Chapter 46 - Ice Hunter Pt 2 2/2

And with that, we both began powerwalking down the hallway, until we came to a small shrine for the Virgin Mary where Don Accino was attempting to keep his calm. A feat that was clearly made difficult by our intrusion, based on the fact that the nearest candles flared three times hotter.

"What is it?" he growled, not even deigning to look back at us.

Soundbite and I cast uneasy glances at Vivi, but she didn't even flinch at the attention.

"You mentioned earlier that you were going to attempt to 'get hammered', but when you came out to greet the Hirunos, you were stone cold sober." She said it as a statement, rather than a question.

Don Accino started to turn his head…

"You accomplished that by flaring your temperature and boiling all of the alcohol from your body."

And promptly went ramrod still.

Vivi wasn't even close to finished. "The reason you always go shirtless is that your sweat flash-boils on contact with your skin, and if you wore a shirt, either the moisture would weigh you down or the steam from your collar would cause you to asphyxiate. And when you're alone with your children, you always find your temperature automatically regulating itself to the approximate heat of a campfire: warm and comforting, so that they feel safe."

The Don slowly lumbered around to stare at us, his expression and temperature flickering between hesitant uncertainty and outrage. "How," he growled out furiously.

Vivi, however, met his stare head on. "Don Accino, earlier you said that you're only going through with this wedding because you don't see any other choice to provide for your family's well-being and maintain your bounty-hunting career, with the increasing strength of pirates and the Hirunos harassing you at every turn." She placed her hand on her chest. "I can give you that choice."

The heat dimmed slightly as Accino's anger faded to something of a flat look. "I hope that you don't intend to offer me a position on your crew."

"Trust me, that idea appeals as little to us as it does to you," I stated with a flat look of my own. "But no, this isn't Straw Hat business." I swept my arm out to indicate Vivi. "It's Alabastan business."

Vivi crossed her arms, eyes filled with determination and gaze locked with the Don. "Given the severance of ties with the World Government, the Kingdom of Alabasta still recognizes me as its princess. And with the authority of that title, I would like to offer you the country's highest honor and authority outside of the royal family itself: that of one of the country's Royal Guardians."

Don Accino's eyebrows rose, his anger fading completely in favor of curiosity. "In spite of me not being a Zoan like your current two Guardians?"

That actually got a blink from me. "Wait, how—?"

"Chaka the Jackal and Pell the Falcon, worth ฿50 and ฿55 Million respectively," Accino deadpanned.

"…Right," I coughed into my fist.

Vivi, who I guess had been keeping up with the news of her country more than me, just smiled as she shook her head in denial. "I'm offering the position because you're not a Zoan. You see, the reason I know so much about the finer mechanics of the Hot-Hot Fruit is that in my country, it has another name: the Rage of Alabasta. Your powers are one of my kingdom's national treasures, right alongside Chaka and Pell's…" Her smile twitched slightly as her hand clenched into a murderous grip. "And Crocodile's."

Even behind his sunglasses I could see when Accino blinked in surprise before slowly looking down at his hands. "My powers… are that significant?"

"I can name no fewer than seven instances where your powers have saved my nation and its people, and those were just the instances where its user acted alone," Vivi confirmed with a wistful smile, before shifting to solemn.

"The Rage was lost to us several centuries ago, when it was stolen by pirates and taken out to sea. And now that I've finally found it again…" Vivi reached into her pocket, withdrew a familiar-looking hourglass-shaped object and held it out to the Don. "I've kept two Eternal Poses to Alabasta with me as a reminder of my home. If you would be willing to travel to and live in Alabasta, I would entrust this one to you so that you could make the voyage. Now more than ever, my father would be grateful beyond measure for your return, and he would be willing to offer you and your family lodgings in the royal palace and all of the luxuries afforded of it. As one of the country's guardians, you would be loved and respected by everyone in the kingdom, and you would have no shortage of fights to preserve your lifestyle, especially in these trying times. Your powers will be at their absolute strongest in the desert, both day and night, and you would have access to all records of past users, to understand the full extent of your abilities."

"And if you're worried about your collection, don't be," I piped up. "Not only will there always be pirates utterly stupid enough to try attacking Alabasta, but with the Marines as your enemy, you'll be able to double your collection. Marine flags might be uniform, but you gotta admit, there's gotta be something appealing about the idea of collecting the coats of officers, no?"

Accino's lips quirked upwards in a brief smirk, then his expression shifted back to neutral.

"I will admit, the offer is very appealing," the Don admitted. "But aside from your knowledge of my powers, however admittedly in-depth… how am I to be sure that you're not simply fabricating everything else, trying to save yourself?"

"If I may?" I piped up, then powered on before Vivi could open her mouth. "You said yourself that you've been listening to the SBS since the first day with almost religious fervor, right? Well, based on that, answer this: would Vivi, almost universally loved in her home nation Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, lie about this?"

Vivi's attention returned to the Don, whose expression was quickly fading into serious contemplation. Seeing that, she smiled, and tucked the pose back into her pocket.

"I'll give you the time you need to think about it. In the meantime, however, we'll continue on the deal we've already made."

She bowed, then began walking back out of the room, and I followed behind her.

"Well, I'd say that went as well as it could have," I cheerfully observed.

"Agreed," Vivi nodded thoughtfully. "Given the drastic change in lifestyle, I wouldn't expect him to accept right away, but given the… alternative…" She shivered, then shook her head. "Either way, though, until he accepts, we need to keep the plans going, if only so that the Hirunos don't suspect anything."

I nodded in agreement, and with that, she raised her monocle to her eye and—

I snapped my hand to my back pocket, and paled when I found the damned piece of glass to be absent. "Ohh, shite." I only had enough time to realize just how utterly I was screwed before she snapped her gaze back to me and practically pinned me like a bug.

"So, the next orders of business. Cross, I am going to the kitchen both to tell Sanji to start laying out what food he's finished preparing and to have Chopper look over my arm. You go find Nami, and tell her to recruit Arbell if she's willing so that we can all have appropriate attire for this event. I'll send Chopper to help if he's available, but whatever happens, I won't have us looking like we walked in off the streets. And finally…" She leaned in to snarl in Soundbite's face. "Find. Luffy."

"I-I-I've been trying!" he whimpered fearfully. "BUT I CAN'T HEAR him anywhere! It's like HE'S PULLED A ZORO, OR A NAMI!" He then glanced away and muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "Or a you."

"What was that?"

"YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE!" Soundbite sang.

"Less using your eyes, more using your damn ears," Vivi ordered irritably. "And don't you stop until you find that rubber monkey! Am I clear!?"

"Crystal," I managed to sigh rather than bite out.

Nodding, Vivi swept past me and out of the room. As soon as she was out of earshot, I looked at my partner, and pitched my voice low enough that even I couldn't hear it, while at the same time minimizing the movement of my lips.

"Alright, real first things first: keep an eye on that Burrato fellow. I might pity the hell out of him, but the last thing we need is for him to pull a runner…" I coughed a chuckle into my fist as a thought occurred to me. "Or worse, for him to accidentally slap the ring on a corpse."

"Not a fan of Tim Burton?"

"Oh, no, I am." I shuddered dramatically. "I'm just not a fan of the idea of running through his works twice in a row."

"…I dunno if that sounds FUN OR TERRIFYING."

"The answer, as it should ever be, is yes. Anyway…" My gaze hardened. "Connect me to Conis."

Soundbite promptly cut his laughter off in favor of our gunner's curious gaze. "Cross? What's wrong? We just saw the Hirunos leave, is everything alright?"

"Well, that depends," I borderline snarled. "Do we have any explosives that can be easily and quickly remotely detonated?"

"Uh… yeah, Usopp, Chopper and I came up with the idea a while back, and we've got a dozen or two working prototypes in Sunny's hold, and… we think that the detonator we worked up with what Soundbite told us about radio waves should work. Why do you ask?"

I turned a glare in the general direction of the object of my ire. "Because Madam Hiruno decided to try and rot Vivi's arm off with frostbite for shits and giggles."

Conis was pointedly silent for a second before slowly glancing to the side. "So, I'll just go ahead and tell Boss and his students to line their ship's keel, then?"

"Yeah, you go do that," I agreed, moving to chop my hand across my throat before a thought occurred to me. "Oh, and if the penguins try to stop them, tell them the order came from Arbell. It's technically true anyways."

"Will do," she nodded, and with that the connection was dropped.

My partner grinned wickedly as I turned around. Then I paused, and spoke again as I started walking, this time not bothering to be quiet. "One more thing: pass on a message to the TDWS…"

As I walked and talked, I worked to suppress a sadistic grin from spreading across my face. This whole thing was shaping up to be one hell of a blowout.

The only potential major hurdle I could think of would be staying out of that Cold-Cold witch's way, but c'mon, how hard could that be?

~o~

I really, really needed to hold that seminar on taunting Murphy and why not to do it, even if I even had to practice it in my damned thoughts. Of course, that was assuming I made it out of this alive, anyway.

Which I was sort of concerned about, as evidenced by both Vivi and myself inching backwards away from the demonic incarnation of the seventh damned ring itself. Seriously, Aokiji was more inviting than the ice-laden pint-sized hag who was freezing the ground and advancing on us at the same rate we were scrambling back from her.

"I'm going to take my time with your crew," Madam Hiruno hissed. "I've been slow with many in the past, but you… for this insult, I swear that you will be special. I'm going to kill you. All of you. One by one, slowly enough that your blood will have long congealed before you die of starvation and start to—!"

"WHAT'S WRONG, KERATIN ASS!? IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOUR AIM IS AS BAD AS YOUR STUDENTS!"

"SUCK AN EGG, LEAD WING!" SLAM!

In spite of ourselves, all three of us glanced to the side, where Boss and Skipper had apparently gotten into a brawl. Which seemed to have resulted in the floor caving beneath Boss' strength as he slammed his rope-dart down onto the spot where Skipper had been standing on the Franky-grade food table moments earlier. Which seemed to have turned it into a seesaw, sending the cauldron of 'punch' (or, as I preferred to more accurately call it, freshly cooked lava) flying up and up and up, and then it started falling. Upside-down. Right towards us.

"MOVE, DIPSHITS!"

Thanks to Soundbite's ear-rending interjection, Vivi and I managed half-scramble, half-leap away from the cauldron's point of impact. Hiuo Hiruno, however, rooted to the floor as she was by her layering of ice, did not.

Point of fact? She was the point of impact, the cauldron slamming down on exactly the spot she was standing through some insane twist of fate and utterly engulfing her in its unholy liquids.

There was a singular, brief moment of silence, even in the roaring madness of the church-encompassing brawl, and then…

"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" the witch's screech of unholy agony all but rent the air. "IT BURNS! IT BUUURNS! THE AGONY, THE AAAGONY! I'M MELTING! MEEEEELTIIIIING!"

Soundbite winced at the screams before snickering. "I WILL NOT HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING!"

The little imp's tar (or 'punch', either or) black humor kickstarted my mind back into action, allowing me to grin maniacally as I turned my gaze to the nearest combatant and raised a finger. "Check, please!"

"YOU!"

"Oi, this guy…" Soundbite and I chorused under our breaths, glancing up at Pavarotto. The Hirunos' conductor, much like the rest of the Hirunos, honestly, had seen much better days. His dignified sliminess had been reduced to pathetic shreds under an earlier onslaught that had left him with tattered, stained, burned clothes and livid red blistered skin everywhere else.

In hindsight? I think that the raging shiner I gave him right when shit hit the fan might have been overkill.

"You… You raging bastards…" Pavarotto huffed and wheezed breathlessly. "When I'm… through with you…" He shakily raised what was left of his baton at us. "You're not going to be fit… for mince—!"

"SHUT IT!"

THWACK!

"Ooooh…" Soundbite and I winced sympathetically as a haymaker from Vivi laid the conductor out flat. Yeah, if he wasn't fit to be swallowing teeth before—?

Vivi snorted fiercely as she glared at the downed bounty hunter. "Right, that's him dealt with…" She snapped her furious gaze back to me. "Now as for you."

I took a second to process that before adopting a deadpan. "Really? You really want to do this again? Here? Now!?"

The flat look on her face answered that question clearly enough, prompting me to roll my eyes. And then we rammed our foreheads together and started spitting fire in one another's faces.

"If it wasn't for your freaking obsessive—!"

"It's your fault with all the sabotage you—!"

"You outright said before we started this shitfest that it wouldn't go—!"

"And how much of that was by design instead of—!"

"It's your fault, Vivi!"

"No, it's your fault, Cross!"

"NO, IT'S—wait a second," I interrupted myself, drawing back and cupping my chin with a contemplative frown. "When I really think back about it, while this chaos isn't my fault—!"

Vivi hissed in a furious breath.

"It's not like it's really yours, either!"

That got a blink of surprise from Vivi, and she was silent for a second before she rolled her fingers.

"Look, in the end?" I spread my hands helplessly. "No matter how you cut it, all you did was set up the cards, and given the context you gave me, I can't really find it in me to blame you for that."

Vivi matched my frown, cupping her chin as well. "And… honestly, all you did was capitalize on the chaos once everyone started yelling, right… But, wait, if it's not your fault, and it's not mine…"

"MOVE IT, YOU TWO!" Zoro barked as he jogged past us with Luffy balanced on his shoulder.

"MMMPH! MMMPH!" Luffy hollered, struggling against the length of rope that he'd been hogtied into.

She watched them both with a heavy sweatdrop. "And it's definitely not Luffy's, seeing as I personally cut that train of nonsense off at the pass…"

"Then the fault goes to whoever CAUSED THIS WHOLE HULLABALOO IN THE FIRST PLACE. As I recall, the exact KICKOFF WAS…?" Soundbite trailed off uncertainly.

"Oh, yeah, most definitely, we can't argue that," I nodded in agreement, surreptitiously ducking a plate that had thrown at my head in the same movement.

"But that was only the exact event!" Vivi protested. "And I don't see how that could have happened without some kind of involvement from our crew! So the real question is, who—?"

"If you're both quite finished?"

"GAH!"/"SONNUVA!"

Vivi and I both jumped in shock on account of the ex-assassin who'd just popped up next to us.

"Freaking hell, Robin!" I snarled in her way too calm face. "Wear a damn bell, would you!?"

"If you must insist on maintaining your habit of sneaking up on people and giving them heart attacks, can you limit it to non-life-or-death situations?" Vivi agreed waspishly.

"I'll take that into consideration," Robin chuckled before casting a wary glance at the ongoing brawl. "But in all seriousness, I think they're starting to break out the guns, so we should really—!"

"SON OF A FEATHER-RAT!"

I jumped at Soundbite's sudden holler and shot a glare at him. "What the hell, slimeball?! I know you've always been slow, but this is a new—!"

"NOT THAT, DILLWEED!" Soundbite roared back. "I JUST REMEMBERED! I KNOW WHAT KICKED THIS WHOLE SHITFEST INTO MOTION!"

~o~

-30 MINUTES REMAINING-

"Um, excuse me?"

Robin looked up from the book she was reading, her eyes looking around curiously…

"Down here!"

Her attention was drawn downward to a lone penguin standing at her feet and waving at her.

"Hello!" the penguin pleasantly greeted her.

"Ah, hello there." She shut her book and smiled politely. "Private, was it? Am I needed outside?"

"Ah, nonono, we've got everything handled out there, no need to bother yourself!" the penguin smiled pleasantly before looking down sadly. "I'm, ah… I'm here to ask something of a personal favor from you. You seem like a… nice enough person, I suppose, and you're not doing anything, so I was hoping… would you mind going into the back and having a quick talk with Lil?"

Robin raised an eyebrow. "You mean the youngest Accino, who's meant to be the bride of this event?"

"Ah… yeah, her…" Private scratched the back of his head, not looking Robin in the eye. "You see, nobody in the family is with her right now, and… well, considering that we penguins can't usually talk, she often uses us to vent and all that and, well, ah…" He shrugged helplessly. "Well, we're penguins. There's only so much we can do, but we… well, I, everyone else is a bit busy… I think it would really help if she had, I dunno, someone to talk to who could talk back. So…" The cute penguin grinned uncertainly. "If you wouldn't mind—?"

"There you are, Private!"

"GRK!" The penguin fearfully snapped to attention when Skipper's voice suddenly piped up, the lead penguin sliding up to his subordinate. "A-Ah, h-hey, Skipper! Sorry about disappearing like that, I-I was just, ah…"

"Ooooh, say no more, Private, I know exactly what you're doing here!" Skipper waved him off before snapping a glare at Robin. "You're here because of her."

"…eh?" Private blinked in confusion, while Robin merely cocked her other eyebrow.

"Worry not, Private, I know exactly how these things go! This menacing succubus—" He snapped his wing up at Robin. "Was trying to use her feminine wiles to trick you, poor, innocent Private, into bailing on us and joining that travelling troupe of trouser-less troubadours that passes by every few months! You know the ladies love us Fierce Penguins, and someone as cute and cuddly as you would fetch a lot of money showing off the physique I sculpted!"

Robin did not bother responding; she had enough experience with that magnitude of paranoia to know that the only reliable options were ignoring them if they weren't a threat or killing them if they were. And though she'd done a lot of dishonorable things over the years, she liked to imagine that she was above animal cruelty. At least when Soundbite wasn't involved, at any rate.

"S-S-Skipper, I'm fine, I was just—MMPH?!"

"Shhhh sh sh sh, Private," Skipper said soothingly, a wing clamped over the rookie's beak. "I know that your poor, innocent brain must be reeling from the sheer betrayal I've uncovered, but I swear, no matter how many years of grueling, intensive therapy it takes, I will see you set straight again! Let's get started! Rico!"

"MMPH!?" Private squawked fearfully when his wild-eyed comrade suddenly popped up next to him with a manic grin.

"Yah-huh?" the psycho-penguin squawked curiously.

"Take Private down to Kowalski and give him an 'Enies Double-Down', stat!"

"Gatcha!" Rico nodded eagerly, hoisting his comrade above his head and waddling away.

"HAAALP!" Private squawked as he fearfully and futilely flailed his wings.

Skipper nodded before snapping a glare at Robin. "And as for you." He maintained eye contact for a few minutes, and then snapped his flippers from the sides of his eyes to her. He repeated the motion a few times before finally sliding away on his stomach.

"…I will never not be amazed, will I…" the archaeologist sighed. Nevertheless, seeing as she'd already brushed up on her musical skills, it wasn't as though she had anything better to do, and as such it wasn't that hard of a choice for her to shut her book and head towards the bridal chamber.

As she was about to enter the room, however, she paused at quiet sound reaching her ears, one that she recognized immediately. She promptly rapped her knuckles on the door. "Hello, Miss Lil? Is everything alright?"

The sound immediately cut off, and a few seconds later the door cracked open, allowing Lil to stare apathetically at Robin. "Oh, it's you," she drawled. "What do you—?"

In her usual procedure, Robin produced an arm inside the doorjamb and used it to shove Lil back, so that she could open the door and slide her way in, shutting the door behind her.

From there, however, she had to change her tactics a bit. This time, rather than immediately snapping her target's neck, she dropped into a kneeling position and drew Lil into a hug.

"W-W-What the—?" Lil sputtered in shock.

"I've had to muffle my own crying enough times that I know what it sounds like," Robin said quietly. "Take it from someone who knows: keeping it all locked away and letting it fester inside isn't a good habit."

Lil stiffened furiously at the words, before clamping onto Robin and burying her face in her shoulder. All at once, the tears started flowing, and she cried freely. Robin held the young tamer close, simply reassuring her with her physical presence.

After a few minutes of sobbing, Robin and Lil moved to sit on a couch in the room, with Robin gently rubbing the girl's back as she got her breath back.

"…Thank you. That helped," she said quietly.

"I'm glad, but what's wrong that you were crying?" Robin asked.

Lil let out a scoff filled to the brim with exasperation. "Well, the first part of what's wrong is that you're the very first person to ask me that since Papa came up with this plan in the first place!" She flailed her arms furiously. "Sure, you all know that we don't want to go through with this wedding, that we're only doing it because it's the only choice we have for keeping things safe for us. All of us know that. But despite that, nobody ever asked my damn opinion!"

Lil leapt off the couch and started pacing furiously, clawing at her hair. "Seriously, I felt like bashing my head against the wall when Papa told your crewmates that it would be, and I quote, 'the height of bad form to not gain the consent of whom it affects most.' Papa didn't ask me about going through with this before he recruited all of you, and Arbell didn't ask if I didn't want to go through with this before she asked your crew to sabotage the whole thing!"

"But…" Robin tilted her head to the side curiously. "She's correct, I take it?

"I DON'T—!" Lil cut herself off, and continued her ranting more quietly. "I don't know. I don't want to be related in any way to the Hirunos. That woman, she's… she's a monster, but…" She lowered her head into her hand, sighing. "I hate the witch. I hate that stuck-up conductor, I hate their vultures, and I hate the rest of her brood. But Burrato… I've met him before. Went to a school with him for a while, before Papa and the witch found out that we were both going there and they leveled the place. Our similar ages are the only reason this whole farce is happening in the first place, but as much as I don't want to get married to the Hirunos…"

She groaned and trudged back to the couch, sinking into the seat. "The fact is that if we keep fighting each other, if the grudge keeps up, then he could be hurt, or worse. And if I break it off, I know that he'll probably be hurt too, and… and he just doesn't deserve that. So, what do I do?"

Robin was silent for only a moment before smiling lightly. "So in summary, you're caught between what your family wants and what your groom needs. If I might be honest, it sounds like you've become your own worst enemy."

Lil shot a despondent glance at her impromptu confidant. "And how's that."

"Because now you're doing the exact same thing you complained about your family doing." Robin tapped her finger against Lil's forehead. "You're not considering what you want."

Lil blinked. Then her expression became flat again. "…And what am I supposed to do if I don't know what that is?"

Robin chuckled softly. "Speaking as someone who has only very recently discovered what I want out of my life? I believe it will make itself clear when the time is right."

"…that is an unsatisfying, unhelpful answer."

Robin cocked her head to the side with a kind smile. "There's only one answer to that accusation: Pirate."

The girl scowled at that answer, but before she could respond, she was interrupted.

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

Lil glanced upward, her expression fearful. "The bells… that means…"

"Lil?"

Said girl nearly jumped out of her skin when there was a sudden knock on the room's door, and Arbell's voice came through.

"Lil, it's just about time for the ceremony. Do you want me to help you put on your dress?"

"…No. No, I'm old enough, I can handle it myself," Lil replied neutrally, looking at Robin all the while.

"Well…" Arbell hesitated before sighing reluctantly. "Alright, if you say so. Papa will be here in a couple of minutes to accompany you. I… I'm sorry that things have managed to get this far, but… I don't know why, but I honestly think that the Straw Hats will be able to pull this off."

Slowly, a smile came over Lil's face to match Robin's. "You know… I think they will too."

"Heh, glad to hear it. Well, I'll see you on the altar soon, baby sister."

"Yeah, see you soon!" Lil called out. She then listened intently to the sound of her sister's footsteps leaving before shooting a panicked look at Robin. "I was lying through my teeth, I have no idea how to put that dress on and you have, like, twenty hands and help me!"

-o-

-5 MINUTES REMAINING-

I let out a sigh of relief as I walked next to Vivi, who was slowly sliding her finger down a clipboard as she listed items off.

"Alright, let's list off. The buffet?"

I cast a wary glance at the only just not-on-fire table that I could feel heat radiating from. "Inedible for anyone on the face of the planet aside from the Don, Ace, Akainu, and possibly dragons, but complete and looking… halfway presentable." I repressed a shudder as I eyed the big black bubbling cauldron of evi—I mean punch, which was set at the end of the spread. "Though the punch especially is unsalvageable. I have no idea how it's possible to cook something hot enough to melt steel, but I'm fairly certain that Sanji managed it."

"Mmph," Vivi tsked dismissively. "The decorations?"

"Lookin' super!" Franky cheered as he struck a pose before the surprisingly fractally ornate decorations he'd set up around the hall. "Complete and reinforced against hot and cold."

"I think that the paintings I did up there should work too," Usopp nodded as he jabbed his thumb upward. "Though I still couldn't get the twins to agree on a color scheme, so I went with both. Does it look good?"

"Satisfactory." Vivi gave him an offhanded thumbs-up without even a glance. "The gifts?"

"Sowted and awwanged as best as we could manage," Carue confirmed, saluting next to the table of wrapped gifts he and Funkfreed were flanking. He then flinched hesitantly as he scratched the back of his head. "Though, ah, thewe's still a bit of an issue. Wemembah that pygmy sperm whale, da one with da tentacles? Well, ah, how ta put dis…"

"GAH!" Lassoo gasped as he jabbed his ink-stained head out from under the table, panting desperately. "It had… a friend… and it definitely had squid blood… because this pygmy humpback whale… has octopus blood…"

"Seriously, this is ridiculous," Funkfreed groused as he rooted around under the table with his trunk. "How the hell is that thing even more vicious than the sperm whale!? It has less tentacles, shouldn't the viciousness go down with the number of—YEOW!" he yelped as he snapped his trunk back. "Which one bit me!?"

"ME, YOU LEATHERY ASSHOLE!" Su yowled. "WATCH WHO YOU GROPE WITH THAT THING, DAMN IT!"

"Hweehweehwee—huh?" Lassoo's chuckling cut off in favor of a confused glance behind himself before paling. "Nononono—YIPE!" Aaaand with that he was yanked back under the table and the scuffle resumed.

"…Well, if nothing else, whoever sent those things are certainly getting their money's worth," I remarked.

"Well, as long as they're not going anywhere for now… alright. The cake?"

"A genuine masterpiece," I said sincerely, eyeing the ten-tiered pastry. "With any luck, it should serve to tide everyone over if they get hungry."

"Music?"

"Robin?" I called over to the organ.

I was answered by a very familiar tune.

"Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor, niiiice," Soundbite whistled.

"Yeah, it's handled," I deadpanned, trying and failing to shake the uneasy feeling that had come over me.

"Guests?"

"Nami?" I asked.

"I can see several ships fast approaching on the horizon now," she informed us, before contorting Soundbite's mouth into a grimace. "But… unless I'm counting wrong? There are about… half as many more on their way here than we originally planned. And I don't think they're here for the cake, either."

"We'll deal with them if they try anything," Vivi waved her off dismissively. "Moving on. Bride and groom?"

I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "Lil's in the back with her family, the Hirunos are on their ship, waiting for the appropriate time. Accino insisted that we swap who approached the altar, but I don't think it'll be that big of a deal. Ah…" I glanced hesitantly at her. "Right?"

"Mmm," Vivi waved her hand indifferently, thankfully enough. "Everyone dressed properly?"

"For the most part," I nodded, accompanied by a tug at the collar of my freshly stitched tux.

"I'll second that 'for the most part'," Boss grunted, fiddling with the rinky-dink bowtie that he and the rest of his students had been fitted with. "Though I still don't see the point of this damn high-society noose!"

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded emphatically as he yanked at his own bowtie. "We all go around naked, for Pete's sake!"

"Oh, I dunno!" Private mused eagerly as he poked his tie. "I think that these make us all look rather dashing, don't they?"

"Yeah, you would, wouldn't you?" Raphey growled darkly, looking mere moments away from wringing the penguin's neck.

"No, Private is actually quite right," Kowalski mused, drawing out his abacus and slapping its beads about. "These bowties actually serve to increase our cuteness by a factor of 6.7, our complimentality has matured by a full 105 points, and our suavity has increased by 15.78%."

"Ah… actually, if I may?" Donny flicked a few of the abacuses beads before grinning. "You forgot to carry the 6."

Kowalski eyed the results for a second before blinking. "So I did. Make that 16.22%. Thank you for your assistance."

"Heh, no proble—!"

THWACK!

"OW!"

"No fraternizing with the enemy," Boss ordered.

"Aww, what's wrong, Bessy?"

Boss set his jaw as Skipper sidled up to him, sneering all the while.

"Can't handle your subordinates not doing every little thing you say?" the lead penguin asked. "Because that's where you and I differ! Me, I trust my boys implicitly, to always do what they have to and to never do anything stupid or dangerous! Right, Rico?"

"Eh?" Rico looked away from the bunch of swords he'd been juggling and hastily hid them behind his back with a too-wide grin. "Ah… yeh yeh yeh!"

"You monochrome little…" Boss scowled at the penguin.

"Shell-headed piece of…" Skipper leered right back.

"No fighting until we're actually done here!" Vivi ordered harshly.

"YES'M!" The pair snapped into mirrored salutes, though they were still glaring at each other out of the corners of their eyes.

"Anyway… the last item I can think of would be…" Vivi trailed her finger down the clipboard, adopting a scowl once it came to a halt. "Luffy. Whose location I'm guessing we still don't know?"

"Huh? What are you talking about? I'm over here!"

Vivi, Soundbite and I snapped our heads around to the sight of Luffy standing a short distance away, behind the cross-shaped pool, on a chalked-out X and holding a long piece of rope that ran up to the ceiling. Wait, what?

"Captain?" I asked, trying to ignore the sudden yawning chasm in my gut. "Where exactly have you been?"

"Shishishi! I've been working on this!" Luffy answered, pointing his finger upward. "See, since I knew that Sanji wasn't going to let me anywhere near the food table—"

"For the record, you mean the literally hot-as-a-volcano food table," Vivi flatly clarified.

"Yeah, that one! Anyway, I figured since Sanji and Chopper wouldn't let me near it, I'd have to get it a different way. So, I decided to be smart! I borrowed some of Franky's spare blueprints, and made this biiig contraption that'll bring all the food right over to this X!" Luffy grinned, brushing his sandal across the chalk. "So, all I need to do is yank on this rope, and then—!"

"I've heard enough," Vivi interrupted. "Luffy, if you'd be so kind, would you mind standing still for a second?"

"Eh?" Luffy blinked at her in surprise. "Ah… sure thing, Vivi, why do you ask?"

"So that I can do this!"

Vivi sped over to Luffy so fast I swear she Shaved, and then… well, if there was any lingering doubt in my mind before that she was a master of rope-like weaponry, the fact that she hogtied Luffy in the small amount of rope that was within reach, in a matter of seconds, removed it.

"…welp," I drawled, eyeing Luffy's tangled form with a decent amount of awe. "That's certainly one way to put him out of commission."

"GET ME DOWN FROM HE—MMPH?!"

Vivi dusted off her hands as she walked back over to me. "Not even he can or will chew through a gag of salt beef. And it's not technically mutiny if he hasn't completed the order."

"…Note to self: never, ever get involved in a wedding again," I muttered.

"With our luck? Fat chance."

"Actually, I think this one is actually a safe bet," I stated; after all, the only other wedding I knew of in the story was the one on Thriller Bark that never was, and wouldn't ever even have a remote chance to be if I had anything to say about it. So, given Oda's stance on romance, once this mess was over, I would never have to deal with a wedding again. And certainly not another arranged wedding made for the sake of a military alliance.

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I jumped fearfully as Soundbite suddenly started cackling at the top of his lungs like a lunatic. "Sonnuva—what's so flipping funny!?"

"I-I-I don't know!" Soundbite wheezed through his laughter. "I-I-IT FEELS LIKE I JUST HUFFED A FULL TANK OF DAMN NITROUS!"

"Well, whatever's wrong, fix it," Vivi ordered. "And once you have…"

She took a deep, calming sigh, and turned a determined look on the doors.

"Tell everyone to get into position. We're starting."

-o-

-TIME'S UP-

That done, I quickly parked myself at the head of the church, set off from the side of the altar. From there I had an excellent view of the guests filing in, and boy howdy, it was a colorful cast indeed.

For starters, Nami had been perhaps understating things just a tad. It seemed like every two-bit mercenary, bounty hunter, and Government privateer within a hundred-mile radius was crammed into the pews. And in an impressive display of the sheer influence of the Accino and Hiruno families, they had immediately divided themselves into two very well-armed camps, each taking half the pews.

The Accino side looked… dignified. Professional. There was a lot of gray hair. These guys were all veterans, their clothes subdued and well-suited for both a wedding and a battle. Weapons, ranging from mundane swords and pistols all the way up to a ten-foot-long katana and a hammer I had glimpsed that had six gun barrels built into its head, were politely stowed but easily within reach. Overall, the image of the bounty hunter the community probably liked to present: distinctive, yet respectable.

The Hiruno side was more diverse, and far less respectable. Oh, there were some guys that would have fit in on the Accino side if they added some salt to their pepper, but for the most part? They were a bunch of hooligans with weapons, hollering and jeering at the Accino side, waving weapons that were kludged together when they weren't basic crap, and dressed mostly like they'd rolled out of bed after a week-long bender. But the universal theme? Youth. These guys were young, disrespectful upstarts throughout.

To put it another way, the split mirrored the situation of the main families eerily well. It was almost as though some greater power had planned it all oh I'm going to KILL that omnipotent shitstain one day.

Speaking of main families, the key Accinos—Lil, Don, and Arbell—were parked at the altar. Don and Lil had looks of intense concentration, brows furrowed, lips pursed, and gazes looking out at nothing. Arbell, meanwhile, merely wore a mask of resigned anticipation, though a good part of that could have been due to Salchow being seated with the rest of the Accinos. Seriously, the bond those two shared was as sickening as it was heartwarming.

I have to admit, though, Lil's dress looked stunning. It was the usual bright white, and from her neck down to mid-thigh it was covered in rough ridges and surprisingly form-fitting. Below mid-thigh the skirt flared out, and it left her arms bare. A belt of roses completed the dress. The accessories were few but effective: a silver bracelet with a blue gem set in it, and the usual veiled headdress.

I had barely finished my observations when the doors to the church flew open, Burrato, Hiuo, and Pavarotto striding in like they owned the place. While the latter two looked exactly the same as they had when we first met them, Burrato was dressed in a well-fitted tux, and honestly? He looked pretty good in it. The power of a good tailor, everyone. Sadly, though, no amount of high fashion could serve to wipe away the terrified and twitchy look the poor guy had on his face.

Anyway, as Burrato started towards the aisle, Robin produced a few extra arms and set about tickling the ivories, filling the air with the dulcet sounds of… of… NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN!?

"ON IT!" I cut Vivi off before she could say a word, sped along quite a bit by the room flooding with conflicting waves of hot and cold air. As such, it was straight to the organ and grabbing Robin's arms. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?" I hissed incredulously.

"Playing… music?" she asked, visibly ignorant of what the issue was. "What's wrong? I thought that was an appropriate piece?"

"An appropriate—!? Haven't you ever been to a wedding before!?" I demanded.

Robin's look fell flatter than a piece of paper.

"I mean to assassinate somebody!"

"Oh." She blinked in surprise. "Well, yes, plenty of times, but usually I was efficient enough to be done before things could actually get underway, and even if both halves of the involved parties were still alive, they never really felt like going through with the ceremony."

"Grrghghh…" I groaned. Then, shaking my head, I began flipping through the pages of the book until I came to the wedding march. "Just… play this, alright?"

Robin nodded and started playing again, and I was forced to run right back and jab my finger at the opposite page in the damn book. "The one literally titled Wedding March," I ground out. "Not Hall of the freaking Mountain King!"

Robin blinked at the sheet music for a moment before smiling sheepishly at me. "Yes, that would make sense, wouldn't it?"

I could only groan and slap my hand to my face as I started shuffling back towards the altar. "And we are off to a spectacular start…"

"Why didn't you just have ME play the damn song!?"

"Two reasons: first, it's more genuine coming from somebody actually playing, rather than from you copying it off the boob-tube—!"

"HURTFUL!" Soundbite chirped cheerfully.

"And second!…if we let you do it, then you'd probably play a version composed solely of farts."

"YEAH, I would…" the evil snail sighed wistfully.

Finally, Robin started up the appropriate music, and the Hirunos set off down the aisle. Aside from the organ, the church was dead. You could have heard a mote of dust land. Which is probably the only reason I heard an odd knocking sound, like two ceramic tiles being banged together.

"What is—" I began, only for Soundbite to pre-empt me.

"Burrato's knees. KNOCKIN' LIKE Marines without a warrant."

A glance confirmed that yes, Burrato's knees were knocking together like mad. Ah, well. As long as he got up to the altar and stayed standing long enough, it wouldn't matter.

Despite that, though, that pit in my stomach from earlier had returned full-force, and wasn't going away. I was missing something, clearly, but what? We'd done all the setup, the wedding itself was so far going just fine… what the hell else could we have done?!

It wasn't until Burrato stepped up to the altar next to Lil that I realized what was going on, and I could feel my eyes popping out. And Don and Vivi, from their bug-eyed, slack-jawed expressions, grasped the problem, too.

"Where…" Vivi snarled, steadily crushing her clipboard between her hands. "In the name of Osiris' rotting. Blue. Crotch. Is the PRIEST?!" She emphasized the last word by snapping her clipboard in half.

Okay, I take back what I said earlier: this was dust-drop silence, because she was right. No priest. No priest, no wedding. A mercenary took that moment to come up to Vivi, and whispered in her ear.

"WHAT IN RA'S NAME DO YOU MEAN 'THE PRIEST IS GONE'?!" Vivi would have roared if Soundbite hadn't had the forethought to slash her volume.

"W-W-We tried to tell you earlier!" the mercenary stuttered. "Apparently, he thought that your crewmate's epithet of 'D-Devil Child' was literal, and he—!"

I caught Vivi's arm before she could successfully grab the poor mook's neck. "Run, now," I hissed. Thankfully, the poor bastard had the brains to do just that.

Vivi wrenched her limb from my grip and threw her hands up in exasperation. "Well, we're going to need a replacement, then."

She then promptly turned towards ME?! "Take the damn book, get on the altar, and do this thing."

"Ah-buh-I-you—WHAT THE FUCK?! How the hell am I qualified for this?! I don't have any authority here! In case you forgot, I got these—!" I held up my metal-encased arm and waved it in her face. "Rejecting the existence of God! You should know, seeing as you were there!"

"The captain of a ship has the authority to marry people," Vivi frigidly informed. "But seeing as he's…"

"MMMMPH!"

"Indisposed at the moment, then that privilege goes down the chain of command. I wouldn't put Zoro up there if he was the last man on earth; Nami's a woman and while the church might be liberal it's not that liberal, so that just leaves you."

"But—!" I tried to protest, but Vivi cut that train of thought off when she grabbed my collar and dragged me in close.

"So either you go and get on that pillar, OR I WILL PUT YOU OVER IT!"

I was a wee bit confused by that threat… uuuntil I noticed the fact that my namesake was hanging over the altar, which was my signal to get a damn move on!

So saying, I hastily ran up the steps to the altar, snatched up the Bible, turned around, and found myself facing a sea of rather unhappy-looking individuals.

"…Soundbite, think you can feed me the jargon?" I hissed desperately.

"TOO MANY VARIATIONS! Wrong one and we're screwed!" Soundbite shot back before glancing down at the good book. "ISN'T THAT THING FAMOUS FOR HAVING ALL THE ANSWERS!?"

"Worth a shot," I conceded, flipping the book open to the table of contents. I knew that this was a one in a million shot, but—wedding vows section!? I was grinning ear to ear as I flipped to the appropriate page. Hell, it looks like I might have been wrong in my beliefs all al—!

My eye twitched furiously as I found the appropriate page.

Nope, still right. Maybe back home I could be wrong, but here? Definitely no God. There was definitely a devil though, and one who had my name on speed dial.

The reason for these blasphemous thoughts? Because apparently, where most people found their strength in the Lord, the previous owner of this book found it in the damn flask he'd managed to stash by cutting out the pages!

"Soundbite?" I growled as I very slowly closed the book's covers.

"Yeah?"

"If we make it out of this alive, remind me to ask you-know-who to make that priest allergic to alcohol."

"Can do."

Still, pissed as I was, the fact remained that I was standing in the crosshairs of a damned army of bounty hunters, so either I let something come out of my mouth, or I'd be getting a bullet in my skull.

Years of sitcoms, don't you dare fail me now!

"Ah… d-dearly beloved," I started hesitantly. "W-We are gathered here today, with the purpose of joining the scions of these two, uh…" I felt a sweatdrop weigh on my head as I tried to come up with an appropriate description. "Honorable families in blessed matrimony. So, uh… uh…"

My blood ran both hot and cold as the leaders of the two families glared at me, but no amount of terror could make my mind draw anything but a damn blank. Damn you, years of sitcom, why the hell did you have to fail me now?!

…fuck it, I was a dead man anyway, might as well ram it in.

"Do you?" I asked.

There was a moment of stunned silence as Lil and Burrato exchanged confused looks, and then Lil slowly raised a finger. "Er… what?"

I sent a miserable glance skyward. "Want to get married?" I groaned.

Aaaand just like that I felt like I was getting simultaneously burned alive, frozen solid, and stabbed in the back of my head. Son of a bitch, if I wanted to make it out of this alive, I'd need the luck of the Irish!

Lil's face went blank, her body frozen in its previous position and a myriad of thoughts clearly rushing through her mind. Finally, she bowed her head, the shadows hiding her eyes. "…No."

I twitched as I tried to process what I'd just heard. "Come again?"

"I said no." Lil snapped her head up, a fire blazing in her eyes. "No, I don't want to get married!"

Screw the Irish, I was going to need the luck of the damn devil!

Especially seeing as Hiruno and Accino were ramping the temperatures in the room to Ragnarok levels.

"I suggest that you reconsider your words, you little—!" Hiuo started to hiss murderously.

"If you lay one hand on my daughter, I swear that you won't leave this building alive if it means I have to go down with you," Don Accino promised. Then he turned to face his daughter, the temperature dropping to marginally more comfortable levels. "And Lil—!"

"I'm not doing it, Papa!" Lil snapped, shaking her head.

"Lil," he… not quite pleaded, but still. "Your family needs you to—!"

"No, you want me to do it for the family, Papa!" she interrupted. "And this entire time, through this entire ordeal, you haven't asked me even once what I wanted! Has it even occurred to you that even if this could help our family, I don't want to get married yet!?"

"Lil, without this marriage, our family—!" the Don started to protest.

"I want our family to survive, Papa, I do," Lil reassured him before scowling at Hiuo. "But more than that, I want our family to live. And that's not going to happen if we have to work with a monster who's barely a step above those we hunt!"

"You little—!" Hiuo started to snarl.

"BACK. OFF," Accino shot back, looming ominously over the midget.

"Burrato, what about you?"

Both of the temperature titans turned their attention back towards their children, as the would-be bride spoke to the would-be groom, who had raised his head in response to Lil's voice.

"A-A-Ah, I-I-I—!" the poor bastard started to stammer.

Lil's expression fell flat, and she beckoned him towards her with her finger. "Burrato, you mind leaning down for a second?"

"Eh? Uh, s-s-sure," Burrato nodded shakily as he did just that. "W-W-Why d-d-do you—?"

Lil grabbed his cheeks and dragged him close so that she was staring him dead in the eyes. "Burrato!" she ordered. "I am asking you, ordering you if I have to, to pull yourself together! For five minutes! Can you do that? Can you grow a pair for five minutes?"

Burrato's mouth silently worked as he tried to come up with a response, any response to his bride-to-be, finally screwing his eyes shut. "I… no." He spoke quietly, but with an unmistakable stout foundation. "No. I don't want to get married, either."

"WHAT," Hiuo grit out.

"Do shut up, brother!" Pavarotto snarled, shooting his hand into his jacket for his baton. "You obviously don't know what you're—!"

"No, brother, I do know what I'm saying!" Burrato snapped, wheeling around and jabbing his finger in his sibling's face. "And what I'm saying is that I'm done staying under you and Grandmother's heels! A-All my life I've let you bully me, let you push me around. B-But now…" Burrato glanced back at Lil for a second before returning his glare to his family. "But now I'm done! I'm done being your whipping boy! Heck, I'm done with this entire family! I don't want to be a bounty hunter, and I'm not going to be one!"

Burrato raised his chin proudly as he thumbed out the edges of his jacket. "I'm going to follow my lifelong dream! I'm going to be…" He jabbed his finger out towards the horizon. "A mortician!"

My eye twitched in disbelief. "Come again?"

"Fun fact, you were right on the MONEY EARLIER!" Soundbite chuckled. "HE WAS MAKING A BEELINE FOR THE CRYPT BEFORE I scared him off!"

I slapped a hand to my face. "Oi vey…"

"Good for you, Burrato!" Lil exclaimed, clapping him on the back with a somewhat heady smile. "And hey, no matter what happens? Even if we're not going through with this, I still really like you! So… let's promise to always be friends, alright?" She concluded by holding out her pinkie to her counterpart.

Burrato smiled kindly as he knelt down and hooked his own pinkie around hers. "Friends," he promised.

Lil nodded happily. She then turned to smile at her sister. "And Arbell, I… honestly, I'm really grateful you tried to get the Straw Hats to sabotage the wedding—!"

"SH-SH-SH-SHUT IT!" I hissed, desperately jerking my hand across my throat.

Lil froze, the blood draining from her face as she realized what she was saying. "Ah... w-w-what I meant to say was—!"

"YOUR BITCH DAUGHTER TRIED TO DO WHAT!?" Madam Hiruno screeched, her voice as strident and chilling as a gale from a blizzard.

Accino's face went blank, and he nudged Lil over to Arbell. "Sweetie, would you mind watching over your sister for Papa real quick? Two seconds, Papa promises."

"Uh…" Arbell blinked in confusion as she took ahold of Lil's shoulders. "Of course, Papa, but why—?"

Aaaaand just like that Accino was tackling Hiuo, his excess of mass taking her clean off the altar. "PREPARE TO BECOME A PUDDLE, FROST MIDGET!"

"I'LL TURN YOU INTO A GLACIER, YOU BLAZING MAMMOTH!"

And with that, the two flared their powers, the temperature differences clashing like angry weather fronts, throwing up a massive wave of wind that threw the church into disarray.

Aaaand of course, both sides of the wedding were starting to gear up and eye one another like lapsed vegetarians eyed fresh meat, because why the hell not?

…eh, forget it. Time for Plan B… or was it A… C, I think? Screw it, I'm just gonna blow this mother sky high.

"RIGHT!" I shouted suddenly, gathering as much attention to myself as I could. "With all that said, by the power vested in me by the Jolly Roger of the Straw Hat Pirates!" I flicked my wrist and gripped the makeshift detonator Conis had slipped to me. "I pronounce this wedding fucked!"

And with that, I clicked the button and...

Load a nothin'.

I blinked in confusion, looking the device over before repeatedly hammering the button. Still nothing.

"Work, you stupid—!"

"Oscar-worthy performance, Ledger," Soundbite snickered.

I glared at him as I jabbed the detonator in his face. "Well, if you think you can do better—!"

CRUNCH! BOOM!

I blinked stupidly as I processed both the fact that Soundbite had bitten clean through the detonator and that a titanic explosion had shaken the air.

"…Point to you," I admitted.

"Heeheeheehohoho!"

"Aaaand as for you, I just sank your ship! Booyah!" I jabbed my finger in Pavarotto's until-now-stunned face.

Said face promptly contorted into a mask of rage as he shot his hand to his baton. "Jeremiah Cross, you son of a—!"

I shoved the Bible I was holding in his face, my armored right hand on the back cover. "The power of Christ compels you!"

SLAM!

"GWAH!" Pavarotto reeled in shock as a surprisingly sturdy flask slammed into his face and bowled him over.

"Also Impact," I chuckled as I waved my hand out before pausing and sniffing at the air. "…and vodka, apparently."

The room stilled in stunned silence for a moment, broken only by the family heads' continued clash… and that just wouldn't do, would it?

"Well, what the hell are you all waiting for?!" I demanded. "You were all set to murder each other not five minutes ago! Where'd all that enthusiasm go?!"

Boss and Skipper eyed each other, and in identical smooth motions ripped off their bowties.

"Right here," they growled in unison. And with that, they blurred out of sight before colliding in midair, flipper to flipper, accompanied by a visible shockwave of air that flipped wigs and unoccupied pews alike.

Aaaand that was the official cue for the chaos to start. Weapons were drawn and fired, and I promptly had to duck under a hail of bullets that shredded the top half of the altar.

"DEATH FROM ABOVE!"

I glanced up and damn near voided my bowels as I saw that the earlier hail of bullets had reduced the rope holding the big cross above the altar to a few threads. And with my luck?

The rope snapped the instant I threw myself forward, skidding on the floor of the church and hastily ducking behind a pew as the massive cross smashed into the altar, reducing it to splinters.

I panted desperately in an effort to get my breath back as I leaned back against just one of the many pews that had been flipped in the chaos. "Y'know, in hindsight?" I mused, casting a glance over my cover at the madness raging a few meters away. "I don't know why I expected, even for a second, any outcome other than this."

~o~

"Ooooh…" Vivi and I chorused in realization, before slamming our fists over Robin's skull. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"Ow!" Robin flinched and grabbed at the point of impact, glaring indignantly at us. "What on earth did you do that for!?"

"You're the one who told Lil to do what she felt like!" Vivi spat.

"And because of that, the tyke had the bright idea to stand up for herself in front of Momma Hypothermia! I almost got roasted and frozen in the same damn breath!" I added.

"And that sparked off THIS ENTIRE DAMN POWDERKEG!" Soundbite concurred.

"IN SUMMARY, THIS IS ALL YOUR DAMN FAULT!"

"Ah…" Robin flinched, glancing side to side in obvious search of an escape route. "I was merely sharing the advice Cross shared with me with her?"

"You would have learned that lesson with or without me," I drawled. "Try again."

"Er…" Robin slowly inched backwards, Vivi and I following her step for step. "We were… aiming to ruin this wedding anyway, so I didn't do anything wrong?"

"Alright, first off," Vivi huffed, snapping a finger up. "Not only did you ruin my dream wedding—!"

I promptly slapped the Princess upside the head, an action she didn't even react to.

"And second—" She raised a second finger. "You caused all of this shit to go down while we were still in the firing line! That ice witch almost froze us solid! What do you have to say about that!?"

"Ahhh…" Robin held a finger up for a moment before sighing and hanging her head. "My mind's a blank."

"Both of our chores, on your own," I deadpanned.

"For a month," Vivi blandly concurred.

"Grgh…" Robin moaned, dragging her hand down her face.

"Oi, Robin!"

All three of us were then broken out of the argument by Zoro's shout.

"Hurry up and get those three out of there!" the swordsman barked. "Once I cut Luffy down and the love cook breaks up Boss and that penguin, we're gone!"

For a moment, Vivi and I were silent, and then Soundbite decided to chime in. "Wait… YOU MEAN YOU LET US ARGUE this whole time when WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE LEAVING?!"

"Hardly let," Robin very reasonably pointed out as she massaged the bridge of her nose. "You were all so caught up in your own outrage that I couldn't get a word in edgewise."

Vivi's mouth twisted, as if she were chewing on something, and then she sent a pleading glance my way, to which I could only shrug. "What? She might have started this mess—!"

"I get it," Robin said wearily.

"—but that doesn't mean she's wrong."

"Let's… let's just go," Vivi groaned, kneading her forehead. "So, how do we clear—"

"Clutch."

A chorus of snapping bone sounded out, and Vivi and I poked our heads above the table we'd been huddled behind to see all the combatants in a ten-foot radius lying in pretzels on the deck.

"That works," I said, before scrambling for the exit, Vivi and Robin hot on my heels. Still, despite the urgency I couldn't help but risk a look back, and so I spotted Zoro attempting to undo the rope Luffy was hanging from—!

"JUST LIKE ERUMALU, ISN'T IT BESSY?"

"FIRST OFF, IT'S NOT ERUMALU UNTIL I SHOVE YOUR BEAK THROUGH THE DAMN WALL, AND SECOND, KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE DAMN NICKNAMES!"

—as well as Boss and Skipper still fighting.

"You didn't break them up?" I asked as we reached where Sanji was waiting with the TDWS.

"GO, BOSS, GO!"

"You kidding me?" Sanji drawled. "I've broken up enough fights on Baratie to I know that that's one I do not want to get involved in."

"Good luck, Skipper!"/ "Use the San Faldan Gambit! The San Faldan!"/"WOOHOO! HAHAHA!"

"Fair enou—eh?" I blinked in surprise at the trio of penguins standing amicably next to the TDWS. "Wait, aren't you supposed to hate each other's guts?"

"Not really," Private shrugged indifferently. "Honestly, I think that Boss and Skipper are the only ones with any real issues with each other."

"Yeah!" Mikey nodded in agreement, a wide grin on his face. "Me? Once I get past their general douchiness, these guys are pretty cool!"

"Right back at you!" Private laughed, exchanging high fives with his shell-wearing counterpart.

"…huh," I stated intelligently before shrugging and returning my attention to the bloody but ultimately unremarkable brawl between the wedding guests (did I really just say that?). As for the main players, Pavarotto's quartet was surrounding his severely battered form and fending off anyone who came close, on purpose or by accident, though it looks like they'd slipped up a bit because Salchow managed to slip past them and land a People's Elbow on his gut, and Arbell was oooh that's gotta hurt, especially with those high heels she was wearing…

Anyway, Hockera was over by the buffet table, using the inedible but very hot items upon it to shoot down the vultures that had flown in, Burrato was standing off to one side by Lil, looking as timid as ever but showing exactly why the Hirunos kept him around by laying out anyone who came near with a single punch (and apologizing profusely for each one), and the Hiruno matriarch, last I'd seen her, was still trapped in the cauldron…

…which was starting to frost over oh shit—!

"DOWN!" I yelled, throwing myself to the ground and everyone else following my lead.

And not a second too soon, because as soon as we hit the deck?

BOOM!

The cauldron literally exploded in a blast of frigid air and ballistic black shrapnel, revealing a figure somehow even more nightmarish than the one I faced earlier. Not only was the three-holed soulless mask back, there were enough black holes in the midget's form to confuse her for a zombie. One eye even seemed to be melted closed, but the other, shining with raw malice, more than made up for it.

"SSSSSTRAAAAW HAAAAATSSSSS…" she howled like some kind of banshee, the ambient temperature dropping so hard and so fast that I could feel frost forming on me. "WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU… THE MARINES WILL HAVE TO LITERALLY PUT YOU BACK TOGETHER! PIECE BY FROZEN—!"

"Heat Whirlwind!"

That was all the hag was able to get out before a blast of hot air slammed into her and threw her across the room. Don Accino snorted darkly as he eyed the point of impact, and once he was sure she wasn't getting up immediately turned back to us, his temperature holding stable at a relatively reasonable range. Reaching behind him, he pulled out and presented a black bundle.

"Princess Vivi," he grunted. "In light of recent… events, I think it would be prudent to give your offer sincere consideration." He held up the bundle and shook it slightly. "Care to trade?"

"Ah, o-of course, Don!" Vivi nodded eagerly, digging out the Eternal Pose she had offered earlier and tossing it to the Don, while the Don tossed the bundle he was holding—!

"GAH!"

Right at me, bowling me over with it because damn was he strong. Though, in fairness, it wasn't entirely his fault, seeing as my transceiver was pretty damn heavy. At least our flag had cushioned the blow.

The Don nodded, pocketing the pose before turning back to where ice and frost were starting to encroach up the church's wall. "Much appreciated, now hurry up and get going. I'm going to settle things with the midget once and for all, the only way I know how. Temperature Up: 10,000 Degrees!" the Don snarled, the ambient temperature soaring with his lobster-red skin.

"RIGHT, GOING! BOSS!" I yelled.

"Skipper!" came Lil's yell at the same moment.

The rivals paused, looked at us, then turned back to each other, and clasped flippers, identical confident grins on their faces.

"Looks like once again, duty has drawn our duel to a close before I could finish kicking your ass, Bessy," Skipper laughed. "Next time, though? Next time you won't get off that easy!"

"Heheheh," Boss chuckled, shaking his head wistfully. "I look forward to it, Ski—!… No, you know what? I look forward to it, Skippy. I really look forward to it."

"HA! Now you've got the idea!" Skipper gave his old enemy a final clap on the shoulder before the two split apart and returned to their respective factions, with the Penguins exchanging a final round of high-fives with our guards before following after their leader.

"Well, that was fun!" Boss grinned happily. "Can't wait for the next time! C'mon, boys, let's blow this popsicle stand!"

"AYE-AYE, BOSS!" the TDWS saluted before following him.

We wasted no more time after that, running through where the double doors used to be into the antechamber and then out to the courtyard, the only part that was still relatively intact. The Thousand Sunny was at the pier, surrounded by the shattered carcass that had once been the Hirunos' ship, and Merry was waving at us from the deck.

"HURRY UP, LET'S GO!" she called as several ropes extended down towards us. Nothing impeded us from grabbing them and getting back on the deck of our ship, and as Zoro finally cut Luffy out of his restraints and joined us, I took the time to actually take in the state of the vessel we'd just evacuated. The windows were blown out, most of the lights were out, there was a diverse array of holes and fissures in the walls and roof, and alternating pulses of hot and cold air were starting to tax… pretty much everything everywhere.

Overall, it was bad, yes, but…

"You know…" I mused, rubbing my chin. "I suppose it could be worse." I shrugged at the disbelieving looks everyone shot me. "I'm being serious! I mean, the wedding was a disaster, sure, but look!" I swung my arms out. "The ship's still floating, right?"

"Thanks, Zoro!" I heard Luffy call out, and then I saw him stretch his arm out to grab the remains of his rope contraption. "Oh, hey, the rope's still intact! Wonder if it'll still work!"

'I never thought I'd say this, but I really need to learn when to keep my fucking mouth shut,' I thought as everyone else shouted, "LUFFY, NO!"

YANK! CRASH!

My arms remained in their upright position even as I twitched furiously. "Soundbite?"

"ONLY LUFFY could do THIS by accident. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, that was the sound of every single support beam IN THE CHURCH SPLITTING IN HALF," Soundbite stated neutrally.

And indeed, the church ship was quite literally coming apart at the seams, cracks spreading all throughout the structure before it finally collapsed into a field of barely-floating flotsam all too reminiscent of Krieg's galleon after Hawk-Eye had worked it over.

"Uhh…" A massive sweatdrop sprung to life on Luffy's head. "Whoops?"

"…RAAAGH!"

"GACK!"

I blinked in surprise at the familiar scream of outrage, and I turned to see a surprisingly familiar sight, save from a different perspective.

"…You know something?" I mused, cupping my chin thoughtfully as I watched an apoplectic Vivi wring Luffy's neck. "It feels weird, seeing this from the outside. Kinda refreshing, if I'm being honest."

"Healthy for her too," Chopper nodded in agreement. "Honestly, I've been contemplating assigning a few of our crewmates a stress ball for a while now, but in retrospect, this might be even better."

"Sooo… should we help our Captain, or…?" Leo questioned uncertainly.

"Boys…" Boss huffed out a cloud of smoke as he watched Vivi wring Luffy's neck. "Let this be a lesson to you all: never get between a t-ed off woman and the target of her ire if you wanna keep your shells on your backs."

"Damn straight!" Raphey laughed as she slung her flippers around the shoulders of the suddenly nervous Mikey and Donny.

"Mwahahaha!" Merry laughed down from the helm. "Well, fun as that is, I think I see a few more bounty hunters starting to climb back onto their ships! Whaddaya say we get the heck out of here?"

"Ahh… sure thing, Merry, just let us…" I slowly sidled up to my semi-rabid friend and tapped her shoulder. "Ah, Vivi?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin when she twisted her head around and tried to vaporize me with her gaze, Luffy's throat still clenched between her hands. "WHAT."

I shuddered fearfully before grinning in what I hoped was a reassuring manner. "Now, Vivi," I started slowly. "I know that we just ruined your dream wedding, and we're more than likely to do it again in the future when the real deal rolls around, and… and… uh…" I scratched the back of my head with a sheepish smile. "Aaaand I forgot where I was going with this. Oops?"

"Might wanna quit while you're behind, Cross," I heard Nami mutter behind me.

I groaned in response and pre-emptively tensed up, waiting for the inevitable explosion from Vivi—but instead, she just smiled as she wrenched her iron-hard grip open. "Jeremiah Cross," she enunciated confidently and deliberately. "You, sir, are a pearl." And with that, she turned on her heel and walked away.

I blinked slowly as I tried to process that little tidbit. "Okay…" I drew out. "That was odd. And more than a little worrying." I heard a puff of air, and turned around to see Nami desperately holding in what I could only assume was hysterical laughter. "What's wrong with you?"

"D-Do you kn-know how p-pearls are f-formed?" she wheezed out, shaking from the effort of holding in her laughter.

"Kinda?" I hedged. "I know they form in oysters over time—"

"Th-Through constant irritation!" Nami interrupted right before she collapsed into howling gales.

Despite the fact that the joke was at my expense, I couldn't help but be impressed. That was a clever bit of wordplay. But as I heard the door opening, I snapped my head up.

"Hey, Vivi, wait a minute!" I piped up hastily. "Quick question! About that monocle you were wearing earlier…? "

Vivi looked back at me as I took note of the subtle movement of four specific members of our crew.

"I was just wondering: is it some sort of keepsake from your family, or some other kind of treasure, or…?"

"Huh? Oh, you mean this?" Vivi produced the eyepiece in question and held it up. "No, it's just an ordinary monocle. I picked it up in Lovely Land while we were setting things up, but I actually think I might—"

"All I needed to know so that I wouldn't feel guilty later. GUARDS!"

"SPEAR OF SAINT GEORGE!"

SMASH!

"GAH!" Vivi flinched as a sai slammed through the monocle's frame, ripping it from her hand and pinning it to the mast. Mikey, Donny, and Leo then proceeded to catch the glass fragments and toss them overboard.

"FREEDOM!" the TDWS cried joyously as they fell to their 'knees', or at least their closest equivalent.

"Grgh—WHAT THE HELL, YOU DAMNED—!" Vivi started to howl.

"HIT IT BEFORE SHE HITS ME!" I shouted up at Merry.

"COUP DE BURST!"

BOOM!

"WAAAAAGH!"

And just like that… we were off.

~o~

One hour, a blast off, a change of clothes, and a lot of cooling down later, we were well away from the brawl going on behind us and had filled up on a good lunch, which we hadn't had the opportunity for in the midst of the ice war and then the wedding prep. But with that done…

"Alright, everyone, now that that wedding fiasco is behind us, my knowledge should be back on track," I stated, drawing everyone's attention to me and solidifying their focus as they saw my expression. "And for what's coming next, you guys are going to want to get to training, right about…" I made a show of looking over my wrist before giving them all a dark look. "Immediately. Because the clusterfuck we're sailing into? Best case scenario we make out like the Davy Back Fight—the Backfight itself, I mean, not the shitfest that came after—whereas worst case… not as bad as Enies, but easily a close second."

A long silence followed, during which most of those on the crew looked at me in significant askance, with the obvious exceptions of my partners. Then Vivi spoke.

"And… how necessary is it that we go through with it, Cross?" she asked tersely. "I mean… I know we've done a lot of good in the past, but, well… is there any chance we can skip past it for once? Just, I don't know, spare ourselves some pain?"

"Well, technically, we could try, but there are a lot of interesting things that we'd be missing." I looked at Luffy, the question clear in my expression. After a moment of tilting his head side to side, he nodded with a wide smile, prompting me to smile right back and start counting on my fingers.

"Let's see…we'll be freeing over a thousand people from all over the world from living cursed half-lives—"

"Right, then. Carue, we have weapons to sharpen," Vivi interrupted, marching over to the pavilion, the duck directly on her heels.

"Oh, here, allow me!" Conis offered, rapping her knuckles against one of the pillars of the structure and drawing up our arsenal.

"Might I recommend the rough whetstone?" Su proffered the stone in question with a vindictive leer.

"I'll see what training I can do as well," Robin agreed coolly, settling in place and beginning to focus. I grinned, but I didn't miss a beat.

"—Gaining another, ooooh… ฿300 million or so—"

"Pardon me, I think I have one or twenty treatises on climatology calling me from the library," Nami stated, spinning on her heel and marching for the stairs.

"—Beating up a predatorial voyeur who ate the Clear-Clear Fruit—"

"I'll get to refining my Sky Walk," Sanji literally fumed as he started eyeing the skies. "You can expect dinner to be deep-fried Mega-Gull."

"—Helping to fulfill an ancient promise between men—"

"I'll start refining my arsenal. Maybe if I use more yeast as a stabilizing agent…?" Usopp mused to himself as he turned away and started walking towards his workshop.

"And we will get to training on the Full-Shell Style," Boss concurred, sending his students diving over the edge of the ship with a glance, then following after them.

"—Getting Zoro's new sword—"

"I have a workout to get to," the swordsman grinned, beginning an ascent to the crow's nest.

"—Beholding the biggest pirate ship in Paradise—"

"Hold tight a sec, I'm gonna fire up the Cola-vats!" Franky grinned, heading below deck.

"Grit your buns!" Merry barked, leaping at Zoro—

CHOMP!

"GAH! BRAT!"

"J'sht shink of it ash training! 'N ash training ish shuper important!"

And promptly… latching on for the ride.

"—Meeting a world-renowned doctor who it turns out was only ever in it for the money—"

"Excuse me, I have matters to attend to. Explosives to refine, dissection diagrams to draw up, you know… BUSINESS AS USUAL," Chopper cheerily informed us, heading for his lab with a very twitchy grin plastered on his face.

"—Aaaand, last but not least: finally recruiting our crew's musician."

"Usopp, wait up! I need a new pipe, the pigeon guy sliced up my old one!" Luffy called, running after our sniper.

I watched as everyone went about his or her separate devices in peace before grinning at Soundbite. "Dontcha just love this crew?"

"WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR the world, PARTNER!" Soundbite laughed. "So, you up for getting back on THE SBS?"

"Hm… sure, why not?" I nodded in agreement, knocking on the mast and grabbing the rope that dropped down. I then shot a glance at my other partners. "You guys want in?"

"Do you even know me?" Lassoo yawned lazily as he flopped on his back to sun his stomach. "I'm just gonna stay here, grab some Z's and… actually, yeah, no, I'm just gonna go ahead and go to—!"

WH-CRACK!

"YIPE!" The mutt-cannon curled in on his gut, snarling at the source of his pain. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU DAMN IVORY-FARM!?"

Funkfreed ignored his fellow weapon-Zoan in favor of grinning at me. "What my comrade meant to say," he chuckled with barely-hidden steel. "Is that we're going to be spending the afternoon training against one another. Isn't that right…" He promptly transitioned into his hybrid form and smirked at Lassoo. "Comrade?"

"Well, I don't know much about 'training'," Lassoo mused, before snarling as he snapped into his own hybrid form, flames licking out of his maw. "BUT I'M DAMN WELL GOING TO MAKE YOU EAT YOUR OWN TRUNK, LEATHER-ASS!"

"JUST TRY IT, HYDRANT-LICKER!"

I chuckled as I watched the two start to brawl across the deck. "Ahhh, the joys of partnership."

"EVER-SO-FUN!" Soundbite cackled. "Anyways, up, up and—!"

"Ah, I'm sorry, but real quick?"

"Hm?" I looked at Conis in confusion. "What's up?"

"Weeell…" Conis cast a quick glance behind her before grinning conspiratorially. "I know that we aren't supposed to ask about spoilers and all, but while Luffy's occupied…?"

"Oh, no, don't worry about it!" I said, waving her off even as I subtly wound the line to my room around my forearm. "It's really no big deal. We'll just be sailing into a treacherous geographic location in which many ships have mysteriously vanished, fighting against a legion of the living dead, an equally undead titan bigger than most giants, aaaand two Warlords of the Sea back to back. A total cakewalk!"

"Oh, yes, of course, of course, I just wanted to clear that up is all." Conis nodded, turned back to her arsenal…

And then just as I yanked on the line—

"GET BACK DOWN HERE YOU RAGING BASTARD!" a little over half the crew screamed as they tried to swarm me, only just missing grabbing the bottoms of my greaves.

"PFHAHAHA!" I cackled as I pried open the door to my hideaway, watching my friends spit venom down below, some even starting to work their way up the mast. "Truly nothing better than to be a part of this miraculous crew, ey, Soundbite?"

"Not a SINGLE THING!"

Patient AN: 'Noticeably shorter than our standard length' my foot…

Xomniac AN: Once again, our astounding productivity astounds me… go us!

Cross-Brain AN: By the way, for anyone who was curious about how those pygmy whales happened? Well, one day a female pygmy sperm whale ate a giant squid in just the wrong way… and with that, we turn loose all of our omake-writing fans. Have fun!