, I think my parents taught me how not to parent. To be honest, before Carina I had never really considered kids. And then Jamie came into our lives and I had to figure out this parenting things quickly…I’m still figuring it out. I just know what I don’t want for her and I know what I do want. And those things are tied in to how I was raised and how I don’t want to raise her.”

“Oh?”

“I want her to have love and rest. I want her to excel at whatever it is she loves, but I don’t want her to feel pressured into doing things she doesn’t want to do. I want her to have a childhood, I want her to do her best and work hard, but I also want her to have fun and make mistakes. I want her to feel safe with me…I want her to know that I love her no matter what she achieves or doesn’t achieve. And I want her to know that I will fight for her, I will protect her. Every single day.”

Nancy blinked and bit her lips, her eyes watering.

“Sorry,” she sniffled, “that’s…that’s lovely, Maya, thank you for being so open.”

Maya could only nod. Happy tears were much better than giant red exes on a report.

“Okay,” Nancy said, clearing her throat, “let’s talk about Carina.”

All of Maya’s previous anxiety vanished. She smiled widely, unable to stop herself.

Nancy noticed and smiled too. “When did you meet?”

“About four years ago now. We’ve been married for almost three. But we met at Joe’s Bar.”

“Quick engagement?”

“You could say that,” Maya said, unable to forget that day. The day her life had changed forever.

Please, Bambina…

“What makes you want to parent with Carina? You said you didn’t think about children before you met her…what changed? And why now?” Nancy asked.

“Carina is…” Maya felt herself at a loss. How to describe Carina? How to possibly articulate what she felt.

“Before Carina I was a different person,” Maya pushed on, “I…thought I knew what I wanted. I thought life had to be a certain way. The way my father told me it had to be. And then I met Carina and…I’d never been in love before. I’d never wanted to be in love. But Carina is…I’ve never wanted anything the way I wanted Carina. I don’t mean that in a possessive way, more like…I don’t work without her. She makes me better, she makes me want to be better. She sees me in a way that no one else ever has and I don’t know if I deserve it, but she makes me believe in a version of myself that I so want to be real. Watching her become a mother? Watching her share all that love? She’s my best friend. She’s my favourite part of every day. I couldn’t do this with anyone else. I wouldn’t want to.”

Nancy stared at Maya with a wistful, glazed over look, as if she’d just finished watching the best romcom ever written.

She blinked heavily, clearly trying to focus.

“You both presumably work long hours. How do you plan to provide adequate childcare for Jamie?” Nancy asked.

Maya had researched possible interview questions for days and wasn’t surprised that Nancy asked.

“I tend to work twenty-four shifts, but Carina has more regular hours, unless she’s called in for an emergency. There’s a daycare at the hospital that’s going to take Jamie. And we have a network of babysitters too. But Carina and I try to match our schedules as much as possible.”

“Can you talk about your work? I know from your adoption statement and in discussions with your references that you’re in the midst of an internal investigation,” Nancy’s unreadable expression returned.

Maya set her hands on the table, her anxiety returning in full force.

“I love my job,” she said, “and I love my team. A few years ago, on my wedding day actually, I was demoted. I then waited a year for a formal hearing, which never happened. It was not an easy decision to go to HR…I don’t want to be disruptive, and I will accept the findings of the investigation, but I felt strongly…and so did Carina, that I had to do this. For myself. And for our family.”

“Oh?”

“I want Jamie to know that she can fight for what she believes in. That when she seems something unfair or unjust, she can step up and use her voice. I…I want her to be proud of me…it’s not easy for women in the Fire Department. It’s not easy for women in a lot of places and I want to make the world easier for all of us. For Jamie. So, yes, I want my captaincy back. And, yes, things at work are not exactly stable right now. But I want my daughter to know that I fought. That I didn’t back down when things felt impossible. I want her to know that.”

Again, Nancy’s eyes brimmed with tears and she sniffled, shaking her head as she did.

“Sorry, sorry,” she laughed, taking a deep, centering breath.  

Happy tears twice in less than five minutes?

Maya passed Nancy a napkin and sat back in her chair, her confidence rising.

~*~

Carina sipped her espresso, keeping her eyes on Nancy who was busy writing down something on her clipboard. Her thoughts drifted to Maya in the other room, Maya who had left her interview with a cocky grin and a swagger in her step.

Now it was Carina’s turn and while she wasn’t anxious, she was feeling the pressure.

“Where were you born,” Nancy asked, pen in hand.

Carina set down her cup and crossed her legs.

“In Sicily, have you been to Italy, Nancy?”

Nancy shook her head.

“I’m from the south and so is my family,” Carina explained, knowing most Americans knew Rome and Venice and everything else was just pizza and wine.

“And your family? Do you have any siblings? Anyone here in Seattle?”

Even though she knew it was coming, the questions still caused a small pang in Carina’s chest.

“I had a little brother. He died just over three years ago,” she said, trying not to dwell on the fact that Andrea would never get to meet Jamie. He’d never know he had a nipotina.

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“My mother died when I was in my early twenties and my father is still in Italy. But here? It is just me and Maya.”

“Can you talk about your childhood?” Nancy spoke softly and Carina appreciated her kindness.

“It was…complicated. Andrea, my brother, was five years younger than me, and our parents had a volatile relationship. But we had our nonna and our uncles and aunties. Even though my parents fought, it felt like we were raised in a village. Food and laughter…the beach every day,” Carina sighed, wistful.

“Sounds lovely.”

“Hmmm. Some of it was. My father is not a well man. He’s a genius, but he is bipolar, and that meant sometimes we didn’t have money, or we’d go live with Nonna during his moods. When I was sixteen, mama filed for a divorce. She wanted to leave Italy, to get far away from papa, but she didn’t want to leave Andrea. He was only eleven. So, I told her she should take him and move to America.”

Nancy paused, looking up from her clipboard. “Your mother left you in Italy when you were sixteen?”

Carina forced herself not to take offense with Nancy’s tone.

“Yes. It was difficult for many years. And then she died very suddenly. But I still had Andrea and I still had to take care of my father. I moved here when I heard Andrea had been hired by Grey-Sloan. The program is world-renowned, and I wanted to do my research here. So that’s how I ended up in Seattle.”

“And what would you say your childhood taught you about parenting?”

Carina scoffed. “It taught me how not to parent.”

She was about to continue when Nancy smirked, giggling softly.

“Your wife said the same thing,” she said.

“Ah, yes. We are…how do you say it…two peas in a pod?”

“Certainly seems that way.”

“Sì,” Carina continued, “my parents fought non-stop. Every single argument resulted in screaming until I think they truly hated each other. They couldn’t stand to be in the same country, let alone the same house. For a long time, I didn’t believe in marriage because I saw how it trapped my mother.”

“What changed?”

Carina smiled, warmth flooding her chest. “Maya Bishop. Love is a very silly thing, Nancy.”

“Don’t I know it.”

“I want Jamie to know that Maya and I love her, but I also want her to know that we love each other. I want a home full of love, a home where everyone stays and no one runs away. Maya and I aren’t perfect, I’m not saying we never fight. But…we’ve worked so hard to understand each other. To learn each other. When I think of how my mother and father fought, how they hated each other? I do not understand. Because as much as they hated each other? That’s how much I love Maya.”

Nancy bit her lip, trying to keep from crying.

“You two,” she grumbled, batting away a stray tear from her cheek.

“Do you plan to introduce your father to Jamie?”

Carina rubbed her forehead with one hand. “Yes. Eventually. I would like to take her to Italy someday.  For now, Maya and I are being very cautious about introducing Jamie to her grandparents. We have so many wonderful friends – we’ve built our own family here – we just want to make sure the timing is right for Jamie.”

“Could you describe your social group here in Seattle? You’ve mentioned friends, would they be involved in childcare? Or Jamie’s life?”

“I have many colleagues at the hospital,” Carina explained, “I’ve delivered some of their babies even. Jamie will go to the daycare at Grey-Sloan with their children too. And Maya’s colleagues are…”

Carina paused, unsure how to continue. Sometimes Maya’s colleagues felt like family. And sometimes they felt like strangers. But she also knew how much they loved Pru. They would love Jamie just as much and just as hard.

“Maya’s colleagues are basically a family already. We are lucky to have many people wanting to support us. Because family hasn’t been easy for either of us. But our friends, the people we work with, that’s the family we choose for Jamie,” Carina said, knowing that as a social worker specializing in adoption, Nancy would understand that biology had very little to do with what made a good family.

“Lovely,” Nancy said, “and what makes you want to parent with Maya? What helped you decide that the two of you were ready for this?”

Maya placed a sandwich in front of Carina on the table. She walked back into the kitchen, serious and kind, as she told Carina that she’d taken care of all the details regarding Andrea’s funeral, his apartment, his bank…

For a moment Carina was stunned into silence. It felt like water was filling her lungs, her chest. Because no one had ever done anything like that for her before. No one.

She’d arranged her mother’s funeral alone. She’d picked out a casket, she chose the readings and spoke to their priest. She’d sorted through her mother’s suitcase, trying to find something for Lucia to wear. But the suitcase was small and Lucia’s dresses were all in America along with a life that Carina could only imagine.

She still remembered driving into town, walking into a clothing store, staring at row upon row of black dresses. She remembered the saleswoman cheerfully offering to help her and she remembered the guilt because her mother would go to rest wearing a dress that she’d never worn in life. A dress that had never seen parties or dinners or happiness. Carina kept the tags on her dresser for a month after the funeral.

She remembered Andrea’s anger, his inability to understand why she’d lied, why she’d told him that their Mama was only sick, why she’d kept the truth from him as he flew over the Atlantic. He didn’t know what the lie had cost her, he didn’t know that she’d curled into a ball after the phone call, trying not to throw up, trying to concentrate on all that still needed to be done.

She didn’t have her mother’s rosary, so she needed to find one for the coffin. She needed to arrange food for after the funeral. She had a list of over fifty people to call.

She hadn’t slept since Lucia’s heart stopped days before. She couldn’t because every time she closed her eyes she would see her mother’s still, pale face. The unnatural way her chest no longer moved up and down. The horrific realization that Lucia no longer had a heartbeat, that as Carina lay next to her, holding onto her, she could no longer hear the comforting rhythm that had lulled her to sleep as a child.

And now Maya was telling her that she’d done all the work. That Carina wouldn’t need to call the priest or hire a moving company or fight with bank managers. Maya who hadn’t left her side since Owen told her that Andrea was gone. Maya who held her or gave her space or made her sandwiches. Maya…

Carina’s voice wavered as she began to speak, the emotion so close to the surface.

“I am a very independent person,” Carina said, “I always have been. I’ve had to be. But Maya takes care of me in a way that no one else ever has. She’s stubborn and head-strong and she drives me crazy, but she loves so big…people think she doesn’t, but she does. She would die for Jamie. And maybe that doesn’t automatically mean she’s a good parent, but I have watched my wife grow into the person she’s always been, the person her father tried to erase. There is no one else I could do this with, no one else I’d want to do this with. I don’t know if we’re ready, I don’t think anyone is really ready, but Jamie is here and we both know without a doubt that she’s ours. She’s our daughter. Sometimes it feels like Maya and I made her, I know…ridicola, but it is true.”

Nancy was crying again and Carina had to stifle a laugh. It was likely a good sign for that their social worker was so moved by their relationship and their devotion to each other and Jamie. At the very least, a tear-stained application was certainly one way to prove suitability for adoption.

Nancy continued taking notes and Carina let her mind wander to earlier in the day when she’d found Maya carrying Jamie around the apartment before sunrise. They’d been deep in conversation – Maya chatting to Jamie about the time she’d found herself trapped in a garage, while Jamie drank her bottle, her eyes never leaving Maya’s face.

Carina picked up her espresso and took another sip, happy to answer Nancy’s questions but quite eager to join Jamie and Maya again. She wanted cuddles and laughter.

She wanted her little family.

Her perfect little family.

One more question. One more answer.

Each bringing her closer and closer to her dreams.

~*~

Maya woke up disoriented and alone. She had no memory of falling asleep, let alone wandering into her bedroom and lying down. Her watch said 5PM and there was light coming from under the door, but otherwise, her head remained foggy.

She pushed herself up, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand and then checked the bassinette beside her.

Empty.

Which meant she was missing both a wife and a baby.

The day had been long, successful, but long. Nancy had been enthusiastic and kind, and Carina was full of positivity, but Maya felt as if she’d just run a difficult race. She wasn’t sure if she’d come in first yet, and not knowing was frustrating. And scary.

Shaking away her negative thoughts, Maya made a quick stop in the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face and then decided the best cure for an anxious mind was Carina DeLuca.

The only lights on in the apartment came from the kitchen and the small lamp in the living room. It made the space feel cozy and intimate and the sight of a fire in the fireplace warmed Maya further. Carina wasn’t sitting on the couch, however, so Maya headed in the opposite direction, holding in a sigh at the sight of her wife and baby together in the kitchen.

Carina had Jamie in a sling, strapped across her chest. In one hand she held a medical journal and in the other she held a tomato and from the smell, Maya was in for something very carby and very cheesy and very delicious.

“Hi,” she said, biting her lip as Carina looked up, her pinched expression disappearing as soon as she realized Maya was in the room.

“Buonjorno!” She laughed, setting down the journal to beckon Maya forward.

“You should’ve woken me,” Maya said, feeling slightly guilty that she’d left Carina to do all the work. Carina’s day had been stressful too, but she’d apparently cooked and made a salad and snuck in some research at the same time.

Maya stepped closer, loosely wrapping her arms around Carina’s hips, mindful of Jamie between them. She was still sleepy and Carina’s shoulder looked particularly inviting.

“You were tired, Bambina. Rest is good.” Carina kissed Maya’s forehead, her lips warm and soft.

“What were you reading about?”

“A new clinical trial for women who experience infertility after cancer therapies.”

It struck Maya as it so often did that Carina was a good person. She was a person who brought babies into the world and championed women’s healthcare and would stay up half the night on a conference call if it meant helping a patient. Maya knew firefighting was a noble profession, she knew her work was invaluable, but Carina’s mind, her commitment, her skill…it astounded Maya.

“Do you miss work?” Maya brushed her nose against Carina’s throat, breathing her in.

“Sometimes. But Jo sends me updates on my patients.”

“And you’re totally going to sneak in for a delivery or two next week.”

Maya kissed Carina just below her jaw, unable to stop herself. She didn’t miss the little sigh it evoked from her wife, nor did she miss the way Carina’s free hand came to rest low on her back, her fingers pulling lightly at Maya’s shirt.

“I’m delivering quadruplets on Thursday,” Carina confessed and Maya smiled against her cheek.

“That’s a lot of babies.”

A light flutter between their bodies alerted them to a very specific baby who was apparently tired of being ignored.

“Jamie did you make dinner with mama?” Maya reached into Carina’s sling and lifted Jamie who was curled into a little ball, apparently just waking from her nap. Maya knew the feeling.

“Let me finish here. Almost done,” Carina said, just as Maya set Jamie against her shoulder.

With Jamie safely in her arms, Maya walked into the front room and sat down on the couch, soothed by the firelight and Jamie’s gurgles. She thought back to Nancy’s questions, back to their discussion about her childhood.

She couldn’t remember ever seeing her parents affectionate with each other. Her mother had dinner on the table each day on time. Her father might thank her, but was more likely to chastise her for an overcooked steak or the wrong brand of soda. The dinner table was a place of tension, a place where Maya spent her time reading the man who dictated what she was allowed to eat and when.

Maya looked over her shoulder, watching Carina move around the kitchen with practiced ease. The table was already set, complete with a bottle of wine, and Maya knew without a doubt that she was in for a pleasant evening. She knew without a doubt that her wife would insist on second helpings, that Carina would kiss her and hold her and love her just because she wanted to. She didn’t need a reason, she didn’t need evidence of Maya’s accomplishments before bestowing affection. And their dinner table was a place Maya looked forward to every day. No matter what was on it – Carina’s cooking or takeout or leftovers – it was safe. As was Carina.

She so hoped Carina felt the same.

She hoped Jamie felt the same too.

Maya looked down at Jamie who was snuggled up to her chest and offered her a finger, which the baby immediately grabbed with fluttering strength.

“Progress report, Probie,” Maya said, leaning over just enough to kiss Jamie’s forehead, “Nancy was here today and me and Mama told her all kinds of unpleasant things, but I think it may have worked? Remember how I told you we were going to sign all the papers and talk to all the people we needed to talk to? Well, we’re doing that. So, you don’t need to worry about anything, okay? You just need to concentrate on being a baby. I’m going to take care of everything else.”

Jamie listened intently, her grip on Maya’s finger stronger than it had ever been. It was still shocking to Maya that Jamie recognized her voice, that Jamie would seek her out and watch her as she spoke. The feelings were so big, bigger than anything Maya had ever experienced and sometimes she felt overwhelmed, she felt as if she didn’t know who she was, as if pieces of her had been swallowed up.

But she knew that wasn’t real. She knew that nothing had been lost and everything had been gained.

“I love you so much, Jamie,” Maya whispered, needing the baby to know.

She sniffed the top of Jamie’s head and smiled and wondered at how soft Jamie’s palm felt against her fingertip.