37. Okay

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It was almost midnight when they walked through the front door of Castle's loft and the second the door opened Martha was up from the couch and crossing the living room to wrap Kate into a tight embrace.

"Kate Darling, I'm so glad you're okay," Castle's mother muttered into the younger woman's hair, hugging her like only a mother could, with a fierceness that was almost a bit too much for Kate, because she could feel the honest worry behind it.

"Thank you Martha," she got out, fighting hard not to totally lose it in front of Castle and his mother and turn into a sobbing mess as she suddenly realized how much she had been missing a hug like this.

"You must be beyond tired," Martha observed as she pulled back, taking in Kate's pale features, the slump in her shoulders and Kate couldn't find the energy to deny it, something in the blue eyes of Castle's mother making it impossible to pretend she wasn't exhausted.

"I could use some sleep," she admitted with a weary smile.

"Then let's get you to bed," Martha stated firmly. "I already set up the guest room for you and I'm sure Richard can find you something to wear that will do for the night."

Shooting her son a pointed look, she linked her arm with Kate's and guided her towards the stairs.

"I'll just -," Castle pointed into the direction of his bedroom. "I'll be right up." He called after them before heading into the opposite direction.

"How are the girls?" Kate asked as they walked up the stairs side by side.

"I just told them something came up at work and Richard would bring you something to eat. I didn't want to worry them until we knew how you were doing. They're both fast asleep now."

"Thank you Martha," Kate sighed, relieved that at least Jamie and Alexis hadn't been scared by what had happened.

"Kate," Martha smiled reassuringly, squeezing Kate's arm, "That's what grandmothers are for. I'm more than happy to help."

Kate blinked against the sudden tears, knowing exactly that Martha's declaration did not only include Jamie and wondered what she had done to deserve this genuinely kindness, "I just want to check on her," she mumbled, pulling away from Martha who let her go and watched Kate cross the upper hallway towards the second guestroom that had now become Jamie's bedroom at the loft.

Kate quietly opened the door, slipping inside and walking over to Jamie's bed. The night light illuminating the room just enough to make out some of the changes Castle had made over the past two weeks. New wallpapers, a new bed, toys, bookshelves, curtains and Kate loved it, knew Jamie loved it as well.

Leaning over the bed, she brushed a strand of hair from her daughter's forehead before leaning down to give her a soft kiss. "I love you, Baby Bird." She whispered before retreating into the now empty hallway, Martha nowhere in sight.

The decision was made in an instant as she pushed open Alexis' door as well, sneaking in to watch over the girl's peaceful sleep for a moment, brushing away a strand of her, with the same tenderness she had showed towards her own daughter and with a reassured smile she stepped back out into the hallway, running directly into Castle.

"Hey," he said surprised, catching her at the elbow.

"I was just checking on her," Kate explained, feeling unsure if she even had a right to do so, but the smile on his face was answer enough.

"And?" He asked.

"Fast asleep, both of them," she smiled back.

"Good," he nodded placing his hand on the small of her back and guiding her down the hall towards the remaining guestroom. "Mother went home and instructed to call her tomorrow." He told her on the way.

Kate looked amused, "Instructed?"

"Ordered," he admitted with a shrug, "I got you a pair of my boxers and a shirt. I hope it'll do for tonight."

"I'm sure it will," she smiled gratefully. "Thank you Castle." She stopped him with one hand on his forearm. "For everything today, thank you."

"Always," he smiled back and the look in his eyes was so sincere, going right through all her defences and all she could do was to stare back at him, freezing when he leant down and placed the softest kiss against her lips and then pulling away so quickly, Kate wasn't even sure she hadn't just imagined it.

"Good night Kate. If you need anything, just call me," he pointed at the phone on the night stand and then he was already climbing down the stairs, leaving her alone, only she wasn't sure that's what she wanted.

Castle was staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep, his thoughts running wild, the day's events jumping around in his head. She had called for him. Even after two weeks of avoiding any serious conversation about them she'd still wanted him to be there and he hoped it meant something good for them.

There was a knock on the door, pulling him out of his thoughts and he turned his head to see Kate standing in the doorway in his clothes that were way too big for her and made her look adorable.

"Hey," he sat up in bed, "What's wrong?"

"I can't sleep," she shrugged, shuffling from one foot to the other, not moving from her post at the door.

"Well then that makes two of us," he laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but the serious look remained on her face.

"Can we talk?" She asked obviously nervous.

"Of course," he nodded, sitting up even straighter, waiting for her, but when she still didn't move from the door, he patted the spot next to him.

"Come here," he gently prodded and she finally peeled herself off his doorframe, slowly making her way over to him.

She slipped under the covers, but was careful to keep enough space between them and again he waited her out, watched her kneading her hands on top of the covers as she tried to find the right words.

"What are we doing?" She finally asked, stoically refusing to look at him.

"What do you mean?" He frowned not wanting to jump to conclusions though of course he had a pretty good idea what this was about.

"This thing between us," she clarified, her hand coming up to wave in between of them.

Castle sighed, shifting in bed so he could face her, "Kate, I want to -," but he didn't get any further than that before she cut him off.

"Castle we can't," she stated firmly and kept staring at her hands, because she knew she only had so much willpower to do the right thing here and all of that willpower would be gone once she looked at him and got lost in his blue eyes that seemed to be able to ease all her troubles. And she wasn't stupid, she knew she was already way in too deep as it was when she remembered how she had insisted that Esposito got Castle to the hospital.

"Why?" She heard him ask too softly, as if he had been expecting her to go this way, to push him away and try to forget about it. She realized she didn't like that either. "Why can't we?"

Kate swallowed, this was harder than she'd expected, so much harder, because she couldn't deny that she wanted him, that she liked being around him and that he made her feel things she'd never felt before.

"It's not only us we have to think about," she managed to get out. "What about Jamie and Alexis? What if it doesn't work? We can't let them get hurt just because we feel attracted to each other." She sounded desperate, but maybe more desperate trying to convince herself to believe her own reasoning.

He couldn't help but letting escape that little sarcastic laugh inside of him, "Kate, I think we both know that whatever it is we have, is way more than being attracted to each other. Ever since I met you I couldn't get you out of my head and I know you feel it too." His eyes bored into her, but she still wasn't looking at him.

"I'm not saying I don't feel anything," she muttered defensively, pushing a bit further away from him on her side of his bed, "but that doesn't mean we can just act on it and pretend that it only concerns us."

"And I'm not saying we should," he tried hard to control the emotions in his voice, because he wanted this so much. He took a deep breath before he continued, "I know you're scared. Believe me, I'm scared too. And I know we can't just rush into things, pretending we will be the only ones to be affected by it. I know that there is a lot at stake here."

"Then why risk it?" she asked so quietly he almost didn't hear her and for the first time he had the feeling that maybe she wanted him to convince her, that she needed him to be the one to give them that final push.

"Because Kate," he started, before making a bold move by reaching out for her hand, cradling it in his, "I also know that we could be great together. I know we can turn this into something amazing if we just really give it a chance." His free hand ran over his face as he tried to phrase his next words without totally freaking her out, "What I feel for you isn't like anything I felt before and even though I can't promise you we won't crash and burn - what I can promise is that if you give us a chance I'll do anything in my power to make you happy. You deserve to be happy Kate, all of us do. And I know we can make it happen."

For the first time ever since she had settled down next to his side she was looking at him, tears in her eyes when she choked out, "I have no idea how to do this."

Castle didn't hesitate to pull her into his side, relieved when she didn't fight him, "Kate, we don't have to rush anything. We can take this as slow as you want and if at any point you think we're going too fast we'll just take a step back."

"You make it sound so easy," she huffed out, leaning further against his shoulder, their hands still linked.

"It's not," he replied honestly. "It will be terrifying and heartbreaking sometimes, scary and all-consuming at others and at some point we both will want nothing more than to get out of it."

"Then why?" She whispered, clutching his hand so tightly it almost hurt.

"Because the heart wants what the heart wants," Castle shrugged with a soft smile playing around his lips," and for all the times when it will be amazing and wonderful, and the ones you think you will overflow with pure joy. All of the work will be worth it if it means I get to have you here with me, with us. You and Jamie."

"What about Alexis?" She asked. So much had changed already for the girl ever since the two Becketts had entered her life, she wasn't sure how much more changes she was willing to adapt to.

"Alexis loves you," Castle simply replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and as if that answer could brush away all her worries about what Alexis might think of them, "and I know you do too." Maybe it did, she thought.

He waited for her to say something, and when she didn't he added, "What Alexis and Jamie both need and want is a real family and we would be selfish if we didn't try to give it to them."

He could see her taking it all in, tossing and turning it in her head, his maybe slightly twisted reasoning, while she chewed on her bottom lip until she lifted her big green-brown eyes to meet his.

"Okay," she breathed and her heart was racing so fast and beating so loud, she was sure he could hear it as well.

"Okay?" His hopeful voice was barely a whisper.

"Okay, but we'll take it slow," she warned, yet already scooting closer, "because seriously Castle I've never done this before."

"Step by step," he confirmed, his arm sneaking further around her shoulder, his eyes boring into hers.

Her eyelids fluttered, her tongue darting out to wet her lips, "What's step one?" She whispered.

"A kiss," he murmured before his lips met hers. The kiss was soft as they moved slowly, her hands reaching up to cup his cheeks and from there moving to the back of his neck, fingers running through the short hair she found there. His arms were surrounding her, pulling her closer until she was flush against his chest and the kiss got deeper, more passionate as his tongue darted out, running over her bottom lip, his teeth nibbling lightly until she opened her mouth to him on a groan and he delved in.

And they both knew they were doomed, because nothing would ever be able to compare to this and there was simply no turning back now. They both were scared to mess it up, knew that it wouldn't be easy, but Castle had been right, the possibility of how great they could be together if they could make it work was too good to let it just pass by.

When they finally parted, they were both panting heavily and her fingers reached out to dance over his swollen lips, still in awe that they were actually doing this.

"Wow," she breathed.

"It gets better every time," he agreed, darting forward one last time to place another quick kiss on her lips and then retreating to his side of the bed, before he would do something that would totally contradict the idea of taking it slow.

Kate still sat in the middle of his bed, neither of them having any idea how they had ended up there, the covers scrambled around their hips and they stared at each other, both unsure of what should come next.

"It's late," Castle finally pointed out the obvious, "and you need some sleep."

She nodded, but he could see there was something else on her mind.

"Kate?" He asked softly and she looked at him.

"Can I stay?" She asked tentatively, unsure which step sleeping in your - boyfriend's?- bed was on the list. But she didn't want to be alone tonight, the day's events still heavy on her mind and aching around her heart. She had been doing this alone for so long, she just didn't want to anymore. Not when he was here, offering everything she was willing to take.

Castle simply scooted down, back under the covers, holding them up for her to do the same and once they were settled in facing each other he reached out for her hand that was tucked away under her pillow. He laced their fingers together, resting their joined hands between them.

"Good Night Kate." He whispered, a smile on his face as she smiled back before she scooted just a bit closer and closed her eyes, falling asleep immediately.

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