Chapter 10

I had no idea how long I was in that darkness but when I woke up, it was noon.

I knew the sun was high up in the clouds because of the rays that livened the room through the windows. I sat up and stared at the window lifelessly.

Tears filled my eyes and streamed down my cheeks.

I wasn't thinking straight.

My wolf was unheard, unseen and unfelt. I guess we were grieving in our own ways.

My eyes were glued to the window until dusk.

I was only slightly aware of the hospital staff who periodically came to my room. They felt like bees around me.

"You can't see her, Alpha's orders"

"Get out of my way" a woman yelled

" Ma'am, we're sorry but we can't let you in, we'll be penalized if we do"

" What do you mean, she's my daughter I must see her"

" Ma'am, ma'am, sh*t! Someone grab her"

The door of the room was flung open and someone shut the door immediately. I heard a click and the sound of approaching footsteps.

I couldn't be bothered to turn so I stayed put, watching the window without actually seeing it.

I heard a stifled sob. It sounded very familiar and I was suddenly curious. I wanted to know who that person was.

I turned my head in the direction of the sound. There was a woman standing a few steps away from the bed where I was seated. Her hands were clutching a light brown bag which fell from her hands, the moment she saw me and her hair was a bit messy. She overall didn't look her best but I was sure she looked better than I.

Her face was familiar.

I tried to see if I knew her but I couldn't find a connection.

"What have they done to you?"

she was in tears.

Immediately, images and short clips flashed in my head of her.

I knew her, she was my mother...

How could I have not remembered her

"Mom?"

The sound of my voice seemed strange to me. it was like the sound of nails drawn on an iron sheet and my throat felt very sore as I spoke.

I was pulled into a hug by my mother.

"My poor baby". She kept saying over and over, tears running down her face.

I was in her embrace for a long time.

Slowly but surely, I started coming to an awareness of myself and my environment. I was pulled out of that darkness into a place of unmistakable peace that I couldn't explain. I felt hope...

The hope I thought I had lost was back.

She eventually stopped crying and loosed me from her embrace. I wanted to return to her arms where I found peace but she took my hands in hers and held them tightly.

We were silent, just sitting and watching each other without saying anything.

A thought crossed my mind.

It may have been me trying to strengthen the little hope I had, or an exercise birthed in futility, but I felt like I needed to do it.

"Is my baby really dead?" I asked

I was breaking my heart myself but the need to know overpowered my sense of self preservation.

She immediately burst into tears.

She cried for so long that my head started aching just from listening to her.

When she eventually stopped, I asked her the same question again.

I knew I was hurting her but apologies could come later.

It must have been painful but she nodded her head.

I had nothing to say.

I was confused.

My hope was now gone and I had no anchor.

Tears flowed from my eyes but no sound left my lips.

She studied me.

She was just as I remembered. When she felt something was wrong, she would keep it to herself and just watch quietly...

A loud bang on the door was followed by a series of knocks and rhetorical questions.

After a while, it stopped.

The next thing I knew, the door had been opened and a group of men and women wearing white coats rushed in. I wiped my tears and stared at them.

My sense of shame still existed?

A male doctor sighed

"Ma'am, you have to leave" he said.

"Why does she?" I asked

They looked at me open mouthed and in shock.

Oh well, what did I expect.

One moment, I was an unmovable, unresponsive statue and now, I was talking just fine.

"It's fine, I'll come tomorrow" she said

She smiled at me and held my right hand.

"Okay"

"Thank you" the male doctor said and escorted her out.

I laid back down on my bed having absolutely no idea what I was going to do next.

....

She returned the next day looking better and more like herself.

We sat down to talk for a while before we were interrupted by the doctor in charge of my treatment. I had no idea what had happened or how I was alive and nobody seemed to know either.

I had asked a few nurses who were very unwilling to answer but did anyway leaving me more confused than when I asked them.

The doctor walked in wearing a spotless white doctor's coat and holding a clipboard. Under it, he wore a pair of dark washed jeans and a striped tee shirt.

He took a seat opposite my mom and I dropping his clipboard on his thighs.

He was in his late twenties, had dark brown hair, plain brown eyes and freckles around his cheekbones. He wore his thick rimmed glasses on the bridge of his nose and he smelt strongly of rain. On his white lab coat, there was a name tag with his name "Dr Sam Wu".

"Ma'am, we have to run some tests on her and we would need you to give your permission" he said

"What tests?" My mom asked

" I don't know how to explain this... "

"Just go straight to the point" she said

he sighed

" As you are aware, she was attacked around the western border and was injured. Her motor responses were suspended for more than 24 hours but she has recovered. However, we've received no responses from the baby and we can't be sure if he/she is alive or dead"

He paused and looked at me. His eyes were filled with pity.

"It's a he" I corrected.

He nodded, adjusted his glasses and continued.

"We have to do a full scan to check for any internal injuries and to ascertain the date of the baby".

My hands subconsciously began to shake, I felt suspiciously calm on the inside but I was tearing up on the outside. I started feeling feverish. My body had been through so much...

"What will happen if the baby is dead" I asked.

My voice came out a lot stronger than I expected. The doctor was unsettled, he hadn't expected my response.

My mom took my hand in hers and squeezed tightly.

He cleared his throat

"We'll have to perform a procedure to remove the baby" he said.

I froze and stared at him unmoving.

"Oh my goodness" my mom yelled.

What in the world was her problem. Couldn't she see I was having a mental breakdown?

I graced her with a questioning look, my irritation displayed on my face.

"The... The bed"

She pointed to my bed while speaking, and she had a look of horror I had never ever seen on her face.

It had to be something serious.

I looked at the bed and the sight of my own blood slowly soaking the bedsheets ripped my already broken hope into pieces.

I had never seen my period in the two months I'd been pregnant and I was smart enough to know what the sudden appearance of blood meant.

I instantly felt nauseous and ran into the bathroom.

I threw up continuously, tears running down my face while my mom held up my hair.

I was bleeding at the same time and it honestly was too much.

When I eventually stopped throwing up, I was extremely weak. I could barely stand on my own and needed to be helped out of the bathroom.

Every part of me ached and I felt very hollow.

I couldn't find the strength to speak. My mom watched me on the brink of tears, worry etched unto her face.

I was placed on a stretcher with wheels and taken to another room. The hospital staff were in panic.

The new room had way more lights than the previous one and had blue sheets everywhere.

I didn't feel any physical pain but my heart was completely empty.

A nurse injected me and I lost consciousness.

By the time I was awake, I was in a different room, very similar to one I had been staying in. This time however, I was connected to a lot more wires.

I was the only one in the room with the exception of my self pitying thoughts.

They had probably removed my baby already. My mom would definitely have signed the permission papers immediately in an frenzy to save my life. Facts took precedent over hope in those kind of situations.

I couldn't let go, it was impossible and seemed cruel to wish I could. I wanted the ability to hope that I was wrong but I didn't have that. I knew that if they(the doctors) had done an operation, all hope was lost.

I may have been a foolish mother but I sure as hell was loyal. I couldn't imagine a day more in this cursed world without my baby.

I felt a surge of energy within me.

I pulled out the wires connected to my hands, like all my favorite book characters had. It was freaking painful, how in the world had they managed to pull that off?

I took a deep breath and forced myself to stand on my feet. The floor felt very fluffy so I looked down. There was a velvet like white rug on the floor by the bed.

It was really pretty.

I walked to the window and tried to force it open. It didn't budge.

I tried again, it still didn't open. I sighed and started walking back to my bed.

I didn't want to give up. I had to at least persevere on something!

I turned back and marched over to the window.

I decided to try pulling the window in instead of pushing it out.

It opened on the first try and instead of feeling happy, I was depressed...

I shouldn't be doing this to my friends and family. It just wouldn't be fair to them.

I wanted to stop and return to the bed.

My body ached.

I pitied them and myself but I couldn't live without my baby.

It was either one thing or another. I hoped that they would one day forgive me for this and understand my decision even just a little.

I took in a deep breath and pulled my body to fully rest on the window. I looked down.

The hospital had many floors and I was way above ground level.

I had a chronic fear of heights so it was definitely the most terrifying thing I'd ever seen.

I took a deep breath, let go and released myself to the force of gravity.

I was falling pretty quickly. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. It was like time had slowed.

"Are you crazy" my wolf yelled.

She was finally making her appearance after weeks.

Yes! It was fine, we'll die together.

I opened my eyes and saw the ground increasingly coming closer.

A few feet or more remained for me to take my place on the ground.

I shut my eyes tightly .

In that very moment, I felt movement in my stomach. My eyes snapped open.

I concluded that it was just my imagination and closed them back again.

I felt it again, stronger than before.

It was a kick...

And it was coming from my belly?

oh no! I had made a grave mistake.