36. Fears

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Castle was running down the long white corridor leading to the ER section of the Presbyterian Hospital, hoping someone down there would be able to tell him where she was, while his heart was pounding so fast in his chest he feared he might just pass out, right here in the middle of the hospital.

Only once before had he felt the same kind of panic and agony, when Alexis had broken her arm three years ago falling from a jungle gym. But he had been with her the whole time back then and knew that apart from having to wear a cast for a couple of weeks his baby girl would be fine. Right now he knew nothing, nothing but that Kate was somewhere here in this hospital and he needed to see her.

Stopping in the waiting area he glanced around looking for a nurse or a doctor, his eyes landing on a Hispanic looking man, pacing in front of a door to his right. Something caught Castle's attention and glancing back it took him only a second to see the badge dangling from the man's neck. He was a cop.

Rushing over he caught the man's arm, causing him to spin around and nearly knocking Castle to the ground in the process.

"Whatcha doing, man?" The Hispanic growled at him, but Castle ignored his tone.

"Rick Castle," he got out, still breathing heavily from his run and the adrenaline, "did you call me about Kate?"

"Beckett?" the other man's whole demeanor changed in an instant. "Yeah that was me. Esposito," he held out his hand for Castle, who rather on instinct shook it. "I was working with her today on that Vice OP."

"What happened? How is she?" Castle asked, still glancing around to see if he could find a nurse, someone in charge, anyone.

"She's a bit shaken up, needed some stitches, hit her head but nothing too bad. She'll be just fine." Esposito summed it up. "But she was pretty insistent to get you here. You her boyfriend or something?"

Castle ignored the last question, but felt himself calm down a little with the new information. She would be okay, nothing too bad.

"Where is she?"

"They told me they would come and get me once they have settled her into a room," Kate's partner explained and only now Castle saw that he looked a bit battered himself.

"What happened?" He asked and saw the Hispanic tense at the question.

"Those guys we were supposed to be observing got the drop on us. Rookie mistake I guess," he tried to play it down but Castle could see the shame in the man's eyes. "I had to knock two other guys out before I could get to Beckett. That guy had a pretty tight hold on her. I mean Beckett - she's good, you know, really tough," Castle saw respect, maybe even admiration flashing over the man's face, "she's one of the best I've ever worked with, but that bastard was twice as big as her, heavy and he had a knife. She didn't stand a chance against him."

"But you helped her?" Castle's asked, surprisingly calm, looking at the man in front of him who seemed to struggle with his role in all of this. He seemed to be a bit older than Kate, maybe three, four years and something about him screamed former military, which meant he was used to being in control.

"Yeah, I got him off her. Just wished I had gotten there sooner," Esposito stated, looking down on the floor.

Just as Castle was about to say something in reply, the door to their right opened and a man, way too young and way too good looking to be a doctor in Castle's opinion, stepped through.

"Officer Esposito?" He asked looking up from his chart, his eyes meeting first Castle's then the ones of the guy he was looking for.

"Yo, that's me." Esposito stepped forward. "How is she?"

"Officer," the doctor nodded, "I'm Dr. Davidson," the doctor's eyes landed on Castle who had inched closer to them, "and you are?"

"Castle, Richard Castle," he rushed out, "I'm her -."

"He's her boyfriend," Esposito cut him off, shooting him a look that told him to just go along and so he did, not wanting to deal with hospital policies himself.

"Alright then," the doctor nodded, "why don't you come follow me. I'll show you to her room."

They set into motion, walking down the corridor behind the door Dr. Davidson had emerged from.

"So how is she?" Castle asked again, since the doctor hadn't answered Esposito's earlier question.

"The cut on her right forearm needed some stitches, but luckily we could just use steri-strips on the cut above her eye so that should heal in no time. Right now I'm waiting for the results of the CT scan, since Officer Beckett said she hit her head pretty bad," Castle winced, that didn't sound good, "but she's not showing any signs of a concussion, so if the scan comes up negative she doesn't necessarily has to stay the night for observation, something she wouldn't be quite keen of as she has informed me. But it would be good if she weren't alone, at least tonight, just in case." Dr. Davidson looked at Castle.

"Sure," he nodded, "that's not a problem."

"Good," the doctor seemed satisfied, stopping in front of a door to their right. "I'll come back as soon as I have the CT results. Until then you might want to keep her some company." He pointed at the door and left.

"Maybe it's best you go in alone," Esposito suggested.

"Are you sure?" Castle frowned.

"Yeah, I'll be right outside," Kate's partner nodded, already moving over to the bench on the other side of the hallway. "Tell her I said hi."

Castle nodded, before turning to knock on Kate's door.

"Come in," he heard her strong voice and instantly felt himself relax further. She really sounded okay.

Pushing the door open and stepping into the room, his eyes found hers, noticing she looked pale and tired, but aside from the bandage on her arm and the strips over her left brow, she looked unharmed.

"Castle," she breathed out in relief and it was all it took to let his feet carry him to her side, reaching for her hand.

"Kate, you got me really worried," he blurted out without thinking, feeling her hand squeeze his.

"I know," she mumbled, "I'm sorry."

He shook his head, "How are you?"

"I'm fine," she huffed, her eyes blinking furiously and he knew she was everything else but certainly not fine.

"Kate," he whispered, sitting down at the edge of the bed and she scooted over to give him more room as they both leant against the upright headrest, their hands still linked.

"I was really scared," she admitted quietly, clutching his left hand to her chest, while his other arm sneaked around her shoulders, pulling her close. "I should've ... he shouldn't have gotten the drop on me, that was stupid."

"Shhh," he tried to soothe her. "Esposito told me what happened, he said there was no way you could have taken that guy."

"But -," Castle shook his head, stopping her.

"No buts. It' over. You're okay."

"It has never been this close before," he heard her stutter and knew she tried hard to keep the tears at bay.

"I know," he sighed and didn't even want to think about what it would have meant if she hadn't made it home, if Esposito hadn't been there to save her. But she was a cop and this was her reality, it probably wouldn't be the last time she'd find herself in a hospital. "But you made it and you're here. It's not doing you any good thinking about the what ifs."

At that she pushed herself off of him, her eyes suddenly desperate yet determined, "But I have to Castle. We have to. What if I don't make it home one day?"

"You will," he sounded a bit desperate himself now, because anything else was just unthinkable.

"We both know there's no guarantee," she said and he knew she was right. Cop or no cop there was never a guarantee. Neither for him or her.

"I want - we need to have that all sorted out," she demanded. "Legally. I'm not sure a paternity test will be enough in case ... ," she trailed off, gathering her thoughts before she tried again. "If something happens to me, we have to make sure you're going to keep Jamie and that you won't have to go to court or anything like that."

"Kate," he tried to get to her, but she wouldn't let him.

"No Castle, I need to know that this is sorted out and if you have to file for shared custody to insure that then that's what we'll do. I -," he pulled her close, her head coming to rest under his chin, affectively shutting her up.

"I promise Kate, we'll work that all out, but not tonight, okay?" He waited for his words to sink in. "I'll get my lawyer to work on it and he can tell us what options we have and we'll take it from there. It's been fine for the past two years, it can wait a couple of days more."

He could feel her shoulders shaking and he pulled her closer, "We'll work something out." He mumbled, wondering what would happen to Jamie in a situation like this, if he hadn't found his way into their lives.

They were both silent for a while, Castle's hand running soothing patterns on her back, while she was nestled against his chest, letting his steady heartbeat soothe her. He had to admit he was a bit surprised that she let him in so willingly right now, after keeping him at arm's length for the past two weeks, but maybe she had needed just a little push towards him. Anyway he was happy she wanted him here with her.

"You know," she spoke after a while, "Your name is in my last will."

"Huh?" Castle raised his head slightly, trying to look at her.

"After Jamie was born, I included your name in my will in case I ...," she took a deep breath. "I guess I wanted for you two to have a chance. I wanted her to have someone if I wasn't there anymore. I don't know. It sounds stupid now when I think about the fact that I didn't tell you about her all this time."

"It's not stupid," he breathed, emotions swinging heavy in his word. "It's not stupid." And with her revelation some lingering ache around his heart eased away, because he knew. In this moment he knew she would have told him, she might not even know it herself, but one day she would have come to him to tell him about their daughter.

Their comfortable silence was disturbed by a knock on the door and after a few seconds Dr. Davidson entered her room, holding the CT scan of Kate's head in his hand, greeting both of them.

Reluctantly Castle let go of her, climbing out of the bed to stand next to her as he watched the doctor putting the scan up on the light box.

"It's all looking normal," Dr. Davidson explained quickly. "So as long as you promise me to stay with your boyfriend tonight, I have no reason to keep you here."

"Boyfriend?" Kate's brows shot up, her eyes darting to Castle who just shook his head, his eyes twice as big as hers.

"I'll make sure of that," he told the doctor instead of answering Kate's question, shaking the man's hand, "thank you."

"You're welcome," he smiled, moving over to shake Kate's hand as well. "A couple of days rest and you'll be as good as new."

"Thanks," she muttered, her eyes still staring at Castle as the doctor left the room with one last look at her. She knew he had been flirting with her, ever since he started to work on her stitches, but all she remembered was that he was currently doing his internship and wanted to become a heart surgeon, she hadn't listened to the rest.

"Boyfriend?" She asked again, but he noted she didn't seem to be too upset.

"Esposito said it," he defended himself nevertheless. "I didn't have anything to do with it."

"Okay," she nodded and could see his surprise for giving in so quickly, but she was just too tired and if she was honest it didn't matter anyway. "Just take me home." She sighed, already climbing out of bed, apparently unaware of her current state of clothing. The hospital gown she was wearing was not hiding much.

"Okay," he nodded, quickly turning away. "I'll just wait outside."

Castle left her alone and she got back into the clothes she had worn for the observation, thankfully she hadn't posed as a hooker this time and her outfit was usual street wear, dirty from her fight but it would be okay for now. She just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a couple of hours.

As Castle stepped into the hallway he took a deep breath, glad that apart from a few stitches and bruises she was physically okay. What worried him a bit was her emotional state. He had never seen her so desperate and vulnerable before, not even on that night when she had come clean about the past. He made a promise to himself to talk to her about it, once she was rested and feeling better.

"Yo Castle," Esposito called from the end of the hallway where he was standing with another officer in uniform next to him. As the man looked up, Castle recognized Kate's training officer Royce.

"Great," Castle muttered to himself, before he made his way over.

"How is she?" Royce asked before he could even reach them.

"She's okay," Castle replied. "A couple of days rest and she will be fine the doctor said."

"Okay, good," the older man nodded and Castle could see the sincere relief washing over his face.

"I'll take her home and make sure, she gets some rest," Castle went on, not sure why he felt the need to fill Royce in on the details.

But to Castle's surprise Royce lifted his hand and patted him on the shoulder, "Jamie's with you as well?"

"Yes, my mother is home with the girls," he confirmed and received another nod from Royce.

"Good," he muttered.

Esposito was looking from one man to the other, confusion all over his face, "Girls? You guys have kids?"

"One," Castle nodded, feeling he owed the younger man something for getting Kate out of there alive, "the other is my daughter."

"Oh," was all Esposito could manage in reply, before his eyes met Kate's who had stepped out into the hallway looking for Castle.

"Hey Espo," she smiled, putting on a brave face for her colleagues before turning to Royce, surprised, "What are you doing here?"

"What I'm doing here?" He raised his voice, receiving a stern look for it from a nurse who was just passing by, "I hear over the radio that two officers have been attacked and that one of them happens to me my partner. What do you mean what I'm doing here? I was worried. I told you those Vice guys would get you into trouble."

Kate sighed, she really wasn't in the mood to have that argument again, "Royce, they got the drop on us, that's hardly Vice's fault."

"They sent two rookies without back-up to spy on one of New York's most powerful drug syndicates. They are using you guys as canon fodder and you let them. You're lucky you had Esposito with you, any other rookie and you both could have been dead."

She knew he was right and maybe tonight had been the wake-up call she needed to act upon that realisation but right now she just wanted to get out of here.

"Take her home," Royce muttered to Castle and then speaking to Kate he added, "Montgomery doesn't want to see you until Tuesday." And with that he disappeared down the corridor.

She turned to Esposito, deciding she would deal with Royce another time, "Thanks Espo, for having my back."

"Sure Beckett, anytime," he smiled back, before holding out his hand to Castle.

"Nice meeting you Castle, take care of her," and with one last nod to them he followed Royce.

They stood there for a while, before Castle grabbed her hand, pulling her with him.

"Let's get you home." He spoke softly and she followed willingly.

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