Memories

[Music Recommendation: "Forever Rain" by BTS - RM - instrumental-only version by Smyang Piano]

"Waaahu-hu-hu-hu…" the little me cried back then.

No matter how tired or sleepy he was, my father would always get up, pick me up from bed, and carry me in his arms. We had a small house back then, with one bedroom where we all stayed. We were so close—always.

"Aigoo… Did Ye-Ji'ya have a bad dream again?" he would ask.

Gently, he would pat my back, too, or brush my hair.

"Don't worry. Appa (father) is here. Appa will protect you, okay?"

Then, he would sing a hymn until I stopped crying.

"What did my baby dream about, huh? Did you dream about monsters again?"

Shaking my head, the little me tried to answer with trembling lips, "S-Sadako…."

"Ha-ha-ha! That's why I told you to stop watching those horror movies."

"Appa will fight Sadako?"

"Yes, yes. Appa will. So you don't have to worry anymore, okay? Just go to sleep. Appa is here."

Feeling safe from his words, the little me would smile instantly and hug him tightly. And surely, not even a few minutes passed, I would already be asleep.

If my father was still alive… I wonder if he'd say the same whenever I get those nightmares? Or maybe, I wouldn't even be having them in the first place.

Ugh… This sucks. My heart… it's starting to crumble again.

After our great act, soon enough, Agent Helios and I reached my quarters and came inside. I quickly jumped out of his arms and laid myself on the bed to stare at the ceiling. I had to stare at some blank, white space to clear my mind whenever I was reminded of my father, or else I'd end up crying nonstop or, worse, be depressed again.

Slow and deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

For some reason, Agent Helios let me be and didn't speak as soon as we came inside. I expected him to nag or tease me, but he didn't—which was good. What he said about him being an expert in reading people seemed true. He probably noticed my weird behavior and quickly.

Staring at the ceiling, I could feel tears forming at the corners of my eyes. My lips and my hands were trembling—I just noticed it. How long had it been like that? I couldn't possibly show this to Agent Helios. Get a grip of yourself, Kim Ye-Ji. Relax!

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Then, look for five things I could see around me—the ceiling, light bulbs, clock, chandelier, and wall décors. Four things I could touch—the bed sheet, socks on my feet, my pants, and blazer. Three things I could hear—the ticking of the clock, my breathing, my heartbeat. Two things I could smell—the natural air freshener and… perfume? Was it Agent Helios'? And lastly was… one thing I could taste. I could taste the… antidote. Bitter but with a sweet after-taste.

Okay, I'm feeling better. Shake it off. Shake it off.

I got up from bed and looked at Agent Helios with my usual ice-cold face.

"So, how was it?" I asked smugly. "Did I pass your meticulous standard?"

He didn't answer me. Instead, he just stared at me as if trying to read me more.

"What? Stop staring!"

"You… are you—"

"No asking personal questions," I cut him off.

"… Right. But if there's something hard for you to do, it's better not to push yourself. Mental health is important and—"

"I'm fine. It's not even about that. I just… remembered something. I'm mentally healthy, and I have no experience of being abused or that I'm afraid of touching—if that's what you're thinking. So you don't have to worry about that."

"No other… trauma?" he added. For some reason, his usual arrogant tone was gone. Instead, he sounded a bit concerned? Or just careful?

"No," I answered him firmly. "I'm not that weak."

"Uhm… If you say so," he shrugged.

"Hey! Answer me now. Did I pass?"

Sighing, he replied, "Fine. You pass."

"Woah! Really?!" I blurted out in excitement. "Yeah! I knew I could do it! Now, you need to do your end of the deal. You promised! You'll accept me as your partner, and you're no longer allowed to be rude to me."

"Yeah, yeah, I will. Though you have one opportunity."

"What? No, I don't."

"Yes, you do. You flinched slightly when I touched your waist. You need to get used to me touching you."

"Tsk. Yes, boss. I'll work on that area."

"Good. Get some rest for now, and I'll start training you tomorrow."

"Huh? Training for what?"

"Touching."

"What?! We don't need to train for that. I'd rather practice my shooting skills or basic defense or something else."

"Really? Should I test you again? If you fail, you're out."

"H-hey! Wait a minute!"

He then approached me and pinned me on the bed.

"Hey! What do you think—"

Flick!

Awww… He suddenly flicked my forehead.

"Sleep," he said firmly.

After that, he walked out of my room. But the pain from his fingers remained on my forehead. Seriously, that jerk. I'm going to make sure to return the favor tomorrow.

***

[Agent Helios POV]

Sudden trembling, sweating, faster than normal heartbeat… then, when we went inside her room, the first thing she did was lie down on her bed and stare at the blank, white ceiling. She kept looking around and touching around, all while trying to catch her breath. That's definitely a grounding technique.

Only people with traumatic memories or strong emotions know those things and do those things. Because it helps them step away from negative thoughts or unwanted flashbacks, yet, she said she didn't have any trauma. It's either she's unaware of it, or she's deliberately hiding it from me. After all, agents who have trauma weren't allowed to take missions unless they were cured or passed a psychological test.

Hmm… I need more information. We're going to take an S-rank mission, and it's no laughing matter. I couldn't possibly let her have a mental breakdown during the mission. Yes, it's not like I'm worried about her. I'm concerned about the mission failing because of it. This was the exact reason why I prefer doing things solo. Having a partner would be a pain in the ass.

Thinking that, I walked straight to the Intelligence Department, planning to extract information from Captain Hermes. But then again, I'm not allowed to talk about my partnership with Agent Selene. It would be weird if I suddenly asked for her secret files.

In that case, I should go directly to Assistant Chief Athena. She should know. After all, the Intelligence Department was under her care.

Soon enough, I reached her office and knocked on the door. I sent her advance notice, saying it was an urgent matter. Hopefully, she's inside.

Click!

Ah, the lock opened. Good.

I walked inside and saluted.

"And to what do I owe this sudden visit, Agent Helios?"

"It's about the partner you gave me—Agent Selene."

"Oh, I see. Did something happen?"

"Yes. I'm not sure if she's 100% capable of doing the mission with me."