Comments of chapter undefined of Dread Sovereign: Monster Girl Harem
Dread Sovereign: Monster Girl Harem
Duke_Asmodeus
Chapter comments18
Nice, Nice, Nice! I really enjoy the stories you write, so big thumb-up for your work. But since this is the end of Volume one I will use it to give bit of hopefully constructive critics... - First and foremost: please try to keep things in your descriptions contineous. Ecspecially if yo want a mysterious work, where readers pick up infos to puzzel together the bigger picture, it is just disturbing to always stumbel upon incongrueties in the describtions. Like 'Flaming Cave' was supposed to be ab Kobold habitat, but there were gray goblin like creatures with four arms in the encounters. No problem in and of itselfe, if the MC would at least wonder about this, since he had other information. Or the state of his clothing. You like to dirty, destroy, or damage his clothes quite often, but you never say when he changes them, if he does so and how he does it. Like after the 3rd dungeon, where his clothes were quiete heavily destroyes with him being bare-chested... but without explanation in a later scene he uses his jacket to cover Emely... From where did this jacket appear? Or he used his back to catch a wave of dirty water to protect Emely from it... But he went to a high-class restaurant with this dirt soaked clothes? Or Emely suddenly has a purse, quiete a heavy one after the date... Where did this appear from? Did she carry it with her to the dungeon? I know this quite the heavy battering here from me, but these examples should just show how man incongrueties there were in the last part of the volum One alone. I also recognize that it is quite a chalange to keep details in mind while writing chapter by chapter over a couple of days. But try it, if nessecary with hand written notes, because it would increase the grade of your work, the immersivnes for the reader highly, by a landslide. ---- Secondly you have a tendency of picture-describing. This is more a personal thing, but in my opinion this does not work to well if done to often. You use it with preference to describe MCs appearence over and over again, where an Image would be much better suited, and no these two are not interchangeable, at least not every time. Overly descriptions of visuals from a picture is not something that should appear in a novel over and over again. And my personal cringe-top is the repeated glorification of the MC appearence without a reason or a person seeing him. Perhaps he is your type, or you would like to be like him and it is a bit of dream-sequence for you, but... at least put these in the context of the novel, as something observed by a relevant other character and as their interpretation. But, as I said, this second point is mainly a personal one about less being more, because I can not stand "bulking mucles under ebony skin" without a reason anymore... ---- Third, you should try to be a bit more cautious about "tempo" or "reactions" from the surroundings. I noticed it in "Ghoulking" already, but you tend to ignore the surrounding reactions once the MC does something by himself or with another person. It aperas like the whole world is waiting for him to finish this, before continuing. Quite the polite thugs, enemies or higher positioned personel, even normal people, who do not take action while they are being ignored for a whole five minutes or so.---- Well, that is it about me crunchign you. Please keep up the good work, because the story is nice and I like it... But try to improve youselfe as an author all the time ;-)
