Chapter 22 - Alabasta Pt 8 2/2

Vivi's expression remained cold for a few moments longer before she finally relented and slapped a palm to her face. "Just… don't let him back on Alabastan soil once he leaves it, alright?"

"I've got a better question!" Usopp snapped. "Why aren't you doing this to Chopper?! He also blew you up, and threw sand in your nose!"

"Right. So, experimental adrenaline serum 23B apparently causes hallucinations. Good to know, good to know."

All present turned to the doorway, where a drowsy-looking Chopper was scribbling something on a notepad, Zoro alongside him with a well-hidden look of concern on his face. Lassoo darted his eyes over to the other Zoan, but I held out a hand.

"Bite him if you have to, but wait until he's not the size of a stuffed animal, alright?"

The dachshund considered that before shrugging. "Fair enough, but don't make me wait too long."

"That depends entirely on him. On that note…" My gaze hardened again. "Let him go." I waited for a second before crossing my arms firmly. "Now, or Soundbite breaks out the whistle on my orders."

Lassoo promptly let go with a disappointed chuff. "Fiiiiine…"

Nami sent a half-pleading look at Luffy. "Captain?"

Luffy tilted his head slightly as he stared at Lassoo before looking at Usopp. "You said that he's a dog who can turn into a gun, right?"

Usopp nodded frantically, but before he could say anything I piped up. "Actually, he's a dog-gun rather than a gun-dog; he ate the Dachshund model of the Mutt-Mutt Fruit."

And just like that, Luffy had stars in his eyes. "You mean he's a gun that can turn into a dog!? Cool!"

Nami pinned me with a betrayed look, flinging her arms out in a gesture that just screamed 'WTF'. I put on a bemused expression and shrugged heavily. "Look, I'm playing this by ear, alright? After all, our crew is gonna—! …um…"

I trailed off uncomfortably as I glanced at Luffy. "Well, suffice to say that we'll make allies stranger and more hostile than this in the future, and… the pros outweighed the cons," I explained carefully, still looking at our captain before returning my attention to Nami. "In the end, there really aren't any downsides to all of this and, well…" I tilted my head slightly. "Do… you really have any grounds to stand on when talking about someone switching sides? No offense, but really now."

Nami's expression darkened, and she glanced over at Lassoo, sizing him up. In the end, she slouched forward with a hand pressed to her temple. "Fine, you're the expert on character here. But if I put one foot in dog-doo, he and you are going over."

"Don't worry, I know to hang it over the edge when I go," Lassoo reassured her. "It's a skill all dogs learn real fast on the seas. It's either that or get slated as emergency rations."

Nami looked like she could have done without that information, but nodded nonetheless. Sanji seemed to have no objections, though I could tell by the way he was puffing on his cigarette that he wasn't letting his guard down just yet. Usopp, despite the pain he was in, had yet to actually say anything, and Luffy…well, that went without saying. I looked back at the remaining crewmates in the doorway. Chopper still seemed to be slightly out of it, and Zoro…

I swear, if he didn't have Conqueror's Haki, then the glare he was pinning Lassoo with was close enough to fool anyone on this side of the Red Line who didn't know any better. And by the way Lassoo folded almost instantly and hunched in on himself, whimpering and cowering pathetically, if I had to guess I'd say that he either didn't know any better or he just didn't give a damn. After a few seconds, the swordsman nodded and looked at me, thankfully dropping the glare in the process.

"Maybe some heavy artillery will give you half a chance in sparring."

I opened my mouth to give an indignant retort, but closed it as I considered the statement. "…you're lying through your teeth, aren't you?"

Zoro smirked as he strode past me. "You guessed it. Now, come on, let's get something to eat, I'm hungry!"

"Alright! …wrong way."

"Gah, sonnuva—!"

"ENOUGH TALK!" Luffy abruptly whooped. "COME ON! LET'S EAT!"

"Wrong way, Captain. Also the wrong way. No, still the wrong way." Sighing, I pointed to the door out of the room. "That way."

"Aaaactually…" Vivi took hold of my wrist and turned my arm to the left.

I stood silent for a moment before giving her a flat look. "Your home is stupidly expansive."

"DON'T CHANGE the subject!" Soundbite chortled.

"Shishishi, you're an idiot, Cross!"

"LIKE YOU HAVE ANY ROOM TO SPEAK!?"

"Hweehweehweehwee!" Lassoo squeaked.

"… Okay, the Goofy voice I can take, but Muttley's laugh!?"

"HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEEHAHAHA!"

"Good grief…" I groaned, slapping my hand to my face.

Honestly now, considering how my crew acted in a public setting, I could only imagine how dinner was going to turn out.

-o-

My eye twitched steadily as I watched a piece of meat disappear from my plate moments before the tines of my fork could actually touch it.

I really, really do not know what the hell I was expecting.

"Luuuffyyy…" I snarled out darkly. Moving fast, I snatched up my knife in a reverse grip and stabbed it into the wood where Luffy's hand was once, twice, three times in a row. All to no avail, on account of how I still barely missed stabbing the dead meat, both raw and cooked. Finally getting fed up, I glanced around and waved one of the nearby serving girl over. "Pardon me, miss," I hissed with forced politeness. "But have you ever heard of Ghost Peppers before?"

I grinned as the blood drained from the already nauseated woman's face. "Y-you mean the hottest, spiciest peppers this side of the Red Line?"

I nodded in confirmation. "That's the one! Could you kindly ask Terracotta to stuff a niiice big shank of meat with them, then bring it here?"

The serving girl opened her mouth to say something… then glanced over to where Vivi was laughing, reconsidered, and leaned in with a devious grin. "Actually, sir, if I might make a suggestion?"

I cocked an eyebrow in curious interest. "Oh?"

"While Ghost Peppers are infamous and indeed the spiciest peppers on this side of the Red Line, might I instead recommend the West Blue Ilusian Reaper? They're a crossbreed of Ghost Peppers and Habanero Peppers, and are fifty percent spicier than Ghost Peppers; I believe they're considered to be the hottest peppers in the world."

I whipped my hand to my mouth with a theatrical gasp of horror. "You're wicked!" I then grinned from ear to ear. "About a dozen or so should do the trick."

"Of course, sir," she curtsied before looking over at Lassoo. "And you?"

"Hm?" Lassoo looked up from the bowl of mashed potatoes he'd been burying his muzzle in, the meal dripping from lips.

"Never mind, then."

"Okay!" And with that, he reburied himself.

"Is anyone else in need of anything?"

"SALAD, salad!" Soundbite called from the empty bowl he'd worked his way into. "AND NO VINEGAR!"

"And don't put your fingers too close while serving it," I added helpfully.

"Also, can we get some smelling salts over here, please?" Sanji called out uncomfortably, lightly poking at Chopper's prone form. "I think our doctor is drowning in his soup."

"R-right away, sir!" the serving girl said, nodding hastily as she raced off to the kitchens.

Thankfully for my appetite, it didn't take the girl long, and soon enough she was back with several companions, carrying the requested platters.

Mine in particular was notably mouth-watering, and I'd have dug in myself if I weren't fully aware of the fact that doing so would mean death by oral immolation.

Soundbite was just as eager, snickering and cackling in his bowl. The second the salad was dumped in, the greens immediately started vanishing at blinding speed, accompanied by the sound of mechanical shredding.

I smirked as I fingered my fork, and as I did so I noticed Usopp grinning with just as much malice over his food. I waved and got his attention, pointing down at my food and then holding up 3 fingers. The sniper promptly replied with a snicker and a thumbs up.

I then held my fork up over my plate with an eager-ish grin. "Oh, boy, this is gonna be good!" I crowed as genuinely as I could manage.

As predicted, the meat almost instantly disappeared from my plate, and judging by Usopp's shit-eating grin and his own empty plate, I wasn't the only one who'd been robbed.

Thankfully, our comeuppance would be delivered in three, two, one…

"HOOOOOOOOT!"

Usopp and I cackled as the ambient temperature in the room suddenly spiked, accompanied closely by the whoosh of flames.

"Oh, yeah, chalk one up for strategy and deviousness!" I cackled, grinning eagerly as I reached out to stab a particularly juicy-looking leg of poultry.

My demeanor promptly flipped as the meat disappeared. Again. "Seriously!? Isn't your tongue burnt to hell and back!?"

"Mmyeah, eating hurths a lot!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL DOING IT, DUMBASS!?" Nami demanded incredulously, cracking her fist over Luffy's skull.

My eye twitched furiously as food continued to disappear at a blinding rate. "Alright, that's it! Hey, Lassoo!"

The dachshund-hybrid popped his head up curiously.

"Care to demonstrate how good you are at following orders?" I jabbed my finger at Luffy. "Sic him, boy."

Lassoo grinned eagerly before leaping up onto the table and lunging at Luffy's hand the second he grabbed another piece of meat. The Zoan-user's grin widened by several fangs for a second before dying as he started to skid across the table.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I yelped, wrapping my arms around Lassoo's midsection.

In hindsight, I realize just what a stupid stupid stupid move it was, trying to get into a battle of strength with a person whose whole schtick was being stupid strong. But at that exact moment, I only realized it after I'd been dragged out of my seat and across the table, ruining my second favorite jacket and causing everyone else to start laughing.

I took a moment to let the world stop spinning before slowly righting myself and levelling a scathing glare at my captain. "Luuuuffyyyyy…" I growled out viciously. "You're not going to get this reference, but I'm about to turn you into freaking Greninja. And in the name of that," I jabbed my finger at him. "LASSOO, MAUL!"

"BARK BARK BARK!" Lassoo… barked, scrambling to his paws and leaping at Luffy. The two promptly fell into a nigh cartoonish ball of violence, dust cloud and all. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised if a star or spiral or two had dropped out of the brawl in the process. Soundbite providing the necessary ambiance didn't hurt either.

"Mmmrgh…" I looked over my shoulder as Chopper blinked awake in his seat, rubbing his eyes blearily. "This is why I swore off all-nighters five years ago. And I thought that Doctorine getting mad at me for falling asleep in the middle of one of her surprise tests was bad enough…" He looked towards the source of the noise filling the room and promptly shook fully awake in terror, shifting into his Heavy Point defensively. "L-L-LASSOO!?"

The hound promptly paused his fight and looked over his shoulder. Seeing that Chopper was now of the appropriate size, his attentiveness towards Luffy abruptly ended in favor of baring his teeth at the human-reindeer with a growl.

"Don't worry, Chopper, the good news is that he's been placed firmly on our side," I reassured the doctor. "The bad news, on the other hand, well..." I grinned sheepishly. "He's… got something of a grudge against you. So… yeah, I'd suggest you run… like, now. And before you say anything!" I cut his attempted protest off with a raised finger. "In all fairness, you did blow him up."

"AFTER HE DID THE SAME TO ME! I WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING CLOUD OF HIS DAMN BASEBALL BOMBS!" Chopper retorted fearfully.

"Yeah, but you played on his prevalent condition to do it," I countered, shrugging. "Look, just let him get his literal pound of flesh and you'll both be even. Okay?"

"Uhh…" Chopper eyed Lassoo warily for a moment. Finally, however, his animal instincts took priority as he turned tail and ran away. "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

"RUFF RUFF RUFF!" Lassoo bayed fiercely, promptly giving chase.

"I thought you were translating?" I queried back at Soundbite.

"THERE'S not—URP!—not always SOMETHING to TRANSLATE, YA KNOW!"

I shrugged in response, then looked back at Luffy, who was struggling to get up and, from the angry look in his eyes, chase after Lassoo. "GET BACK HERE!" Moments later, he proved me right as he leapt to his feet. But first…

"GRAA-GYERK!" Luffy gagged as he ran mouth-first into my outstretched hand.

He wasn't getting away without me making good on my vow.

Eurgh, really wish I'd had my armor for that bit, but hey, at least I'd managed to do it!

I cackled as Luffy staggered away, grasping and fumbling at the tangled muscle wrapped twice around his head and trailing behind him like a scarf, utterly obscuring his mouth. "Can I make the obvious tongue-tied joke, or would that be too cheesy?"

"If it had just been a simple knot, you'd probably be slapped at least once. But that? Make all the bad jokes you want, that was gold!" Usopp cackled as he nearly toppled out of his seat in his rolling laughter. "Plus, we can eat in peace now!"

Cobra cocked an eyebrow in amusement as he watched Lassoo chase Chopper around the table. "This is what you count as peaceful?"

"HA! Are you kidding?" I scoffed as I righted Luffy's chair and sat in it, absentmindedly grabbing something off the table. "Let me tell you something, your highest of highnesses!"

"Ah, Cross—!" Nami tried to grab my shoulder but I shrugged her off.

"Don't worry, don't worry, I won't be offensive," I promised her offhandedly as I waved my hand at Cobra. "Now, King Cobra—love the name, by the way—I've been on this crew for… what, three months? No, less than two, that's for sure. But anyways, the fact is, this?" I rolled my finger, indicating the sheer chaos around us. "It's messy, sure, and I sincerely apologize for that, but it's nowhere near our worst yet." I emphasized my point by taking a bite out of whatever it was I'd grabbed.

"No, Cross, don't—!"

"See," I mumbled out around the stuff I was chewing. Damn good taste, excellent texture too. "As it is, the overall sanity of the room supercedes the madness we're generating." I swallowed and grinned cheekily. "And—!"

Gurgrlrrroooowl...

I froze as my stomach suddenly started churning and groaning like a ship in a hurricane.

"I tried to warn you," Nami groaned, thumping her head against the table.

I slowly brought my hand up before my face, confirming my suspicions. Biscuit…

I turned my horrified gaze back to the confused ruler. "And…" I went on slowly. "I do believe that I just broke even. If you'll excuse me?"

GROOWOWWRRRGH!

"I-NEED-TO-USE-THE-BATHROO-OO-OOM!"

-o-

"Will you dumbasses stop laughing already!?" I demanded indignantly. "It's not funny!"

"Oh, I beg to differ!" Chaka chortled as he washed himself down. "Setting a land speed record for exiting the royal dining hall? That's extremely funny! I don't think the guards have ever laughed so hard in the entire time I've known them!"

"Go choke on a doggy bone!" I snarled at the guardian before sneering as a thought hit me. "Or better yet, choke on your bone. Doesn't your kind like licking itself down there?"

"HA!" Pell snorted as Chaka twitched furiously and shot a glare at his friend.

"Like you haven't preened yourself at least twice a day since we ate these damn things!?" he shot back, "even when you're not feathered!?" That killed Pell's laughter in a hurry.

"While we're flinging stones abai—ahem, mah-mah-MAH!" Igaram recited as he cleared his throat. "While we're flinging stones against Zoans, might I comment that I've noticed a net increase in cases of lice and fleas since your 'initial transformations'?"

Both Chaka and Pell sank into the waters of the baths with groans of embarrassment while Cobra roared with laughter.

Immediately after dinner and my, ergh, 'embarrassing debacle', we had moved on to entering the Palace's incredibly impressive baths. I'd been a bit… hesitant, at first, on account of my Western sensibilities, but in the end I managed to stomach my pride and get in anyways. At least the water was pleasant, that was a plus. Thankfully, Lassoo needed washing, so I didn't need to look up without reason.

I did, however, glance up when Sanji asked a very specific question, to which Cobra gave an honest answer.

I raised my eyebrow at the king in disbelief as most of the other guys started to scale the wall. "Seriously? Just like that? Your daughter is over that wall."

"Indeed, your highness! What are you thinking!?" Igaram pleaded desperately.

Cobra gave the Captain of his guard a flat look. "I'm thinking that I have been a single man for nearly two decades and that there is a rather attractive red-headed young lady on the other side of this wall."

Igaram froze as he processed that statement before swallowing heavily and following his king. "G-good point, sire. In fact, I-I shall accompany you. S-so as to ensure that you don't fall, o-of course."

"C'mon, Cross!" Luffy chimed in from where he was starting to climb up the dividing wall. "When you're in a bath like this, it's either to swim or peep, right?"

"IT'S NEITHER! AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'VE EVER BEEN IN A BATH LIKE THIS BEFORE? MY CULTURE HAS DIFFERENT SENSIBILITIES ABOUT PRIVACY!" I roared indignantly.

"And yet, you're givin' me a bath buck-naked," Lassoo noted before giving himself a hard shake, tossing off the suds I'd managed to lather up on him.

I spat and hacked as I got the suds out of my face before glaring at him. "Yeah, well, when in Rome… Mariejois, Alabasta, wherever. Point is, the name of the game is adapting to the local culture. Now do me a favor and stop moving, will you!?"

While I wrestled with the dog, most everyone else climbed the dividing wall. Upon reaching the top, they stared over the edge for a few moments until…

"HAPPINESS PUNCH!"

SPLURT!

They fell back in a cascade of nasal blood, splashing into the water.

I observed them flatly for a moment before raising my voice so that I could be heard on the other side. "Either you're sporting something really impressive there, Nami, or these guys are pathetic!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING PATHETIC, CROSS!?" Sanji roared as he splashed to his feet.

"You, swirly brow," Zoro rolled his eyes with a scoff, thankfully diverting the cook's attention from me as the two got into a… well, not a brawl, the current conditions didn't allow for that, but a controlled duel at least.

"Why don't you come on up and find out, Cross?" Nami called over in half-sultry, half-faux-saccharine voice.

"Three reasons, Nami!" I shouted back with a roll of my eyes. "Primo, one hundred thousand? Waaaay too rich for my blood."

"But I'm wo~rth i~t!"

"Oh, I doubt that!" Zoro scoffed.

"HEYO!" Soundbite cackled.

"SCREW YOU TWO!"

"Secundo!" I continued nonetheless. "One of the most important rules in the man code: don't stick it in crazy!"

"EXCUSE ME!?"

"That look you get in your eyes at the thought of a payday is nowhere near sane! You need help, woman!"

"HA! You're saying you're sane!?"

"Fu-u-uck no," I scoffed. "We're all cracked in the head, I'm just sane enough to admit it!"

"Tsk…"

"And tertio—!"

"What language is that?" Soundbite inquired.

"I dunno, Italian? I'm mostly just making it up as I go along," I shrugged. "Anyways, tertio: another, even more important rule in the man code."

"What, only if the carpets match the drapes?" Nami asked, her voice distinctly peeved by this point.

"Close," I countered with a scoff. "Don't stick it in friends."

That got a stunned silence.

"I—wait, what?" Nami stammered, obviously caught flat-footed.

"You heard me!" I reiterated. "I've got too much respect for you, too much emotional investment. I'm not willing to risk it all on something as monumentally stupid as peeking on you, or anything else like it for that matter. That enough of a reason for you?"

Silence reigned for a few moments; most of the guys on this side were looking at me in surprise, Sanji was nodding approvingly, and Zoro was giving me a look of what I presumed and hoped was respect.

Finally, Nami spoke up again. "I… Cross, that is… really a remarkable attitude. Do… do you think you could come up on the wall for a moment?"

"I won't pay for entrapment, woman!" I called up in exasperation.

"JUST GET THE HELL UP THERE, WILL YOU!?"

I winced and dug my finger in my ear. "Alright, alright, geeze! Damn banshee, swear I'm gonna get tinnitus…" I got up and made my way to the wall, eyeing it warily before starting to climb. "If I fall and break my neck, I swear that I'm suing your ass for every Beri you're worth!"

"I'll testify, I'll testify!" Soundbite eagerly chimed in.

Finally, I reached the top of the partition and looked over. "Alright, I'm here, what do you—?"

"HAPPINESS CONSOLATION PRIZE!"

FWISH!

"NAMI!?" Vivi screamed in embarrassment.

My eyes snapped wide in shock as I took in the sight before me, my mind stalling as it tried to come up with a valid response.

"HUBBAH HUBBAH!" Soundbite hooted at the top of his lungs.

That jolted my mouth to say the first thing that came to mind. "Soooo… Vivi… is that natural or are you really dedicated with the dye, or—?"

"JACKASS!"

KLUNK!

"GAGH!" I yelped, clutching my head in pain as a stool cracked off my forehead. Only too late did I realize that I'd been doing it with both hands. "Oh shitshitshit—!"

SPLASH!

"…owie… medic?"

-o-

"For the last time, that was not my fault! I was freaking blindsided!" I roared, crossing my arms as I stood my ground in the bedroom the crew had moved to after the scene at the baths.

"But you were still thinking it, and that's bad enough!" Vivi shot back with equal vehemence. "Do you have any idea how inappropriate that is!?"

"I was curious! Come on, that is not a natural color where I'm from, how the hell was I supposed to know one way or the other except by asking, huh!?"

"You don't ask about that, ever! I swear, I have never met such a—!"

"Girls, girls," Nami calmly interjected as she placed her hands on our shoulders, trying to separate us. "You're both pretty, now do you think you could please knock it the hell off?"

Vivi and I broke our glaring match in favor of snarling at her instead. "You're the cause of this in the first place!" we growled in synch.

Nami shrank back hesitantly in the face of our ire, a twitching smile plastered on her face. "I, ah, just wanted to give Cross a reward for his chivalry, you know? A gift from the goodness of my heart, is that so wrong!?"

"Even if I did believe you had a heart, I am a confident male who actually respects women! Why the hell would I want that as a freaking reward!?" I snapped in aggravation.

"Ehh…" Nami looked away nervously. "Whoopsy? Guess it's a good thing I'm not charging you for that, huh?"

"Why the hell would you be charging him for looking at me!?" Vivi screeched indignantly.

"Gergh…" Nami choked uncomfortably.

"Girls, girls, you're all pretty," Usopp interjected as he tried to butt in…

SLAM!

And got two fists upside his chin for his troubles.

"STAY OUT OF THIS, DUMBASS!" the girls roared.

"Ow…"

"I'm starting to get way too much hands-on experience with concussions…" Chopper muttered as he ambled over to Usopp.

"Oh, don't worry about those," Luffy cut in. "Grandpa said they don't have any side effects."

I slapped my hand to my forehead, hard, as I heard that, all thoughts of full-frontal Vivi pushed to the back of my mind. "If that crazy old man actually believes that, it explains so much…"

"Believes what?" Luffy blinked in confusion, tilting his head to the side.

I parted my fingers just enough for me to stare at Luffy in disbelief when a knock came from the bedroom door. There was a brief pause before Cobra poked his head through. "Is this a bad time?"

"Yes," Vivi, Nami, and I chorused through gritted teeth, as politely as we could.

"NO," Chopper, Zoro, Lassoo and Usopp shot back even more firmly.

"My apologies, it's just that… Mister Jeremiah, was it your birthday recently?"

I blinked at the non-sequitur and mentally reviewed what date it was before blinking in surprise. "Huh… well, now that you mention it, my birthday is coming up at the end of the month. Why do you ask?"

Cobra stepped into the room, revealing that Igaram was just behind him and holding a gift box in his hands, a cube wrapped in a black-and-white checkerboard wrapping paper with a bow on top that was the same dirty blond color as my hair. I blinked in confusion as I tried to process what I was looking at. "The hell? I mean, not that I don't appreciate it, but…"

"THAT LOOKS like my shell!" Soundbite piped up.

"Yeeeaaah…" I nodded in agreement. "Overall, it's a bit… unexpected?" I shot a significant look at Nami and Zoro, whose eyes widened in shock and understanding.

"It's not from us, Cross; one of the solder—ahem, mah-mah-MAH! One of the soldiers found it in the remnants of the palace gardens," Igaram explained with a concerned frown. "Oddly enough, it… appeared to be inside the remains of the statue of the Falcon Guardian before it was destroyed. The tag marked it as being for you, but the sender only left their initials. I don't suppose you know anyone whose name begins with…?"

I took the box from him and looked it over… and promptly paled in horror as I read the tag, almost dropping the box from my numb fingers.

"B.R.O.B." I breathed weakly.

"Who's that, Cross?" Luffy asked concernedly, no doubt seeing the look on my face.

"You remember when I said I came here because of a divine force well beyond human comprehension?" I asked nervously, holding the box as far out from me as I could get it. "B.R.O.B., they're not initials, they're an acronym. R.O.B. stands for Random Omnipotent Being."

"And… the first B?" Sanji asked warily.

I promptly split my lips in a snarl as I got my wits about me, digging my fingers into the box's paper. "Considering how this thing ripped me from my home without so much as a how-do-you-do? Bastard. Bastard Random Omnipotent Being. Even Soundbite looks like a freaking saint compared to its sense of humor."

"Ulp…" Soundbite swallowed uncomfortably.

For a brief moment, I really considered just tossing the damn thing out a window, but eventually I settled for placing it on a nearby bedtable and starting to work the wrapping paper off.

Everyone else, save for Luffy, Zoro, and, after some hesitation, Nami, stepped back and gave me a wide berth as I opened the package. I scrabbled against the stupidly resilient paper without success for a moment before almost slapping myself in realization. I took ahold of the two tassels of the intricate ribbon, took a deep breath… and pulled.

The ribbon promptly snapped undone, and the four sides of the box collapsed outwards, revealing the contents hidden within. I stared for a few seconds…before blinking as I actually processed what I was seeing. It was a black metallic box with chrome borders, several small knobs and switches on the front, two small screens on one side and a larger screen built into the top. Attached to an outlet on the front was a microphone that resembled the ones used for adult Transponder Snails. I blinked again, finally making the connection that it looked like a ham radio transceiver before looking around the room. Most of them were looking at it in uncomprehending curiosity… except Cobra, who looked thoroughly poleaxed.

"You know what this is, Father?" Vivi asked.

"Yes, I do," the king nodded promptly as he looked the machine over. "And I think you might want to revise your opinion on whoever this being is, Mister Jeremiah. That device is a piece of technology developed by the genius Vegapunk that the World Government outlawed, destroying all the models and prototypes as soon as he invented it; I don't think that they even kept one for themselves. It's a Snail Transceiver, designed to amplify the natural capabilities of Transponder Snails. Normally, Transponder Snails are only capable of connecting with one other member of their species at a time, and even the Adults need to relay with one another to make inter-Blue calls. That device removes those limits completely; presuming it works as Vegapunk claimed—and going by his track record, I have no doubt it does—you could use it to connect to every other Transponder Snail in the world at once, bar an exceptional few."

Silence fell. Then every jaw in the room besides Cobra's fell as we processed the sheer scale of what he'd just said.

Then Soundbite began cackling.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Still think I'm a bastard?" he crowed with a grin.

All attention snapped to the snail as his expression morphed from cocky to infuriated. "PLAGIARIST! KNOCK IT OFF, THAT'S MY SCHTICK!"

And then just like that he was back to cocky. "YOU THINK you can get a copyright in this hellhole OF A WORLD? GOOD LUCK!"

And once more Soundbite's expression shifted, becoming flat-out freaked. "HELP!"

Putting the pieces together, I snarled at Soundbite. Or rather, I snarled at the entity using Soundbite as its sockpuppet. "What's the big idea, giving me something like this? Some sick reward for putting on a good show for you!?"

The snail's expression morphed into a look of superior indifference before he scoffed and spoke in a voice apropos for a bratty teenage girl.

"Well, that's not very nice, especially seeing how I'm granting your request."

"WITHOUT EVEN GIVING ME A CHANGE OF CLOTHES?! A FUCKING CHOICE!?" I yelled indignantly.

"Not that request, dumbass!" B.R.O.B. drawled, the snail rolling his eyes before his expression morphed into a grimace and he spoke in my voice. "If I live through this, I had better have some damn good form of compensation coming my way, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING OWE ME!"

I stared at the snail in flat-footed shock as his face and voice morphed back to the obnoxious persona they'd been employing. "So, yeah, you managed to survive up to this point, and without even taking any life-threatening injuries, to boot! Well, other than giving yourself a, shall we say, 'full-cleanse' after Little Garden. Which, I have to say, was hilarious! And… I suppose that you have a point about robbing you of an easy chance to save hundreds of lives just so I could watch you squirm trying to save as many as you could with just your own insignificant brawn. But hey, it's not like anybody really important died, so no big whoop! Ah-ah-ah, don't even think about it, princess! Wouldn't want to hurt the little slimeball, would you?"

I snapped my eyes up to Vivi, who looked to be about two seconds away from wringing Soundbite's body.

"And that goes for the rest of you, too… unless you want a taste of what Jerry goes through whenever he eats a biscuit, hmmm?" B.R.O.B. sang.

The good news is that the sudden pallor that everyone in the room adopted seemed to distract them from the embarrassing nickname. The bad news was that judging by the haughty scoff that followed, we weren't done yet.

"So, yeah, you asked for compensation? Here's something a few hundred times more dangerous than a Golden Transponder Snail when used right for you to play with. So, unless you can seriously tell me that you're not enjoying your stay here…?"

I remained silent, and Soundbite's puppeteer made him grin cheekily.

"That's what I thought. At this point, you owe me more than I owe you, so don't expect any more favors from me before your future knowledge runs out."

"But… but I don't get it!" I protested desperately. "How-how is this thing supposed to be dangerous? Like, at all!? I mean, it's just a communications device! Unless it amps Soundbite's natural abilities—!"

"Geez, you really are a dumbass, aren't you?" B.R.O.B. sighed wearily. "Well, just to hurry my entertainment along, let me give you a hint: Madness is an STD." The gastropod's grin was nearly splitting his head at this point. "It's the gift that just. Keeps. On. Giving. Better figure it out nice and fast, else I could get bored…"

Suddenly, the gravity in the room seemed to triple, nearly bringing me and everyone else in the room to our knees.

"And we wouldn't want that, would we, now? Hehehehe—!"

"HEY!"

Without any warning, Luffy was standing in front of the transceiver, mic off its cradle and held to his mouth, completely unaffected by the gravity increase.

Soundbite's eyestalk cocked curiously. "Ooooh? The King-to-be has something to say? What do you want, O would-be ruler? Something to ask about the present or past? You wouldn't care about the future… would you, now?"

Luffy's expression was hidden by the brim of his hat as he stared at the mic silently for a moment before speaking. "You're the Mystery Bastard who stole Cross from his home?"

The entity blinked Soundbite's eyes in surprise before grinning cockily. "Yeah, that's me. Why? What about it? And just FYI, I'd suggest you not do anything stupid, kid. You're impressive, sure, but I'm way above your weight—!"

Before the higher being could finish speaking, Luffy snapped his head up, revealing a down-and-out apoplectic expression on his face.

"STAY AWAY FROM MY CREW!" he snarled furiously before slamming the mic back in its cradle. The transceiver wasn't harmed, but the table and the floor beneath it? Those cracked, and violently at that.

The effect was instantaneous: the gravity increase disappeared utterly, and Soundbite sagged with a sigh of relief.

"I've had TRIPS from eating alfalfa BEFORE. NOTHING compared to THAT!"

"Did not like, did not like…" Lassoo whimpered, pressing himself low fearfully.

"Still, that gravity thing could have been useful for training…" Zoro mused as he rolled his muscles before looking at me. "Hey, Cross—!"

"That Devil Fruit is already in the hands of or will go to a Marine, and a damn good one too, both morally and combat-wise, so no," I shot back, mirroring his motions but with much more difficulty. God damn, that hurt.

"I take back what I said, Mister Jeremiah. Your opinion of that being was… fully accurate," Cobra groaned. He'd taken it almost the worst of us all, having been laid out flat. "I'll doubtless be feeling this for awhile…"

"Cross, your future knowledge isn't going to run out anytime soon, right?" Nami asked hastily. "We're not going to hear from that… that thing again for a long time coming, right?"

"Don't worry, don't worry, we've got…" I thought it over for a bit before shaking my hand contemplatively. "Upwards two years, maybe more with travel time. Either way, with any luck we won't get any other 'social calls' for a good long while."

"But what did it mean about madness… being an STD? The gift that kept on…?" Chopper asked curiously.

"It's a saying from my…" I was about to say country, glancing at Igaram and Cobra, but I eventually sighed in defeat and massaged my forehead. "From my world. If I got its gist, it was saying that madness is… infectious." I contemplated that for a moment before shaking my head. "Yeah, not a clue. For now…" I looked at Soundbite. "Do you think you can test it out, see if it—?"

"Uhhh…" Soundbite concentrated for a moment before shaking his head. "YEAH, I GOT nothin'."

I glanced at him in shock before looking the machine over… and groaning as I saw the problem. I flicked a switch on the side, causing the device to light up before glancing at the snail again. "And now?"

A moment's concentration… then jubilation. "THIS IS USEFUL!" The next second he was scowling furiously. "But USELESS!"

I blinked in surprise. "Excuse me? Useful but use—?"

"I CAN REACH out and touch them all!… or none at all. NO IN-BETWEEN!"

I grimaced as I processed the implications. Yeah, I could see how that would be… constricting, to say the least. "Well, I suppose we'll just have to puzzle it out later."

"Wait, you're not actually taking that thing with you, are you!?" Usopp demanded. "I mean, after what that thing just did—!"

"After what it just did," I quickly interrupted. "I think we have more than enough reason to not just toss this thing away. I don't like it, but like as not, it held up its end of whatever bargain it thinks we made. Everything it did after, it did on its own time, completely mutually exclusive. So, for now…" I patted the machine's casing. "We hold onto this, if only for the hell of it. Alright?"

"Excuse me, guard?"

I looked back at Igaram in surprise, who had beckoned a guard into the room and then indicated me. "Escort Cross to the firth—ahem, mah-mah-MAH! Escort Cross to the first floor of the royal storage, and allow him to take a vessel to carry that device in. And while he's doing that…"

He turned to the rest of the crew. "I think it's high time you all informed us exactly who your friend is."

"Uh..." Lassoo raised his paw uncomfortably. "Me too, please. I wanna know what I'm getting into here."

I swallowed heavily before bowing briefly. "Thanks for your generosity, and I apologize for getting you into this situation," I said before following the guard.

I once again had the privilege of enjoying the palace's architecture as I followed my guide towards the kitchen area. The larder contained a spiral staircase, and following it down revealed a gargantuan room. I couldn't help but gape, and the guard chuckled at my expression.

"A country as ancient as ours picks up a lot over the years, Mister Cross. The first floor you see here is generic items such as storage devices, surplus hygiene items, replacements for vases, even firearms and weapons are kept here. The second floor, however, has much more valuable treasures; typically, only Captain Igaram, General Chaka, Lord Pell, and the royal family are allowed to set foot down there. Even among the royal guards, few have seen it."

I whistled in awe as I looked around. "Yeah, well, considering what your ancestors stocked up in the bedrock of this place? Yeah, not surprising."

"Well, would it surprise you to find out that there's a third level?"

I glanced back at the guard, who averted his eyes with a sly grin.

"Of course, we're not permitted to speak about it, but someone might tell you that we keep the most priceless and valuable treasures of Alabasta there, such as—"

"Ey ey ey!" I warded him off with a raised hand. "I appreciate the friendliness and all that, but secrets are secret for a reason. The less people who know, the less chance it could leak out, alright?"

The guard considered for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Fair enough, fair enough. Now then, Captain Igaram said you needed—?"

"Something that I can carry this around in," I answered, holding up the transceiver for him to see. "Something with easy access to it, so that I can reach it at all times."

"Hmm…" the guard mused as he rifled through a nearby crate. "Should it be heavy duty? Wouldn't want your device busting open, would you?"

I gave the guy a flat look before raising the transceiver and repeatedly ramming it against a pillar, all to no effect. "The... individual that supplied me with this device doesn't like it when their toys break. My hand is more hurt than this thing is," I deadpanned. "Trust me, this thing getting damaged is the last thing on my mind."

The guard stared in shock before slowly nodding. "Alright, then… oh, here! How about this?" He withdrew what appeared to be a nicely constructed messenger bag made out of canvas, complete with a solid shoulder strap and a firm-looking buckle for the flap. "Seem like it'd fit?"

"Hmm…" I took the bag and gave it a once-over before slipping the transceiver in, microphone facing forwards, before slipping the bag over my shoulder. I hefted the weight a few times before nodding my head side to side. "Feels good to me. Soundbite?"

Soundbite gave the bag a once-over before whistling in approval. "SEEMS snazzy TO ME!"

"Then this is the bag for me," I nodded confidently. "Thanks a lot, sir. Now, if you could just get to the main corridor, I think that I can make my way back to the room on my own."

The guard nodded, shooting a furtive, longing glance towards the staircase heading down to the next level, before shaking his head and marching back to and up the spiral staircase.

Let me tell you, it was a lot less fun going up than heading down, and while I wasn't huffing and puffing once we reached the kitchen, my legs were burning. We soon made our way back into the maze of twists and turns called Alabasta Royal Palace. It was a bit confusing, admittedly, but Soundbite was able to give a general direction for me to go in.

"So," I started curiously. "Any thoughts on how we can use our little windfall? Global eavesdropping, maybe?"

Soundbite considered that for a moment before shaking his head. "Uh-uh. To make the connection, I have TO CALL THEM, AND THEY'LL ALL RING. NOT SUBTLE. Plus, I'm not RECEIVING, I'm transmitting. IF I WANT anything from them, they have to call ME while I'm doing it."

"Well, that's annoying..." I tsked. "And… any forms of amplification for your capabilities?"

The Baby Snail clicked his tongue negatively. "ACTUALLY TRIED that with Pinkie and the Brain. NADA. I GUESS IT JUST DOESN'T—Puru puru puru puru!—GAH!"

I jumped in shock when Soundbite suddenly started shaking and humming repetitively. "What the—!? Are you getting a call?!"

"SEEMS LIKE—Puru puru puru puru!—Well, that's ANNOYING."

I blinked in confusion as a thought occurred to me. "Wait, how—? Who even has your number? I don't remember giving it out to anyone."

Soundbite, on the other hand, glanced away with a shifty look.

I pinned the snail with a glare. "Soooundbiiiite… what are you not telling me?"

"I-IT WAS while—Puru puru puru puru!—you were all unconscious. She was desperate AND I DIDN'T SEE THE HARM—!"

"She?" I promptly demanded with a sinking feeling. I knew who was on the other line.

Rather than dig himself any deeper, Soundbite instead jerked himself upright with a prominent "KA-LICK!" The next moment, his expression sank, his eyestalks and mouth drooping with a great depression, almost as though someone had killed his, or rather her, dog.

"Cross," Soundbite mumbled in a familiar voice, albeit with an unfamiliar tone.

"Officer Tashigi," I nodded respectfully, trying to keep my expression neutral.

Soundbite—and thus Tashigi—flinched self-consciously. "It's… it's actually Ensign now…" she muttered dejectedly, the words sounding as thick as tar as they came from her mouth. She was silent for a moment longer before hanging her head lower still. "I… I'm so sorry, Cross. We… we didn't know, there was nothing we could do—!"

"It's fine, it's fine," I waved her off casually. "I'll be honest, this isn't really a surprise. Hell, I saw it coming!"

Tashigi jerked in shock. "Wait, wha—!? Y-you did?" she demanded in confusion. "B-but then, how are you not mad o-or concerned or—!?"

"Because it was the obvious outcome of course!" I explained without a care in the world. "Do you really think that the World Government would attribute the downfall of a traitorous member of the Warlords to pirates? They'd sooner arrest a World Noble."

"Uh… wait…" Tashigi blinked, presumably surprised by something I'd said. "Wait… just to confirm, what are you—?"

I gave her a confused look. "Uh… you and Smoker's promotions and Luffy and Zoro's bounties, duh. Look, you really shouldn't concern yourself, we're pirates, we don't expect any praise, Vivi's happiness is more than reward enough. And as for those two, please, they'll be happy! We pirates use our bounties to keep score more than anything else! Heck," I grinned as I pointed my thumb at myself. "I can't wait for me to get my bounty! A badass moniker, my name heard around the world, what's not to love for a person who's already forsaken the way of the law?"

The silence from Tashigi was deafening, and I could feel an awkward tension starting to build.

"Uh, Tashigi?" I tried hesitantly. Geeze, what was her deal?

The Marine officer was staring at me with a stricken expression, her mouth open but nothing coming out. "C-Cross, I-I—!"

"CROSS!"

"GAH!" I jumped in shock when a vaguely familiar voice piped up behind me. Whirling around, I noticed that I'd come to a stop in front of a nice and open window, and standing on the sill of that window was… an albatross wearing a paperboy cap with a parcel under his wing? The hell—?

I started in shock as I noticed the scars on his underbelly. "Coo?" I asked in confusion. "Are… you the News Coo I met after Little Garden?"

"Yup, that's me!" The albatross saluted. "News Coo 1851. Nice to see you again, Cross!"

"THE FEATHER-RAT!?" Soundbite—really Soundbite—barked in shock.

I shot an offended look at him. "What the blue hell is your deal!? Seriously!"

Soundbite returned my glare evenly. "DO YOU know what THESE bastards EAT!?"

I blinked in confusion for a moment, before slowly widening my eyes in understanding. "Oooooh…"

"H-hey, we don't eat Transponders!" the out-of-uniform bird squawked indignantly. "Only normal ones, and only sometimes!"

"SO IT'S OKAY TO SOMETIMES EAT MY FREAKING COUSINS!?"

"Eeehhh…" Coo trailed off uncomfortably.

"C-Cross? Cross, what's going on?"

I winced as a foreign voice came from Soundbite's mouth. Right, forgot about her. "Ah, sorry Off—Ensign Tashigi, I'm afraid I've got another priority on my end. Hold, please!" I gave Soundbite a curious look. "You can do that, right?"

"No no no, Cross, wai—KLOCK!" Soundbite clicked his tongue before Tashigi could finish.

"There we go," I nodded before looking back at Coo curiously. "So, what brings you out here to Alabasta, Coo? And… why are you out of uniform?"

I was really starting to get tired of people suddenly getting worried around me all of a sudden.

"I-I-I, l-look, Cross…" Coo hedged uncomfortably, obviously nervous. "I-I'm doing this… I'm doing this because you were nice to me and-and-and in my line of work that's really rare and, well, animals talk and I've been hearing that you're all getting a raw deal and—!"

"Coo!" I interrupted. "What the heck are you talking about?"

The bird swallowed heavily as he glanced around, confirming that we were alone before tossing the parcel he was holding to me. "You didn't get this from me, burn it when you're done." And before I could ask him anything further he flew out of the window, tearing into the sky.

I stared after him in dumbfounded shock for a second before giving Soundbite a confused look. "Am I the only one sensing a pattern here?"

"Noooope," Soundbite shook his head solemnly.

"That's what I was afraid of…" I sighed as I unwrapped the parcel. I then stared at what I was holding. I was expecting a lot of things, but this? "Did… I just get some kind of blackmarket newspaper or something?"

Soundbite looked it over before jerking his eyestalks out in shock. "TRY THE future! Look at the date!"

Indeed, Soundbite was right: the newspaper was dated tomorrow.

"Well, that's weird…" I glanced out at the sky, where the sun was only just starting to descend. "It must have been printed early for some reason… they want it out immediately, maybe?"

"IT'S THREE DAYS after Crocodile fell, what could BE SO IMPORTANT, US?"

"I doubt it…" I was silent for a second before shrugging and unfolding the paper. "Well, only one way to find out. Now, then, let's see here…"

Overall, the headlines were... pretty tame, honestly. The Barto Club Pirates had attacked an island and earned Bartolomeo another bounty bump; Law, Bonney and Hawkins had all just entered the Grand Line scene and were making names for themselves; the Revolutionaries were operating here or there; rumors of the black-marketeer Joker a little everywhere; Big Mom did something in the West Blue… overall, some of this stuff was interesting, sure, but nothing truly scandalous.

"Come on, I don't have all day…" I huffed as I shifted to a new page… and paused in surprise at the sound of paper fluttering to the floor. Glancing down revealed some familiar brown, wrinkly sheets of paper.

"Huh, bounties…" I mused, leaning down to pick them up. I promptly grinned as I saw the faces on them. "Ah, these are our bounties! Heh, sweet, Luffy and Zoro are going to be—!" I stopped as I noticed something.

Only two of ours had bounties…

But there were three papers.

So then, who…?

I slowly flipped over the third bounty poster—

And I felt my veins freeze over.

For the longest time, I… I just stared, trying to reconcile what I was seeing, this impossible, impossible sight before me, with reality. Then, I slowly turned to look at Soundbite, who had an equally horrified expression.

"Put Tashigi back through," I said, with all the calmness of a shallow grave.

Soundbite nodded mutely, his expression shifting to a different brand of concern.

"Cross—?"

"If you don't tell me exactly what I expect you to tell me," I cut the Ensign off, my voice and countenance on par with dry ice. "Then I swear that I will lose all faith in you, in the Marine Corps, and in any other individual stupid enough to pledge themselves to your twisted sense of Justice."

Tashigi gaped at me for a moment before steeling her expression and glaring at me with unshed tears in her eyes. "There is no Justice in what's been done here, Cross," she whispered solemnly. "Not even I'm that blind."

And so she said it. She confirmed it.

She confirmed it… and I ran.

I ran the full distance to the room we were using before slamming the doors open, cutting off the conversation that was no doubt going on. And the second everyone saw the state I was in, they straightened up.

I took a moment to pant and regain my breath before looking up, a combination of panic, rage and misery painted on my face.

"We have a problem."

-o-

"Smoker, I don't see why you, of all people, are taking the word of a pirate over the Government. I know that the promotions were underhanded, but they did bring up valid points. Confused, Hina's confused," growled the eponymous captain of the Black Cage Formation as she paced back and forth on the upper deck of her ship, watching as her men scrambled to repair the ship that the Strawhats had fired upon in their escape.

"Valid my ass," Smoker scowled as he huffed out enough smoke for a coal plant, already reaching for another cigar even as his current one was steadily reduced to ash. "The last thing that fast-talking brat said to me was that before we left this island, I'd see the Straw Hat Pirates as more righteous than our superiors. The promotions alone were probably enough to prove him right. But this? They couldn't have mutilated Justice more if they killed Crocodile in captivity and told the world that the Straw Hats tried to take over the country."

"So, what are you trying to say, Smoker?!" Hina hotly demanded. "Are you saying that you've lost faith in Justice? In the Marines!?"

"No."

The captain and the commodore looked up in surprise at the interruption.

"Ensign," Smoker nodded solemnly.

"Commodore," Tashigi nodded back before shooting a determined glare at Hina. "And to answer your question, Captain, the answer is… ambiguous. We still believe in what we're doing, we believe in our mission, and we believe that there is Justice in the world…" She gestured out at the sandy continent the battleships were floating off of. "But this isn't just. This isn't Justice. We can't pretend to not see it, not any longer." She turned back to Hina. "Can you?"

Hina remained silent, her expression unreadable as she processed the shift in the girl's demeanor before blowing out a cloud of smoke from her cigarette. She then opened her mouth to reply—

"Don don don don!"

And nearly bit through her cigarette in shock as a sound rang out over the deck. "What in the world—?"

"Don don don don!"

Tashigi glanced around for a second as she tried to locate the noise before opening the door to the inside of the ship. She took one look inside before looking back out with a shocked expression. "I'm sorry, but have either of you ever heard a Transponder Snail make that noise before? Because—!"

"Don don don don!"

"Bring it out here, now," Smoker ordered.

A minute later and the snail was outside and situated on a lonesome crate, lazily looking over the trio before jittering wide awake with yet another "Don don don don!"

"…How much do you want to bet that Cross is behind this?" Tashigi deadpanned.

"Only a born sucker would take that action," Smoker snorted flatly.

"So, what do we do now, hm?" Hina asked as she eyed the snail. "Hina is curious, but this could also be a trap. Conflicted, Hina is very conflicted…"

Smoker promptly put an end to his comrade's conflict by picking up the speaker.

"Smoker!"

"We're already talking crazy, might as well act it too," the newly-promoted commodore grunted.

The Transponder Snail, meanwhile, had shifted its expression into a semi-cocky smile.

"Hello? Testing, testing, one-two-three, can you hear me?"

-o-

"Hmm… well, these two seem to be getting it alright, so hopefully that means that this thing is working. No other real way to tell…"

"Who's that calling you, Makino?" Mayor Woop Slap asked, his stern features marred by curiosity.

"I have no idea," the kindly barkeeper replied as she looked her snail over. "Bluey here started making a strange noise, and then—"

"Well! Might as well bite the bullet and get started! Helloooo, people of the world, from the North Blue to the South and everywhere in-between! My name is Jeremiah Cross! Chances are you haven't heard of me, buuut that's no surprise, seeing how I haven't been a pirate for long and I don't have a bounty yet!"

"A pirate!?" Woop Slap barked, leaping up and trying to grab for the speaker. Makino tugged it out of the mayor's reach with a frown.

"Now, Mayor, really! Let the man speak, it's only right that we at least hear what he has to say! And besides, you're being ridiculous! Not all pirates are evil, just look at—!"

"I imagine that pirate comment freaked a bunch of you out, huh? Yeah, I don't blame you. But, just for the record, I'm not like other pirates, none of my crew is! Allow me to reintroduce myself in a more specific manner: I'm Jeremiah Cross, third mate, tactician, communications officer and now I guess public relations officer of the Straw Hat Pirates! A mouthful and a lot of responsibility, I know, but what can I say? We're not exactly the biggest crew around."

Makino started in shock before giving the less-than-enthused Woop Slap a brilliant smile.

"Did you hear that, Mayor? This man—!"

-o-

"He's on Luffy's crew, he's on Luffy's crew!" Rika cheered, drawing everyone's attention to the bartop, civilian and Marine alike.

"I knew he was a resourceful young man, but this is ridiculous," Ririka muttered to herself.

"Uh, Ririka, Rika?" Captain Ripper spoke up uneasily as he pointed at the snail. "I realize that it's… nice to hear that 'your friend' is doing alright. I'm happy too, to an extent, but…"

The adult barkeeper put her hands on her hips and glared at the Marine. "You want us to hang up."

"No, you can't!" Rika cried desperately, grasping the Captain's pants leg. "This is the first we've heard of Luffy in weeks! You can't—!"

"Now, I imagine that a lot of people out in the world are freaking out because I'm a pirate and ten-to-one, the Marines are most likely going to try and outlaw this broadcast. And when someone gets caught doing something the Marines don't like, you can bet your bottom beri they're most likely going to take a bullet in the head for it."

Everyone stared at the snail, and then turned their eyes on Ripper and his men. The Marine Captain frowned heavily before tilting his cap down and sighing. "I refuse to conform to the stereotype that Morgan reinforced. But if word comes down from Marineford—!"

"Well, fear not, O citizens of the world, for you are not alone! As of this moment, I am utilizing a device, designed for and subsequently outlawed by the Marines known as a Snail Transceiver! Simply put, this device is amplifying the capabilities of my snail, Soundbite—!"

"HELLO PARTY PEOPLE! Who wants to get freaky with me?"

"Devil Fruit, isn't he a charmer?—so that he can reach every other Transponder Snail in the world at the same time. At this moment, I don't doubt that millions upon millions of people worldwide answered their snails and are listening to this broadcast. That means that if the Marines outlaw my voice and try to silence everyone who listens or listened to it, well… simply put, I invite them to try."

"Awesome!" Rika exclaimed, earning a quelling look from her mother. Everyone else, meanwhile, was staring at the snail, all thoughts of ignoring or ending the broadcast now gone in favor of varying degrees of curiosity and morbid fascination.

"I wonder why he's doing this, though…" Ririka mused.

-o-

"Well, anyways, I'm guessing that you're all wondering why I'm doing this broadcast, huh?"

"Woah, that's so cool!" Pepper breathed in awe.

"He knew what I said!" Onion freaked out slightly.

"Do you think he's a mind reader or something?" Carrot gasped.

"Doubtful, but we are talking about Luffy and Usopp here…" Kaya mused as she sipped her tea.

"Shoes off the couch, boys," Merry chastised as he dusted the furniture, his eyes never leaving the snail.

"Sorry, Mister Merry…" the trio muttered in chastisement.

"Well, to answer that, let's start with the Marine's depiction of pirates in general: dishonest individuals that either can't or won't make an honest living, so they decide to band together under flags in the name of wealth and destruction. They don't care about anyone but themselves, and would sooner kill you and take everything you hold dear than do a single honest day's work to get what they want. Bottom line? According to the Marines, pirates… are monsters."

"THAT'S A LIE!" the three ex-crewmates of the Usopp Pirates shouted defiantly.

"And… I won't lie to you. For the most part, the Marines… well, they're right."

"Huh!?" the trio started.

Kaya blinked in surprise as she stared at the snail. "Well, now…"

-o-

"The fact is, a lot of pirates are as the Marines described: murderers, cutthroats, bloodthirsty to a T. Far too often has a skull and crossbones been the harbinger of death and destruction for far too many. But note my language! 'For the most part,' 'a lot of'. I differ from the Marines in that I don't use absolutes. Just like how not all Marines are unilateral zealots, neither are all pirates killers!"

"Hmph," Genzo nodded firmly as he listened. "Sounds like Luffy found someone who has a good head on his shoulders. Good! Those people needed someone with a brain onboard!"

"Besides Nami, you mean?" Nojiko teased as she poked her male role model's cheek.

"After that stunt she pulled when she left? They rubbed off on her too much," Genzo snorted, grinning despite his words before becoming serious. "And besides…"

"You worry, I know, I know…"

"Well, the purpose of this broadcast is to display what I'm saying with gusto. My crew, and a lot of other crews like ours? We didn't set out to loo—OUCH!… alright, lemme try that again. We didn't set out to pill—OW! Sonnuva—! We didn't set out to rob people bli—! AGH! DAMN IT, WITCH, LEAVE ME ALONE, WILL YOU!?"

Nojiko fell to her knees laughing while Genzo started trying to strangle the panicked Transponder Snail.

"SHOW SOME SHAME, WOMAN!"

"Alright, sorry, difference of opinions from our second mate, navigator and treasurer. Let me start over…"

-o-

"Not all crews set out to kill. Us? We set out for different dreams, sure, but we have one common denominator: adventure. We set out to see the world. Every inch, every wonder… we wanted to see it all. We want to reach the end of the Grand Line. We want to follow in Roger's footsteps. To find the One Piece… that's our dream."

"And it's as lofty a goal as it was when they set out…but for Sanji's sake, I hope they do it!" Patty yelled.

"Of course they'll do it! That kid wrecked every big name in East Blue, and he's not slowing down!" Carne concurred, and the rest of the chefs cheered with equal exuberance.

All except for their boss, who was watching the snail with the stern expression that his employees had come to expect from him, and hadn't said a word since Cross identified which crew he was a part of.

"Now, I imagine that the Marines will tell you otherwise, but the fact is that this dream does not necessitate bloodshed. We don't go out of our way to hurt any civilians, we don't pick fights unless we have to. In essence, we are the antithesis of the pirate stereotype. And that, right there, is why I am broadcasting to you all here today, and why I will keep broadcasting to you for the foreseeable future. To tell you our side of the story."

-o-

"Henceforth, whenever I feel like it, I'm going to start up this broadcast, and I'm going to speak to the world. I'm going to let the world know who we are, what we're like, how we live our lives. I'm going to let you all share in our adventures as we travel the Grand Line, and see more incredible sights than have ever been seen before."

"BWOOOOOOH!"

"Quiet, Laboon, quiet!" Crocus waved at the Island Whale absentmindedly. "I can barely hear anything!"

"Now, fair warning, this broadcast? It won't be for the faint of heart. And it's certainly not a call to the sea either, you can be sure of that! When we decided to come out to the Grand Line, we all made a conscious choice, a decision, to willingly put our lives on the line. This ocean, this journey we're on, it's completely nuts. I mean, it is insane. We've almost died more times than I can count, and while I personally find that exhilarating, there's every chance that if you try, you won't be as lucky. So, if you decide to go out to sea… then you damn well make sure that you're prepared to put your life on the line, and absolutely nothing less, you understand?… Good."

Crocus smiled fondly as he listened to the young man's voice. Internally, he was both sad and happy.

First Strawhat, now this… this young man. Both perfect members to join the crew, sublime crewmates through and through…

Just a few years too late.

"Now then, this broadcast, this program, it needs a name, doesn't it? Well, before you all go getting your panties in a twist, allow me to tell you the one I've already selected."

-o-

"Well, this should be good…" Mr. 5 grumbled as he leaned against the wax house's back-wall.

"Shush!" Miss Valentine hissed loudly before returning her attention back to the Transponder Snail.

"By adhering to the laws of Keep It Simple Stupid and injecting a little bit of my own nostalgia for home, I've come up with a name that is both apropos and easy to remember. Hence, I'd like all of my current listeners—huh? What are you—? Oh, huh, I guess that's probably holy frick that many!? Uh, wow. Alright, just figured out what panels shows how many people are tuned in… well, I'd like to thank my upwards of several hundred million listeners for tuning in and welcome them all to the first ever showing of the Strawhat Broadcast Station, or the SBS for short!"

"Oh, please, that's the best he can come up with?"

"Quiet!" Miss Goldenweek chastised impatiently.

"Now… here's the thing: for this first broadcast, I'd love to let you all listen in on the general insanity of the ship. Luffy's idiocy, Zoro and Sanji's daily fights, Usopp's tall tales, Nami's sticky fingers, Chopper's research, Soundbite's… mere existence,"

"YOU LOVE ME and you know it!"

"Sea King shit. But anyways… I'm afraid that I can't do that right now."

"Thank God for small mercies."

"SILENCE, TINY HUMAN!" a loud voice roared as the wax shelter was shook by a violent impact. "WE ARE TRYING TO LISTEN!"

"INDEED!" another equally loud voice concurred. "EITHER QUIET YOURSELF OR FACE THE WRATH OF THE WARRIORS OF ELBAF!"

"WILL YOU MORONS SHUT UP ALREADY?!" two female voices screeched furiously.

"Sorry…" three thoroughly chastised male voices wilted.

-o-

"Currently, this first broadcast, this momentous event… is marred by tragedy. It's marred by injustice, and wrongdoing and… and as much as I want to have the usual roaring good time our crew usually has, I just can't do it. This… this is just too important."

"Something of enough gravity to make that cheeky brat, his loud-mouthed snail, and his rubber-brained captain stop their antics? I'm surprised the world's still turning," Doctor Kureha mused.

"I'll take your word for it," Dalton remarked from next to her. "You did interact with them more. At least Chopper's doing well, from the sound of things."

"Kak kak kak, yes…" Kureha chuckled darkly.

THUNK!

The Transponder Snail nearly… voided itself when a scalpel suddenly buried itself up to the handle in the wood before it.

"He'd better be."

"You see… three days ago, we Strawhats, we were involved in a rebellion that took place in a kingdom in the Grand Line known as Alabasta. To be specific, we helped stop that rebellion, a feat that necessitated our captain, Monkey D. 'Straw Hat' Luffy, to fight and ultimately defeat the Warlord of the Seas known as Crocodile. Now, the Marines and the World Government, they're spinning their own version of these events, and honestly? We're inclined to let them. They can say whether we were there or not, they can claim credit for taking down Crocodile, we don't care. We didn't do it for glory, we didn't do it honor, hell, we didn't even do it for gold, and boy did our navigator give us an earful for that. The point is, the Marines can up our bounties, they can call us criminals, that's all fine, but there's one thing that they're saying that's crossing the line. One thing, one lie… that no matter what, no matter the reasoning, no matter the ends, we cannot—will not—stand for."

-o-

In a well-decorated room with broad windows, located far away from the seas and seated upon the top of the world, five old men sat and decided the fate of the millions as they listened to the words coming from the mouth of a snail.

"This is quite the troubling turn of events…" a stout, bearded man with a cane hummed darkly. "Did we not forbid and destroy all of Vegapunk's transceivers for this express purpose when it was created?"

"Indeed we did, and they were," a relatively younger man with blond hair growled as he stroked his own beard. "I can't fathom how a pirate from such a novice crew managed to acquire such a device."

"Does it truly matter?" a squat, bald man snorted, his breath ruffling his rather impressive moustache. "That device was only deemed dangerous due to the threat of it falling into the hands of the likes of the Revolutionaries. What harm could it do in the hands of a mere child?

"I would not be so quick to dismiss this individual," a tall man, a giant even, with an impressively groomed beard stated gravely. "Remember that we once ignored the threat posed by a similarly inexperienced pirate nigh twenty-two years ago. Before we knew it, he had managed to strike a blow graver than any we have ever suffered. No menace, however seemingly insignificant, may be ignored."

Before the discussion could continue, they were interrupted by the very subject of their discussion.

"And so, without further ado, I cede my microphone to one of my dearest friends… and the victim of this heinous miscarriage of justice."

There was a brief shuffling noise, and then Cross's voice was replaced by that of a woman.

"People of the world. My name is Nefertari Vivi… and until today, I was the heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Alabasta."

As one, the Five Elder Stars stiffened visibly, the tall one blowing out a hard breath in the process. "I do so despise when I am proven right…"

"For the last two years, I have dedicated my life to infiltrating the criminal organization known as Baroque Works, which was working to destroy my kingdom from the inside out, and was led by Sir Crocodile, formerly of the Seven Warlords of the Sea. For two grueling, thankless years, I sacrificed my morals in order to uncover the leader's identity, hoping to prevent a war that would undoubtedly lead to the destruction of my kingdom and my people. With the generous and selfless help of the Straw Hat Pirates, who crossed my path after I had succeeded and Crocodile learned of who I was, my mission finally bore fruit. Thanks to their efforts, I survived his best efforts to end my life and returned home, where I stopped the rebellion after hundreds of my people had already died. All I did, I did in the name of my kingdom… of my people. I did it so that I might safeguard their future. So that I might one day return home and continue to protect them with all that I am, and all that I have to give.

"And now…" Nefertari was forced to pause as she took a shuddering breath before continuing, her voice charged with a myriad of emotions. "And now, that is no longer possible. Now, I am forced to flee my kingdom, to abandon my home and my people… to run away once more, with no hope of ever returning…"

"... Because the World Government has unjustly and erroneously accused me of treason."

The eldest of the five, a bald man in a formal robe, frowned darkly as he tightened his grip on the sword he was holding, and in one swift move he jerked it out slightly so that an inch of the blade could gleam in the sun's rays.

"The threat…" he intoned gravely. "Has just become real."

-o-

A.N. Twenty-two thousand six-hundred words. One chapter. And we just broke the 200K word threshold. Boom. Mic drop. Peace.