Review Detail of Shuilan in Getting a rewrite kinda

The idea is great, but the execution is not so much, you have to remember that those who read this work know nothing about Dragon Age. The problem of puctuation is easy to adress you just have to try reading what is written out loud, you feel out of breath? It is because you missed punctuation, same when you pause mid speach when speaking out loud, use this ",". Because the background was not developed, people get lost compleatly every chapter due to time jumps. If you read a comic you hace visual support same with a game, you also get deacriptions of what is happening in between but with written novel/story you have to describe what is necessary for people to understand the context. If I knew nothing of Dragon age I would think Ferelden was a town next door to the Tevonter Imperium wich is not. In this case either have an image of Thedas world map or describe the geographic locations, give bits of history so we do know why elves are dissatisfied. Develop your characters since we know nothing about the kid who died, or the kid he became after being reborn, no one even knows what child of mana and friend of spirits does exactly (taking into account people are reading this work fresh with no context). Instead of telling the tale of the child that died and was reborn you seem to want to hurry the story by jumping years ahead. I would advise that a timetable be built with marking and/or important events and then you could spin the story slowly without skipping 15 years in 6 chapters. I did not read beyond, it was a major turn off, since a kid that lived life in bed after being reborn didnt enjoy childhood until he was 15. It is counter intuitive to the inicial narrative. I hope you can Improve and research the basics of: 1-world building (hell the games have everything in the codex and you can also check online), 2-character development, 3-life in Thedas, 4- geografic locations/travle time, 5-story development ( I say this because in one chapter you speak of Fan'heral and the next the kid is 15 in a rebelion makes no sense to me) I actively encorage you to continue but take this as a script to write a working and logical story from a reader's perspective. I apoligise if I was too direct or insensitive. Have a good day.