23. Chapter Twenty-Three

Moonlight filtered in through the open bedroom window, bringing with it a cool breeze that washed along Nicole’s bare shoulders, causing her to shiver as she and Waverly sat in the middle of her king size bed with a bowl of popcorn between them as they talked.

They moved from the couch sometime after Trent came home with his trademark crooked smile on face and a hickey on the side of his neck. Which he had refused to tell who gave it to him. They hung out with him for a bit. He and Nicole played Halo for a while and Nicole even tried teaching Waverly how to play.

Waverly had picked it up fairly quickly for someone who had never played video games in her life. Which Nicole had found surprising, she pegged Champ for a gamer (the type who harassed any girl brave enough to use a headset). Though she guess that even if Champ had been a gamer, he probably wouldn’t have taken the time to show Waverly how to play.

Trent had kicked them out of the living around 10, needing to get some sleep for his interview tomorrow morning. So, they raided the kitchen for beer and snacks to hold them over for the night, popcorn for the both of them, chocolate chip cookies for Nicole and cheese for Waverly.

They started out talking about little things, stuff that wouldn’t matter to anyone but the two of them but somewhere along the way the topic had turned to their childhoods. And while Nicole never really liked talking about her childhood with anyone, for Waverly she would.

It was only fair that if Waverly was going to be revealing things about her childhood, things she's never told anyone else then Nicole should do the same, would do the same.

To Nicole it was an even trade. She wanted to know more about Waverly, about the things she's been through, about what her life was like growing up. Reliving some painful memories was worth knowing Waverly more, better.

“When did you know you liked girls?” Waverly asked, her fingers stroking along the side of Nicole’s muscular calf that was stretched out beside her.

It was a question she had wanted to ask Nicole since the moment she started having feeling for Nicole but she had always been too afraid of Nicole questioning why she wanted to know to ask.

Nicole leaned her upper body over the side of the bed and picked up her beer from the floor, taking a long, slow swig from it.

Waverly watched with rapt interest as droplets of condensation dripped from the bottle onto the skin exposed by Nicole’s low cut tank top. She followed the droplets with her eyes as they slide slowly down Nicole’s chest and disappeared into her cleavage.

She never found women attractive before Nicole, never found herself staring at another woman the way she stared at Nicole.

Sure, she could appreciate when a woman was beautiful but she had never wanted to run her fingers through a woman’s hair before, she had never wanted to kiss every inch of exposed skin, she had never wanted to trail her fingers up long, tone pale legs before. She had never wanted  to do any of those things to another woman before Nicole.

Nicole tapped Waverly’s thigh with her foot, causing Waverly’s eyes to snap up to hers, the tips of her ears and her cheeks turning a deep shade of red at being caught staring. “My eyes are up here, Earp.”

If possible, Waverly blushed harder and ducked her head causing her hair to fall in front of her face acting as curtain, shielding Waverly from the smug grin on Nicole’s face.

Nicole leaned over the popcorn bowl, brushing the hair out of Waverly’s face and tucking it behind her ear. “Don’t hide, you’re beautiful when you blush.”

Nicole was possibly the only person in this whole damn town that actually made her feel beautiful, inside and out. Nicole was the only person that made her feel like all her quirks, all the things the people in town didn't like about her, all the things she kept buried deep inside were loveable.

Waverly pressed her lips to Nicole's in a slow, soft kiss that tasted of buttery popcorn.

When she pulled away, Nicole’s eyes were still closed and there was the most gorgeous, awestruck smile gracing her features.

“How do you do this to me, Waverly Earp?” Nicole whispered, her eyes opening slowly, looking at Waverly with wonder, amazement.

“Do what?”

“This.” Nicole reached forward, grasping one of Waverly’s hands in her own than pressed Waverly’s palm against her rapidly beating heart. “You manage to send my heart skyrocketing with a single, chaste kiss.”

This time it’s Nicole who blushes as she lets go of Waverly’s hand and caresses Waverly’s jaw and cheek. “No one has ever done that for me, I’ve never felt this way before, Waverly. You said I scare you but you scare me, what you make me feel scares me because if I- I.”

Nicole shook her head softly, taking a deep breath to try and rein in her emotions. She needed to get this out in the open. She needed Waverly to know how serious she was about this, about them.

She wouldn’t say ‘I love you’, not yet. It would be too much, too soon for Waverly. Waverly was just starting to figure who she really was and what she really wanted and saying ‘I love you’, ‘I’m in love with you’ would put unnecessary pressure on her and Nicole didn’t want to do that. Even though Nicole loved her with every ounce of her being and wanted to shout it to the world.

She wouldn’t say the words but she needed Waverly to know this, her were everything to her. She needed Waverly to know that she was all in. She needed Waverly to know that her heart was hers and she had all the power here.

Nicole was helplessly in love with Waverly and Waverly had the ability to break her, destroy her.

“It’s okay,” Waverly whispered, her thumb moving back and forth over Nicole’s heart, looking into Nicole’s eyes, that were shining with unshed tears. “I know.”

She did know. She knew because Nicole held that same power over her. Nicole was the only person in the world who had the ability to break her, destroy her.

“You know?” Nicole asked, voice wavering.

Waverly nodded, moving the popcorn bowl to the floor along with Nicole’s beer then opened her arms up for Nicole, in the same way Nicole had done for her a countless number of times over the course of their friendship.

Nicole was in Waverly’s arms in second, her ear pressed against Waverly’s chest, listening to the steady beating of her heart, using it to calm her as Waverly ran her fingers through her hair.

Nicole had never really needed someone to hold her, comfort her when she was upset or dealing with something. She figured it was because she was on her own as a child, as a teenager. Her parents didn’t comfort her, her older siblings didn’t comfort her, so she grew up dealing with things on her own, she grew up to be someone who didn’t need other people, she grew up to be independent.

So needing Waverly to comfort her, hold her like this when she’s on the verge of crying, it’s new, it’s different. And maybe that’s one of the reasons her feelings for Waverly scare her because she’s never needed anybody in her life, not to comfort her, to take care of her, to be there for her but, she needed Waverly in all the ways someone could need another person.

Waverly continued to run her fingers through auburn locks, humming some old lullaby that Curtis used to sing to her when she was little, when she couldn’t sleep at night, when she woke up from a nightmare, when she felt like the world was closing in on her.

She was doing her best to calm Nicole. She didn't have to do it very often, Nicole kept a lot of things hidden, preferred to deal with the things bothering her, hurting her, upsetting her on her own. So she wasn't entirely sure what the best way to do that was but, she hoped that just being here, just holding her was enough.

Eventually Nicole's breathing slowed and her death grip on the shirt Waverly was wearing loosened but she didn’t move out of Waverly’s arms and Waverly didn’t stop humming, didn’t stop running her fingers through her hair.

“We had been together since we were seventeen, knew each other since we were kids, we went through everything together, came out together, faced homophobic parents and kids in high school together, we faced everything together,” Nicole said into Waverly’s chest, her fingers tracing random patterns along Waverly’s back.

She didn’t talk about it often, didn’t talk about her and the devastation she caused often, or at all really. She kept it buried deep down inside for two years and she didn’t talk about it or think about it.

“I was a month into the academy and she didn’t want to leave her job, leave our apartment, her family, she didn’t want to leave our hometown at least not until I was done with the academy and had a job, so I came home when I could, usually the weekends.”

It worked for a whole month and she thought they were good, that things were okay between them. She thought that after five years together that a little distance would be no problem for them but, she was wrong, she was so damn wrong.

“I had just aced an exam at the top of the class and I had pinned my instructor on the mat for the first time and I was riding a high, I felt great, I was on top of the world and the only thing I wanted to do was go home and see J-jennifer,” Nicole’s voice broke on the last word, on her name.

She was over Jennifer. She felt no love for her anymore, felt nothing but resentment and betrayal. Sometimes that resentment, that betrayal was all consuming. Sometimes it made her so angry that Nicole didn’t even recognize herself.

She gave everything she had to Jennifer. She gave every ounce of herself to Jennifer, every piece of her heart and soul. She gave everything to Jennifer and, Jennifer took it all, broke every single piece and threw it back in Nicole’s face like it meant nothing, like Nicole had meant nothing to her.

After that, after Jennifer, Nicole made a promise to herself that she would never love someone so much that they had the power to destroy her like that. She promised herself that she’d never fall in love with someone else again.

Then she came to Purgatory and it was supposed to be a fresh start, away from the parents that scarred her deeply, away from the siblings that were never there for her, away from the person that completely destroyed her.

Purgatory was supposed to a place to make a name for herself, a home, a place where she was going to put herself first and not fall in love but then, Nedley sent her into Shorty’s, she sat down at the bar and she saw the most beautiful woman, most beautiful person she had ever laid eyes on and she was a goner.

She met Waverly Earp. She got to know her and she fell in love with her. And she loved Waverly more than she ever thought possible, more than she had ever loved Jennifer. Unknowingly, unwillingly Nicole had given herself over to Waverly completely, had given Waverly the power to destroy her and it terrified her.

Waverly’s arm tightened around Nicole and she pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. “We don’t have to talk about this now.”

Nicole pulled away almost immediately and she looked at Waverly with cloudy brown eyes with swirls of gold in them and she shook her head no.

“I want to tell you, I want you to know everything about me, I want you to know what made me who I am.” She grasped Waverly’s hand in hers and placed it on her heart, just like earlier. “I need you to know everything that’s in here, I need you to know me better than anyone else.”

“Okay baby.” Waverly kissed her forehead softly and gave her an encouraging smile. “Okay, whatever you need.”

Nicole’s eyes softened and she looked at her with that same amazement, same wonder that she had earlier.

Waverly was sure that Nicole could hear how hard and fast her heart was beating as she continued to just stare at her, lips parted in breathless sigh and eyes brimming with affection.

She’d never tire of the way Nicole looked at her as if the sun rose and set with her, as if she was the answer to Nicole’s prayers. She’d never tire of the way her breath hitched when Nicole leaned in close. She’d never tire of the spark that ignited whenever Nicole so much as touched her.

Nicole’s forehead is pressed against her own, one of her hands is gripping the back of her neck firmly but still so gently, her other hand is caressing Waverly’s jaw and those eyes that leave Waverly breathless are gazing lovingly into her own.

“Say it again,” Nicole whispered.

“Whatever you need,” Waverly repeated, her hands falling to grasp Nicole’s hips.

“Not that,” Nicole chuckled lightly.

“Baby?” Waverly said in confusion, her eyebrows drawn together and her nose scrunched up in the most adorable way.

Nicole had been called baby by Jennifer more times then she could count and never once did it send her heart into overdrive, never once did it leave her breathless, never once did it feel like coming home, never once did it feel like she found where she belong, who she meant to be with.

A brilliant smile took over Nicole’s face, all pearly white teeth and gorgeous dimples, her nose crinkling in that way that Waverly loved and Waverly was in awe of how absolutely beautiful Nicole was.   

Nicole’s smile fell slowly, along with her hands and her eyes that had been filled with happiness just moments ago clouded with anger and betrayal.

Nicole moved until her head was in Waverly’s lap, her legs stretched out on the bed, fingers idly playing with Waverly’s shirt as she looked up at her.

Waverly began to run her fingers through Nicole’s hair again, just waiting for her to continue, not wanting to push her until she was ready.

“I figured I’d surprise her, you know? So I drove non-stop to get home,” her voice was barely above a whisper and her eyes never left Waverly’s. “There was a trail of clothes leading from the living room to the bedroom, which wasn’t all that odd because Jennifer was never big on picking up after herself, so I didn’t really think anything of it but then I opened our bedroom door and saw her in bed with another woman, one of our best friends and something in me just broke, in that instant my whole world came crumbling down.”

“Oh Nicky.” She was at a loss for words. She didn’t know what to say, what to do, how to help.

Things suddenly clicked into place for her though. Nicole's fear of her changing her mind, of her regretting their kiss, regretting what had happened between them.

It all made sense. Nicole had been hurt in possibly one of the most painful ways to hurt another human being and that’s not something you get over completely, it’s something you carry around with you, it’s something that makes you doubt everything good in your life, makes it hard to trust every person in your life, makes it feel like you’re not good enough for anything or anybody.

Champ had cheated on her and of course it had hurt very much the first couple of times but, Waverly was never in love with Champ the way Nicole had been in love with Jennifer. Waverly had never been betrayed by the person she loved more than anything. She could understand Nicole’s pain, her anger, the betrayal she felt but not fully.

Waverly couldn’t fathom someone hurting Nicole like that, betraying Nicole like that. Sweet, beautiful Nicole, who had such a kind heart, who always put others before herself. Nicole, who had been through so much hurt and pain because of her family, because of her dad. Nicole, who deserved nothing but happiness and to be loved.

“I think the thing that hurt the most was that she just let me go, she let me walk out that apartment without even putting up a fight for me, five years together and she just let me walk away without a word.”

There were no tears in her eyes but her voice broke slightly and her chin trembled as she looked away from Waverly.  

She didn't like to be weak in front of people, didn't like to show the things that bothered her, hurt her. She always had to stay strong, couldn't show any weakness. It’s how she survived, how she got through her childhood, how she got through high school.

“You deserve better.”

Nicole turned back towards her, that stupid smug smile she always had when she flirted firmly in place but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“I have you, can't get much better than that.”

“Ever the charmer,” Waverly said, leaning down to press a kiss to Nicole’s forehead. “But I’m serious Nicole, you deserve better than some girl who couldn’t see that she had everything good in this world because she had you.”

“Now who’s the charmer?”

“I’m serious, Nicky, you’re good, you’re perfect and Jennifer might not have seen that but, I do.” Waverly intertwined their fingers, bringing their hands up to her mouth and placed a soft kiss on each of Nicole’s knuckles. “I see you just like you see me.”

“I’m not perfect Waves, I have issues, sometimes I let my anger get the best of me, like earlier with Champ and sometimes I’m petty, sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me.” Nicole averted her eyes from Waverly’s and began spinning the jade ring on her finger.  “I have trust issues that go far beyond what Jennifer did to me and sometimes the insecurities that I keep buried come to the surface and I need reassurance that I’m still wanted, that I’m still not good enough, I’m not perfect.”

She sounded so sure of herself, so sure that she was anything but perfect, thing was though that she was perfect in Waverly’s eyes, perfectly imperfect. She just wished that she knew how to make Nicole see it, believe it.

Yeah, Nicole was flawed but so was everyone else in the world and if anyone in this world came close to being perfect, it would be Nicole Haught.

“We all have issues Nicky, we all have flaws, it’s what makes us human but that doesn’t make you any less perfect to me.”

“How did I get so lucky?” Nicole asked, sitting up and just looking at Waverly, letting her eyes roam over that breathtaking face, slowly.

Nicole was looking at her in that way she always did, in a way that made Waverly feel like she was the most beautiful person Nicole had ever seen, in a way that made Waverly feel like she was the most important person in the world to Nicole and it never failed to make Waverly swoon.

She wondered how she never saw how Nicole felt about her before today, how she could have been so damn blind for so damn long when Nicole always looked at her like that, like she hung the moon, like she was everything.

And God, how she hoped she was everything to Nicole because Nicole was everything to her.

Nicole moved up the bed until she was laying against her pillow then patted the spot next to her. “Come lay with me?”

Waverly compiled quickly, laying her head on Nicole's chest, throwing one of her legs over Nicole's thighs as her hand slipped under Nicole's tank top and laying flat against warm, muscular abs.

This wasn't the first time they had laid together like this, exactly like this but this time it felt different.

This time they knew how each other felt, there was no pretending that they didn't have feelings for one another. This time there was no pretending that friends behaved the way they did with each other, there was no pretending that friends cuddled together like this, that friends touched as often as they did.

This time it was just them with nothing to hide and nothing to lose.

Nicole’s breathing evened out and the fingers gliding up and down Waverly’s back slowed and Waverly wanted to let her sleep but she knew that if she didn’t talk about this now, she may never talk about it and Nicole may never know.

“I was four when momma left without a word, without an explanation,” Waverly said quietly, part of her hoping Nicole was already sleeping and wouldn’t hear her and she wouldn’t have to continue, wouldn’t have to tell Nicole half truths but, she wanted Nicole to know her, every bit of her even if some of it were half truths.

She never talked about her momma with anyone, mainly because she didn’t remember much about her, other than she used to make her hot chocolate when she was sad or not feeling well, other than that she used to fight with daddy almost non-stop. But she also didn’t talk about her because it still hurt to know that she wasn’t enough to make her stay.

Nicole’s arm wrapped around her, pulling her closer to her side and she laid a kiss to her hair, silently letting her know that she was there, that she was listening.

Nicole only knew what Amy had told her about Waverly’s family. Which boiled down to, Wynonna had shot and killed their father when she was twelve and had been in and out of trouble since. That was all she knew and she didn’t ask Waverly about it, didn’t push her to talk about because she knew that Waverly would tell her when she was ready, if she was ever ready.

“She just up and left Willa, Wynonna, and me with daddy, a man who barely did sober most days and could barely raise three kids with her, let alone on his own.”

Waverly closed her eyes, focusing on the steady beating of Nicole’s heart to get through this, get the words out, to tell Nicole about her childhood, about her family.

“Some days it was like I was invisible to him, like I didn’t even exist and on the days he did see me, on the days that I did exist to him, he was mean and cruel as if he blamed me for momma leaving.” Waverly tried to keep her voice even, tried to keep her emotions in check but her voice cracked at the end and the tears she had been keeping at bay for God knows how long, spilled over, soaking into Nicole’s tank top.

Waverly never felt like an Earp when her daddy and Willa were still alive. They made her feel like an outsider in her own home, like she was a stranger living with them, like she was nothing more than a burden to them.

Wynonna had been her saving grace, the only one to make her feel like she belonged in her own home, the only one who had cared for her after momma left.

Suddenly both of Nicole’s arms were around her, holding her as tightly as she could in their position. “It’s okay, Waves, I got you baby, I got you, just let it out.”

“Then there was Willa, she was the oldest and her and Wynonna got along so well, they were the best of friends but I was an inconvenience to Willa, the mistake that tore our family apart, I was the bratty little sister who followed her and Nonna around, who just wanted to be included, to be loved, to be seen.”

Waverly could feel Nicole’s jaw clench against the top of her head, she practically feel the anger radiating off of her. And she knew that if anyone in the world could understand wanting to be included, loved and seen that it would be Nicole, who had been an outsider in her own home as well.

Their lives, their childhoods may have been completely different but they both suffered that same kind of exclusion, that same feeling of being unwanted by their family, that same loneliness that came with being treated like a stranger, like a burden by your family.

“I promise you’ll never feel excluded, never feel invisible, never feel unloved again, you’ll always be seen Waverly,” Nicole said with conviction.  

Waverly looked up at her, just barely able to see anything but her chin and jawline from this angle but she can see the determination to keep that promise in the hard set of her jaw, can almost picture the fire burning in her eyes and she felt this overwhelming need to tell Nicole that she loved her, that she always felt included, always felt seen and always, always felt loved when they are together but she doesn’t.

No matter how much she wanted to, she doesn’t say the words, it’s too soon. Instead, she kissed the edge of Nicole’s jaw and nuzzled her jawline and throat before continuing.

“Nonna, she tried to give me all the love and attention I needed, she tried to be the parent and sister I needed, she really did but she was just a kid herself, she didn’t know how to take care of herself, let alone me.”

Wynonna tried to be it all. The perfect daughter, the perfect sister who was on both Willa’s and Waverly’s side, the perfect motherly figure that Waverly needed. She tried to be everything Waverly needed and Waverly would be forever grateful that. It was one of the reason she couldn't  stay mad at Wynonna, couldn’t really blame her for leaving, for being gone for so long.

“She protected me though, from Willa and from daddy but she wasn’t always around. Sometime after momma left Willa caught me going through daddy’s dresser and promised not to tell if I walked across one of the beams in the barn.”

“What?” Nicole sat up quickly so she could get a good look at Waverly. “She made you do what?”

Nicole’s eyes looked over Waverly’s body, checking for any signs of her having fell from that beam. Sure, in her mind she knew that it had been years ago and that Waverly was okay but, that part of her that needed to protect Waverly, take care of her, keep her safe needed to see it for herself, see it with her own eyes.  

How could someone be so cruel, so hateful to make a four year old Waverly nearly kill herself over something so small, so stupid. How could anyone treat sweet, sweet Waverly like that?

Once she was done looking Waverly over, she pulled the smaller woman against her chest, holding her there tightly. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

“I only went through it for a few years Nicky, but you went through stuff like that your whole life,” Waverly mumbled against Nicole’s chest.

“That doesn’t make what you went through, your pain irrelevant, Waverly.”

“I know,” Waverly said, her arms snaking around Nicole’s waist as she nuzzled her warm, creamy skin.

There was something about being in Nicole’s arms that made talking about painful memories easier. There was something about being in Nicole’s arms that made her feel protected and safe. There was something about being in Nicole’s arms that made her feel like nothing in the world could hurt her.

There was something about being in Nicole’s arms that made Waverly feel like she belonged, like she was home .

“When I was six, these men came to the homestead, they took Willa and they dragged daddy out in the yard and Wynonna, she took daddy’s gun and tried to save them, save daddy.”

She never talked about the night Willa and her daddy was killed because no one would understand. It’s not like she could tell anyone the truth, that demons had come to the homestead and dragged her daddy and Willa out. Wynonna had tried that and all it got her was a one way ticket to a mental institution.

“But she shot your daddy on accident,” Nicole finished for her when hot tears hit her chest and Waverly’s breath hitched.

Wynonna accidentally killing their daddy when trying to save him explained that haunted look Nicole had seen in her eyes the other day. Explained why people called the Earps cursed. It explained so much and it broke her heart that both Waverly and Wynonna had to go through something like that, something so horrible at such a young age.

“How did you know?”

“People talk Wave, I try not to listen but some things get through.”

“Why don’t you listen?” Waverly pulled away to look at her.

Everyone listened to the things people said about her, about her family. It was one of the reasons Waverly had such a hard time making friends growing up, making friends now. It was why Waverly tried so hard to be what everyone wanted her to be, tried so hard to change their opinions of her.

“Everything I learn about you, everything I know about you I want to learn from you, not from the people in this town who only gossip because they don’t have anything better to do.” Nicole cupped Waverly’s face in her hands, their eyes meeting. “The things I learn from you I want to learn from moments like this, no one can tell me that your breath hitches whenever we’re this close, no one can tell me that you snore in your sleep, that you hog the bed and the blanket, no one can tell me that you find the most comfort from a hand at the small of your back.” One of Nicole’s hands left Waverly’s cheek and moved to the small of her back, bringing them closer. “No one can tell me that you sleep better when you can hear someone else’s heartbeat, no one can tell me all the things I want to know about you, so why listen?”  

There was so many things Waverly wanted to tell Nicole, wanted Nicole to know but in that moment, she couldn’t think of a single thing to say. She couldn’t think past the feel of Nicole’s hand gliding underneath her shirt, the feel of Nicole’s warm breath, that smelt of beer and popcorn, hitting her lips, the feel of Nicole’s body against hers.

She couldn’t think past the need, the want to kiss Nicole until the two of them are both gasping for air and Nicole gave her that breathtaking awestruck smile of hers, with those dimples on display.

And she was going to do just that. She was going to spend the rest of the night kissing Nicole, they could finish talking another time.

“Kiss me,” Waverly whispered, caressing the underside of Nicole’s jaw, drawing her closer.

Nicole smiled at her, tangling her fingers in the hair at the nape of Waverly’s neck and brought her closer until their lips almost touched “With pleasure.”