Charlee

August 12

I started school I was really nervous to go back and had briefly talked with Lilley about it before school on Sunday. I talked to her about how I was feeling and everything. About Sam being gone, about my suicidal thoughts, about my best friend starting to leave me and just everything. I was really relived she understood everything though. You know we called each other before we met to just kind of talk and then we decided to go for a walk to meet up so I went and my father and she went and asked her mom. When we met up by our grandma's house Lou ran and hugged me we stayed like for a couple minutes while I was crying. She's like my best friend we always say we were made cousins instead of sisters because our family wouldn't be able to handle us together always. But it was just nice to feel her hug and know I can talk with her about anything and everything. Because the day after Sam left I get a couple texts from her like in our dogwater group chat which is my brother, her and I at first she wrote a message and then deleted it so we couldn't see and then sent one basically saying she loved us and then she texted me a couple messages personally which 2 were deleted before I could see and then one just reminding me she loves me so much and I'm so strong and things like that. I don't know what the first messages were but I can only assume it was her worrying for us greatly, cause she's always been more the mom, role model figure between all of us.

Lou texted me and asked if I had done my work for the chapter which I didn't because I was hanging with friends which Lou understood but what she didn't know was that Wyatt had just shoved me against the wall and choked me while slamming my foot against the wall. So I sent her a video and explained it to her which she comforted me like always but I was super upset because when I told my mother she didn't believe me, she ALWAYS chooses Wyatt's side or does more things for Wyatt. And she has even told me once to my face its become he has higher worth because he's a male. I just don't understand and it makes me angry because our grandmother always favorites Wyatt and gives him special privilege's its like he can do no wrong in her eyes so me and Lilley always blame him for stuff we do because we know he'll never get in trouble so it saves our asses. That's why we have the policy always blame Wyatt. And we have another male cousin but he doesn't get treated like Wyatt he gets treated like the rest of us so I know she isn't sexist just favorites him for no absolute reason. Like she has 7 grandchildren but only chooses to favorite Wyatt. But when its like just me and Lou and just the rest of us without Wyatt we all get treated equally. And so when I go to dads i do get a bit spoiled because he knows about the favoritism that goes on at moms and grams and like even Lou spoils me and sticks up for me more because she too knows of the freaking FAVORTISM.

And also going back to the Sam thing I still can't believe this is all happening like right now of all times like Isiah goes back to his real parents soon(Which they don't deserve him back they are drug addicts) And now we don't even get to see him for like his last dinner with us and I don't even know if I can go to the court date! Like last weekend Lou came over and swam and was having fun with Sam and I and like we were all talking having fun by the fire dancing to crap music, being idiots and having fun! Why did this happen so soon? And like that night Lilley told us why she liked coming over so much because we WERE a whole family and she's never experienced that and now Sam leaves? It just feels unreal and its horrible. I just want my family back. And really right now the only person can really talk to is Lou because she knew Sam how I knew her not like our family knew her, hell our family never even liked her I bet they are just so happy she's gone! And like Sunday when dad when and dropped off Isiah and Phoenix to her we weren't allowed to go so he dropped us off at grams and I was just happy Lou was there because I got to spend more time with her and talk about more things since our walk was limited because of dad. I just hope my life doesn't fall apart even more than it has.