twelve

Several weeks passed with Nozomi's absence causing a lacuna of sorts to settle in the classroom. And with each of those days that passed by like snails on treadmills, I made it my goal to visit Nozomi and hug him for at least five minutes. He wasn't fighting me, though more than likely this was due to his sharp decrease in motivation, but nonetheless I figured, 'why not?'. I loved hugs. And Nozomi possessed this particular warmth that set me at ease, and I dared even call his arms my 'happy place.' Christmas was miles away, but I had already scribbled a smile from him under my wish list.

Over time conditions seemed to be improving-in subtle ways, but I wasn't complaining. Nozomi began to anticipate my visits. Contrary to the first one, he didn't appear taken aback in the slightest, but rather like he had been eagerly awaiting my return, a look that shouted, 'where have you been?' painted across his sullen face. Each and every day, though, I stopped by his home only to discover him listening to that same lullaby. On endless repeat. It was because of this that I finally decided to look up the translation of the lyrics, just to refresh my memory on the meaning of Nozomi's obsession.

The lyrics were as follows:

Gentle son of mine,

your eyes are growing heavy

I know you're trying to stand

but you're too young

Rest now.

Fragile son of mine,

I've loved you from the start

your faded eyes and sore limbs

are trying to hold you down

Rest now.

Dispel of your melancholy,

your sorrow, grief, and doubts

Smile now.

Smile before I go.

I promise I'll carry you until you can walk on your own.

Rest now.

Beautiful son of mine,

you need not fight alone

Look around you and you'll see

Everyone fighting with you

Rest now.

It was a touching song, and it was no mystery to me why Nozomi had taken such a liking to it. I was quite fond of it too, but its sweet melody must have gotten lost in the clutter of pop music that occupied most of my brain nowadays. But ever since Nozomi had brought it back to my attention, I couldn't help but dwell on its significance, as well as the possibility that Nozomi had been picturing the vocalist as his own mother this whole time.

Perhaps all he really wanted was to be comforted. Perhaps…he was tired of fighting.

That was exactly why I had to be there for him. I wanted to make my presence a muscle memory to him.

I saw myself in Nozomi's eyes. And every time he looked at me, I was reminded of who I used to be. Stubborn, distant, hating to rely on others no matter how badly I needed someone to lean on…I was relieved Nozomi could at least look to me for support-even if it were only in a vague, inscrutable way. Even if I could only lead him…just one more step in the right direction…rather than watching him at a futile standstill.

Nozomi was a solider alright. But even soldiers need to lay down their guns every now and again.