Mogickan
Lonely book reader and hobbyist writer.
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Mogickan3dReplied to DaoistGreenOnionIts not a problem, we all gotta learn somewhere. XD.
As they stood on a sightseeing pier, as the others were talking excitedly and Wu Long was sitting with Ye Ling on a bench, Luo Mingyu approached them with some slight hesitation.- Mogickan6dCommented
Who sighed with relief here? Was it yu ling or lou mingyu?
Ye Ling smiled and gave her a nod of approval while standing up and giving them some time to talk alone. As she went a little into the distance she sighed with relief that it did not come to a situation where they had to intervene and she was able to come to a point of talking to him on her own. - Mogickan6dCommented
Try this version of this paragraph. It flows better and might help you write better and give us readers a better story by virtue of contrast. “Sometime later the girls were standing on a sightseeing pier while Wu Long was sitting with Ye Ling on a bench. Lou Mingyu approached the two with hesitant steps.” As you can see i added words to indicate time passing, specified the girls as the knes standing since wu ling wasnt. And turned the comma afyer bench to a period to finish setting the scene. The next sentance is the action that is about to occur. Feel free to use my version of the paragraph. Do let me know if my version flows better to you or if my reasoning for my changes helps you out. XD
As they stood on a sightseeing pier, as the others were talking excitedly and Wu Long was sitting with Ye Ling on a bench, Luo Mingyu approached them with some slight hesitation. - Mogickan6dReplied to DaoistGreenOnion
Ur welcome. XD
This paragraph has been deleted. - Mogickan8dCommented
Confrontingly smiled? Do you mean comfortingly?
This paragraph has been deleted. - Mogickan8dCommented
Hmm, just a suggestion but put a period after “gait”. Replace “she got to the point between his legs” part with “She approached his legs” or something more casual. Or maybe leave it the way it is since j tried thinking of alternate ways ti say it and they all seem more jarring and off than the kne you already had. remove “from anticipation” since it is (to me) jarring and interups the flow.
This paragraph has been deleted. - Mogickan12dCommented
I must say, your style of writing lemons is so descriptive that my brain finds it hard to imagine it and i have to stop and focus on what i am reading and reread the same paragraoh several times before i can see it. Probably cause i am so used to the emotion style where the descriptions are designed to invoke emotions in the reader. But at the same time, i cant help but feel like the scenes are disjointed and could be worded better. Its hard to put into words this feeling or pinpoint what about it makes me feel that way. Hmm. Maybe it is the flow? How the scene flows or maybe it is bit of over describing? I just cant tell.
Ch 89 (R18) I will be gentle - Mogickan12dReplied to DaoistGreenOnion
Ur welcome, the novel is great. XD
Thus he had to expand his power horizontally, meaning become stronger while staying in the same realm. He thought of another auxiliary cultivation technique he could use at the moment. Since he would cultivate with Ye Ling and hopefully Sui Luxiao anyway, the energy he could not use for a cultivation base could be used for a method of increasing power without advancing. - Mogickan13dReplied to DaoistGreenOnion
It was mentioned at least 3 times that i recall.
Thus he had to expand his power horizontally, meaning become stronger while staying in the same realm. He thought of another auxiliary cultivation technique he could use at the moment. Since he would cultivate with Ye Ling and hopefully Sui Luxiao anyway, the energy he could not use for a cultivation base could be used for a method of increasing power without advancing. - Mogickan13dReplied to
As someone who is binge reading right now, i can tell you it was with yue(the manager) and i think ye ling as well.
Thus he had to expand his power horizontally, meaning become stronger while staying in the same realm. He thought of another auxiliary cultivation technique he could use at the moment. Since he would cultivate with Ye Ling and hopefully Sui Luxiao anyway, the energy he could not use for a cultivation base could be used for a method of increasing power without advancing. - Mogickan13dCommentedAs her moans were getting louder and sharper, he pinched her pink pearl and her lower body went up, gushing with abundant amounts of Yin Qi to the bedsheets all the way to the edge of the bed. She screamed with delight at her first orgasm from the touch of a man.
- Mogickan17dReplied to GodOfDeath1999Ch 49 Fairy Xiang Yun (1)
- Mogickan30dCommentedCh 155 Volume 10 : PROLOGUE
- Mogickan1mthCommented
Nah. She already made the first move with that wink. Lol
'So we are watching in her room! Awesome! That way, I'll be able to make the first move and see how she reacts.' Asher smiled in his heart, excited. - Mogickan1mthCommented
Ass->was ?
And besides, the only way they would get caught ass if he wanted them to get caught or if they happened to be getting spied on by a powerful expert that intentionally went through a lot to not alert his spread-out senses. - Mogickan1mthCommented
Ans -> and?
Raising her head and howling at the dawning sky, Zayda forgot to try for decorum ans really, Evian did not care either way. If they happened to get caught, he was much too shameless to care. He saw no reason he would need to feel ashamed that he was bringing a lover of his to pleasure, especially to strangers he had not even exchanged words with. - Mogickan1mthCommented
Forgot the v in evian’s name
"~Oh Yes— YESSSS~" Zayda groaned out loud and E Ian simply encouraged with even more enthusiastic squeezes of her tits. - Mogickan1mthCommented
Typos in here… what is “his be we”?
Evian was at first disappointed to no longer have the funbags in his hold but was quickly appeased by his be we of Zayda's ass in all its rambling glory. Every strike it made against his crotch and the very lower part of his stomach, caused the voluminous backside to ripple. - Mogickan1mthCommented
She spoke up? I dont see her saying anything… author i think you let your imagination get carried away and forgot to write a few scenes. Lol
Assuming control of the Array Eye, Eren lightened Alephee's load upon his appearance within the Array Formation. As she observed Eren, she spoke up.