Review Detail of SolemnFox in Interdimensional Mercenary (SAS 4 Zombie Assault Fanfic)

Very cool idea and it hooked me until I read the first couple chapters. The author does more telling than showing. Example of telling instead of showing: He went to get a smoke then he bought a ticket and then he died. When he woke up he was scared because he just died. More showing less telling: The moment his feet left the concrete, he knew something was wrong. There was an unsettling absence of gravity, like he had been sucked into a void. Looking down, he saw his body, limp and lifeless on the ground. Confusion and fear gripped him as he realized he had died.