Chapter 51 - Thriller Bark Pt 5 1/3

Chapter 51

Xomniac AN: Sorry for the massive delay, people, this just didn't wanna be written! And hey, look: posted from France! Woot!

Patient AN: Credit to the Ego for the planning of the chapter-long fight. Credit to the Superego for the writing of the chapter-long fight. And… well… I guess I may have helped some, too?

Hornet AN: We apologize for the relatively short length, but we refuse to stretch the chapter, and honestly, I think you'd all prefer getting the chapter ASAP.

My first thought upon waking was 'Owwwwwwwwww…' My second was… non-printable because of the stream of omni-offensive profanity that spewed from my metaphorical mouth, a sliver of it actually managing to claw its way out of my throat. It was only with my third thought that my brain decided to get its shit together and 'helpfully' inform me that I was still alive. My natural response to that, of course, was to stir and attempt to sit up, only to feel a familiar pair of hooves still my movement.

"Easy, easy," Chopper said in a somewhat loud but definitely fear-choked whisper. "I just finished packing and bandaging that wound in your side, I'd rather you not spill your intestines all over the ground… again."

SMASH!

The Spark of Genius cast a fearful glance up and to the side as the sound of something getting smashed somewhere else rang out. "Also, really don't want you inadvertently provoking the shadow-wielding psychopath."

I followed his gaze up to a solid wall of dirt, then further up to a roiling mass of black. Right. Moria. Awakening. And in other news, owwwwww son-of-a-biiiiiiitch! I curled up, trembling from the mother of all gut-burns, and it was several seconds before it subsided enough to crack an eye open at Chopper. "What'd I miss?" I whispered back.

Chopper let out a miserable snort and shook his head as he started working on an injured Rolling Pirate, one that I couldn't help but notice was practically cut to ribbons, and much more importantly, one of a whole hell of a lot of them that were lying around us in the… trench? Yeah, I think it was a trench, earth was ripped up around us but it was still a—

Right, Chopper speaking, focus. Though, there was something odd about the dirt…

"Not much," the reindeer grit out as he worked on patching the allied pirate up. "It's just that, ah… h-he basically made every shadow around us become… tangible at the same time. After that…" He shook his head. "Yeah, I don't know the exact specifics and I doubt anyone could follow it. Just, one second there was absolute chaos and the next the ground was ripped up and Moria was stalking around attacking anyone he could find!"

"And we haven't run yet why, exactly?"

"Because of that."

I followed the doctor's hoof, found he was pointing at the mass of black that extended above the dirt wall's edge, and paled as I realized that it wasn't just writhing black, it was a shadowy and fully mobile thorn hedge, one that would have made even Maleficent herself applaud.

And it was then that I realized something else, something that had been bugging me and made my stomach practically fall out of my ass. The trench was too bright. There was no shadow.

"…that's a damn good reason."

As another thunderous smash sounded out, noticeably further away than the first one, I turned to look at my partner, who was shivering within his shell. "Soundbite?"

"Come out, come out, wherever you are~!"

I shivered at the distinctly unhinged voice that washed over me, rife with sadistic glee. "Ooookay, did not need to hear that."

"Wasn't me…"

You can damn well be sure that I stiffened at that little whisper. "I beg your pardon?"

Soundbite poked his quivering eyestalks out of his shell to give me a panicked look. "IT'S THE SHADOWS… THE SHADOWS THEMSELVES are speaking with him!"

Well, that was a thing. "Okay, so, before I go completely catatonic from totally justified mind-rending terror…" I blinked, realizing I didn't actually know what Moria was doing. "Actually, hang on. What is he doing, exactly?"

Chopper hesitated briefly, but then hung his head with a weary groan. "Well, seeing as your guts aren't in any danger of falling out right this moment and no one else is going to keel over if I don't get to them immediately… it'll be easier if I just show you."

And with that, the Zoan-doctor helped me get to my feet—not an easy feat given how it felt like I had a freaking red-hot rod through my side—and helped me make my way up the slope of our trench. Once at the top, we peeked over the edge and beheld… well, hell.

It's… hard to come up with a better name for it, really. Imagine the war-torn fields of No Man's Land that arose in World War One: barren plains crisscrossed with trenches and blown all to hell and back. What I saw was that cranked to a 100: the trenches were less purposeful structures and more gouges that had been ripped open in the earth, and the eviscerated remains of the long-deceased covered practically every square inch of the scarred ground.

And what better to complete an image of hell than a devil stalking the field of the damned?

It was a little hard to tell what Moria's exact mental state was at the moment, seeing as his back was to me, but going by how his foot was encased in a colossal spiked boot made of shadow that he was using to stomp one of the trenches flat, it wasn't hard to guess the gist. The fact that he was twitching like a tweaker and laughing like a loon was also kinda a hint.

Aaaand then there was the song:

"All the little bugs Hiding in their holes~ Should come out to play!" Moria crooned in the wispy Voice of the Legion he'd adopted, before suddenly snarling as he tripled the rate at which he was smashing his shadow-encased foot into the ground. "OR ELSE I'LL TURN YOU ALL TO PASTE AND BE DONE WITH YOU!"

I gurgled miserably under my breath at the display of literally insane violence. "And nobody's tried to put him down yet why, exactly?"

"Weeeell…" Chopper dragged out with a grimace. "First off…"

"SKREEEEEOOOOONK!"

Chopper was cut off by a very sudden and familiar roar splitting the air, prompting both us and Moria to snap our heads around.

Turns out that either Chopper was an even better surgeon than we thought or Franky was better with his designs, but either way the end result was the same: A fire-belching robotic Tyrannosaurus Rex that was back on its taloned feet, barreling towards Moria like a runaway sea train.

CHOMP!

And that then proceeded to sink its fangs into Moria's neck like a rabid Sea King.

For an intense and… somewhat confusing minute, I felt hope at the sight of a fellow… human? Let's go with 'sapient' being, being devoured by the king of all lizards.

"Useless…" Soundbite whispered in terror.

And then that hope was cruelly extinguished by 'Moria's' pitch-black head suddenly rotating a full 180 degrees to unveil the rabidly-grinning face of a Doppleman, which let loose an ethereal cackle as it grabbed the instantly panicked cyber-dino's throat and held it in place.

"He keeps doing that," Chopper gulped, shivering in place. "And then… there's the others."

Before I could question what he meant by 'others', I was answered by two other shadow-men rising from the shade around the dino-borg's feet. The trio of umbral marauders all howled with maddened glee and raised their unnaturally taloned hands. And then…

"SKREEOOOOORRRRGghgghhhhr…."

"KISHISHISHISHISHI!"

"Oh, fucking hell!" Gagging, I ducked my head back into the trench, fighting to keep my bile in check. I'd heard the words 'ripped limb from limb' plenty of times over the years, but no way did I ever expect to actually see it in action! "How the hell is he doing that?!"

"A complete psychotic break for starters, but I'm fairly certain the fact that he was almost certainly a sociopath of the highest order to begin with doesn't help," Chopper droned in a dead voice muffled by the dirt he'd buried his face in.

"No, I mean literally!" I hissed frantically. "Moria only ever showed the ability to produce a single Doppleman out of his own shadow! Even if he could make more than one, they'd have to be smaller from division of resources! How does he have more than one of that thing that are at full size!?"

"Devil Fruits are bullshit, Awakened Devil Fruits make mere bullshit their bitch?" Soundbite replied in my voice.

"What are you—ah," I finished lamely as I recalled exactly how this whole shitshow had started. "You're… certain he—?"

"Beyond the MACRO-UMBRAKINESIS HE'S SLINGING, YOU MEAN?" my partner in slime snarked. He then shuddered and lowered his eyestalks. "I… I heard it happen. And lemme tell you, ON TOP OF WHAT WE ALREADY DID TO HIM?"

"Come out, little buggy-bugs!" Moria's voice floated through the air. "COME OUT SO THAT I CAN RIP YOUR SKIN OFF WITH MY FINGERS!"

Soundbite shivered in terror. "In case it isn't obvious, he's gone chair-leg savaging, carpet gnawing, baying-at-the-moon bonkers."

"Fucking…" I groaned, dragging my hand down my face. That done, I shoved my mind into gear. "Alright, first things first: roll call, who's still conscious and who's down for the count?"

"Vivi, Carue, Merry, the TDWS, and most of Lola's crew all went down with you in the opening attack," Chopper answered with a grimace. "I treated them first, but they already took too much damage in the fights before this; they won't be waking up anytime soon. Conis got hit pretty hard, too; I'm pretty sure that Su's the only thing keeping her awake at this point."

"Franky has plenty of fight left, but he's out of cola," Soundbite picked up. "Lassoo and Funkfreed are playing dead in their weapon forms at different spots, which is the only THING THEY CAN DO SEEING AS THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KILLING FIELD!"

"The rest of us are ready to fight," Robin's voice came in softly. "Unfortunately, however, everyone aside from Usopp and myself are dealing with varying degrees of weariness from the fights up until this point, especially Luffy, Zoro, and Nami."

I grimaced miserably as I ran the numbers. That was half of our crew out of commission, and while we still had the Monster Trio and Boss, it did a fat lot of good for us when Moria had a seriousface killzone going on around him.

Still, priorities. "Alright… not necessarily good, but it's better than nobody…" I sighed heavily, flinching at the sound of Moria smashing another trench flat. "Next, before we do jack—!"

"Hmm… what's this~?"

I froze as Moria suddenly spoke up, a distinct tone of menace undercutting his otherwise serene (if insane) query.

"None of the bugs want to come out and play? Well, if that's how it is…"

A slight rustling noise drew my attention, and my gut froze when I noticed the thorn hedge keeping us penned in beginning to shift.

"I'LL JUST SQUASH YOU FLAT RIGHT NOW!"

"We need to move, now!" Not waiting for a response, I grabbed Chopper and began sprinting down the trench. "Before he floods the trenches with thorns and turns us all into slurry!"

"Wait, Cross, if I move these guys—"

The reindeer-man cut himself off with a choked gurgle when the tip of a thorny vine began to poke through the soil of one of the trench walls.

"That is a great plan and I will get right on it!" Chopper yelped, suddenly shifting into Heavy Point. "HEY, MORIA, HEADS UP!" Reaching into his pouch, he grabbed and flung a vial at the rabid Warlord. "CHERRY BLOSSOM!"

A glance over the edge showed Moria turning a bloodshot glare on the vial. "Pest," he rumbled dismissively, a Doppleman popping up to swat the glass—

FWOOSH!

"GWAH!"

Only to yelp in shock when he and a lot of the field was suddenly consumed by a pink haze.

"HAZE!" Chopper concluded victoriously, standing proud for a second. After that second, he promptly shrank back down and shot me a frantic look. "Alright, he's distracted. Now what do we do!? We're still trapped!"

"Uh…" I erred uncertainly as I drew a raging blank. Damn it, I must have been woozier than I thought; I usually only got bitten in the ass on the second step ahead, not the first!

"THE MANOR!"

"Wha—?" I jumped when Soundbite suddenly barked.

"EVERYONE INTO THE MANOR!" he ordered. "IT'S A TOTAL MAZE IN THERE! WITH ANY LUCK, WE CAN LOSE him in the corridors!"

"But won't we get pretty lost, too?" Luffy pointed out.

"I knew it, it IS the apocalypse!" Usopp sobbed miserably.

"JUST TRUST ME, DAMN IT! I know what I'm doing!"

"Alright, good enough for me! Come on guys, let's do what he says!"

"I really wish you'd stop pinballing and make up your mind about whether or not the world is ending, Luffy…" Nami groaned wearily.

"Enough, let's just go before Moria stops bothering to aim!" I cut in.

"But what about everyone who's hurt!?" Chopper demanded, casting a desperate gaze over his patients.

"We leave them, and they'll be fine!" I hastily added when Chopper's eyes flashed blue. "Because Moria's looking for a fight, he wants live targets! So long as he knows the 'bugs' are in his manor, he'll ignore everyone else to focus on us, alright?"

The cyan faded, but the way Chopper was biting his lip made it clear that he was still uncomfortable with the plan. Nonetheless, he ran with me as I made a beeline through the fog, stumbling over corpses and writhing shadows as I headed for the haunted mansion. I detoured just enough to follow Soundbite's directions to where Lassoo and Funkfreed lay, strapping them on my back as I ran. As a result, I fell far behind Chopper and the rest of the crew, leaving none of them in sight when I crossed the mansion's threshold.

"And nine… ten… TWELVE… and the rest of the Rolling Pirates arrrrre CLEAR! NOW, SOMEONE TAKE A POTSHOT TO LURE HIM TO US!" Soundbite barked.

"We can't see anything through this fog!" came several voices. A pause…

"…This is the first time in my life that I'm resenting being such a good marksman," Usopp moaned. "Alright, alright… Special Attack: NOVA STAR!"

FWA-BANG! A blast of insanely bright light, coupled with an ear-shattering explosion of noise, penetrated the pink haze.

"GYAGH!" Moria howled irately, his silhouette flailing about. "YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS! I'LL RIP YOUR SPINES OUT THROUGH YOUR—!"

Suddenly, the threat was cut short, Soundbite making a face. "I LIKE PROFANITY AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY, BUT even I have my limits," he deadpanned. "And by the way, doesn't that attack literally TRANSLATE TO 'STAR STAR'?"

"LESS SNARK, MORE STRATEGY!" Usopp shot back. "We need to figure out some way to finish him, before—!"

"So, infesting my humble abode, are you?" I came to a screeching halt as Moria's voice suddenly rolled over me like a wave of tar. "Well, if you want to play… THEN LET'S PLAY!"

I twitched as the Warlord's voice suddenly took on an unmistakably homicidal tone. "Uh… are there suddenly more of him?"

"By my count?" Soundbite replied flatly. "About a dozen more TO BE SPECIFIC, ALL PURE SHADOW."

"FEE FI FO FUM!" the chorus of the deranged cackled. "READY OR NOT, YOU'RE ALL DEAD!"

"I hate ruined rhymes," someone muttered.

"I hate the fact that even though I'd already resigned myself to an odd death the second I joined this crew, this tops everything I could have possibly imagined," Nami deadpanned.

Before anyone could pitch in with more snark, Soundbite suddenly barked "EVERYONE, DUCK!" I didn't question it, immediately throwing myself to the floor.

SMASH!

And a good fucking thing, too, as I felt something ruffle my hair before smashing into the other wall of the dining room. I chanced a glance up, catching a glimpse of a spiral spear the size of a large tree sitting on a pile of shattered wood and plaster that promptly unfolded into one of the Doppelmen, which then proceeded to turn around and split in half at its too-too wide mouOH FUCK ME!

"NOPE," I summarized, promptly spinning on my heel and running like—oh, I'm sorry, I mean because hell was right on my ass. And going by the plethora of screams I could hear echoing through the halls of the manor, I wasn't the only one being chased.

After sprinting a dozen or so meters down the hallway, I caught sight of an upcoming intersection. I tried to decide on which path to take—

"HANG A LEFT and then duck behind the SUIT OF ARMOR!"

When my partner's hasty hiss directed me to a side of the passage I was currently traveling. I followed his instructions, and the wall proceeded to—why was I even surprised? Of course the haunted mansion had secret passageways built into it for normal people, not just the spider-mice. I ducked inside and closed the 'door' behind me, leaning against it with my heart pounding in my chest as I awaited either my salvation or my inevitable demise.

Thankfully, the continued shaking of the ground from the Doppelman's stomps indicated that the umbral homunculus had passed me by and that I was safe for however long I could keep dodging it.

"That was too close, thanks for that, Soundbite," I sighed in relief, before affixing my partner with a confused look. "But… how did you do that exactly?"

"Ah, t-that's right…" Conis bit out, Soundbite's bleary look communicating her effort to stay conscious. "Weren't you… having a hard time mapping out the manor? Because of… uh…"

"Because of the zombies being so damned silent, right?!" Su prompted, no small amount of desperation in her voice.

"Y-Yes, that…"

"New move of mine I JUST WORKED OUT," Soundbite informed us tightly, his expression one of pure concentration. "BY BOUNCING SOUNDS OFF OF OBJECTS, I CAN GET A GOODLY MAP OF MY SURROUNDINGS. Trying to ping the whole of my radius wouldn't fly, but I can manage for just the manor."

"Gastro-Sonar, got it," I nodded in understanding, before frowning as a thought struck me. "But… wait, why are you only using this now? Why not before?"

"Before, I could only THROW MY VOICE SOMEWHERE AND THAT WAS THAT. BUT NOW, I CAN TELL WHERE I CAN AND CAN'T raise a racket and build a map based off of that—!"

"—thanks to your Awakening!" I divined before scowling acridly. "Okay, seriously!? Soundbite, if this is what Awakened Devil Fruits can do, why the hell didn't you do anything like this at Enies Lobby?!"

"BECAUSE I WAS HALF-DEAD IN MY SHELL THEN, AND I AIN'T FEELING SO HOT NOW EITHER!" my snail snapped back with just as much venom. "DO YOU KNOW MUCH energy it takes to piledrive reality?! I'VE TRIED PRACTICING MY ABILITIES BEFORE, AND EVERY TIME IT ALMOST WIPES ME OUT IN TWO MINUTES!"

I winced as the sound of splintering wood and shattering rock echoed throughout the manse, and promptly used it to rally my indignation. "Doesn't seem to be a problem for him!"

"Some 'God of Noise' you are when you're the only one on equal ground with Moria and you're as helpless as the rest of us!" Su barked furiously, though I think a load of her temper came from the way Conis was groaning.

I jumped enough that I actually fell down as what sounded very much like a freaking sonic boom split the air. I glanced at my shoulder intent on asking about it, only to immediately come to the correct conclusion. Scarlet skin instead of gray and a more ferocious expression than any snail had the right to have on their face? It wasn't hard to figure out that I had just heard Soundbite's composure snap. And then he exploded in a rant.

"Equal grounds?! EQUAL GROUNDS?! I A̴M̕ A ͞F̛R҉EA͘K͢I̷N̸G ̢SN͢ĄIL! ḐO ̨YOU ͏REAĹLY̸ THI̧N̴Ḱ I ́H͜AV̶E̕N'T BE̛EŃ TŖYÍNG̕ ̸T͜O̵ CHA͞N̨N͜EL M͘Y ͢POWER͠S ͞ḾORE̷ ͜AF͠T̛ER I ͘AWAK̨E͘N̷ED?!̨ ̨AFTE̡R͜ ҉C̢ROSS ̕G͏O͞T ͝S͝CAR͏RÈD F̡OR ͜LI̕FE A̢GAI̛N͏ M̸̢̛Y ́B̴̵Ó͠DY̨̕'̵S̨ ̨̛JÚS̵̡T͘ ̨̕N̶̶͝O̵T̡ ͟B̀͜͜U̶̕͡Į̸̡L̢T̸̷ T͞O͞ ̵C̢̧͡H͘̕͜AN҉̛̀Ń̀̀EL͜͢ ̕T̴͢H̵͏ÀT ̧̧M͝U͏C͟H͡ E̕NE̕R̶̡G͜͏͏Ỳ͡͞ Ą͡T͢ O̡͡Ǹ͜C͠͞Ę!́ MY LIM͟I̧TS͏ ͟GR̴O҉W ͏THE͠ M̸ORE ͞I̡ PR͜A҉C̛TIC̴E͢,̕ ͡B̛U͡T̛ T̵HE̕Y'̧RE̴ ͡S͠TIL̴L̛ ̸LOW͢!҉"

"E-Even Awakened?" Chopper asked hesitantly, obviously as off-kilter as I was from my partner's sudden outburst.

"E̶SPE̶CIALLY ͞AW҉AKE̷NE҉D̨! ͜IT'S͜ ̛GO̢D-̧TIE͟R ŔEA̡LI̵T̶Y W͏A̸RṔING,̵ and҉ y̕ou ̀cąn't ͡us͏e̶ ̷t͜h̶a͠t͟ wi͏thou̸t ͟GOD̷-TĮE͝R EN̷ERGY!" Soundbite fired back, turning his gaze in Moria's general direction. "EVEN MORIA IS PUSHING IT, DOING THIS MUCH RIGHT AFTER HE AWAKENED! He might be hopped up on rage and adrenaline, but take it from me: that shit doesn't last forever! EVEN IF I HAD TEN TIMES MY ENERGY, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO USE THIS MUCH POWER FOR MORE THAN TEN MINUTES BEFORE—"

Soundbite's tirade abruptly ceased, the rage on his face fading as both his eyes and mine widened in realization.

"Before burnout," we breathed in realization.

I promptly broke out in a massive grin as I high-eyed my partner-in-slime. "And that is why we stick together!"

"That and you wipe my ass!"

"W-W-W-Wait, let me see if I've got this right…" Usopp stammered hopefully. "S-S-S-So w-we don't need to beat him? We just need to outl-l-last him?"

"Bingo," I confirmed. "He can only last so long the way he is, and with his sanity shot he won't see his crash coming until it whacks him upside the head. All we have to do is wait for his energy levels to flatline—!"

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU BASTARDS!?"

I flinched as the manor shook around us from the force of the bellow, a worrying amount of dust falling on my head and prompting me to start scrambling down the cranny we were stuffed into.

"…which could take awhile, during which time he could still find us all and grind us into paste, so I think we'd better burn the candle at both ends by giving him a push," I continued. "In pursuit of that goal, our first order of business is to figure out what exactly Moria can do now. Right off the bat, the most obvious thing is that he's not just capable of controlling his own shadow anymore, but others around him."

"Well, if it's any comfort, I don't think he can control our shadows!" Brook commented, with at least a hint of positivity. "He's passed me close by once or twice, but he hasn't taken the opportunity to parade me out and torture me for his amusement." Above us, Moria let loose another deranged cackle. "And I don't think he's quite mad enough to willingly pass up that opportunity."

I nodded in agreement. "Makes sense. He always needed a big pair of scissors and a particularly bright light to steal someone's shadow, he couldn't just take it without effort, so controlling them must still be out of his wheelhouse even now."

"But wait…" Nami interjected. "Shouldn't he still be able to tell where we are from the places he can't control, like with Soundbite's sonar?"

"DOUBT IT," Soundbite interjected. "HIS RANGE JUST SKYROCKETED TO WAY BEYOND what he normally operates with. It'd be like trying to pick a half-dozen specific dots out of AN ABSTRACT PAINTING.Trust me, learning how to handle that much awareness isn't something you do fast, EVEN WITH A CLEAR HEAD. JUST LOOK AT ME: I've had a mile- long range for months now, and I still miss things."

"Still, I assume we're not going to just push our luck and stay where we are?" Sanji asked dryly.

"If you've been sitting still like an idiot this whole time, then you deserve whatever comes to you, swirly," Zoro snorted.

"…Note to self: come up with a technique that imitates a meat grinder after we're out of this mess," Sanji grumbled.

"Ugh. Those two morons aside, what's the strategy here, Cross?" Nami asked. "Waiting him out is suicide, but so is confronting him head-on, and it's going to be next to impossible to pull a sneak attack if the shadows literally have eyes and ears."

"Not as hard as you'd think, actually…"

"Robin?" I queried.

"I think that Moria has less control over the shadows than we previously assumed," our archaeologist clarified. "He's consciously controlling the shadows he's immediately aware of, certainly, but when he's not paying attention, I believe his powers are tapping into his subconscious."

I blinked in confusion. "The hell? What led you to that—?"

I feel like I should have been used to having my question answered before I finished asking it by now. Maybe I was overthinking… but then again, how the hell could I have expected the secret passageway I was in to let out into a crowd of shades?

To be specific, I found myself standing dumbstruck in a lightly bustling crowd of effigies made of shadow, half-people as corporeal as wisps of smoke. An experimental whiff of my hand minimally disrupted one, but it re-coalesced just as swiftly without even a hint of acknowledgment.

I shuddered, pulling back my hand. "I retract the question."

"Why the hell AM I GETTING AN ADDAMS FAMILY REUNION VIBE?" Soundbite swallowed nervously.

"Greetings, dearest brother."

"GAH!" Soundbite and I yelped in sync, nearing jumping out of our respective shell and skin as we wheeled around to face… Robin, reclining on an overstuffed armchair, swirling a goblet of champagne!?

"I see you've walked into my parlor," she smirked.

"Withdrawn. TOTALLY WITHDRAWN," Soundbite shivered.

I spared a moment to nod in agreement before casting a look at Robin's drink. "Tell me, creepiest sister, do you really think it's wise to be drinking in this situation?"

"Considering how I'm fairly certain I'm down three fingers for the rest of the fight?" she remarked, holding up the hand not holding the goblet and displaying a trio of bandaged and bloodied digits.

I winced sympathetically. "Carry on."

"…I'm going to get started on that meat grinder technique now, actually," Sanji said, his voice as calm as a fresh, unmarked minefield.

"Duly noted," Lola grunted in understanding. "But back to the matter at hand, this helps us how, exactly?"

"Well, I, uh—Eh?" My stream-of-consciousness brainstorming was strangled in its crib by a sudden shuffling of motion. Turning around, I was treated to the sight of the umbral assembly parting clean down the middle. "What the heck?"

"Well, now," Robin mused, standing from her seat to peer over the crowd. "It would appear that we have a guest of honor."

"Do we, now…?" I wondered. Curious, I tentatively edged my way through the crowd, passing through several shades before finally making it into the cleared path. Indeed, there was a procession marching down the aisle, with one figure in particular surrounded by others.

A… familiar figure…

A familiar figure with an unmistakable smile!

I watched, dumbstruck, as the smiling shadow was led past me. "Holy… that's… that's Gold Roger."

"What?!" Robin reeled in surprise.

"QUE!?" Soundbite concurred.

"WHAT!?" piped up… preeeetty much everyone else.

"THE PIRATE KING?! AAAAWESOOOOME!" Luffy exclaimed. "WHERE IS HE? WHERE ARE YOU?! I WANNA MEET HIM, I WANNA MEET HIM!"

"Ah, no no!" I hastily clarified. "Not the real Roger, just… a copy, an imitation, a fake that the shadows are drawing from Moria's memory."

"How the actual… wasn't Roger before Moria's time?" Franky asked.

"For the most part, yeah…" I nodded slowly. "Moria never actually met Roger, but he was present for his last day alive."

"Interesting…" Robin cupped her chin thoughtfully. "So we're standing in the middle of a shadow theatre that's recreating Moria's memory of Gold Roger's Execution…"

"His powers must have been able to pick it out of his head at random because of how broken his psyche is, and I doubt that this is the only scene like it that's going on at the moment," I added, tacking on a sympathetic wince as a thought occurred to me. "Eesh, with how his brain is right now, I bet if he walked in on one of these displays, he wouldn't be able… to…"

I trailed off as my synapses started to fire on overdrive.

"Your stunned silence is either very reassuring or an indicator of doom, Cross. Mind doing us all a favor by not leaving us in suspense?" Boss demanded.

"Oh, sure, kill my coping mechanism," I scoffed before smirking. "But fine. I just came up with a plan. Just two questions first. Franky, have you refilled yet?"

"Soundbite led me to the kitchen as soon as we got to the manor, Cross."

"Just making sure. Other question: does anyone have any objections to preying on a mentally infirm person's trauma?"

The responses ran the gamut from "No,", "Nah," and "Nope," to "Fuck this bastard but good."

I steepled my fingers with a malevolent grin. "Excellent."

BOOM!

We all glanced up nervously as the room suddenly shook, dust falling from the ceiling.

"Might want to RUSH IT, CROSS. Moria's tired enough of looking for things that move THAT NOW HE'S ATTACKING THINGS THAT DON'T."

"Rushing," I confirmed with a wince. "Here's what we'll do…"

-o-

Gecko Moria, Warlord of the Sea and currently mad as a hatter, snarled and muttered like a scorned ex-boyfriend, his berserk but widespread awareness amplifying his senses and keeping his search for someone, anyone he could attack. Unfortunately for him, nothing was forthcoming. The only bodies he came across were the purified corpses of his zombie army, which did very little to help his mentality, his already frayed sanity unraveling at a pace that would have terrified most telepaths.

Lashing out at another wall, punching a Doppelman-shaped hole through it like a macabre cartoon, his frustration made itself known in an enraged roar.

"Where the unholy Aesir ARE THOSE PESTS?!"