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veejuon

veejuon

Lv2
2023-05-21 JoinedUnited States
-d

Writing

1.7h

of reading

62

Read books

Badges

3

Moments

4
  • veejuon
    veejuon2mth
    Commented

    I don't think you need an extra world in the dialogue feels repetitive

    This paragraph has been deleted.
    Coming Down From Olympus
    Fantasy ¡ Tsukasa0
    detail
  • veejuon
    veejuon2mth
    Posted

    There was a lot of mistakes in grammar, the dialogue felt out of place, it felt unnatural, the father and mother spoke in a way that didn't show affection only just saying lore or explaining what a thing is and what it can do. I recommend that you show not tell, for example when the father introduced the AI aspect, you could've made him show what it could instead of just telling what it can do. overall its not bad, for a non-native English speaker this is actually very advance nice job!

    This book has been deleted.
  • veejuon
    veejuon2mth
    Commented

    Going to be honest, it felt like you were describing a story youve heard instead of telling a story/ info dumping, but the characters felt alive and very detailed. good job👍

    Ch 1 Simple Life
    Chaotic Lands
    Eastern ¡ InAutumn
    detail
  • veejuon
    veejuon1yr
    Commented

    This is next up for sureeeee

    Ch 1 Chapter One : To Xima
    Project XIMA
    Sci-fi ¡ RorowEd
    detail