webnovel
avatar
0
ShoeInk

ShoeInk

Lv1

Just a weeb, casually strolling through life with no plans in mind. Check out my novels if you want (some may not update for a while, be aware of that).

2021-09-19 JoinedUnited States
-d

Writing

-h

of reading

260

Read books

Badges

3

Moments

20
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Replied to Nerdy_Joker_101

    An interesting way to interpret Melissa. She is rather brazen, considering what she attempted to do. Why it is, well, it's the old trope of following the pretty girl, you know? And of course, what she did interested Travis, so yeah. It will all come together, probably in chapter 22 or so.

    altalt
    Where Are You, My Author?
    Urban · ShoeInk
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Replied to ShoeInk

    When I say overall, I mean the previous two chapters.

    Ch 3 Restarting my life
    altalt
    Transmigration: From baby to teenager
    Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Posted

    So, read up to chapter six. My thoughts thus far: Writing quality: 4/5. Other than a few misspellings here and there, there's not much to complain about. Good use of grammar, attention to basic editing points, etc. etc. Story development: 2/5. Could definitely be better. Mostly "telling" vs "showing", which is a no-no. Describe your character's experiences through action and dialogue, not a wall of expositionary text. Character design: 3/5. Beyond the basic characterization in the first chapter, there isn't much to our MC. Quite stale, honestly. Not through any fault of her own, it's the lack of continuous interaction with anyone and missing plot points that could've been had. World background: 2/5: Mafia organization, school, and... removing tattoos? That's about all that I remember of it. When that's what your readers are thinking, there's something wrong that needs fixing. Overall, 3.2 is pretty reasonable. With a little work, it could go a long way, I think. Just not right now, though.

    altalt
    Transmigration: From baby to teenager
    Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    So far, four chapters of all telling and no showing. You need scenes that walk your readers through your character's experiences, not walls of text explaining how someone thinks or what they did. Show what they did through action and a heavy sprinkling of dialogue. What did she say to her mother, to promise to be at the top? That would be something interesting to know. How did they interact? Was it moving, or was it the rigid expectations of a strict mother?

    Ch 4 Restarting my life 2
    altalt
    Transmigration: From baby to teenager
    Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    A somewhat confusing shift in pov. Maybe you're going to fix this in the future? Or if you're going to keep it in, you need to tie it to the overall 3rd person narration, maybe through a self-introduction? I don't know, it's just awkward.

    Ch 3 Restarting my life
    altalt
    Transmigration: From baby to teenager
    Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    This is missing an engaging, eye-catching opening first statement. Try asking a question, or posing a short statement that engages the reader in thought, before you jump into your exposition. It makes the tedium that much easier to read.

    Lilith was an eight year old orphan. She lived in Saint Mary's orphanage. Lucky for her, she had been adopted by Mr and Mrs Anderson. The couple were a middle ranked American family. Mr Anderson was a medical practitioner while Mrs Anderson was a teacher at Beverly Hills High School.
    altalt
    Transmigration: From baby to teenager
    Urban · Nerdy_Joker_101
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Replied to POW

    Well, that's really up to you, now isn't it? With the progression as it is now, it's almost impossible to do it any other way, unless somehow those on the outside are able to talk to those on the inside (that, or Lorn is removed from the system and brought back for, I don't know, a "check-up" to see if he's suffering symptoms as the 80% do). But if there was a way to cut down on some of the info-dumping, I would certainly try to work it in. Sometimes it's hard not to, and I get it. Exposition is necessary to clear up misunderstood context.

    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Posted

    Read up to chapter 6. My thoughts are thus: Quality: 5/5. Pretty easy rating to give, the writing and editing quality is superb. Not a jot or a title out of place. Development: 3/5. Not to say that it isn't interesting, but there's a lot, and I mean, A LOT, of exposition and "telling" as opposed to "showing", though I assume that beyond where I stopped is better about it. Not that exposition is bad, it's just, y'know, abused a little. I'm just one of those kinds of guys that despise walls of text, sue me. Character design: 4/5. I haven't really seen much of our main character other than his personality, which so far is pretty interesting. World Background: 4/5. Other than a few glimpses of his interactions with those in the real world, there wasn't much, but I'm assuming most of the world-building will come in later chapters. Overall, deserves a 4.2 in my opinion. Keep up the good work, it's got potential.

    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    Like those bad simulator games on steam where literally every one of the characters looks the same. What gets me is how some depict "children" as miniaturized adult assets. It's like looking at an insect next to its nymph. Cringeworthy, but hilarious at the same time.

    'Not to mention the people here looking exactly the same…' Lorn muttered, looking around.
    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    I actually know some people that think that everyone around them is an NPC. Yes, they do exist. Let that sink in.

    Ch 4 The Explorer
    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    And so the grind begins. Wonder if this clay makes an endgame tier weapon. Knowing games, it's not impossible. *stares at Terraria*

    "Fucking video games…" he murmured before picking it up.
    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    Hate to think what would happen in the event of a brownout. Seriously, everyone's having an out-of-body experience here. Going to get sent to their maker prematurely if it did happen.

    Now he could see what Reina meant. This definitely was a big surprise. And it was also very profitable, considering how big the gaming industry was, and how far the technology involved was being pushed. As long as they could solve the 80% chance of getting brain damage, the game built thanks to the #008 – 3 could be a huge success.
    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    "We're gonna build a wall..." Forgive me, I had to. Lorn must be a connoisseur of walls to notice its quality so easily.

    'Though to be fair, this town thing does have a pretty nice wall…'
    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Replied to ShoeInk

    I say "real world" with tongue in cheek. Of course, this isn't the real world, but technically speaking, it wouldn't quite work with simple conventional computing.

    Ch 3 The Pioneer
    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    Good lord, that was a lot of exposition. The majority of it made sense, but some things didn't. Like how Reina explains that they can copy consciousnesses, and yet they can only produce one copy. That sounds less like copying, and more like extraction. A ctrl + x instead of a ctrl + c, as it were. The Alicization arc of SAO did something similar, though they explained it with special fluctlight machines that modeled the brain, which had brain-like qualities because they were quantum machines. I don't know if that's what you're going for here, but simple "digital machines" wouldn't cut it in the real world. Might be something of a plot hole? Not sure.

    Ch 3 The Pioneer
    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    Loan + shark. Literally in the name. Nice metaphor though.

    "The victim needs to be careful," he said. "He can't be too loud. Because if the debtors see him again, he's going back to that miserable life once again. In fact, they've already seen him. They're like sharks. They don't let go unless they've eaten you whole."
    altalt
    Falling Cosmos
    Games · POW
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Replied to ShoeInk

    I say Revelations, but only the parts where there's like "the trumpet of the lord" and such, where the Archangel Michael blows the trumpet that signals the end of the world.

    Seijun: I will lose control of my self and in the worst scenario, I could destroy the Earth. it's called SCREAM OF AN ANGEL.
    altalt
    The Scream of an Angel(canceled)
    Action · KusouInari
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Commented

    I feel like you could draw a lot of inspiration from Revelations of the bible with this theme. Not to proselytize anyone or anything, but it would make for a very thematic storyline. I sense a great deal of potential with the idea you're going with.

    Seijun: I will lose control of my self and in the worst scenario, I could destroy the Earth. it's called SCREAM OF AN ANGEL.
    altalt
    The Scream of an Angel(canceled)
    Action · KusouInari
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Posted

    Alrighty. So a bit of a disclaimer before I get into the meat and potatoes of my review here. First of all, I am NO expert in the field of literature. Most of the time, I go by my gut, so my takes aren't exactly as on point as others. That said, maybe that's a good thing because of the forthrightness of it all. Furthermore, this is my first review, so bear with me if my interpretations of some portions are off-base. Writing quality I put at a 3/5. I think the reasoning is fairly straightforward here, there are quite a few grammatical and punctuation errors. It's nothing to feel bad about, or even get upset over, as none of them really broke the immersion too much. I noticed as the chapters wore on, that they gradually started to disappear, which made me believe it was actually an intentional technique of indicating Reverie's mental state. Turns out, I may have been wrong on that interpretation, but hey, I can still dream right? Stability of updates? I only just read it, so wouldn't know, so I'll give it a 5 because why not. The story was intriguing, to say the least. I'm unsure if you've ever read this manhua before, but some parts of your novel remind me of Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint. This novel has a lot of the same themes I really enjoyed from it. So good on you for making something that brought back good memories! Character design is good but somewhat lacking, why do I say that. Well, although I'm not experienced in the craft of character making, one thing I noticed throughout the available chapters is the, how should I put this... presence from Reverie. Maybe that's intentional, so I won't cramp the style (maybe I'm simply off-put by the style, which is no skin off your back). Though I thought her brazenness was rather hilarious. "Won't take me to your ruler? Imma smash some stuff!" World background is for the same reasons for the most part. I felt it was somewhat awkward trying to get a feel for what happened after the train crash. Everything was on fire, yeah... but was there anything else besides that? Or was that all Reverie could see? That scene could do with some more elaboration. And that's about it. 4.2/5 overall. There's a lot of potential to it. As a writer, I could never have come up with some of the themes it has, I might consider reading further if there's more, just for reference purposes, of course... totally not because I enjoyed a good deal of it.

    altalt
    ◇Dark Souls◇
    Fantasy · Rya_kishou
    detail
  • ShoeInk
    ShoeInk2yr
    Posted

    The first story I've ever written and ventured to share with the world. To anyone who reads it, feel free to blast it with all the critiques you want. While my writing is severely lacking, I hope the story itself will at least interest you.

    altalt
    Talents in Dystopia
    Urban · ShoeInk
    detail