The Beginning?- I Know Not

Darkness.

No matter where I stare the only thing I can see....or what I think I can see is darkness. It has been like this for so long that I forgot what is light. The warmness of the sun, the fields full of green grass, the blue sky full of white and grey clouds, gardens full of colourful flowers, buzzing of the bees collecting nectar from flowers in the blistering heat of summer, the cool sensation of rain on my skin, the gentle breeze of cold air in the winter mornings yearning me to find my blanket, the soothing songs of cuckoo in the youthful spring. I miss them. I miss them all.

I do not remember my name, but knowledge of a life. I do not remember my parents, but the warmth of a family grips my very being. I do not remember my friends, but I remember the friendship and the bond of brotherhood I shared with a few, very close people.

I forgot how I used to look, the faces of my parents, friends and many other loved ones. I have lost the semblance of humanity in this void yet I know I still am a human. I forgot how to move, how to feel yet I feel my own frustration, hopelessness, despair for not being able to move yet moving in this dark void. Yes, Void. That is what I call this place. Even though I do not know what is a void, what does it represent yet something in me tells me it is aptly named. I know not if it is an instinct or something more primal, that is etched to my very soul.

Instinct? Primal? Soul? What are these again? I know not. Here, in this void I have been slowly loosing the basic concepts of life to the complexity of time, space, life and death. I have been trying to understand them again and again and again, yet it all falls apart from my grasp like dry sand grains from a closed fist.

It is happening everyday, every hour, every minute, every second, every moment. I... I think I am slowly loosing my sanity to this vain existence I am experiencing. But what is Sanity? Is it not just the ability to think and behave in rational manner, accordance to you surrounding environment?

Huh?!! This is the first time after coming into this void have I been able to answer my own question. The first time it is not just a vague feeling or a sudden pop of a word blooming in my mind without even know its meaning or importance behind it.

What changed? What could have happened to change the monotonous existence? I frantically started to look around, searching for something, anything that could hold answers to all my questions, just like a thirsty traveller in the dessert searching for a oasis. I looked left, right, upwards, downwards.... well at least what I thought the supposed directions were anyway. But no matter where I looked it was the same, the same monotonous darkness, the familiar void that I was trapped in for who knows how long.

But then I saw something. It was....er...south? eastern? direction from the place where I was...standing? floating? It was just a blink of a light but it is enough for me. The light was at the same size of a ballpoint pen nip yet to me, a person who has been trapped in the endless darkness it was like scorching sun in the equatorial sky. A blazing ball of inferno that alights the world from the neverending darkness. To me it was my access to freedom. My only chance to escape the void. But I was far away from it. Really far away. But I needed to reach it. Something inside of me told me to.

With that set in my mind I started to crawl? run? float? What I am doing and how I am doing it does not matter to me, not anymore. The only thing that matters to me is my freedom. Nothing else in the world can stop me from gaining it. Freedom is mine. I know instinctly that by reaching that floating? ball of light I will be able to escape this place, and I sure as hell going to do everything in my power to achieve it.

With that began my struggle. At first it felt like hours, later turned into days, days turned months, months turned years yet I was still far far away from my destination. As the supposed feeling of time flew by I felt my struggle breaking my resolve for freedom. I was feeling tiredness for the tye first time after coming to this place. It was both exhilarating and cruel at the same time. In this time of my struggle I could hear my despair telling me to let it be, my vanity whispering sweet words in my ears to leave this unachievable goal, to let go of the futile effort. At one point I had truly given myself to my inner demons. As the tiredness was engulfing my body? my mind? my soul. My will to live again, my will for freedom was leaving me at an incredible pace.

Just the moment I took off my eyes away from the ball of light in my despair, I again saw the place that has been my jail for a long time. The darkness that waited for me. Then I took another look at the ball of light and felt the soothing warmth it gave me. It solidified my will to leave this place. My will wanted to make me rip off my shackles and with a smile I gave into it.

Then...then something happened. Something inside of me snapped and the next moment I see my self right infront of the ball of light. Even from close it is still the same size yet it resonates within my soul. It felt like a gate, gates you see in older, temples, churches, mosques or other ancient buildings. So just as anyone would have done when faced against a closed door, I did the same. I brought every bit of willpower I had to push the "door" open, even without knowing what was on the other side of the "door". But to me anything was better than this. But when I put my hands? forward to push the "door" open a blinding light engulfs me. After that what what happened? I know not.