6/7

"And now," I picked up, slowly joining Luffy in standing up, Lassoo and Funkfreed hastily ran to my side and shifted so that I could hold them and brandish them at the jungle, which I was suddenly very wary of. "After a week of running around and killing alphas and who knows how many other beasts, they've gotten their fangs and mandibles on a motherlode of toxin all at once. They've all become significantly stronger. Strong enough to kill any alphas they want on their own." I swallowed heavily, clenching my weapons as tight as possible in an effort to keep myself from shaking. "Strong enough that they don't need us anymore."

"And because they've been trained to think that eating something gives you its strength…" Boss grunted, idly spinning his hook in his flipper. "There's no way in hell that they're going to let prime cuts like us walk away without tearing strips from our hides."

Soundbite slowly closed his eyes with a pitiful moan. "How'd you figure out they were RIGHT outside the edge of my hearing, CAP'N?"

"The jungle was too quiet," Luffy grimly answered. "They were pulling back to charge us all at once as soon as they were ready…"

"And they're ready," Soundbite sighed as the sound of snapping trees echoed from not far away. "This is gonna suck…"

-o-

"I actually feel sort of sorry for them at this point," a blue-haired swordswoman sighed as she practiced her slashes.

"Kyuu," chimed her on-looking companion.

"Soundbite?" Cross asked without looking at his partner.

"A dozen. TWO DOZEN. FIFTY, A HUNDRED, TWO HUNDRED…" The snail's naturally ashen complexion slowly became paler and paler. "Sonnuva RED DOG, I THINK THE WHOLE DAMN ISLAND WANTS TO TRY ITS LUCK!"

Monkey D. Luffy, meanwhile, squared his stance and shifted around so that he and his tactician were back to back. "Cross, do you have a plan?"

Cross licked his lips, nervously twirling his sword in his palm. "Well, Luffy, considering how we're surrounded on all sides, vastly outnumbered, and have no way out and no hope of backup or rescue… yeah, I think I have one."

Boss slowly sucked in a deep breath, calmly reducing what was left of his cigar to ashes before flicking away the remaining stub. "What is it?"

K-CHK!

"How does 'make a stand' sound to you?" Cross asked grimly.

"IT SOUNDS GREAT!" Luffy flung his arms out with a massive roar, eyes blazing with primal fury. "BRING IT ON!"

"Well, at least they've still got their 'never say die' attitude," Tashigi rolled her eyes, half wearily and half fondly.

"Lieutenant Tashigi."

Said swordswoman looked back towards the grunt who owned the visual snail they were currently making use of—something about it helping with lookout duty—as he approached.

"Our destination is on the horizon; we'll be there in an hour or less."

"Thank you, Petty Officer," Tashigi said, and then turned to her newer recruit. "Popora, could you inform Commodore Smoker that we're nearly to Navarone? I need to alert Vice Admiral Jonathan to our arrival."

The hybrid creature snorted, but still scampered off into the ship.

-o-

The thriving town of St. Poplar was enjoying a massive shake-up in their normal routine. The pirate crew that had arrived a day before to resupply—regulars on the island, well-known for being good customers—had leapt at the opportunity that the sudden broadcast presented; in less than an hour, a full-scale festival had sprouted up around the screen.

And like all good festivals, everything had a somewhat overlarge price tag.

"Oh, sweet Christmas!" 'Silver Fox' Foxy cackled, wringing his hands together. "Some of ze Straw Hats' strongest and most infamous members getting in an all-out brawl with an army of mutant superanimals!? We're going to make a mint!"

"On top of the mint we've already made, you mean!" Porche agreed, poring over the laboriously organized cash box. "We haven't made this much since the Mock Island Massacre!"

A trail of drool slipped out of Foxy's mouth at the memory of that debacle. "Soooo many drunk idiots thinking they could outmuscle us! And every one of them completely wrong! Oh, may the world never run short on suckers!"

"Hey, you!"

The shout snapped Foxy out of his daydream, and he shot a stink eye at the local thug who was pointing a gun at him and his aide. "Case in point… hey, lazy-eyes, you want our hard-earned money, which we earned through honest swindling?" The pirate stepped aside and gestured forwards politely. "Then please, by all means."

The thug gave Foxy a confused look before leering and starting to dash forwards. "Weak-ass piece of—!"

"Slow-Slow Beam," Foxy drawled, freezing the would-be robber in place. Porche followed up ten seconds later by tossing the now empty money-box at the man's head, upon which Foxy froze the box as well.

"Have fun with that, dingus," the Silver Fox called over his shoulder with a wave and a chuckle. As he walked towards the screening area, he started wringing his hands again, fighting the urge to cackle. "Now, time to see the one-sided beat—!"

"Captain, we've got a problem!" Pickles shouted frantically as he jogged up to his shorter superior.

"Oh, come on, don't tell me the three stooges and change already beat them all!" Foxy snarled, shoving past his subordinate. "I know they're ludicrously powerful, but even for them there's a limit!"

"Ah, no, the problem's not really with the fight itself…" Pickles grunted as he hustled after his boss. "But, well…"

"ARGH!"

Foxy could only gape in horror at the screen, which showed a soaring, rapidly moving view of the airborne archipelago with no Straw Hats.

"It's the fact… that the bird isn't sticking around… to watch it…" the tackle-master finished weakly.

"THE SECOND THAT SKINNY TWERP GETS HIS BOX BACK, I'M RIPPING HIM A NEW ONE FOR ALL THE WORLD TO HEAR!" Foxy roared.

"Hey hey hey, it's not his fault, that's not fair!" Pickles hastily defended their incognito superior.

"The betting on that blowout was going to fund our commission to Water 7 to build the Brass Fox," Foxy snarled in an almost rabid tone, teeth audibly grinding. "You know, the ship that Hamburg was going to be in charge of and that was going to have our own custom booby-trapped Groggy Ring on its deck?"

"I'LL DICE THEM INTO BITE-SIZED PIECES!" Pickles howled, ripping his sabers from their sheaths.

"Boss, Pickles, knock it off," Porche cut in. "Think about it for a minute. This broadcast is obviously meant to show off the Straw Hats struggling to the world. If it's leaving those three right as it's getting good, either it's going to show some of the other Straw Hats—"

"Or it's going to show the big man himself getting a status report," Foxy finished, his irritation ebbing away and his grin returning. "Either way, more of a show… and still something that can be bet on! Someone hurry up and set those odds!"

"You ever think the Boss might be taking this a bit far?" Capote hissed to the crew's announcer.

"You haven't seen the treasure tax that our big boss's treasurer and second mate slapped him with…" Itomimizu sorrowfully replied.

"Oh, cherry blossoms!" Porche squealed in delight.

Attention returned to the screen, where the eagle was currently soaring over a lovely land filled with the cherry blossoms of springtime and where a different variety of monsters was swarming and raging. At the same time, a distant sound drifted across the connection. It took a moment to identify, but the more that the eagle flew, the more it sounded like Soundbite was nearby given the sonorous music blaring out. And alongside it was screaming…

"NAAAMI-SWAAAN! ROBIN DEEEAR! PRINCEEEEESS VIVIIIII! WHERE ARE YOU, MY LOVELIES?!"

"EVERYOOOONE! WE'RE HEEEERE! RIGHT HEEEERE!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, WILL YOU TWO MORONS STOP GIVING AWAY OUR LOCATION?!"

"ARF ARF A-ARF ARF!"

"WHY DID I HAVE TO BE STUCK WITH THE SUICIDAL IDIOTS!?"

The eagle finally came into view of the source: Sanji, his face mostly hidden by a large hat and… medical mask; Conis, Tone Dials in both hands blaring out music for all to hear; another one of the Dugongs, Mikey by the color of his bandana; and a very miserable-looking Usopp who was making just as much noise with his exasperated sobs.

"Perfect!" Foxy exclaimed in joy.

"MIKEY, YOU CANNOT TELL ME THAT AFTER ALL YOUR TRAINING WITH BOSS, YOU'RE STILL THIS STUPID!"

The Dugong paused his bellowing, glared at Usopp, and flailed his flippers in a somehow significant pattern before resuming his bellowing. The sniper blinked and pulled a book out of his bag, flipping through the pages and muttering. Several people in the audience, meanwhile, just looked confused, lacking a translation.

"I'm pretty sure that he just said 'I don't care, this is fun.'"

Attention turned towards Foxy, who shrugged. "I don't know a lot of sign language, but I've seen that phrase more than enough times over the years."

Usopp's eyes twitched as he found the translation, clearly fighting the urge to throw the book at the dugong.

"FUN?!" he screamed.

And right on cue, the foliage at the edge of the clearing parted, and in charged… a green giraffe.

"…OK, seriously. Why would anyone ever try to make a giraffe into a killing machine? It was stupid enough the first time," Sanji shook his head.

-o-

Elsewhere in the Grand Line, Kaku was struck with a sudden urge to murder someone.

He then blinked in surprise when something poked him in the shoulder, and turned to find Hattori offering him a flask of… something or other.

"You too, huh?" the long-nosed assassin deadpanned, and then sighed in defeat when the pigeon nodded. "Alright, hit me."

-o-

Predictably, the giraffe was only the vanguard of the mob of animals that the pirates' noisemaking attracted. From all around, a stream of beasts emerged: a gigantic caterpillar, a massive blue tiger with two tails and six legs, a swarm of small bulls that bore a resemblance to tikis, a giant and menacing squirrel, a king-sized boar with porcupine quills over its entire body…if anyone watching was disappointed about not witnessing a massive free-for-all, this was a good consolation prize.

Besides, they kinda were getting a massive free-for-all. Sanji, upon seeing the stampede, dove straight at the small bulls, sending the creatures flying alongside a musical accompaniment of sung beef recipes. That prompted the bulls to put aside their differences and gang up on the chef, though the steady flight of more of the bulls clearly indicated how well that strategy was working.

Conis and Mikey, meanwhile, pulled out weapons that were very much not what the viewers were used to. After all, nobody had heard of Conis using a piece of wood the size of a small cannon in a manner much akin to a staff, nor were nunchucks usually constructed out of bones.

The lack of special effects from Usopp, situated behind the above two plinking away at the quilled boar, merely emphasized the oddness.

"Where's the kaboom?" Pickles complained. "Come on, we know those two are bristling with explosive goodies! Why aren't they using them?"

"Do you know how fast ammo runs out in a sustained firefight?" Porche shot back. "I do. I do the accounting after every battle. You never have enough. Honestly, if they still had any ammo past day one I'll eat my makeup kit."

"Then why's Usopp still shooting?"

"Because he's shooting rocks, dingus," Foxy deadpanned. "You look closely, you can see them shattering on that porcupine boar thing. He doesn't need gunpowder, and you can just pick decent rocks for shooting off of the ground. That slingshot'll keep shooting until something breaks, and from what we know of his work that's a long ways off."

On screen, Mikey dodged out of the way of the caterpillar, before kicking off the air and landing on its head. To the surprise of everyone, he then swung his nunchucks down and around the insect's body, grunted happily after an experimental tug, and then used his tail to slap it into motion.

To the surprise of no one, that just pissed it off, and the caterpillar began thrashing about, trying to dislodge its impromptu mount.

The boar, meanwhile, seemed to have tired of getting shot at, as it shrugged off one last rock to the face before pawing the ground and charging straight at Usopp. One last rock failed to slow it down, and everyone expected Usopp to beat feet away.

So you can imagine the reaction to him planting Kabuto in the dirt and standing his ground.

"Is he crazy?!" Porsche yelped, bug-eyed.

"Has the fear finally snapped his mind like a twig?!" Foxy demanded.

Pickles shook his head. "Nah, he's gonna do something really cool! I know it!"

Usopp continued to stand his ground as the boar drew ever closer. In fact, he wasn't moving at all. The festival atmosphere evaporated in favor of tense silence as everyone in the square watched the feed, and mothers covered the eyes of their children. Were they about to see this broadcast turn into a snuff film? And why wasn't Usopp doing anything?!

The boar was about five feet from Usopp when the camera suddenly panned up. Protests died on the audience's tongues at the sight of Conis falling out of the sky, her log-like weapon grinding into the windpipe of the blue tiger, the creature trying and failing to dislodge her with its tails. With a grunt of exertion, the Skypiean flipped in mid-air, the tiger going along for the ride until it belly flopped right onto the charging boar.

There was a moment where the only sounds were the background battle noises, and then both creatures squealed in pain, a good octave or two higher than their initial voices. Given one had been squashed under two tons of tiger and the other had gotten a bellyful of porcupine quills, this was an entirely appropriate reaction. The tiger promptly clambered off the boar, and both beat a hasty retreat, leaving behind a still-frozen Usopp and a panting Conis.

"Oh, good…" she groaned. "I wasn't… sure that'd… work… ow… gonna need to ask Sanji for another massage tonight…" Straightening, she turned towards Usopp. "Usopp, the beasts are gone."

The Foxy trio exchanged confused glances, but shouting from the square drew them back to the show in time to see Usopp keel backwards, which showed exactly why he hadn't dodged: his eyes were wide, tearing, and bloodshot, and his entire expression radiated terror.

"Oh, I have I-Don't-Want-To-Be-On-This-Island-Anymore Disease again," he whimpered. "And this time it's fatal."

"You were saying something?" Foxy queried, one eyebrow raised as he looked sidelong at Pickles. A gaping, poleaxed Pickles.

Meanwhile, the camera panned back up to take in the entire battlefield. Mikey was still riding the caterpillar, and the clearing was now noticeably larger, shattered trees strewn about. Bulls were still flying from where Sanji was fighting. And Su… had just smugly strutted into the picture with the giant squirrel lying in an insensate, twitching heap behind her?! What?

As if sensing the patent disbelief of the distant audience, the cloud fox turned to the camera and stuck her tongue out at it.

"How…" Porche breathed.

"Guess that confirms Cross's hypothesis of the drugs being intended for animal consumption…" Foxy half-whimpered.

"You mean that now she's—?" Pickles began, only to flail his arms.

"Uh-huh…"

After another few seconds of open-mouthed gaping, by some unspoken agreement, the audience collectively decided to forget that had ever happened. At least, that happened with the Foxy trio. Besides, much more interesting things were going on elsewhere on the screen. Sanji, for instance, kicking an opening through the pile of bulls that had been around him, before delivering a "Party Manners Kick Course!" right to the center of the caterpillar as it bounded over him, still trying to dislodge the stubborn dugong on its back.

The massive insect promptly collapsed into a quivering heap, Mikey rolling off and pumping his flippers, at which point Sanji kicked him upside the head. Conis, dragging Usopp behind her, joined the two a few seconds later, and the audience promptly relaxed.

"Wait. Where'd the giraffe go?"

"BAROOOOO!"

The audience tensed right back up as the giraffe barged back in on the fight, bellowing and stomping.

"Huh, smart," Porche muttered. "Let them wear each other out and then ambush."

"Ssh!" Pickles hissed.

The Straw Hats onscreen tensed up, ready to fight… and then Usopp stood up and stepped in front of them, a confident smirk on his face.

"Great, now what's he doing?" Porche groaned.

"He has a plan, I just know it!" Pickles barked.

Foxy rolled his eyes. "Like the last time?"

Apparently, the Straw Hats agreed if Su's eye-rolling and Sanji's growled "What are you doing, shit-sniper?" were anything to go by.

Usopp, for his part, just told them, "Don't worry, guys, I got this."

The giraffe, for its part, demonstrated its utter contempt for Usopp's bravado by letting out a snort that managed to sound derisive before charging. In response, Usopp braced himself and cupped his hands at his side. Many a facepalm echoed out at that.

"He's not seriously gonna…" Foxy groaned between his hands.

"He's gonna do it! He's gonna do it!"

"Take this!" Usopp declared. "Super Mega Ultra Turtle Destruction Wave: Version Omega!"

To the shock of everyone, at those words a blue glow built up in Usopp's cupped hands. And 'everyone' included the giraffe. Its eyes widened, and it immediately hit the brakes and reversed course back into the underbrush.

Usopp held his pose and expression until the giraffe was not only out of sight but out of audible range before slumping in relief. He recovered a few seconds later, and grinned, bringing his hand forward and revealing what he had in it.

"A Lamp Dial," Conis said, her expression growing into a smile. "Impressive innovation, Usopp!"

"Well, what can I say?" the sniper said, smugly rubbing his finger beneath his nose. "I'm the greatest liar this side of the Grand Line! No man nor beast can outsmart me when push comes to shove!"

"And thus, the Straw Hats remind us that even in a realm of brute force, trickery is still a force to be reckoned with," Foxy crooned, scribbling down in a notebook.

Mikey suddenly either had a seizure or sign-languaged another sentence. "'Any chance you could teach me that sleight of hand later?' That's what he said," Sanji said, pointing to the dugong and dispelling the confusion.

"Once we're back with the others and out of this nightmare, sure," Usopp said.

"Oh, yes, the others," Conis said, fishing around in her outfit. Sanji's eye began to morph into a heart and Mikey grinned eagerly, and Usopp's grin fell away, eyes twinkling with pure malice.

"Oh, like hell are you three bringing this place down on us again!" he snapped.

Usopp grabbed something out of of his bag and vanished. The viewers blinked as a blur shot around the Straw Hats, blocking them from view. Seconds later, the view cleared, revealing Conis, Sanji, and Mikey fumbling with their faces, which were now covered from upper lip to neck in something gray and shiny; Usopp materialized beside the eagle, nodding in satisfaction as he dropped a pair of shells into his bag. He then turned directly towards the camera, holding up a roll of the same material that his crewmates were now struggling with.

"Duct tape, ladies and gentlemen. The all-purpose tool, and excellent for shutting up noisy crewmates when you're looking for a little peace and quiet."

"…Porche?" Foxy deadpanned.

"Already leaving, Boss," Porche responded, heading for the nearest hardware store just as the camera's view started to soar away from the Straw Hats again.

-o-

"Come on, come on…"

"Your highness, you're going to gnaw clean through your thumb at this rate," Igaram chided.

"My daughter and her friends are trapped in a bioweapons lab several miles in the sky that is being maintained by one of the most infamous members of the Old Guard to ever live," Cobra Nefertari grit out, teeth still working at his nail.. "If you think I'm going to calm down before I know she's perfectly safe, you're out of your mind."

"AAAAGH! SOMEONE HELP ME ALREADY!"

Chaka slapped a hand to his face with a groan at the familiar voice. "Uh-oh." In front of him, Cobra gripped the handles of his chair hard enough for them to creak.

As the eagle swooped down onto a moderately forested island with an autumn climate, the Alabastians couldn't help but feel tense. It was with no small amount of relief to the royals that the camera soon found a path torn through the brown-leaved trees, liberally decorated with fallen animals.

"Well, at least whoever she's stuck with is clearly strong enough to protect her, right?" Pell weakly pointed out.

"YOU LAZY BASTARDS! GET OFF YOUR ASSES AND MAKE THIS THING STOP!" Vivi yelled.

"'LAZY' MY THREE-POINTED CHIN, 'YOUR MAJESTY'! WE'VE GOT OUR HANDS FULL, AND THAT'S WITH ROBIN HELPING US!"

"You just had to say it…" Chaka groaned as the creaking resumed.

The eagle's view finally reached the Straw Hats. And naturally, the scene it showed was an odd one. Vivi had her lion cutters latched in the jowls of a massive blood-red bronco as a makeshift bridle. Her arm wound around one chain while the other arm moved her hair out of her eyes, letting her look back at her crewmates with a growing blush and sheepish expression. Suddenly, Carue materialized a short distance away and began charging towards the bronco, which promptly skipped out of the frame, at which point the camera turned away.

From where the duck had come was a gargantuan banana-yellow serpent. Arms blossomed and wilted all over its body, though Nico Robin herself was nowhere to be seen at first. As the eagle came above the serpent, they saw her struggling within the serpent's grasp, countless arms blooming from all over her body to keep the coils from constricting her. On the outside sprinted Franky, his hair draping down in front of his face; Donny, who had kunai in flipper and seemed to be carving nicks all over the serpent's body; and… another figure in a peculiar outfit.

He had legs clad in black with dress shoes and a sword in one hand. The rest was hidden beneath a fukaamigasa hat with strips of fabric hanging down and covering him from crown to waist. Even the hand wielding the sword that produced more nicks on the serpent wasn't visible.

"That's their musician, I would assume," Kohza said.

The view circled around the serpent for several moments, much to Cobra's ire. When it finally turned back towards his daughter, she wasn't having much better of a time, gritting her teeth while Carue darted among the bronco's legs, apparently looking for an opportunity.

"SORRY IF I'M BEING A BIT SNAPPY, BUT I'M ABOUT TEN SECONDS AWAY FROM GETTING MY NECK SNAPPED!" Vivi shrieked.

"Yeah, and we're trying not to get pumped full of the acid this thing is using as venom here!" Franky snapped back. "So excuse us if we're a little preoccupied right now!" The camera switched back to the snake in time to see Franky punch it and Donny carve another chunk out of its hide, drawing a pained hiss from the beast that seemed to come from everywhere. "Sonuva- where is this thing's head?!"

"Yohohohoho! I think that's what this entity's evolution was going for!" the apparent musician laughed as he zipped by. His voice was somewhat muffled by his headgear, but only enough to obfuscate his voice a little. Otherwise, he was perfectly audible. "Never fear, though! I have a plan! All I need is… aha, my flute!"

"Uh…" The three guards all exchanged confused looks, while Kohza looked thoughtful. Cobra was… less restrained.

"WHAT THE DEVIL IS A FLUTE GOING TO DO?!" he demanded of the screen.

"STOP SCREWING AROUND AND HELP, BROOK!" Franky and Vivi roared and screeched, respectively.

"I say! What hostility!"

"Brook," Nico Robin ground out through what sounded like gritted teeth. "I'm going to assume you have a good plan here. Implement it, now, before this thing breaks any more of my arms, or I shall strip the flesh from your bones piece by piece and use it to wallpaper my library."

"A creative threat… but I don't—GRK!" The musician was cut off by what they assumed was a hand sprouting on his body and grabbing his throat.

"I will find a way."

"R-Right…" Brook gurgled. "Plan now… joke later…"

A moment later, a low, haunting melody rang out, one that was almost familiar to the gathered Alabastans.

"I've heard that song before…" Cobra muttered, furrowing his brow in thought.

"So have I," Pell added. "But where…?"

On screen, the snake froze, before beginning to undulate. After about half a minute, something poked out of the mass of snake. Something scaly, and diamond-shaped, with a forked tongue poking out of it.

"Ah, now I remember!" Igaram exclaimed, plopping his fist in his palm. "It's similar to the snake-charming song the priests of Apophis play during their snake festival!"

Cobra raised an eyebrow. "You mean the deathly boring snake festival that ten generations of Nefertaris have begged out of going to?"

"Er…"

"I was thinking more of the street performers, myself," Kohza stated.

"Your Majesty, look!"

Onscreen, the head of the snake was now blatantly obvious, as was the somewhat glazed look in its eyes. But that's not what drew everyone's attention. No, that was reserved for Nico Robin, who had stepped into the visual snail's eyesight and had donned a scowl of… anger wasn't the right word. Aggravation? Regardless, the expression was vindictive as hell when she crossed her arms.