Chapter 23 - Alabasta Pt 9 2/2

Vivi stared at me in disbelief for a moment before shifting her gaze down to the mic. Then… then a hint of steel entered her eyes, she took hold of the mic, and I knew that the World Government was screwed. Sideways.

"That's what I thought." I grinned viciously before gesturing towards the dining room. "What do you say we go somewhere quiet so that we can plan this out, hm?"

"THEY WON'T know what HIT 'EM!" Soundbite cackled malefically.

-o-

-Present time-

"… and that's my side of the story. I don't know how many of you will believe me, but I'm satisfied with being able to speak the truth. People of Alabasta… I apologize to you most of all for my silence these past two years, and for leaving so soon after my return. But…" Vivi's voice caught slightly as she forced herself to continue. "Know that I do not do this willingly. I will miss you all, but I will remain in contact through the SBS for those of you who believe me. In the end, you may believe what you want to believe, just know that…" Vivi trailed off slowly for a moment before choking out a sob. "… I am sorry… I am so, so sorry…"

I slowly worked the mic out of Vivi's hands, letting her jerk over to bury her sobs in Nami's welcoming shoulder. I hastily smothered the flare of rage and vitriol I felt as I brought the mic up to my mouth; I wanted to rant and rage, I really did... but that wouldn't solve anything. As it went, we'd already won. All I had to do was hammer in the nails in the coffin. "And there you have it, people. An absolute mockery of justice and due process, in every sense of the words. Now, because of a stupid, senseless grudge, one of my friends can't ever go home. Can't see her family again. This isn't right, this isn't just, and this isn't even fair. A life has been ruined based solely on pettiness, on a grudge no one today was even alive for. In the end… there really isn't much more I can or have to say on the matter. Enough has been said already. So for now, I think it's time to draw things to a close…"

I started to reach for the transceiver's off switch before freezing as a thought struck me.

-o-

"Oh, wait, one last thing before I forget! I have a message for the amnesiac who was named by his hat, who I really hope is either listening or one of his comrades is."

Dragon eyed the Transponder Snail and the curious transmission it was broadcasting, all movement in his Baltigo command center stilling.

"Hey, Sabo, do you think—?" a thoughtful female voice spoke up.

"… if that's not specific enough, he's often closely associated with a very prominent and cuddly Koala."

"I'LL RIP THAT BASTARD'S FUCKING HEAD OFF!"

Dragon smirked as the female voice suddenly screamed furiously, a large commotion erupting as her mentor and the intended target of the message fought to keep her from assaulting one of the snails in the room.

"I imagine I'm going to catch absolute hell for that someday…" Cross mused contemplatively before forging on. "But the fact is that there's no room for error here. My message is in regards to your family. Not the blood relatives that turned you away from your home, but the two brothers you made after that. Your older brother is most likely going to try and get in contact with you soon. He's a notable individual and he's got a hold on his temper that suits him well, but I promise you that if you meet him face-to-face, there won't be any doubt as to whether he's who I mean. And as for your younger brother… well, suffice to say you know his father better than he does. Not that he cares, of course. Your brother, I mean."

Sabo's eyes had gone as wide as dinner plates, and Koala's temper seemed suppressed by the revelation of his past. Dragon, meanwhile, felt a suspicion enter his mind… could Cross actually mean… but how could he know?

"Gilteo," Dragon barked. "I want every broadcast of this… 'SBS' transcribed and saved for future records."

"Yes, sir! But, ah…" The soldier dropped his salute hesitantly. "If I might ask why, sir?"

The Chief Revolutionary turned a neutral gaze on the still-cocky snail. "I have a feeling that it will turn out to be an… educational experience."

-o-

"And with that, I really am done," I concluded finally. "So unless anyone else has something they want to say—!"

BOOM!

I cursed furiously as an explosion shook the air outside the Merry, causing the cabin to rock furiously.

"HEADS UP!" Sanji yelled from outside. "THE MARINES JUST CAUGHT UP TO US, AND I THINK THAT CROSS MIGHT HAVE PISSED THEM OFF!"

"Okay, no time for trivialities, this has been a transmission from the SBS, signing off!" And with that, I turned off the transceiver, rammed the mic back into place and darted to my feet, throwing a concerned look at the star of this shitshow. "Vivi, I realize that you feel like crap right now, but unless we get a move on, we're going to be turned into so much floating flotsam. So, I'm asking you, here and now: do you feel up for this?"

Vivi glanced up, her eyes still shining with unshed tears, and visibly wrestled with her emotions for a second before clenching her jaw and standing up tall. Her eyes were red and slightly puffy, but honestly I wasn't sure if I had ever seen anyone stronger. "No," she announced firmly. "But I've had to put on a brave face for the past two years. I can put one on now."

Nami gave her a sad look before smiling slightly and clapping her friend on the shoulder. "Then let's give these bastards some hell to pay."

And with that we sortied out onto the deck and joined the melee.

As it was, thanks to Mr. 2's swift and enthusiastic sacrifice and me prompting Usopp to start firing on the Marine ships immediately (seriously, the man's skill with black powder and heavy weaponry was impressive!), we were able to blow past most of the Black Cage formation with minimal damage. I think that the impromptu dance party Soundbite started on Fullbody and Jango's ships when we passed by them might have contributed to the confusion. Seriously, jerkasses those bastards might have been, but damn if they couldn't get down and get funky when given the chance. Though really, the fact that the whole crews of their ships had joined in was a wee bit much.

Unfortunately, however, 'minimal' damage didn't mean 'none'. Merry still took a half-dozen harpoons to the hull, and even if they were high enough that they didn't hit the keel or let in water, it was still damn painful. On the bright side, that did mean we had a copious supply of metal for the foreseeable future… though judging by the way Usopp had been muttering darkly under his breath while hammering in wooden planks over the holes, he didn't see it as such.

And judging by the trio of Marine battleships rounding the coast of Alabasta, they'd managed to restore some form of order to their own fleet as well.

"So, on a scale of one to ten," I asked as I walked to one of the railings and kept a wary eye on the approaching ships. "How ticked off do you think they are?"

BOOM!

I jerked back with a hiss as the wind from a passing cannonball ruffled my hair. "That answers that question. Hey, Lassoo!"

The dog-gun trotted up to me and heaved himself onto his hind legs as he balanced on the railing next to me. "Yeah?"

"Did your old owners ever name any moves for you?"

The hound shook his head with a huff. "Nope. Master never had the mind for it, and Merry Christmas didn't care."

"Well, in that case, allow me to baptize your attacks." I pointed at the battleships. "Cani-Cannon, maximum boom!"

Lassoo grinned ferally in response. "Sounds good, chief." And with that, his musculature warped and shifted as his pelt flattened and elongated appropriately until he was as much cannon as he was canine. Once the transformation was complete, a trail of snot hung down from his nose. He then jerked back and back and back…

"AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO! AH-CHOO!"

Before snapping forwards with a trio of sneezes, loosing a salvo of ludicrously fast-moving baseballs that arced over the sea. They disappeared out of sight as they approached the battleships. A second later…

BOOM!

I jerked back with a whistle of awe as the main cabins of all three ships erupted in flames. "Oh… oh, yeah…" I patted Lassoo's ears with a grin. "Oh, we are going to get along just fine, you and I."

Lassoo snickered happily as he rubbed a paw beneath his nose. "Aw, thanks chie—AH-CHOO!" The dog-gun suddenly snapped forwards and blasted a baseball into the water. He stared after the projectile with wide eyes. "Whu-oh…"

Soundbite and I stared alongside him. "WAS that at an ANGLE?" Soundbite asked warily.

BOOM!

I stared at the plume of water that erupted a few feet off of the Merry's side. "Looks like it…" I trailed off before giving Lassoo a nervous look. "Does this happen often?"

The dachshund-bazooka sniffed heavily and swiped at his nose again as he morphed back into his animal form. "My allergies always act up when I go half-and-half, why do you think I've been a dog for the past twenty-four hours?"

I exchanged looks with Soundbite before giving Lassoo a stern glare. "Alright, it's official: you can complain however much you want, but Usopp is getting a look at you the second we have a chance, got it?"

Lassoo frowned, but nodded his head a bit nonetheless. "If it means finally gettin' rid of this cold, I'll put up with it," he said.

After that, between Lassoo and Usopp, we opened a clear way out within only a couple of minutes. Everyone moved according to Nami's directions, and we made our way away from the eastern coast of Alabasta. Vivi moved to the edge of the boat, tears streaming down her face again as she watched her home slowly disappear. But before we were more than a few dozen meters from the continent, the loudspeakers set up for the country began to blare, the sound easily reaching every ship off the coast.

"Greetings, citizens of Alabasta," came the voice of King Cobra. "I had hoped that in the aftermath of the rebellion, with our country ready to build itself back up, I would be able to speak a message of encouragement and new life, while at the same time fulfilling my daughter's belated Coming of Age Ceremony. But, as I have no doubt all of you just heard, that is no longer possible. My daughter has left this country… and I unfortunately find it unlikely that she will ever return to the beautiful sands of our kingdom."

'Rub it in, why don't you?' I thought morosely, moving to stand beside Vivi.

"My people… for the good of this nation and for my daughter, I collaborated with the Strawhat Pirates."

Time seemed to stand still as Cobra's words sunk in, all of us snapping our gazes to the continent, Vivi's mouth falling open in pure shock.

"F-Father…?" she breathed.

"Vivi, pardon my French, but what the ever-loving fuck does your dad think he's doing!?" I demanded incredulously.

Before she could respond, Cobra continued.

"The plan we developed was for me to formally disown her on account of her crimes while she absconded with her friends, so as to avoid incurring the wrath of the World Government. However… in light of the injustices already inflicted upon our country through the World Government's negligence and their active antagonism of our people, I have no intention of allowing them to coerce us any further. As a matter of fact, I believe it is time that they come to fear our wrath instead."

I felt a chill run down my spine as the full weight of what was being said bore down on me. "… What the hell is he getting at?" I asked numbly.

-o-

"Citizens of Alabasta… we have just come out of a hellish period of war, a time of conflict unheard of for generations. And yet, despite this, we are still under attack. We are still in danger, and I feel that unless the world itself changes in some way very soon, that danger will remain until the end of our days. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I have come to this decision: if we are in danger of attack and injustice from the hands of our very allies… then I say that they are no allies of ours!"

"… Well, I'll be damned," Smoker said, his face betraying his shock despite his normal deadpan tone. "Like father, like daughter."

Tashigi, meanwhile, was barely managing to hold herself up on the ship's balustrade. "C-Commodore, i-is this actually—!?"

"It is, Ensign. It is." The Logia user glanced back at Hina, whose cigarette had long since fallen from her frozen lips. "I'd suggest you mark the date, Captain Hina. This is history in the making right here."

"If you will stand by me, then I ask of you all to support me in this endeavor… for starting today, I rectify a grave error my ancestors made eight hundred years ago! Today, I declare Alabasta's formal secession from the ranks of the nations of the World Government!"

"Because today," Smoker grunted as he blew out a large cloud of smoke, even as the approving roar of a million voices came over the loudspeakers, as well as from the port of Nanohana. "Is the day that the people of the world bore witness to the World Government fucking up in a most spectacular manner."

Hina remained silent for a minute more before turning to look both Smoker and Tashigi in the eyes. "Hina's… convinced." She brought out a cigarette and lit it before giving the Commodore a cold look, filled to the brim with determination. "What did you have in mind?"

The grin that Smoker adopted would either have been right at home on a Sea King or it would sent one running.

-o-

A strangled noise of disbelief clawed its way out of my throat as I tried to make heads or tails of what the fuck I had just heard. "I'm sorry…" I started weakly. "But did I just cause one of the original twenty kingdoms of the World Government to go Revolutionary?!"

Nami nodded jerkily in response, obviously having as hard a time puzzling out how to react properly as I was.

Vivi, for her part, had dropped to her knees. "Daddy…" she breathed, a combo of awe and terror coloring her voice.

"Vivi, my daughter…" Cobra continued, compassion filling his voice. "If you can still hear my voice, then I can only imagine that you must disapprove of this course of action, and I can imagine why. For our kingdom to return to war after you fought so long for peace—for your sake, no less—must seem nightmarish. But know that my actions are not without reason: what I do here and now, I do because you are worth it. Because I already lost you once, and neither I nor anyone in this nation is willing to lose you again, much less due to an evil that I know has been festering in the heart of the World Government, an evil I believe has been present since its inception. "

I know that you must be terrified and confused right now, but I ask you not to worry about me. I ask you not to worry about us, not to worry about your kingdom. I ask you not to worry about your home. Because at the end of the day, you are still my daughter, you are still Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, and I will always be proud of you, no matter what. And no matter what happens, come hell or high water… when you one day return home, there will be a home waiting for you with open arms, bloodied and bruised, I have no doubt… but we will be stronger for it. Goodbye, Vivi. I love you more than words can possibly express."

Vivi shook heavily as she clamped her hands over her mouth, fighting to maintain some measure of composure. "Goodbye, Daddy…"

Everyone onboard had by this time made it to where I was comforting Vivi, and one and all, we pulled her into an embrace.

BOOM!

An embrace that was cut off by yet another blast from the Marines.

"SERIOUSLY!?" I roared incredulously, shaking my fist at the battleships. "READ THE FUCKING MOOD, ASSHOLES! YOU EVEN STOPPED FIRING DURING THAT GODDAMN SPEECH!"

The subsequent barrage showed just how much the Marines cared about my opinion on them.

Luffy growled darkly as he started swinging his arm in a circle. "Can we take a second to kick their asses?" he asked murderously.

Nami narrowed her eyes in agreement as she started to finger the sections of the Clima-Tact. "I am seriously considering it."

However, before anybody could move for the Merry's whipstaff, Soundbite started cackling like an absolute maniac.

"What's his problem?… His current one, I mean," Usopp clarified.

"WE DON'T HAVE to do jack! The Marines ARE ABOUT TO SUFFER!" Soundbite whooped eagerly. And before I could ask what he meant, the air was filled by a particularly familiar violin piece.

"Oh, that's catchy!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"This does sound pretty good…" Sanji mused.

"Ah… is that 'He's A Pirate'?" I guessed hesitantly. "What does that have to do with—?"

"OH, SORRY!" Soundbite cackled anew. "This is more ACCURATE!" Another piece of music came on, only this one was harsher and filled with drums and a prevalent pipe organ.

My confusion only mounted as I identified the piece. "What the hell—?"

"Cross?" Nami asked. "Do you know what this music means?"

"Uh… I think so…?" I scratched my head contemplatively. "It's… from a performance back home. It's the theme of—!" I cut myself off with a choked gurgle as I caught sight of something, and the sentiment was reflected by everyone else as they caught sight of it too.

Bubbles and whorls, erupting from the depths of the Alabastan coast and churning the water between the battleships into a foamy mess.

"… D-D-Davy Jones…" I whimpered, not quite yet willing to believe my eyes. There was no way, no possible way—!

SPLOOSH!

And yet, apparently there was.

Sails of seaweed and algae, thoroughly water-rotted wood, barnacles encrusting every other foot of the vessel, sea creatures manning the freaking RIGGING!

"IT'S THE FLYING DUTCHMAN!" Usopp and I howled as we clutched each other in terror.

Screw you guys, I might love dancing on the edge, but I did fear death and I sure as hell feared Davy-goddamn-tentacle-beard-Jones!

"AWESOME!" Luffy yelled, staring at the ship with stars in his eyes.

"Well, now, this is something…" Zoro grinned viciously as he grabbed the hilts of his swords.

"Hey, wait, look!" Nami pointed at the decrepit ship as a bunch of figures started to stream from it to the Marine ships. "I think that they're attacking… the… wait a second…" Nami narrowed her eyes as she used her hand to shade her gaze. "Are those…?" She hastily worked her spyglass out of her belt and held it up to her eye before jerking in shock. "HOLY CRAP, ARE THOSE DUGONGS?!"

"WHAT!?" I yelped, actually looking at the ship. Now that I noticed, those silhouettes were too small to be fully-sized fishmen, local or otherwise. And the flag it was flying… had a dugong's face interposed over a pair of crossbones!? "Allow me to reiterate that question… ARE THOSE DUGONG PIRATES!?"

SPLASH! "THAT THEY ARE, SIR!"

All present turned to the five damp figures that had leapt aboard the boat, and were balancing on the balustrade. All five were kung fu dugongs, four of them carrying makeshifts rucksacks on their backs, while the one in the middle, a somewhat weathered looking one with a duffle bag on his shoulder, a camo bandana around his forehead and—somehow—a lit cigar in his mouth, scanned over us with a determined expression. But he seemed to be looking mostly at me.

"What in the world—?" Vivi started before the dugongs leapt onboard, the four with rucksacks falling into bows while the one with the bandanna stood with pride.

"Salutations, Strawhats!" the bandanna-wearer huffed in a voice that wouldn't have been out of place coming from a drill sergeant. "My name is Boss Dugong, ex-second-in-command of the kung-fu dugong tribe below Chief Dugong, but you can call me Boss! And these—" He gestured at the four other dugongs with him. "Are my apprentices! How're y'all doin'?"

"Uhh…" my crewmates and I chorused as we glanced at one another in confusion before looking back at them. "Good?" I posed hesitantly. "It's… nice to meet you, Boss."

"Yes, and not that we don't appreciate your assistance," Vivi said weakly, clearly not coping well with all the new developments. "But what are you doing here? And what are they—" She gestured at the dugongs attacking the Marines—and outright dismantling them. "Doing for that matter?"

"Besides earning a rather impressive bounty for themselves, she means…" Nami mused as she continued to watch the onslaught with her spyglass, periodically wincing sympathetically.

Boss grinned as he tapped his cigar contentedly. "Well, ma'am, first off, those over there are the majority of my species who have joined what is currently known as the Dugong Pirates! They might change it in the future, but for now we'll see, we'll see. And as for what they're doin', weeeelll…" He bit down on his cigar with a scowl. "That'd be gettin' in some good ol'-fashioned vengeance on those son-bitches that screwed you. Now, we dugongs might not be humans, no…" The aqua-mammal thumped his chest proudly. "But we're still citizens of Alabasta and we know a raw deal when we hear one. We're with you all the way, yer highness."

Vivi stared at the dugongs blankly as she slowly processed Boss' words. "Uh… thank you. But…?"

"Lemme guess, you wanna know why we're here?" Boss chuckled before jabbing his cigar at Luffy. "Easy! We're here to join your crew!"

It took a second for us all to react to this statement, but when we did, we did so like mature, reasonable adults.

"EEEEEH!?"

Please, have you been following some other pirate crew?

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE JOINING OUR CREW!?" Nami demanded as she shook the dugong by the collar of his shell.

"Exactly what it sounds like!" Boss grinned, entirely unaffected by the way he was being manhandled. "See, we—that is to say, the kung-fu dugong subspecies as a whole, we're a tight-knit community—started planning out this whole venture shortly after you and yours told us of the glories of piracy and made your way into the desert! We left a small task force to watch over this here ship, and they rejoined us once that there lady-man fellah the talky one told us about showed up!

"Once we were all back together, we spent a few days stitching together the best parts from sunken ships around the coast. As you can see, the fruit of our labors, the Great Kung-Fu Galleon, is doing quite well under the leadership of our finest fighter, our chief Captain Dugong!"

"Good for you all. Mind skipping to the part where you explain the joining our crew bit?" I demanded impatiently.

The four Dugongs behind Boss snickered amidst themselves for a brief moment before being swiftly cowed by a glare that he sent over his shoulder at them before turning his attention back to us. "Well, see, here's the thing: the Captain was mighty grateful for showing us the best way to find ever-stronger opponents and challenges, and let it not be said that we Dugongs are an ungrateful species! So, he sent us to join you as a sign of our crew's friendship and allegiance!" He jabbed his thumb at himself proudly. "My boys and I are five of the strongest our kind has to offer! We'll see you through thick and thin, no doubt about it!"

I blinked in surprise as I processed the statement before looking back at Luffy for the inevitable reaction… and finding myself even more surprised than I already was; I was expecting a lot of emotions from him, but I sure as hell wasn't expecting him to look conflicted, of all things, about new crewmates, much less a quintet of martial artist turtle-seals.

Boss Dugong obviously had more than a few braincells to rub together himself, especially if the way he picked up on Luffy's inner conflict as well and shot a quizzical look at him was anything to go by. "Is there a problem with that, sir?"

"Well…" Luffy tilted his head with a huff and a scowl as he poked at one of his temples. "I reeeeally want you guys to join because you seem like you're really cool…" His scowl deepened. "But I don't want you guys joining just because you were ordered to either!"

"WHAT!?"

Before any of us could react, Boss showed us why he'd been the second-in-command of a martial artist species by catapulting himself forwards and using his tail to pound Luffy's head downwards so that it squashed against the floorboards of the deck. Then, before Luffy could react, he grabbed the sides of his face and stretched his head out slightly as he glared him dead in the eye.

"Now, you listen to me, you mo-ro-nic rubber-brained dipstick!" the dugong spat indignantly. "Captain or not, don't you dare insult the pride and integrity of my Captain by accusing him of ordering us to do this, much less the pride of me and my boys by suggesting that we'd actually go through with a request like that like mere sea-sheep!" He then let Luffy go and march-waddled his way back to the other Dugongs, holding his fist before his face and shaking his head solemnly. It was all very dramatic. "No, no, we volunteered for this opportunity. Your crew has shown itself to be brave, valiant, and above all, utter badasses. To sail on your ship with you would be more than an honor. It would be a dream come true, an incredible, unprecedented opportunity! It would be… would be…"

"A Man's Romance?" Soundbite offered eagerly.

Boss blinked up in confusion before grinning eagerly. "Yes… yes, I like the sound of that… I really like the sound of that, I really, really do! Yes, to sail the seas with a shipful of badasses, becoming stronger every second of every day, that would be…" He leapt up on the deck's railing and puffed his chest out, stabbing his cigar into the air. "A MAN'S ROMANCE!"

"GO, BOSS, GO!" the other four Dugongs chorused, joining him in posing dramatically.

I could feel the sweatdrop hanging off my head and see the ones on almost everyone else. "I'm not the only one who feels like this is going to be a thing, right?" I asked sotto voce.

"Nope," Sanji replied in much the same tone.

"I was afraid you'd say that…"

Luffy, for his part, was appropriately awestruck from the aquatic martial artists' performance, stars shining eagerly in his eyes. "SO COOL! So, you guys really want to join my crew?"

Boss led the Dugongs in snapping into uniform salutes, their stances the epitome of martial pride. "SIR, YES, SIR!"

Our crew's reactions to our five newest crewmates varied. Usopp and Chopper had the same attitude as Luffy, starry-eyed awe; Zoro and Sanji had identical grins, most likely glad to have their pool of sparring partners boosted; Soundbite, Nami, and I just smiled and went along with it; and Vivi…

She was crying again, though the distress it caused was mitigated by the small smile she was sporting. Her reaction became especially curious when she scooped up one of the Dugongs and held it tightly in a manner not akin to a girl clutching a stuffed animal.

"Ah, Vivi?" I asked curiously.

"I-I think it will be wonderful to have them along…" Vivi sniffed happily as she held onto the Dugong. "A reminder of home… Somebody to help me remember Alabasta…"

The dugong she held promptly lost the confused, somewhat perturbed expression it had had, and tentatively relaxed in Vivi's embrace. Well, it would have been relaxed, except for…

"Vivi?" I offered as I tapped her shoulder. "The 'reminder' you're holding onto is starting to look a little green around the gills. Or blue, as it were."

"EEP!" Vivi yelped, promptly dropping the Dugong. "I am sooo so so sorry!"

"It's—cough—fine, your highness," the Dugong said, giving her an only slightly dizzy thumbs-up. "You've got quite a grip."

"OK, with that out of the way… Boss. How many dugongs does it take to tow a caravel?" Nami asked.

Boss tilted his head curiously. "Is that the start of a joke?"

Nami grinned cheekily, an action which did not inspire confidence. "More like a test of how macho you and your students really are."

Five minutes later, we were all but sailing away from Alabasta, propelled by the combined power of the wind in Merry's sails and the strength of the tails of our newest companions - though it didn't seem as though the Marines had enough firepower to spare towards us with the crew of the Great Kung-Fu Galleon hijacking their ships as the starting vessels of what I could only assume would come to be known as the 'Great Kung-Fu Fleet'.

Once the sandy continent fell out of sight beyond the horizon, I joined Nami and Vivi at the back of the ship as they watched the ocean stream beneath us. Both of them had tears in their eyes.

I hesitantly put a hand on their shoulders. "Don't worry. The World Government might be big and strong, but so's Alabasta. It's too big to reliably pull a Buster Call on, and I imagine that the terrain would make enforcing a siege next to impossible. Alabasta will be fine. I mean, if its king and princess are this strong—"

"No, Cross, it's not that…" Nami said miserably. Vivi and I both looked at her.

Nami was silent for a moment as she stared at the horizon before hanging her head with a groan. "… It's just… looking back… I… I think that the crocodile on top of Rain Dinners might have been solid gold."

It took exactly two seconds for me to comprehend what she was saying. After that, my thought process could be summed up as 'Sanji be damned, this time her avarice has gone too far.'

"WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION, WOMAN?!" I yelled, rearing back my hand for a picture-perfect dope slap. My palm didn't make it to the back of her head, however, on account of Vivi catching my wrist mid-swing. I shot an incredulous look at the Princess… and froze as I caught sight of the sickly smile she was forcing onto her face.

"Oh, please, Cross, allow me," she said, far too calmly.

I felt cold sweat on the back of my neck, and if the fact that Nami and Soundbite suddenly broke out in the same was any indication, I had the right idea getting out of Vivi's way and back to the main deck of the ship, where Boss was doubled over panting, and his apprentices were flat on their backs, exhausted.

"Hoo… what a workout…" Boss huffed. "Haven't swam that hard since the Killer Catfish Migration of 77… we ate good that decade…"

"You guys didn't push yourselves too hard, did you?" I asked in concern.

"Too hard?" the gutsy dugong snapped an incredulous look at me before pulling himself up to his full (if somewhat negligible) height and flexing his muscles, an action that was mirrored with less enthusiasm by his students. "If this is any indication of you people's day-to-day lifestyle, I'd say that we've more than made a good choice! Yessiree, me and my boys are gonna get strong with you fellers, that's for sure!"

I couldn't help but cock my eyebrow at the macho display. Wow, if I didn't think this guy would get along well with Franky before...

I then chuckled at the weary, if exhausted support the rest of the Dugongs showed their leader. "Fair enough, fair enough. So…" I looked over the rest of the rest of our new crewmates curiously. "What're you guys's names? And, fair warning—no offense intended, mind you—but you all look a little alike to me, so chances are that I and everyone else might mix you up once in awhile." I shot a glare at Soundbite. "The fact that this one isn't differing your voices that much doesn't help either."

"I AM an artiste! I will not BE CENSORED BY MERE REALITY!" Soundbite sniffed petulantly, complete with stereotypical French accent.

The dugongs promptly perked up eagerly, and they glanced at each other, some unspoken agreement passing between them.

"Oh, that's not going to be a problem," said one of them before they got to their fins and started rummaging through their rucksacks, pulling out and donning a variety of items. Pushing through their fatigue, each one posed dramatically, showing off different colored headbands and weapons.

"I'm Mikey!" one with an orange bandana and two pairs of nunchucks waved eagerly.

"I'm Donny!" one with a purple bandana and a bo-staff saluted shyly.

"I'm Raphey!" one with a pink bandana and a pair of sais flexed proudly.

"And I'm Leo!" one with a blue bandana and a pair of katana held himself to attention. "And together, we are—!"

"The Super Duper Dugong Gang!"

"Boss Dugong's Badass Band!"

"The Uber Triple Ultra Duper—!"

The quartet cut themselves off as they looked at one another in shock before the self-proclaimed Leo held up a finger patiently. "One moment, please."

And with that the dugongs fell into a huddle.

"What the hell are you guys thinking, we decided this weeks ago—"

"No, YOU decided this weeks ago. WE all decided that that name sucked Sandora Dragon balls and that we needed a new one."

"What's this 'we' shit, Kemosabe? I thought it was fine!"

"SHUT UP, MIKEY!"

"Hey, you can't talk to the leader like that!"

"Leader, huh. I wonder what Boss'd say if he knew you'd said that?"

"I—buh—WELL, DON'T TELL HIM!"

"I can still hear you dipshits…" Boss ground out under his breath as he rubbed the bridge of his snout before shaking his head and giving a look that was half long-suffering, half fond. "They're a bunch of young morons, through and through, but they're still prodigies and they can do the job either way. It's why I took 'em on in the first place, so don't be too hard on 'em, 'kay?"

I was too busy gaping at the quartet in awe to react properly. "Buh—guh— wah—?"

"TEENAGE DUGONG WARRIOR SQUAD!"

"GACK!" I jumped in shock as Soundbite suddenly shouted before affixing him with a panicked look as I realized just what the hell he'd said. "Oh, nonono, hold on a second—!"

Unfortunately for my sanity, I was too late.

"Teenage Dugong Warrior Squad…" Leo mused before grinning eagerly. "I like it!"

"TDWS is a pretty nice acronym!" Donny conceded.

"And it sounds badass, to boot!" Mikey crowed with a laugh.

"The TDWS it is!" Raphey nodded definitively.

"Well, I'll be…" Boss whistled as he watched his students celebrate. "This is the longest I've ever seen these knuckleheads cooperate. I knew this crew was capable of miracles, I just knew it!"

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

The relatively aged Dugong jumped and stared at me in shock as I repeatedly rammed my forehead into the mast. "Ah… you okay there, sir?"

"Ohhh, I'm fine…" I groaned despondently as I continued my motions, wearing an indent into the woodwork. "I'm just hammering in the final nails in the coffin of my sanity is all. I thought I'd be able to at least keep ahold of a few rotting dregs of the poor thing, but no, noooo, apparently it's already long-past due, so I'm just… finalizing the burial is all…"

"BAHAHAHA!" Soundbite cackled eagerly. "Yeeeeesss, SUFFER, SUFFER! YOUR MADNESS NOURISHES ME!"

I paused in my ministrations as I jabbed my thumb up at Soundbite. "Yeah, this one isn't doing my psyche any favors. Now, unless there are any other curveballs coming my way—!"

"Um… actually?" Raphey raised his hand slowly. "I wanted to ask the snail why my voice is male."

I slowly turned my head to give the Dugong a flat look. "Isn't Raphey short for Raphael?" I asked warily, dreading the answer I feared was coming.

"Raphaella," the dugong corrected with an equally flat expression. "Why do you think my bandana is pink?"

I once more slowly turned my head, this time to glare at Soundbite. "Care to explain?"

The gastropod had the good grace to look somewhat abashed. "Eeeeeh…?"

Lassoo glanced up from where he'd been sunbathing and chuffed in an unimpressed manner. "Don't blame him, I don't think this one is his fault. The aqua-terra language divide's always been tricky, I'm not surprised gender managed to slip through along the way."

"Sowwy!" Soundbite grinned sheepishly. "IS THIS better?"

"Mah-mah-mah…" Raphey hummed as she gave her newly feminine voice a test run, before smiling beatifically. "Perfecto!" Without any warning, she jerked her flipper and flung her sai, impaling it in the mast mere inches from Soundbite, causing him to shriek and snap back into his shell.

"Do that to me again and I won't miss!" she growled acridly.

I stared at the sai for a moment before thunking my head against the mast once more with a groan. "Once more, any other curveballs?"

THUD!

"MMMPH! G'T M' OUDDA THISH!"

"I had to ask," I moaned, somehow not even fazed by the sight of a hogtied Carue being tossed onto the deck, followed by the woman whose appearance I'd been dreading for the past twenty-four hours. "Your sense of dramatic timing is either fantastic or it sucks ass. I'm having a hard time telling which is which."

"I do believe that that would best be qualified as a matter of personal opinion," Nico Robin stated with a chuckle that reached her eyes in all the wrong ways as she strode onto the Going Merry's deck without a care in the world. "Wouldn't you agree, Mister Jeremiah?"

"YOU!"

"I think that she might categorically disagree with everything you say…" I sighed as I jabbed my thumb up at the upper deck, where Vivi had her Peacock Slashers drawn and spinning.

Nami was standing alongside her, doing her best to maintain her composure, though judging by the way she was glaring daggers at Robin and digging her fingers into the railing, she was fighting a losing battle with her temper. Zoro was standing to the side, watching her with a cold glare and crossed arms, a motion that Lassoo was pretty much mimicking by how he hadn't moved from where he looked like he was snoozing.

Boss and his students were standing at the ready, though they appeared more confused than anything, Sanji was in full Category 5 Love Hurricane mode, Luffy was… clueless, Chopper and Usopp were cowering behind the mast—Chopper more out of confusion than anything—and Soundbite was more than making up for Lassoo's inactivity with his own snapping and growling.

Most would call this kind of situation tense. I'd say that that word didn't nearly cover the suffocating atmosphere hanging over the ship.

Overall? Quite typical for a Monday.

"What are you doing here, Miss All Sunday?! And what did you do to Carue?!" Vivi demanded.

Robin's response to the menacing tone was to smile beatifically at her ex-subordinate. "Miss Princess. I'm quite sorry about the predicament you found yourself in. I found your speech to be quite… impassioned. As for the duck, I didn't hurt him, if that's what you're worried about. I merely shut him up when he jumped aboard so as to ensure that he wouldn't give me away until we'd managed to lose the Marines, that's all."

"And the reason why you didn't tell me about the duck?" I blandly asked Soundbite.

He broke his glaring-spree off from Robin in favor of shooting a cheeky grin at me. "YOU SAID not to tell anyone about the intruders, and while I might act otherwise, I STILL like Carue SO I KEPT MUM!"

"You what!?" Vivi hissed, snapping her glare over at me.

I tensed fearfully under her gaze, pointing desperately at Carue. "For an order of priorities, might I suggest first the duck, then the bitch, then me?"

Vivi was silent as she maintained her glare for a moment longer before hissing out a tense sigh. "Could someone untie Carue, please?"

Before anyone could move, Raphey and Leo had unsheathed their weapons and leapt at Carue. One instant they were a blur of motion, the next they had their backs turned to the tense avian, slowly sliding their weapons into their sheathes. The second they were done, the ropes burst apart into nigh useless fragments, allowing Carue to squawk freely.

Luffy, Usopp, and Chopper stared in renewed awe, Zoro let out a low whistle of approval, and Robin clapped politely. "Most impressive," she complimented.

The dugongs blushed and preened proudly. "Our pleasure!"

"Cwazy wittle psychos…" Carue shivered before snapping his wing up at Vivi. "And before you ask, Soundbite's got a big mouth, and thewe was no fweaking way I was going to leave you; I've alweady pwomised you twice in the last two months that I nevew would! I tailed behind the west of the squad and snuck onboard aftah you finished loading. She—" he snapped a wing at Robin. "Tied me up as soon as I came… but if she hadn't, I pwobably would have come out on the deck and twied hugging you long befowe we were away fwom Alabasta. Vivi… I don't want to believe it, but would you have weally made me leave?"

Vivi searched for something to say, but apparently she was having a hard time determining just what was the right thing to say.

Carue waited for a moment before holding up his wing with a sigh and a grin. "Ah, fowget it. It's not wike I haven't always been the smawt one of us, wight?"

"Oh, shut up, you," Vivi said, trying to match Carue's grin as she jumped down and embraced the duck.

"As touching as this is," Zoro growled, his glare never leaving Robin. "Can we please address the elephant in the room?"

"Oh, don't mind me," Robin stated primly as she lounged in a folding chair she'd pulled out of the water pump cabinet. "Just pretend I'm not here. You won't even notice my presence."

"How comforting," Zoro grunted, not taking his hands off his swords.

I groaned tiredly as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Geeze, woman, do you take pleasure at ticking off powerful people or…" I trailed off slightly before blinking in realization. "Huh, we've got more in common than I expected. Alright, withdrawn."

Robin chuckled while Vivi refocused her glare on me, backed up by Nami.

"Hey," I raised my hands in surrender. "I only kept mum about her being onboard; if you want to blame anyone for her actually being here, blame our captain."

Robin's smile widened impishly as she nodded in response to the disbelieving looks she received from the rest of the crew. "Your third mate is quite well-informed. Yes, you, Monkey D. Luffy," she grinned at our still oblivious captain. "Are the reason why I'm here. After all… I can't just let the suffering you've caused me go unpaid, can I?"

"WHAT?!" Sanji roared, his cigarette burning to a stub in an instant as he proceeded to attempt to throttle our captain. "Luffy, what the hell did you do?!"

"He did the most excruciating thing that a person can do," I pontificated in an overly flowery tone, drawing everyone's attention. "He saved her life when all she wanted was to die."

Sanji froze, his hands still wrapped around Luffy's neck. He looked from his captain to Robin, then back again, face stony. "I am… conflicted…" he finally managed to grind out.

"As am I…" Robin mused as she analyzed me intently.

I briefly enjoyed the sensation of knowing what it felt like to be a rodent trapped beneath a raptor's claws before steeling my spine and giving her a flat look. "Throw me overboard and you'll follow soon after, witch," I warned her as casually as I could manage. Honestly, it took quite a bit for me to keep my grin off my face.

The archaeologist considered my statement for a brief moment before shrugging. "Very well, then. Now, where was I… ah, yes, now I remember." She returned her grin to Luffy. "Monkey D. Luffy. You made me live when I had no further reason to do so. Hence, you now hold responsibility for my life. I'd like you to live up to that by allowing me to join your crew."

Silence reigned for a moment on the ship.

I sighed and shoved my fingers in my ears. "This is going to be loud…"

"WHAAAAAT!?"

"Called it."

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?" Vivi shrieked, only just being held back by Carue.

"GODDAMNIT, CROSS!" Nami roared, slamming her palms on the upper deck's railing.

"And I thought we were brazen!" Boss chortled in amusement.

"I COULD KISS YOU, CAPTAIN!" Sanji sang rapturously.

"WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING, WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHO THAT WOMAN IS!?" Chopper shouted.

"NO! LUFFY, SAY NO!" Usopp pleaded from behind the mainmast.

Luffy tilted his head in his usual 'thinking pose' before shrugging. "Okay, sure."

"OH, COME ON!"

"Thank you very much, Captain," Robin nodded kindly before turning her smile to the rest of the crew. "And thank you all for allowing me to join your crew. Please…" She tilted her head to the side slightly. "Take good care of me."

Despite the fact that the woman was a cold, vicious assassin who'd actively tried to kill me a month ago… I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret at those words. A pang that made me smile back as honestly as I could manage.

Everyone else, meanwhile…

"LUFFY!" the saner members of the crew demanded indignantly.

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled as he smiled at them. "Ah, don't worry about it you guys! She's not a bad person, believe me!"

"Have you literally forgotten about the past month that attests otherwise!?" Vivi spat viciously.

The rubber-man's grin widened as he rubbed his finger beneath his nose. "Eh, you're overreacting."

"THE HELL I AM!" Vivi screamed, putting on an impressive burst of strength as she burst away from Carue. Thankfully, she chose to tackle Luffy instead of going for Robin.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Boss elbowing Lassoo in order to draw him out of the bored nap he'd fallen into. The dugong nodded towards the rest of the crew and circled his finger around his temple, and promptly grinned eagerly when Lassoo nodded in agreement.

"I'm behind you 100%, Captain!" Sanji piped up swiftly. "How could anyone of such beauty be a bad person?"

"Charmer," Robin chuckled.

"Seriously, can someone tell me who this woman is?!"

"Alright, Chopper, allow the Great Captain Usopp to educate you in the involvement of this most dangerous of women with our crew!"

In the midst of all these interactions, I was aware of Zoro and Nami advancing on me from both flanks, both levelling… well, they weren't quite accusatory, but they were still something nonetheless. Of course, that didn't stop them from pinning me in place with so many visual harpoons.

"Alright, listen," I sighed as I ran my hand over my face. God, today had been a hell of a long day… "I'm sorry I didn't say anything, but discretion was key in this situation. Just… I know that this looks bad, but—!"

"Mister Jeremiah."

My blood froze at the frigid tone of voice that swept over the deck.

"Ahhhh shit," I hissed beneath my breath.

"Oooooh, you in trooou-BLEEE!" Soundbite whistled, though if the fact he said it from within the safety of his shell was any indication, he was too scared of Vivi to watch.

And for good reason, considering the expression of pure, unrestrained rage that was on Vivi's face as she slowly advanced on me. I tried to back away from her, but I was promptly betrayed by two unrepentant hands from separate individuals catching my shoulders and holding me in place.

Silently cursing my superior officers, I instead hastily stuck my hands up in desperate surrender. "Now, Vivi," I despairingly attempted to soothe her. "I know that you're pissed at me, and you have each and every reason to be, but there is a very valid reason why I didn't tell you about Robin being onboard the Merry!"

"What?" Vivi hissed, her voice freezing the air.

I swallowed on nothing as I plastered a panicked smile on my face. "You were supposed to learn about her from a newspaper back in Alabasta a few months from now?"

If the way something in Vivi's eyes seemed to snap was anything to go by, that wasn't the right answer.

"Mercy?"

CRUNCH!

"GWARGH!" I yowled, collapsing on my ass and clutching my nose desperately as blood flowed freely around my fingers. "Son ob a bidch! Dis dime I dink you really broge id!"

"Be glad I don't break anything else!" Vivi snarled indignantly, her fist shaking at her side. And with that, she spun on her heel and stalked off, practically letting out puffs of steam with every breath and all but snapping the door to the storeroom off its hinges as she slammed it shut.

I stared after her silently for a moment before slumping onto my back with a weary sigh. "Vell, dis bides… Choppah?"

"Ah, right!" Chopper hastily dashed over to me and took hold of the fractured cartilage of my nose. "Ouch, minor compound, you're lucky the bone didn't break the skin… alright, deep breath. One-two—!"

KRACK!

"SWEET MOTHER OF MERCY!" I jerked up with a yelp, clutching my nose. "God damn that sucked…"

"Better than leaving it… eeeyaaaahh… broken," Chopper countered, rubbing his eyes after a yawn. "Man, I'm tired…"

A glance at the horizon revealed that the sun was indeed starting to sink into the sea. "Yeah, it's been a long day, but it seems like it's coming to an end. I think we all need some rest… hit the hay, everyone, let's call it a night."

"Aww, but Cross, I want to stay up long—!"

WHUMP!

"I'll get him into one of the hammocks," Zoro grunted as he hefted a snoring Luffy over his shoulder.

"Yeah, Cross has the right idea," Nami agreed, still looking halfway mutinous as she walked towards the storeroom, waving at Carue as she passed him. "Come on, duck. Let's go and convince Vivi to not murder Cross in his sleep, no matter how much I suspect I might support her if she does."

"Oh, joy…" Carue quacked wearily as he followed her.

I looked over at Boss Dugong. "So… look, I realize that you guys are small, but the guy's room is a bit cramped. Where are you—?"

"Psh!" The dugong waved me off easily. "Please, we came prepared." He retrieved his duffle bag and retrieved a tangle of green fiber and cellulose. "Seaweed hammocks. We typically hung them off of rocks on the Sandora's shore, but I imagine that the hull of your ship'll be plenty more comfortable, and the beasties more pleasant to boot! Sleep tight! Company, fall in!" And with that, the quintet leapt over the edge of the ship.

I then shifted my attention over to the last woman standing. "So…" I trailed off uneasily. "On account of how you're liable to get lynched or gutted in your sleep if you join the girls in their cabin, might I recommend instead grabbing a blanket and book and taking the first watch?"

Robin chuckled, reaching over and plucking those same items out of the air as they were tossed at her. "My thoughts exactly, Mister Jeremiah. Will you be retiring as well?"

I considered for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Nah, I'm gonna go to the dining room and read, try and take my mind off things." I waved at her lightly as I shambled towards the stairs. "Good night, Nico Robin."

"Good night to you, Jeremiah Cross. And you as well, Soundbite."

"Bite my slimy mucus ass!"

Five minutes later, I was sitting on a sack of supplies in the kitchen area, half-reading an adventure novel by candlelight.

Ten minutes later, I was fast asleep.

-o-

I woke slowly, blinking blearily as I tried to deal with the fact that several of my limbs had apparently fallen asleep alongside me. Well, it was official: reading the 'saucier' parts of a story right before going to bed? Never again. Seriously, bondage dreams? That was just too weird.

I made to sit up and massage my tingling limbs…

Only to find out that apparently that was less a dream than I thought it was because they wouldn't move.

Now that woke me up in a hurry. I tried moving my head, and to my relief I had enough give to glance at my wrists—which, naturally, were held to… whatever I was lying on by what appeared to be leather cuffs, of all things. Where the hell did whoever did this even get leather cuffs!? The only ones I'd seen the entire time I was in this world was—!

…was the set…

…used by…

"Oh, you're awake! That's good, that's good!"

Without any warning whatsoever, a very familiar goggle-clad face loomed over me, and the tooth-filled grin that was plastered on it would haunt my nightmares for years. Partly it was the grin itself, but mostly it was who was sporting it.

After all, this was the absolute last person I'd expect to pull something like this.

"See, I was getting really impatient and antsy and whatnot. I mean, I wanted to start early, I did, but that wouldn't be proper, would it? Anesthesia's a crutch, in my opinion! Better that the patient feel it all! Experience every single instant of SCIENCE! to its fullest, wouldn't you agree?"

I tried to say something… and promptly screamed into my gag as a bone saw buried itself in the wood inches from my face.

"Well, enough dillydallying, let's get to it!"

Chopper's grin widened to the point that it encapsulated most of his face.

"IT'S TIME TO BEGIN THE OPERATION!"