16. The Queen And I
"All love is sweet,
given or received."
-Percy Shelley
I sat there, my arms squirming on my lap out of sheer awkwardness. I could feel Queen Charlotte's intense stare locked onto me; she was practically burning a hole in between my eyes. It took some time but eventually I summoned up the courage to meet her harsh gaze. While I was meek and timid, she was erect and very forthright. She wasn't smiling, but her expression wasn't one of contempt. At least not yet….
Her lips parted, making that smacking sound. "I take it you are unhappy, Miss Bridgerton." "Oh… Oh no! No, of course not, your majesty. I just…" "Don't lie to me, girl; you've done plenty enough of that tonight," she cut me off, causing my eyes to widen in alarm. Wait, she couldn't be referring to Cressida's dress, could she? But no…. that's impossible! I came straight to the parlour she was in moments afterward. It only could be….. Could Lady Featherington have said anything? But I was only gone for a second; when would she have had the time? I didn't understand what her majesty meant by that just now, though she was not wrong per se….. Not wanting to fall into any traps, I shut my mouth and patiently waited for her to speak next. The queen looked like she had a lot to say anyway.
"You're the first person who is not one of my own children to weep in my presence. You must be crying for some reason, and that's why I took you to be unhappy," Queen Charlotte relayed matter-of-factly. Sensing that she was on the lookout for a lie from me, I decided to keep my mouth shut in response; I simply looked back at her instead. Our eyes lingered on each other's for a moment before her shoulders slightly relaxed. "So why are you unhappy, Miss Bridgerton?"
I weighted my options very, very carefully in that instant. A part of me was compelled to tell her the truth and get it off my chest, but I knew there was more than mine or Mary's reputation at sake here. One wrong word and it was the end of the good Bridgerton family name as we know it. Mulling over it only made me more stressed. My cheeks soon paled, and my heartrate increased rapidly again. The queen must have noticed my change in demeanour as she rolled her eyes and gave her hand a flippant wave in the air.
"Oh, calm down, girl. This is not a court of law; I'm not interrogating you. Here, take a few deep breathes- you'll make yourself sick if you keep up all this worry. There, good; calm down, calm down," I was shocked as her majesty was now tending to me as if I was in need of her like a nurse. I have no idea how, but somehow it worked; the woman I was most afraid of in Britain managed to calm me down. Well, enough that my heart wasn't racing a mile a minute anymore anyway. It then hit me that she wasn't just a queen… Queen Charlotte was also a wife to King George, and a mother of fifteen children. Fifteen children- wow. She must really love her husband…
As my breathing slowed, she leaned back in her chair a bit, sensing the danger was over, I'm sure. "Is this about the duke? Are you anxious about your engagement?" "N-No, your majesty," I sputtered quietly. "You're displeased with the match, then?" "Yes…. No! No, not exactly." The queen rolled her eyes somewhat impatiently again, huffing. "Well, spit it out, girl. What caused you to put on such a scene back in my drawing room?"
Realizing that she wanted a real, direct answer, I sucked in a deep breath. Our gazes met again. Maybe I should just tell her? I need to say something. She's right; it's bizarre that a lady would break down in front of her like that; good British ladies cried behind closed doors, never out in public….. My hands balled into nervous fists on my knees a second time as I peered down at them hesitantly. My mouth opened a sliver…..
"Your majesty, do you remember a courtier by the name of Mary Godwin?" God, I was so scared to ask her this….. The queen's eyes flew off to the side for a second in genuine recollection. That name didn't immediately ring a bell to her, which I guess was a good sign. "Godwin….. Godwin… That name does sound familiar." "Maybe her mother's name is more well-known: one Mary Wollstonecraft," I said this, and the queen's eyes instantly hardened in remembrance and disgust. There was now a prominent frown on her face; her arm fell to the side rail of the chair.
"You're not talking about THAT Mary, are you? The girl who eloped to Switzerland with that poet?" So she does remembers Mary….. All words in my throat stilled for a minute and I contemplated what to say next. I had to proceed carefully with the conversation going forward. "Y-Yes, your highness. I've recently received a letter from Mary Shelley and…" "Mary Shelley?! So she did marry Mr. Shelley behind my back, did she?" There was a hint of anger in the queen's tone, making me internally wince. "I assure you, she never meant to insult you, your majesty. I know Mary and…"
The queen interrupted me again with a snort. "Didn't mean to insult me? What would you call breaking off an engagement and eloping without the Regent's or my permission then, Miss Bridgerton? Where's the respect or obedience in that?" "T-There is none! I-I'm not defending what she did, your highness, but….. but Mary's my friend. I want to help her however I can." Of course her eyes had to roll in a bemused manner; her head gave a little shake. "You need to keep better company, girl. First that ridiculous excuse of an author, Miss Austen, and Mrs. Wollstonecraft. You have no business writing to ladies like that; they'll only fill your mind with hopes and fantasies." "Your majesty….." My mouth fell open in despair.
The queen watched me momentarily before softening her expression once more. "You haven't answered my question yet. Why were you crying in my drawing room?" Her tone was gentler now, which caught me off guard. My lips flapped for a second. "B-Because….. Because I feel sorry for Mary. If she and Mr. Shelley do come back to Britain, they'll have to go into hiding." "Well they should have thought about that before they eloped," she waved her hand again. But I was growing a tad more confident; how or from where, I don't know. It was just there…. Whenever I thought of Mary.
My back straightened a little. "I didn't say that her eloping was the right thing to do…. But I understand why she did it." "Oh?" The queen's eyebrow raised. I looked her straight in the eye just then. "She loved him, and he loved her. That was enough…. for them." Her highness's gloved finger ran across her lips in a mediative fashion. Her gaze narrowed onto me. "You certainly seem to know a lot about their situation. Tell me, Miss Bridgerton, are you aware of Mr. and Mrs. Shelley's whereabouts now?" She asked me this and it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I suppose she was able to read that on my face as this clever, mocking grin passed over her lips. "So you do know….." Oh god, I've got to take control of the situation, lest I ruin Mary and Mr. Shelley's lives- well, even more than it was. Both my hands clenched into terrified fists. The queen's stare and mine glued onto each other's.
"Your majesty, I will never ask you for anything ever again. I have no right to ask you now! I'm fully aware of that. And yet….. I beg you, let Mary and Mr. Shelley return to court. Give them your pardon…. Please," I moulded my hands together to be in a begging position. The queen looked at me silently for a long, long minute; her forefinger resting over her lips judgementally. Eventually her hand lowered to reveal a gentler face. "Why are you willing to risk so much for a girl you haven't seen in years?" Was her question to me. This one wasn't hard to answer. "Because she needs me to. Because she's my friend, and I care about her. I only want the best for Mary. Her, and Mr. Shelley, and Jane Austen….. It doesn't matter that we haven't seen each other since childhood. We ladies must support one another…. where the laws men have put in place fail to." The queen eyed me for another minute, humming to herself. "But many women are not so kind to you. Several of my courtiers would never do for you what you are doing for Mary." "I know that, but true kindness is given without condition. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted… even if it is not reciprocated.
My parents taught me that."
The queen and I looked at one another for quite some time. It was like she was studying my face, only genuinely relaxing once she realized that I was genuine. She leaned back in her chair yet again, letting her arms rest at her sides casually. "Do you know why I picked you to be the diamond of the first water this Season, Miss Bridgerton? It's because I immediately saw something in you. There's your beauty, yes; but there's something else, something more…. You speak with such sincerity, and no other lady at court in her right mind would just ask me to do what you have." "Your majesty….." I began but she stopped me. "You're either very brave, or very stupid. I'm choosing to believe it's the former; you stuck your neck out for your friend. I admire that," she flattered me, and I glanced down. My cheeks blushed a tad pink in alarm and thrill. Only then did she give me the faintest hint of a grin. "I can't promise anything, but I will consider Mr. and Mrs. Shelley's position. You've presented it to me; now leave it with me, Miss Bridgerton." "I will. Thank you, your highness. You have no idea what this means to me," I breathed a heavy sigh in relief, and she finally let herself smile. Her hand drew up so her cheek could rest on the side of it.
"There. Are you happy now?" "Yes, very much so, your majesty." "Hmmmmmm, why am I not inclined to believe you?" The queen hummed, surprising me suddenly. My body perked up in dismay. "Oh, but I am! What more could I ask for? I feel so indebted to you already." Her head shook a little. "You did what you felt was the right thing to do. Your happiness was an afterthought. Tell me, girl; why else are you displeased? What do YOU want?" "What do I want….? Oh, that doesn't matter, your highness. What I want is of little consequence," I said with sincerity. "You think so?" Her eyebrow lifted a second time, causing me to waver on my stance. I stared back at her, my closed slowly raising up to my fluttering chest. "Your highness…"
The queen's head tilted upwards slightly toward the ceiling. "You must believe in love at least to some degree, what to stay loyal to Mrs. Shelley after she eloped with that poet." "Love….? But I never said anything about….." "Oh stop, girl. I can see it on your face clear as day. You're a romantic….. much like myself," she added on as if speaking more to herself than to me. Her eyes wandered out a little for a moment. I waited for her to continue, actually leaning forward a tad. My hands clasped together on my lap in eagerness to hear what she would say next.
This sort of ironic grin blossomed across her lips, though she wasn't looking at me just then. "I'm no stranger to arranged marriages myself. Mine was one, after all….." Her grin began to fade here. "I swore I'd never let my daughters suffer the fate as the other women in family back in Mecklenburg-Strelitz." "You come from an illustrious family, your majesty!" I supported but she shook her head in defiance. "I've seen the horrors of a bad marriage- more than once. I won't risk any of my daughters having the same fate. There is nothing so terrible….. as a loveless marriage," she muttered bitterly under her breath. "B-But your marriage….. The king….. Surely you must be…." "I was lucky, Miss Bridgerton, but George and I are most certainly the exception, not the rule. I assure you." Seeing what she meant, my eyes lowered mildly. "Yes," I found myself agreeing in disappointment. Her gaze wandered back over onto me curiously.
"You desire love for yourself as well?" "I….. Yes, your highness. I do….." My own eyes lowered with gentleness. Her finger ran over her lip ponderingly once more. "You don't believe you shall have that with Lord Hastings?" "Uh, well…..N-No. He's made it quite clear that he does not wish this marriage to happen. W-We will get married! But…. But I doubt any sort of love will blossom between us." "Can you see yourself ever befriending the duke?" The queen inquired. I thought about it for a moment. "I don't believe so, your majesty. We're just…. too different. He wants lovers and freedom; I want love and devotion. We cannot possibly make the other happy, even as friends. If we can get to the point where we tolerate one another….. I will take that as a great success," I grinned sadly but earnestly. The queen watched me another moment, clearly thinking to herself on the matter.
"I never was one for this senseless British custom of coupling young strangers up. Yet I did my duty as queen and made the matches. It would be a personal slight to me if you were break off your engagement now." "Yes, your majesty," my eyes lowered in despair. She waited a moment before continuing. "However…. If an offer was made by someone higher in rank and who wasn't of British decent of course, it would be socially acceptable for you to choose the better match- with your fiancé's and my permission, that is."
My eyes shot wide open, my jaw dropped. My head slowly turned back fully towards hers. "Y-You mean….. You mean a different engagement?" For the first time she smiled at me. "You seem to have a high opinion of my family back in Germany. Have you ever heard of his majesty, Prince Friedrich of Prussia?" "O-Of course! He's your nephew and younger brother to the heir of Prussia," I blinked bewildered. She nodded. "His father- my brother- has been shipping his sons all about Europe until that nasty business with Napoleon is finally over. But we need not talk about that now. Friedrich has always been of a romantic disposition himself, and he has something Lord Hastings lacks….. besides the princely title." "What's that?" I asked. Her grinned twisted into a knowing, almost teasing half-smirk as her eyes locked onto mine. "A spotless reputation." "Your majesty!" I gasped, covering my mouth.
"Invite your father to dine with us when we are scheduled to. I'll have Lady Danbury make sure to bring your fiancé along too." "You are serious, your majesty…?" My mouth hung open. She nodded her head ever so kindly. "I like you, Miss Bridgerton. I admit, I have my own motives for proposing the match since his father has requested my Elizabeth's hand in marriage; I'd like to get his attention off of her. But if I can save you from a poor match in the process, I'd be more than happy to oblige." "Oh, your majesty….." I almost had tears falling down my cheeks. She gave me one firm glance. "Mind you, don't say anything to anyone before the dinner- not even to your father or fiancé. Keep quiet about my intentions, and I'll see what I can do about the Shelleys." "Yes, your highness! I give you my word," I nodded quickly. "Now bear in mind, Miss Bridgerton, that you'll need your fiancé's consent to break off the engagement and marry another man." "Oh, I'm not worried about that, your majesty; the duke will give me his permission." "You're so sure?" She questioned and I nodded a second time. "Yes; oh yes. He won't stand in my way." The memory of the Spaniard grabbing my hand flooded through my mind, suddenly making me smile brightly. "Lord Hastings has never once taken hold of my hand.
He will have no problem letting it go."