CH2 - Hope and Loneliness

My eyes are shut as I explore the vacancy within my heart.

I open them only to notice complete rain and darkness. An uncomfortable and innocent silence surrounds me as I float within this dark void pitch darkness, just rain, and no sources of light.

This vacancy in my heart is that of which I already knew of. What else is there within my heart? That myself I do not understand. What is the purpose of living without that once warm feeling within your heart? The warmth that of friendship and kinship can bring within your heart?

Without such a feeling you acquire a heart of loneliness.

"Have you lost that which you had finally acquired." A soft, tenderly and affectionate voice asked.

"..."

"Limitless. Once that you have acquired the heart of loneliness, your path to success or ruin has already been set. This is only one of many pains you shall face in the future, the heart of loneliness shall facilitate the feelings of loss you shall feel in the future. However, without perseverance, loneliness may lead you to ruin."

I attempt to stare at the void however the voice almost seems to come from it and from within my head and myself.

"Your future has no limits and you shall hurt once more and again, and again, and again. Your path just like that of any human is to build your own destiny however, such a thing entails hope; and hope can only be brought through perseverance."

As those words left the void. I felt them entering my heart as a silver flame burned within myself. The colour silver, an almost transparent colour, one of which I can change colour according to the destiny I wish upon myself.

"Live and forget. To stop thinking about it and move on." My body which felt cold and drowning through my own illusions now felt emptied and ethereal.

I looked once more at my surrounding and the stormy and wet raindrops which had been in this dark void all self detonated and each drop turned themselves into star bodies. This sight was beautiful and magnificent. It felt like the birth of a universe within itself.

"Live on. There is no limit. Limitless."

Brisbane City, St Davis Hospital

Monday, 7th of February

06:52

Beep... Beep... Beep.....

I slowly opened my eyes as I was greeted with a bright flash of lights.

I looked around in the room I was in.

I was on a stretcher in a hospital. I had a pair of nasal breathing tubes attached to my nose the help me breath and the patient monitor next to me seemed to monitor my heart beat.

Holy shit! Hadn't I just been shot in the knee? Why was I hooked up and plugged up to these machines as if I could die if left unattended for 30 minutes.

Realising my state of shock I quickly attempted to sit up.

"Ah!" I clenched my teeth as I had accidentally moved my left knee in my short panic.

I guess this answers clearly that this is not a dream. Shit! I felt extremely bitter, angry and sad. My eyes began to well up in tears but my heart had less ripples and my chest felt less pain from my sorrow.

Damn it.

I really felt adrift in my situation. Fuck. What do I do now? What's next for me? I have no one, nothing. School? I should forget about that.

Well at least no one would miss me.

I took a deep breath. I looked outside the hospital window and and notice the bright blue sky. The sun was shining and illuminated the bright city. The citizens of Brisbane city were all either walking, riding bikes or scooters, or were driving to their own separate destinations. People were enjoying their lives and were living their own lives. Some of the people among them are living their rosy youths, first loves, happy marriages, devastating divorces, debt, have trauma, or were suffering internally, had dead parents, dead children, were betrayed, were enjoying life, wanted to end their lives, had work and none of the people around them would know a thing about it.

Just like how no one would know that somewhere out there a person like myself was laying in a hospital bed, now all alone in this world. All life is the same for everyone but life is viewed differently by others.

I contemplated o myself while laying back down onto the hospital bed.

Knock, knock, knock.

After 3 crisp and rhythmic knock on the door, the door of the hospital room I was situated in opened up as a clear voice rang out into the room.

"Sorry for intruding." The doctor who had entered my room said formally as he entered the room. He was tall at about 5'10 but was relatively skinny underneath his medical coat. He had a relatively toned body and above average looks of oriental descent. He came in the room followed by another man who was wearing a suit, however I had not noticed the man in a suit and was focused on the doctor.

"My name is Daniel. Daniel Hoang. You can choose to call me Dr. Hoang or just Daniel directly." Dr. Hoang said directly.

I nodded without directly saying anything as I looked at him with an enquiring yet half pleading gaze.

Dr. Hoang nodded as he continued. "As you might have noticed your not really in the greatest state to be in at the moment..." He hesitated as if wondering whether to say it or not. "You had been admitted last night and could not wake up no matter how much we tried waking you up. Your breathing had almost been unrecognisable and was as faint as a small breeze, thus we gave you this nasal tube breathing thing."

I nodded once more as I looked at Dr. Hoang and listened to him attentively. Couldn't I have lost my life that night? I felt my back and knees run cold.

I had a worried expression on my face as I could feel my own weakness.

Finding out my current condition was at the top of my priorities.

"I don't really want to be the person to bring you the bad news, however I believe this should be the least I should do, right?" Dr. Hoang's earlier leisurely attitude had turned more solemn as he looked at me as his gaze moved from my face to my left knee.

"My knee... is it alright?" That was a stupid question. It was useless and we both knew it. I had been shot in the knee and could possibly have died of blood loss after I had gone unconscious. However, I couldn't stop myself from hoping.

Just one twinge of hope could help in this situation. I had no intentions of putting myself down.