Chapter 1

"Nakakapagtampo ka na talaga ah. Kelan mo pa ba balak bumalik dito sa Pinas? Kapag ba nanganak na ko at pamilyada na? O baka naman wala ka ng balak bumalik pa dito?" Reklamo ni Bree na may kasamang pag-nguso pa habang nag-vivideo call kami. It was our only form of communication. Thank the geniuses for the advanced technology and thank God I was born in an era where everything is digital and I didn't have to wait for several months for my messages to be received and returned. The first few months were very difficult for me. I didn't have anyone here with me in this foreign country. I left with a broken heart. I couldn't contact Bree because it reminded me of him and of the mess that I did which was partly the reason why I decided to leave and partly because I want to study fashion designing in one of the renowned fashion design schools here in Paris. I shut everyone out of my life. I've estranged myself from those who reminded me of him. It took me three years before I tried to reconnect with Bree. During that time, I got closer to my family since they were the only ones that I had.

Halos maduling ako sa pag-irap sa narinig ko mula kay Bree.

"Asus, asa naman e hindi ka pa rin nga nagkaka-boyfriend hanggang ngayon." Atake ko.

"Wow ha, nagsalita ang wala rin jowa. Sinong niloloko mo?!" Bulyaw niya. "Sa ating, tatlo, si kuya Tom lang ata successful sa lovelife ah." She didn't realize what she just said too soon until she did and agaran ang paghingi niya ng tawad. "I'm sorry, Cett, I shouldn't have said that."

I weakly smiled. "No, it's okay. Good for him." Actually I know they'd work out even if I didn't leave and stop pestering them. I just couldn't accept it right then.

"Kaya ka ba hindi umuuwi dito?" I sensed a slight tint of worry.

"No, not at all!" I wildly shook my head but I'm not really sure. I don't trust my own feelings because sometimes it's your own feelings that can betray you.

"Ohhh okay." She agreed but she didn't seem convinced.

"It's been 5 years already, Bree. I guess I've matured and I'm over with what I felt for him in the past." I defensively explained. It was like I was convincing myself rather than Bree that it was really the case for me. "Maybe he was right, that it was just a phase." Lie. "That I'm just new to the feeling and just infatuated." I hope it was. Lucky me.

"I'm sorry, Cett. Honestly, wala akong kinakampihan sa inyong dalawa. But he was just as much as at fault as you. Kung sinabi niya lang kaagad sayo and what he said to you the week before you left was way.." I cut her off. "No, it's not his responsibility to inform me. Since the very beginning his actions were crystal clear." I can feel the bile spreading out in my system upon recalling a memory.

"I know pero at least dapat sinabi niya nalang agad, iba pa rin siguro kung diniretso ka niya." She looked at me anxiously.

"It's all in the past now, Bree. I'm just glad that I didn't ruin everything for him. I'm glad it turned out okay." I can't believe I just said that. I don't think I'm completely okay. Every time this particular topic comes up, I would always pretend that I'm okay and that it doesn't sting anymore when the truth is I'm still struggling with it.

Hindi naman kasi ganon kadali kalimutan yun. Tom was not only a man that I had a crush on. He still is and I'm afraid that what I realized in the past has remained and may have gotten stronger over the years. He was also my bestfriend and being not able to be like what we have used to be around each other doubles the pain.

I could still remember the first time he brought a girl in their house for a dinner. Bree and I were finishing a project when tita Audrey told us to prepare and get dressed because we would have someone important coming over for dinner. "Bakit sino po ba ang bisita mommy?" Bree inquired but tita just smiled at us. "You will know later. Just be prepared girls, alright?" Bree and I simultaneously nodded.

I didn't realize how deep my feelings were for him until I saw him with a girl on that night. Anya was clutching her hand on his arm as they walk their way through the dining table. She was welcomed warmly by the Santiagos. I didn't expect Bree to not like her. What's not to like about her? Even I for one can say that, she was a very fine lady.

I couldn't smile. It was too hard. All that was happening before my eyes and the realization of what I really felt towards Tom and how strong it was, was so overwhelming that I couldn't take it all in at once.

"Good evening dad, mom, Bree and Cett." Tom greeted us as he guided Anya to each one of us. "Good evening po tito and tita, I'm Anya Lopez. Hi, Bree and Cett." Si Anya habang binebeso niya sina tito and tita and she went straight to hug Bree and I."

"We know you iha since Tom were just in middle school." Tita smiled sweetly at Anya.

"Now I know why my son here couldn't stop talking about you since middle school, Anya." Tito Matthew nodded proudly at his son.

I turned to look at the both of them who were sitting across from Bree and I on the table and they both were blushing at what the Santiago couple said. "So what are you two now, kayo na ba or nanliligaw pa ba itong aming unico iho sa iyo, Anya darling?" Tita questioned expectantly.

I can see from my side that Bree was looking my way while I was holding my breath at tita Audrey's question. Parang hindi ko na ata kakayanin marinig pa ang isasagot nila. I had a feeling na sila na with how their eyes were twinkling every time their eyes met. If I stayed any longer I would burst out into tears. So, I gathered all my strength and shamelessly ruined what Anya was about to say when I excused myself because I pretended I was feeling sick which was true enough in another context.

"Are you sure you're okay anak? You weren't touching your food kahit konti?" Tita asked worriedly.

"I'm okay tita. Kaya ko naman po. I'll just ask for meds from yaya Tessa. I'll head out na po. Thank you for the dinner." I turned out to face the two. Tom was looking at me with evident worries in his eyes and so was Anya. I faintly smiled and nodded at the both of them. I couldn't utter a word to say to them. I felt like the tears would roll down anytime soon. I hurriedly went straight to the door.

Once I reached the door. Tumulo ng kusa ang mga luha ko. Traydor na mga luha. I was betrayed by my own feelings.