Comments of chapter undefined of Star Immortal
Star Immortal
Black_phoenix8
Chapter comments12
A few issues with perspective. Some sentences swap between using he and my randomly. The Ai was introduced before the MC, which while a bit strange, still worked. I would advise editing the first few chapters, after all, these first chapters are what hook readers and make them want to continue reading. The premise of the story was good though đ.
There's a ton of editing that could be done to improve the text but it's mostly readable. On the top of the list though should be removing any sentence that breaks the 4th wall. "Yes, you dont have to guess..." Any sentence that addresses the reader can probably just be deleted. If you feel that you need a transition or it has necessary information, consider rewriting the sentence so that it doesnt include 'you' or 'yes'. Yes in dialogue is fine, but when it's used in narration it's purpose is to assume an understanding of what the reader is thinking and affirm that they're correct. This tends to create distance between the reader and the text.
