Men in Black (Part 1)

(Open POV)

New York…

A small bug flies around before being swallowed by a dragonfly, which then flies around a desert landscape, through and in-between various vehicles, eventually right into the windshield of a truck.

"Goddamn bugs…" The truck driver said, annoyed.

The back of the van has seven illegal immigrants waiting. The driver squirts some wiper fluid onto the glass, which clears it up a bit, and then sees something worse up ahead. Headlights, eight of them, all pointed at him, sealing off the road.

The driver bites his lip and calls over his shoulder, to the back of the van, "Oh shit! Silencio! Deja me hablar. Oh crap!"

The van slows to a stop in front of the parked cars, all government-issue four doors with 'INS' stenciled on the sides. Seven or eight INS agents stand in front of the cars imposingly. Their apparent leader steps forward and comes to the window. The driver rolls it down.

Agent Janus, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, also government issue, looks at him and sighs, "Well. Nick the Dick. What a surprise. Where you comin' from, Nick?"

"Fishing in Cuernavaca." Nick said.

"Sure you were. What do you say we have a look at your catch, huh?" Agent Janus asked, opening the door. "Come on."

The Agents fling open the rear doors, revealing a dozen Mexicans, hopeful immigrants without official permission. Agent Janus looks at the Driver, who's now held by two other Agents, and shakes his head.

"Me, I woulda thrown 'em back." Agent Janus said, taking to the passengers, in Spanish. "Vamanos. Fuera. Hagan una lina!" 'Let's go. Out. Form a line!' They pile out of the van. "What do you get, Nick? Hundred bucks a head? Two hundred? I hope you saved it all for your lawyer, my friend, 'cause you're gonna need it."

Another car, a Ford, pulls up. Two men get out, dressed in plain black suits, crisp white shirts, simple black ties, shiny black shoes. K, fiftyish, is the apotheosis of world-weary; his partner, D, mid-sixties, is just weary. They approach the INS agents.

"We'll take it from here." K said.

"Who the hell are you?" Agent Janus asked.

K and D flash some form of ID.

"INS Division 6." K said.

"Division 6? I never heard of Division 6." Agent Janus said.

"Really?" K asked, while he and D move past him and approach the row of nervous immigrants. "Who you got your money on, D?"

"Tough call, K." D said, walking down the row, studying the faces, greeting each one cheerily.

"!Oi! Que pasa, coma estas? Hey!" K yelled. 'What's up, how are you?' "Abuela, no se preocupe, . Bienvenida a los Estados Unidos." Don't worry grandma. Welcome to the United States.' "A donde vas? Nogales? Buscando trabajo, no? Tu, lo mismo?" 'Where are you going? Nogales? Looking for work? You too?' "Y tu? Es un placer verle aqui." 'And you? The same?'

One by one, their faces relax, reassured by Kay's calm demeanor. When he reaches the fifth Guy, a man dressed in a cloak; he keeps the same cheery tone, but.

"Y tu?" K asked. 'And you?' "Que dices si te rompo la cara?" 'What if I break your face?'

The Guy smiles and nods. Kay stops. His own smile broadens and he drops a hand on the Guy's shoulder.

"Es muy feo, no? Y no hablas ni una palabra del Español!" K said, angrily. 'You're very ugly, no? You don't speak a word of Spanish!'

Again, the Guy smiles and nods. K looks back at D.

"We got a winner here, Dee." K said, looking at the others. "El resto de ustedes pueden irse." 'The rest of you can leave!'

"No se mueven!" Agent Janus yelled. 'Don't move!'

"Sube al camión y vete." K said. 'Get in the truck and leave.'

"Sir! Sir, you can't just…" Agent Janus said, sadly.

"Don't 'Sir' me, young man. You have no idea who you're dealing with. "¡Entra en el camión ahora mismo!" K yelled. 'Get in the truck right now!' The cloaked man tries to leave as well, but K stops him. "We're gonna have a little chat with our friend here. You fellas can hit the road ... and keep on protecting us from dangerous aliens."

K and D escort their captive across the road and over a small rise, leaving the stunned INS agents standing alone in the roadway.

"You ever heard of Division 6?" Agent Janus asked.

"There is no Division 6. This is bullshit." The 2nd INS agent said.

"Hell, yeah."

"Looks like you fell off the bus in the wrong part of town, amigo." K said, while he and D lead their unknown traveler into a field. "In fact, I'll bet dollars to pesos that you're not from anywhere near here." He pulls out a knife, and cuts the man's poncho. The man's clothes fall to the ground, revealing what he really is underneath -- an amphibian/reptile with two independent eyes and he also appeared to have a shell on his back, which had six small arms and hands. The only part of his camouflage not crumpled to the ground is the humanesque 'head', which he still lamely holds in one of his hands. It's propped up by a stick, like a puppet, and it continues to make expressions as he holds it. "Mikey?!" Mikey replies -- an unfathomable combination of grunts, squeaks, and saliva. "Mikey, when did they let you out of jail?" Mikey replies. "Political refugee. Right."

"You know how many treaties articles you've just violated?" D asked.

Mikey grunts in response.

"One?" K asked.

"Try seven." D said.

Mikey continues to talk.

"That's enough, Mikey. Hand me that head." K said, and Mikey delivers the head prop. "Put up your arms and all your flippers." As Mike continues to talk, Janus is climbing a hill behind them. He lets out a horrified gasp. One of the alien's eyes, on a tall stalk, whips around. All three of them see Agent Janus, standing just over the rise, staring in frozen amazement. As the eye returns to place.. "Ah, shit." Mikey gets mad and changes into an angry stance, with all his flippers shaking, and gets very mad. He knocks D out of the way, and takes off straight at Janus, roaring, snarling, and growling as Janus screams. "D! Shoot him!" D struggles to roll over and change the controls on his gun, which fell out of his hand as he hit the ground. "D!"

Frustrated, K drops the head, puts his hand inside his jacket, and pulls out his own gun. Mikey keeps moving, covering the last few yards to Janus quickly. K points his gun directly at Mikey, who leaps straight at Janus; just before reaching the frightened agent, he disintegrates into blue goo that splatters all over the ground, the trees, and Agent Janus' face. Behind where Mikey was, K stands, smoking weapon in hand, and sighs.

Agent Janus, shaken by what just happened, he stammers as he approaches K, "Th -- th -- th…"

"'That'." K said.

"That wa -- wa -- wa …" Agent Janus said.

"Was not human, I know. Oops. Looks like you got some entrails on you there, pal." K said, sadly.

The other INS come over the hill.

"What the hell?!" The INS agent exclaimed.

The INS agents brandish their guns and run down to the scene.

"The situation's under control. Calm down please. Give me your attention for a moment. I'll be glad to tell you what happened." K said, while on the other side of the hill, a black truck pulls up, and several other men dressed in black suits exit the vehicle. K reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tubular metallic device the size of a pocket recorder. "This is called a 'neuralyzer'. It's a gift from some friends from out of town. The red eye here will isolate the electronic impulses in your brain. More specifically, the ones for memory." Behind him, the other men come over the hill. K barks a few orders to them. "That's good, fellas, give me a splay burn around the perimeter with holes on the perimeter, please; holes at 40, 60, and 80 meters. Right here!" The men use flamethrowers to incinerate Mikey's remains throughout the hilltop. The Men in Black are now using fire extinguishers to douse the flames they themselves started. "That's good. Thank you!"

"What the hell is going on?" The 2nd INS agent asked.

K moves the dials on the Neuralyzer's back.

"Excellent question, and the answer you're looking for lies right here." K said, pointing at the red light.

"Who are you, really?" Janus asked.

"Really?" K asked, putting on sunglasses. "I'm just a figment of your imagination." He holds up the neuralyzer. The Agents peer closely at it. K pushes a button on the side of the neuralyzer. A blinding flash a tenth of a second long sears the Agents' eyeballs. They stare blankly. "Damn, what a gullible breed." K looks back at the INS Agents, who are just coming around, as if awakening from a concussion. "I'm serious, fellas, you are lucky to be alive after a blast like that."

The INS Agents look around, confused.

"What blast?" Agent Janus asked.

"Underground gas vein, genius. You guys need to exercise more caution before discharging your firearms. I'll tell you that right now." K said, jabbing a finger into Janus' chest. "Especially you. Have yourselves checked out with EMS on the other side of the hill before you leave."

The INS agents turn and walk away. D has moved away from them all and is sitting on a rock, staring up at the night sky, his sunglasses dangling idly from one hand. K steps away from the group and finds him. He sits down next to him.

"I'm sorry. About...back there." D said, letting out a sigh.

"Happens." K said.

"Didn't used to." D said, as he holds up his hands, which tremble with age. "The spirit's willing, Kay, but the rest of me…" He looks up, at the million stars shining overhead. "They're beautiful, aren't they?"

"What?" K asked.

"The stars. We never just look anymore."

"No."

"I'll tell ya, K. I will miss the chase."

Kay puts on the sunglasses, pulls his neuralyzer from his pocket and looks down at it as he turns it towards D, "No, D. You won't."

New York City…

A NYPD officer by the name of James Edwards, and two other police officers are running along a bridge.

"Freeze! N.Y.P.D., freeze!" Edwards yelled, while he is chasing after an unknown man, known as the Perp. Behind Edwards, the other two cops, out of breath, stop, unable to continue chasing after the Perp.

"All yours, Edwards!" A cop said, angrily.

"Freeze means stop! Yo! Whoa!" Edwards said, as the Perp climbs on the guard rail; just as Edwards is about to reach him, he jumps down onto the street below, much to Edwards' shock. "What the hell?" He looks down to see the Perp running away; he glances the other way to see a double decker bus going under the bridge on the other side, and plans his move carefully as he climbs onto the guard rail. "All right. Ah, come on!" Edwards jumps of the bridge, landing right on the upper level of the bus; the passengers react with shock upon seeing him land in between them. "It just be raining black people in New York." He runs down to the lower level and off the bus; as he runs in the direction the bus is going, he immediately remembers the Perp went the other way, and runs right for a New York Times truck and grabs onto the back; the Perp is running along the street; Edwards continues riding on the truck until he sees the Perp; he immediately jumps off and charges at him, bumping him into a wall, where he grabs him. "Do you see this? N.Y.P.D.! It means I will knock your punk-ass down!"

"He's coming! He's coming!" The Perp said, worried.

"Yeah, and when he gets here, I'll arrest his ass too." Edwards said, and the Perp pulls a peculiar-looking high-tech gun, which Edwards knocks to the ground, where it disintegrates. "Oh, you're trying to catch a beat-down, huh?!" He tries to push the Perp against the wall, but he flips in midair and flees from Edwards again towards a massive building, the Guggenheim Museum, across the street; Edwards chases after him, gun drawn; much to his surprise, the Perp leaps high into the air onto one of the upper floors; he watches as the Perp climbs to another floor; as the Perp climbs up onto the building, Edwards runs to the building's main entrance; unfortunately, the door is locked, forcing Edwards to use his gun to open it by shattering the glass; entering the building, he runs as fast as he can from floor to floor, while the Perp is trying to find a way out; the first two doors are locked; he then discovers a third door, which is open; opening the door, he comes face-to-face with Edwards again. "What's up?"

"He's coming. He's coming because I failed, and now he'll kill me, too." The Perp said, sadly.

"Yeah, well. You're just pissing everybody off today, huh?" Edwards asked.

"You don't understand." The Perp said, smiling devilishly. "Your world's gonna end."

The Perp's eyes suddenly blink horizontally.

"What the hell are you?" Edwards asked, realizing the man is not human. The Perp smiles while walking backwards towards the edge. "Hey. Watch that ledge. Watch the ledge!" The Perp backs up onto the edge. "Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it." The Perp stretches his arms out. "Look, wait a minute. Let me talk to you! Hey! Hey!"

The Perp falls backwards off the edge, screaming, to the ground; Edwards runs to the edge and looks down as the Perp's body hits the ground.

Farm in upstate New York…

A green Chevy truck sits next to a tree, near a grazing cow, yards away from a house. Inside the house, the farmer, , is sitting down to dinner; a small mysterious object moves through the starry sky above.

"I go out, I work my butt off to make a living." Edgar said, ranting at his wife, Beatrice. "All I want is to come home to a nice, clean house, with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this." The object in the sky moves closer, getting bigger. "It looks like poison." Beatrice is about to take the plate away. "Don't you take that away. I'm eating that! Damn it! It is poison, isn't it? I swear to god, I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog been hit too much or ain't been hit enough. I can't make up my mind!" The object in the sky turns into what looks like a fireball, the cow slowly walks out of the way. "You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck."

The fiery object slams right into Edgar's Chevy, breaking it in half and leaving a crater in the ground; Edgar promptly goes to the front door, armed with a rifle, opens it and looks at the burning remains of his truck.

"Figures." Edgar said, walking walks toward the crater left by the unknown object that crashed into his truck.

Beatrice slowly opens the front door and stands in the doorway, "What the heck is it, Edgar?"

"Get your big butt back in the house." Edgar said, turning around to face Beatrice and points at her.

Disgusted, Beatrice walks back inside and closes the door; Edgar turns back towards the crater and approaches it once more. As he reaches the edge of the crater, an ominous, inhuman voice speaks to him.

"Place projectile weapon on the ground." An inhuman voice said.

"You can have my gun…" Edgar said, loading his rifle. "…when you pry it from my cold dead fingers."

"Your proposal is acceptable."

A long arm reaches out, grabs Edgar by the head and pulls him into the crater; the dark shape of what looks like a massive, insect-like monster is seen. The sounds of ripping flesh and Edgar screaming are heard; Edgar's body is thrown out, then pulled back in as hissing and slurping sounds are heard. Seconds later, Edgar climbs out of the pit, turns his head side to side, and walks to his house. Inside, Beatrice is sitting silently at the table when she hears his footsteps; Edgar fumbles with the door before finding the handle and opening the door, then walking inside.

"Edgar, what on earth was that?" Beatrice asked, standing up as Edgar approached her.

"Sugar." Edgar said.

"I've never seen sugar do that." Beatrice said.

"Give me sugar." Edgar said, approaching Beatrice and speaks more firmly. Beatrice picks up a bowl of sugar and holds it out to him. "In water." Beatrice picks up a glass of water on the table and spoons some sugar into it before offering it to him. "More." Beatrice pours sugar from the bowl into the glass. "More."

Beatrice pours a bigger amount into the glass; Edgar grunts, clearly saying 'More than that'.; she pours a huge amount into the glass before setting the bowl back on the table. Edgar takes the glass and drinks the sugar-filled water.

"Edgar, your skin is hanging off your bones." Beatrice said, looking at a mirror to her right.

Edgar looks in the mirror as well and sees that Beatrice's right.

"Oh, yeah." Edgar asked, facing Beatrice again, then grabs the top of head and pulls his skin up. "There. Is that better?"

Horrified, Beatrice falls backwards to the floor and faints; Edgar then walks out of the house. Outside, the cow watches as Edgar rolls the object that crashed into his truck out of the crater; the object turns out to be an alien spaceship.

(Jared's POV)

Interrogation room…

Edwards sits on one side of the table, a police inspector and a uniformed sergeant (the one who gave up the chase earlier), sit across from him.

"Perpetrator then blinked two sets of eyelids. You mean blinked with both eyes?" The inspector asked.

"No, sir. He blinked once with one set, then again with another completely different set." Edwards said.

"You mean like high beams and low beams." The sergeant said.

"Was that before or after he drew the weapon which you claim evaporated into a million pieces?" The inspector asked.

"After, sir." Edwards said.

"And why do you suppose none of the other officers saw either of these two events?"

"'Cause some of the other officers are a little soggy in the midsection. And they couldn't keep up, sir."

"Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am…" The sergeant said.

"What do you mean? I am half the man you are." Edwards said, scoffing.

"What the hell is your problem?"

"My problem is you being all up in my damn face all the time."

"I think he threw him off the roof."

"Maybe you're next."

"Sergeant. I want to talk to you outside. Now." The inspector said, cutting off the Sergeant.

"Ten minutes -- take your best shot." The sergeant said.

"Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard." Edwards said.

A woman sneaks into the room. Doctor , thirtyish, dark-haired, dark-eyed, general aura of darkness around her, stands above him. Laurel looks like she was just dragged out of bed (which she was) and saw a spaceman (which she did). She looks over her shoulder once, then whispers to him.

"I believe you." Laurel said, extending her hand, Edwards shakes it. "Laurel Weaver. Deputy Medical Examiner. Find me at the morgue on 26th. I'll tell you what I found."

"Hey...Wait a minute. Wait a minute." Edwards said, turning around, but she's already in the corridor behind the room, but comes face-to-face with Agent K and I, who remain in shadow.

"You're Dr. Weaver, from the coroner's office? Working on the John Doe?" K asked.

"Yes. That's right." Laurel said, happily.

"Would you look right here, please." K said, happily.

A red flash hits Laurel, who keeps still on the hallway. K and I stepped into the room.

"Okay." I said, closing the door behind K and I, before going over to the security camera and disabling it with an electrical shock. "That was some night you had."

"Oh, yeah, some night." Edwards said, scoffing.

"Just so you know. They were gills. Not eyelids. Gills, like the one you see on a fish." I said, walking over to Edwards and K. "Not from the planet Saturnyn. I encountered that species once a long time ago. He was out of breath too."

"Who are you two?" Edwards asked, looking between K and I.

"Did he say anything to you?" K asked.

"Yeah, sure. He said the world was coming to an end."

"Did he say when?" K asked, getting silence, as Edwards stares in disbelief. "Would you recognize his weapon if you saw it again?"

"Absolutely." Edwards said, smirking.

"Let's take a ride." K said.

"Wait a minute. I got a ton of paperwork." Edwards said, at a loss for words.

"It's all done." K said, and at that point, the Inspector appears with a folder, smiles and gives Edwards the thumbs up.

"Good work, Edwards." The inspector said.

Edwards looks at the Inspector, then at K and I.

"You ran this guy down on foot? That's tough, kid. That's double tough." K said, as we leave.

New York City…

"So, who exactly are you both with? F.B.I? N.S.A.?" Edwards asked, as he, K, and I drove down the street.

"I'm part of a bureau that licenses, monitors and polices alien activity on the planet Earth." K said.

"I'm part of an organization that is outside the government and beyond the police." I said, sadly.

"Yeah, whatever." Edwards said.

K pulls the car to a stop.

"We're here!" I cheered, opening the door and getting out of the car.

Kay opens the door and gets out of the car.

Edwards follows, "This is where we're going?"

"Yeah." I said, clutching the strap of my sling bag.

"This is Jack Jeebs' spot. He buys from chain snatchers. He doesn't even sell guns." Edwards said.

"Really?" K asked.

"All right, look. I'll slide in and put my thing down. But when I come out I want some real answers."

"Okay. You can put down your gun." I said, looking down at the ground.

Pawn Shop…

Jack Jeebs, the sleazy, sarcastic proprietor of the Pawn Shop, sits behind the counter.

"Officer Eduardo. How did these get here? I thought I turned them in to the proper authorities." Jeebs said, looking at Edwards.

"The way I hear it, Jeebs, you're into something a little hotter than some stolen Rolexes." Edwards said.

"I'm a huge crack dealer now, but I work here as I love the hours."

"I'm talking about guns, smart ass. Weird ones."

"Come on, Edwards. What you see is what I got."

K and I enter the store; at the sight of him, Jeebs grows nervous.

"Jeebs. You don't have all night." I said, an electrical shock coming out of my body. "Why don't you show Officer Edwards the imports?"

"Hiya, K, Jared. How are you?" Jeebs asked, looking between K and I.

"Show him the imports right now." K said.

"I got out of that business a long time ago."

"K. He's lying." I said, another electrical shock coming out of my body.

"Thank you for telling me, Jared. Why do you lie to me, Jeebs? I hate it when you lie." K said.

"Just hold on a second." Jeebs said, sadly.

"I'm gonna count to three." K said, drawing his weapon and pointing at Jeebs.

"They'll do it, Jeebs." Edwards said.

"One…"

"Those men does not look stable."

"Two…"

"They're crazy when they're like this."

"They're always crazy. Why don't you get a massage, take a cruise…?" Jeebs asked, looking between K and I.

"I've had enough of this." I said, pointing an electrical shock at Jeebs' head, causing it to explode into green goo. "And three."

"Drop the weapon and put your hands on your head!" Edwards yelled, drew his own gun and pointed it at me.

"I warned him. It was either I shoot him or Jared electrocutes him." K said, frowning.

"Drop the weapon!" Edwards said, angrily.

"You did warn him, Officer Edwards." I said, crossing my arms.

"Don't make me kill you."

"You insensitive pricks!" Jeebs said, in an angry high-pitched voice as Kay and I turned toward him. Edwards turns to see Jeebs' body, growing another head. "Do you have any idea how much that stings?"

"Show us the merchandise or you're gonna lose another head, Jeebs." K said, while Jeebs nervously hits a button on the underside of the counter, causing the nearby portraits to flip, revealing bizarre, otherworldly weapons of all shapes and sizes. "Mr. Edwards?"

Edwards, still astounded by Jeebs regrowing his head, he glances at the weapons, then points at one of them, which he recognizes from his earlier scuffle, "Right there. The one in the middle."

"You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephlapoid! Jeebs, you piece of…" K said, glaring at Jeebs.

"He looked all right to me." Jeebs said.

"It must have been for an assassination. Who's the target?"

"You know, I don't know."

"Damn it, Jeebs!" I yelled, as electrical shocks came out of my body, causing a power outage in the shop in fury. "Just tell K who it was already! You know I can't tell him because of spoilers."

"I don't know!" Jeebs said, worried.

"Jared's right, he can't tell us, because him telling us would change the future." K said, lowering his gun and points at the collection of weapons. "All right, let's confiscate all of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock... or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back."

K turns his gun off and walks out of the store with me.

"And I'm going to be back to talk about them Rolexes." Edwards said, following K and I out of the store.

"Searching for a handle on the moment here?" K said, as Edwards is coping with what he's seen recently. "We can't help you, kid." He pulls the sunglasses from his pocket and puts them on as I clutched the strap of my sling bag. "Only comfort we can offer is our promise that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing."

"That's not exactly some shit you just forget." Edwards said, frowning.

"Ever see one of these?" K asked, showing the Neuralyzer to Edwards.

Chinese Restaurant…

A couple hours have passed, and K, Edwards, and I are eating dinner.

"…and the wife says 'yeah, Harry, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn'!" K said, bursting out laughing.

"Didn't the wife try and slap you afterwards?" I asked, laughing with K.

Edwards, across from us, is completely disoriented. He looks down. There's a half-eaten order of broccoli beef, a half eaten order of dumplings, several empty bottles of beer, and several cans of coke, on the table in front of him.

K checks his watch, "Whoops. Gotta run with Jared. Thanks for the egg rolls."

"And thanks for the sesame balls." I said, smiling.

"Where am I?" Edwards asked.

"See what we mean about tequila? You're a bright young man, James. Just lay off the sauce. We'll see you bright and early, 9:00. Be there, or be square." K said, giving a business card to Edwards before leaving the restaurant with me. "Now why haven't you gone shopping with Ruby Rose and Yang Xiao Long?"

"I was busy." I said, looking over at K. "I didn't expect the TARDIS to make me jump to Hogwarts after getting boba with Ruby and Yang!"

Edward sees the card, it's just three little letters, dead in the middle of the card: 'MiB'. Edwards looks at it, puzzled. He turns the card over and sees '504 Battery Drive'."

(Open POV)

Edgar's farm…

A pest control van, reading 'Zap Em', pulls up. The barn door opens, spilling sunlight on an abundance of cockroaches, crawling everywhere -- big ones, small ones, hundreds of them have moved in and taken over this dusty place. An exterminator steps inside, carrying a tank of toxic gas.

"Well, well, well. Movin' right in, are we? Think we own the place?" The exterminator asked, unfurling a hose from the side of the tank; Edgar appears. "Got a little eviction notice for you, boys."

"Just what exactly do you think you're doing?" Edgar asked.

"Takin' care of your pest problem." The exterminator said, turning to face Edgar.

"'Pest' problem? 'Pest'?!" Edgar exclaimed.

"Yeah. You got a hell of an infestation."

"You know, I have noticed an infestation here." Edgar said, approaching the exterminator. "Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum. Totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives."

"Well -- yeah. Don't you want to get rid of 'em?" The exterminator asked.

"In the worst way." Edgar said, grabbing the exterminator by the jaw, then jams his pipe into his mouth, spewing toxic gas into it; he falls to the floor, dead.

The Zap-Em truck now has the rear door down and the ramp standing. Edgar rolls the flying saucer towards it.

Outside 504 Battery Drive..

Edwards is standing outside a building with the same address as the one on the card K and Jared gave him, then approaches the metal double doors.

504 Battery Drive…

Going through the doors, he steps into a long, bizarre room with an elevator at the far end of the room and a security guard, the rent-a-cop kind, reading a comic book on a folding metal chair halfway across. As Edwards walks through the room, the guard looks up.

"Help you?" The guard asked.

"Yeah, these dudes gave me this card the other day…" Edwards said.

"Elevator." The guard said, pointing at the elevator as he speaks, before going back to his comic book.

Edwards, maybe out of nothing more than curiosity at this point, walks across the room, toward the elevator. As he draws close, the elevator doors open. Edwards steps inside and turns around. The doors close. The elevator moves for a while as Edwards stares at the card, and then door on the other side of the elevator slide open silently behind him. Somebody clears their throat. Edwards turns around, and finds himself standing in a back room is every bit as mysterious and unfamiliar as the entryway. Standing at the front of the room is , a wire-haired career G-man, an old school bureaucrat, wearing the exact same kind of suit Kay had on last night. Six other recruits sit in egg-shaped chairs, staring at Edwards. One chair is empty.

"You're late. Sit down." Zed said, and Edwards took the remaining chair. The elevator doors slide shut. Zed continues addressing the Recruits. "My name is Zed. You're all here because you're the best of the best. Marines, Navy SEALS, Army Rangers...NYPD." They all turn and regard Edwards a little smugly. He gives it back. "And we're looking for one of you. Just one. What will follow is a series of simple tests designed to quantify motor skills, hand-eye coordination, concentration, stamina…" He notices Edwards has his hand raised. "I see we have a question."

"Why, uh -- I'm sorry, it's just no one really asked this, but -- why, exactly, are we doing this?" Edwards asked.

Silence. Then one of the young recruits eagerly raises his hand. Zed calls on him.

"Son?" Zed asked.

"Jake Jensen, West Point, graduate with honors." A recruit said, loud and formal. "We're here because you're looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!"

Edwards tries to stifle a laugh, but can't.

"What's so funny, Edwards?" Zed asked.

"Your boy, Captain America, here. 'The best of the best of the best, sir!' 'With honors'. He's just really excited, and he has no clue why we're here. That's very funny to me. Y'all ain't laughing, though." Edwards said.

"Okay. Let's get going." Zed said.

The recruits get the written test. It's a thick document -- reasoning skills, general knowledge, diagrams. Edwards is struggling to just open it: he rips through the first page, and then breaks the pencil trying to break the tape holding it together.

(Jared's POV)

Observation room…

"Are things playing out how you remember it?" K asked.

Behind the dark glass, K stands, staring, unemotional. I am standing next to K, drinking some bubble tea.

"Yeah." I said, sipping on my coconut taro bubble tea. "He reminds me of me when I was younger. When I first started traveling with the Doctor."

(Open POV)

Room…

The recruits are all struggling to get a place to write in their chairs, given no desks were provided. One even has his pencil tear through the page. Edwards looks up. In the middle of the tile floor, there is an unused table. Edwards gets up, goes to it, grabs hold and drags it, screeching deafeningly, back to his chair. Everybody looks up, wincing at the horrible sound that fills the room. Edwards sits back down, now writing on the table.

"Want to get down on this?" Edwards asked.

They stare silently.

Shooting gallery…

Seven weapons rest on a table in the middle of an otherwise empty, triangular room. A klaxon rings, and it's shown the seven recruits are in front of the table. The two far walls pull apart. The whole room starts being covered in stroboscopic lights, while an urban landscape featuring human and alien cardboard figures shows. The recruits lunge for the weapons, snapping them up and taking aim. Everyone but Edwards shoots. And then a second later, he fires. The lights come down. Then the door opens. Light pours in, and Zed with it. Even the highly competitive cadets can't help but feel some sympathy as Zed walks straight to Edwards.

"Edwards, what the hell happened?" Zed asked.

"Hesitated, sir." Edwards said, sadly.

"May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?"

"She was the only one who actually seemed dangerous. At the time."

"And how did you come to that conclusion?"

"First, I was going to pop this guy hanging from the streetlight but I realized he's just working out. How'd I feel if somebody bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand and realized he's not snarling, he's sneezing he's got tissues in his hand. Ain't no real threat there. Then I saw Tiffany. I'm thinking, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto... bunch of monsters at night with quantum physics books. She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight. Those books are way too advanced for her. If you ask me, she's up to something. Honestly, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. Or, do I owe her an apology?" Edwards asked, and Zed walks away. "That was a good shot though, right?"

(Jared's POV)

Observation room…

"He's got a real problem with authority." Zed said, joining K and I.

"So do we. But this kid ran down a cephalapoid on foot, boss. That's got to be tough enough." K said.

"It definitely is. I did a lot of running with the Doctor over the years. And there was no way I could have caught that on my first adventure." I said, sipping on my bubble tea. "I was out of shape."

"I hope you both know what you're doing." Zed said, turning and walks away.

"So, when is he going to find out?" K asked, staring through the glass, at EDWARDS, who stands alone on one side of the room, apart from the rest of the group. "About what happened."

"Not until 2012." I said, letting out a sigh. "It is only 1997."

Zed reappears on the other side of the glass, coming through a door and into the shooting gallery, "Congratulations, you're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now, if you'll just follow me, we have one more test to administer, an eye exam."

The recruits follow Zed into a long hallway; Zed motions them off to the left; Edwards walks out, but he stops as he steps into the hallway, where K and I are waiting for him.

"Hey. Officer Edwards. Where are you going?" I asked, sipping on my bubble tea.

"You two! Hey, what's goin' on?" Edwards asked, recognizing K and I from the other night.

Once Edwards approaches, K gives him a folder. The three of us start walking down the corridor.

"Back in the mid-fifties, the government started a little underfunded agency with the simple and laughable purpose of making contact with a race not of this planet." K said.

As we pass an alcove, Edwards notices the six other Recruits, who have been herded into a corner.

Zed, addressing the recruits, pulls a neuralyzer from his pocket, "Now, if you'll look directly at the end of this device."

Zed holds a neuralyzer up in front of them, and the Recruits stare obediently at it as Zed slips on a pair of black sunglasses.

Edwards then turns to the folder, and starts reading from it. As K talks and the three of us walk, Zed's neuralyzer flashes.

"Everybody thought the agency was a joke. Except the aliens. They made contact on March 2nd, 1961, outside New York City." K said.

"That was an interesting day." I said, looking over at the folder to see that it is thick with eight by ten photographs. "It was before the 456 too."

K hands Edwards the first picture, a shot of nine or ten men in plain black suits standing around a fifties-style office with metal desks and fluorescent lights... and one young man resembling young K in a plaid shirt holding a bouquet.

"There were ten of us that night. Eight agents. An amateur astronomer. A member of Torchwood, that being Jared here. And one poor kid who got lost on the wrong back road. Yet another photograph, this one showing the young man giving the tall alien the flowers." K said.

"Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers. " Edwards said, happily.

Kay and I steered Edwards to the right, down another corridor, just as long as the first.

"They were intergalactic refugees with a simple request. Let us use the earth as an apolitical zone for people without a planet. Ever see 'Casablanca'?" K asked, while Edwards replied yes. "Same thing, except no Nazis. We agreed. So we masked all evidence of their landing."

Another picture, this one of the 1964 World's Fair grounds, still under construction. Giant models of rockets mark the Fair's theme of space travel; most prominent in the construction are two tall towers, with the flying saucers now mounted at the top of each.

"So these are real flying saucers and the World's Fair was a cover-up for their landing?" Edwards asked.

"Why else would we hold it in Queens?" K asked, as we entered another hallway. "More nonhumans arrive every year. They live among us, in secret."

"Yup. Some come through a rift in time and space located in Cardiff." I said, sipping on my bubble tea. "Aliens like to frequent London, Cardiff, and New York. Ghosts also exist, but I helped bust them with the Ghostbusters back in the 80s..."

"I see. So, you were with the Ghostbusters, Jared. Not to change the subject, but when were both of your last CAT scans?" Edwards asked, looking between K and I.

"Every six months; it's company policy." K said, smirking.

"You two should make another appointment. Tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time and thank you for everything but show me the door."

We stopped next to an unmarked door. I throw it open and step inside with K.

"All right. We're going to get some coffee. You want some coffee?" K asked.

"No, thank you, I'm fine." Edwards said, sadly.

As K and I walked into the kitchenette, three worm-like aliens are standing around a water cooler. Impossibly thin, most certainly not from New York, the aliens hold an animated conversation in a language that seems like a combination of Esperanto and microphone feedback. I placed my empty cup of bubble tea into the trash can. One worm holds the coffee pot, another drinks and smokes.

"How you doing, fellas?" K asked.

"Hi K! Hi Jared!" The worms cheered.

K grabs a paper cup, approaches the one with the pot. I also grabbed a paper cup, with me standing behind K.

"That's not decaf, is it?" K asked, looking at a worm.

"Viennese cinnamon." The worm said.

"Don't tell me we've only got that powdered stuff for cream again?" K asked.

"I hate the powered stuff." I said, sadly. "Do we have the liquid one in?"

One of the Worm Aliens answers us in their native tongue and points to the counter.

"Well, that's good. Good. Good. You made Jared happy." K said, happily.

K and I found the cream sitting out on the counter where the alien indicated, with the two of us dumping some in our respective coffees.

"Are you guys getting along well?" I asked, as the worms replied in their language. "Please don't work too hard. I hate it when you three stress yourselves out."

K and I came back outside, with my friend closing the door behind us.

"So, you guys seen the cahuengas on…" A worm said.

K and I approached the slack-jawed Edwards.

"Sure you don't want coffee?" K asked.

"Cahuengas, yeah, but how about the zapoata?" The worm asked.

The worms laugh.

Battery Park…

Edwards, thrown for a major loop, sits like a zombie alongside K and I on a bench in Battery Park. K and I drink our coffees while we talk.

"Any given time, around fifteen hundred landed aliens are on the planet, the majority right here in Manhattan." K said.

"There are also aliens living peacefully in a trap street in London." I said, sipping on my cup of coffee. "Most aliens are decent. They're just trying to make a living on Earth."

"Cab drivers?" Edwards asked.

"Not as many as you'd think. Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue. Don't want one, either. They're happy. They think they've got a pretty good bead on things." K said.

"Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it."

"A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals. You know it. A thousand years ago, everybody knew Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat. Fifteen minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow."

"So what's the catch?"

"The catch? The catch is, you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. We'll give you to sunrise to think it over."

"Officer Edwards, you have it much easier than me when it came to accepting alien life and the world you knew changing forever." I said, getting up and walking away with K. "I was tossed into the thick of it when I got sucked into a crack in time and space in my universe. And then I ended up here, in this onee."

"Is it worth it?" Edwards asked.

"Oh, yeah, it's worth it... if you're strong enough." K said.

"Well, I know you're strong enough." I said, sipping on my cup of coffee. "I've seen the future. And I know your story. You can handle it. But we won't force you into this."

Edwards sits on the bench alone for hours, from day to night. In the morning, Edwards looks at the skyline of Manhattan, as the Zap-'Em truck is heading along a ramp towards the city.

504 Battery Drive…

"What's up, pops?" Edwards asked, walking to the elevator and pushing the button. As the elevator doors open, K and I are there waiting for him. "All right. I'm in because there's some next-level shit going on around here, and I'm with that. Before you beam me up, there are a couple of things we need to get straight. First off, you and your friend chose me, so you recognize the skills. I don't want nobody calling me 'son' or 'kid' or 'sport'. Cool?"

"Cool. Whatever you say, slick. But we need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now... they mean precisely dick." K said.

"Yeah. K's right. They pretty much mean nothing." I said, happily. "I work for Torchwood. Even so, we have a close relationship with the Men in Black."

The elevator doors open.

…

It is a huge, multileveled, of sixties design, polished steel and glass. The workplaces are sleek and uncluttered, manned by both humans and aliens. Most of the aliens stay in the background, like the upside-down guy who walks on the ceiling, shuffling papers. K, Edwards, and I step off the elevator and onto a platform that looks out over the whole place.

K and I lead Edwards down into the complex. First, we walk past a sort of passport control center, where a human bureaucrat at a desk is checking the documents of a line of aliens who've just arrived. There are a dozen bizarre life forms in that line, chatting in half a dozen different alien tongues. Edwards slows as they pass, listening to the Passport Control officer as he addresses an Arquillian, a large, humanoid visitor.

"Purpose of trip?" The passport officer asked.

"Diplomatic mission." The Arquillian said.

"Duration of stay?"

"Lunch."

"Carrying any fruits or vegetables?"

As Edwards passes by an alien resembling a giant slug and just stares, fascinated, I grab him by the arm and hurried him along.

"Yeah. You want to stay away from him. He's grumpy after being jet lagged." I said, moving Edwards into the central hall. "Like, come on. He wasn't traveling by TARDIS or vortex manipulator."

"Jared's right." K said, smirking. "Three-hour delay in customs after a 17 trillion mile flight gonna make anybody cranky. Right?"

"What branch of the government do we report to?" Edwards asked, looking between K and I.

"None. They ask too many questions."

"So who pays for all this?"

"Oh, we hold a few patents on gadgets we confiscated from our out-of-state visitors. Velcro. Microwave Ovens. Liposuction. At a storage cage, Kay turns a key in the lock of a caged-in area and throws the door open. Inside, there are piles of sophisticated-looking devices stacked on shelves and tabletops." K said, picking up a small disk-like object. "This is a fascinating little gadget. A new recording device to replace CD's. So now I gotta buy the White Album again." He picked up something else. "This is amusing. Universal translator." He holds up a cylindrical metal tube and a small wire clip that looks like a lapel microphone. "We're not supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?"

Edwards touches up a small yellow ball that stands floating above a torch-like device, "What's this?"

The ball zings out of Edwards' hands-- it flies out into the main complex -- hits the ceiling and ricochets around the room, faster than the eye can follow -- various shots of humans and aliens ducking, dodging, and jumping out of its way. One experiment room has all the beakers and such breaking. In Zed's office, the boss barely notices the bouncing ball.

"Just be calm! Relax! Watch your head! Somebody get him some ice. Move! Just move when it's coming at you! Damn! I'm going to pay for that!" Edwards said, worried.

K, calmly, a little wearily, slips an odd-looking metal glove over his right hand, raises his hand and the yellow ball zings into it, "This thing caused the 1977 New York blackout. Practical joke by the Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell."

We leave the room.

"Sorry! It was an accident. Sorry." Edwards said, sadly.

On the main floor, we walk briskly across the room, reaching a giant screen on the far wall.

"Observation, the heart of our little endeavor. Meet the twins. Idikiukup and Bob." K said.

K gestures to two small, bony creatures with eight arms each and a single eye growing out of a central stalk in their heads. They turn around and wave two or three arms each. The screen displays a map of the world on which thousands of tiny lights blink in all parts of the globe, log lines of data flashing next to them.

"This map shows the location of every registered alien on earth at any given time. Some of them we keep under constant surveillance. He hits a button on the console and the map is replaced by ten big screens. Everyone on these screens is an alien. Some of them under constant surveillance. In public, they're as normal as you are, but in private... well, you'll get the idea." K said.

"Oh, man." Edwards said, annoyed.

"It doesn't make any sense, does it?" I asked, grabbing the strap of my sling bag.

"It makes perfect sense. When I was in third grade, everyone said I was crazy... but I knew our teacher was from Venus or something like that." Edwards said, frowning.

"Mrs. Edelson. Jupiter, actually. Well, one of the moons." K said.

Edwards, stunned, looks at K and me as 4-Eyes boots 'Irma Edelson' onto the screen.

"Revolve, Class... be quiet and pay attention! If I have to tell you one more time…" Edelson said, on screen.

"Edwards!" Zed yelled, and Edwards turns around. "Let's put it on."

"Put what on?" Edwards asked.

"The last suit you'll ever wear."

Locker room…

Edwards walks to a locker with the letter 'J' on it, and opens it.

Men in Black headquarters…

"You will dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MIB special services." Zed said, while Edwards takes the suit and shoes out of the locker.

Elsewhere, Kay deletes Edwards' NYPD records and Gold's Gym VIP membership.

"You'll conform to the identity we give you. Eat where we tell you. Live where we tell you." Zed said.

Edwards puts his hands to a spherical device.

"From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind." Zed said.

The on-screen display reads 'Scanning', followed by 'Contour Tracking'.

"You will not stand out in any way." Zed said.

The screen then reads 'Deleting Fingerprints' as his fingers go completely blank.

"Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter." Zed said.

"Ow!" Edwards said, angrily.

"You're proud, aren't you?" I asked, looking over at K. "Him joining the Men in Black."

"I am." K said, deleting Edwards' passport, social security, and birth certificate, while Edwards puts on the shoes, watch, and suit.

"You are a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu, and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist. You were never even born." Zed said.

K, having deleted Edwards' core database, moves on to the final delete: his full name; Edwards picks up the sunglasses.

"Anonymity is your name. Silence, your native tongue. You're no longer part of the system. You're above the system. Over it. Beyond it." Zed said.

Edwards puts on the black tie as the final letters of his first name are deleted.

"We're 'them'. We're 'they'." Zed said.

Edwards removes his earring.

"We are the Men in Black." Zed said.

The words 'NEW ENTRY', 'J', and 'DATABASE UPDATED' appear on the screen; Kay presses a computer key.

"K, you know what the difference is between you and me?" J asked, as K and I turn to face the newest member of the Men in Black, Agent J, as he puts on his Ray-Band sunglasses, giving him a stylish look. "I make this look good."

"That you do." I said, smiling. "Come on, time for your first mission."

(Open POV)

Rosenberg Fine Jewelry…

Out of one of the "Rosenberg Fine Jewelry" shops on Thirty-Fifth Street comes a short, old man (Rosenberg), carrying a bag with a cat and an ornate rosewood jewelry box. He talks to the cat.

"We're going to go for a ride. I'll put you down here for a minute then Daddy will be right back." Rosenberg said.

Carefully, Rosenberg puts the bag on a pane with flowers as he locks the revolving door to his distinctive shop. The Zap-Em Truck then approaches the shop. The cat stares at Edgar as he struggles to position himself in a 'not-suspicious'' position.

"Okay, now we're ready to go for a little ride." Rosenberg said.

Finished, Rosenberg picks up the bag, puts the box in his pocket, then waddles off down the street.

"We're going to meet with Daddy's friend who you'll like." Rosenberg said.

Edgar then starts the van and moves it along.

(Jared's POV)

Zed's office…

It is a circular, windowed room elevated above the main floor of MIB headquarters. J, K, and I sit across the desk from Zed. There are six video monitors on a wall behind Zed's desk, and on each monitor is another Man in Black, in different parts of the world, the city name and a clock ticking in a corner of the image.

While Zed talks, he goes through paperwork on his desk.

"Okay, let's see." Zed said, looking at one of the monitors. "B, we got the deposed sur-prefect of Sinalee touching down in the forest outside Portland tonight."

B, an agent on one of the monitors, nods, "Humanoid?"

"You wish. Bring a sponge." Zed said, going through memos. "And here. Red-letter from last night -- we had an unauthorized landing somewhere in upstate New York farm country. Keep your ears open for this one, K, Jared, we're not hosting a galactic kegger down here."

Next to him, his computer screen beeps importantly. Zed looks over at it.

"Well, well, well -- we got a skimmer." Zed said, annoyed.

"Landed alien out of zone. Who is it?" K asked.

"Redgick. He's not cleared to leave Manhattan but he's way out of town right now, stuck in traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike. Why don't you take junior and Jared with you? This is a good one for him to warm up on." Zed said, and K and I get up. "Go get 'em, Tiger."

"Right. Redgick." I said, rolling my eyes.

Zed then looks again at the monitor reporting on Redgick.

Outside MiB headquarters…

J, K, and I come out the front of MIB headquarters.

"We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger..." J said, while K frowns at him. "Zed. He just…" An MIB MECHANIC pulls up in Kay's black LTD and hops out, leaving the door open. J sizes up the car. "Unlimited technology from the whole universe... and we cruise around in a Ford P.O.S."

"Would you rather do it in a time traveling car or a blue box from the United Kingdom?" I asked, looking down at the ground.

Ford P.O.S…

We get in and slam the doors. I fastened my seatbelt immediately.

K fastens his seatbelt, "Fasten seat belt."

K starts the car and the engine hums quietly.

"We got to work on your people skills. You'd get a much better reaction if you were more polite." J said, sadly.

K shifts on reverse, glares at J and extends his hands above the wheel.

"Fasten your seat belt, please." K said, looking at J.

"Whoa, that was good. Did you hurt yourself?" J asked, stepping on the gas.

"J. Now isn't the time for that." I said, letting out a sigh. "K never had someone to show off to before."

The awesome power of the car kicks in and J sails forward, thwacking into the dash. K shifts into forward and taps the gas, slamming J back into his seat.

"Oh, the red button there. Don't ever, ever touch it." K said.

Jay jerks his hand away.

(Open POV)

Exterior of R&L…

It is a Russian diner. A cab stops on the door, Rosenberg steps out of it.

"All right, pop, that'll be $72 there." The cab driver said.

Rosenberg puts the bag with the cat atop the taxi, "Okay, sweetie, let me pay the impolite driver."

A moment later, the Zap-Em van pulls to a stop across the street.

R&B…

Rosenberg comes into the tiny restaurant, squinting in the relative darkness. At a table in the middle, he sees a man eating alone -- an enormous, dignified, yet profoundly strange-looking man in his mid fifties. The man (an Arqullian, the same one from MIB headquarters) rises from his chair. Rosenberg walks carefully over to the table, puts the bag on the floor, but does not sit down. He and Rosenberg embrace each other. The embrace has an odd, formal quality to it, like mafiosi coming to a sitdown. They hold on, long and hard, and both seemed choked with emotion. Finally, they break apart and take their seats. They speak in a bizarre alien tongue.

"Sorry I'm late. The cab drivers on this planet are terrible." Rosenberg said.

"Your majesty, you are in grave danger." The Arquillian said.

"Yeah, and they overcharge you every time."

"Sir, a bug landed here. We must get you off the planet."

"A bug? He must know why I'm here."

"We think he does." The Arquillian said, noticing the ornate box on the table. "Is that what I think it is?"

"No, just some diamonds for your children. Do we have time to eat?" Rosenberg asked.

"Sure. I ordered you some pirogi."

In the kitchen, the Russian cook slaps two orders of pirogi up on the stainless steel counter.

"Six is up!" The cook yelled, seeing someone approaching. "Where is Ivan?"

"Gave him a break." Edgar said.

The cook turns away to his grill. A hand reaches in, takes the plates, one with each hand. But only the arm and aproned midsection of the waiter carrying it is visible. As he steps away, there is a storage shelf crammed with bags of rice, cans of stewed tomatoes and the dead Ivan, literally folded in half and stuffed in among the shelves. Rosenberg and the Arquillian raise their glasses in a toast. Now it's clear that the waiter approaching in the background is Edgar.

"To the continued reign of the Arquillian Empire." The Arquillian said.

"To the safety of the galaxy." Rosenberg said.

They clink glasses and drink, just as Edgar arrives. The plates are put down. Rosenberg catches a glimpse of the waiter's hand just as an enormous silverfish bug slithers out of the waiter's sleeve and scurries in the dish. Rosenberg looks up to the waiter's face, paralyzed with fear. He seems to know what dire implications Edgar's presence holds.

"You can kill us both -- but you will not find the galaxy." Rosenberg said, talking in English again.

The Arquilian looks at Edgar, is also afraid. Rosenberg's cat is raising his head on the bag.

"You're right about one thing." Edgar said.

Suddenly, a long stinger whips out from under the back of Edgar's apron and zips under the table. It hits Rosenberg's neck, and then the Arquillian. Both lurch forward their chairs, their faces contorting in pain. They both pitch forward, their faces slogging into fresh pirogi. Edgar moves quickly, grabs the ornate box, and leaves, flipping a table on the way. Rosenberg's cat leaps back onto the table and snarls at him as he goes. He turns around and grunts at the cat, who proceeds to angrily make a defying gesture. His collar reads 'Orion' before the cat hisses again. Edgar turns around and walks further towards the exit. Another waiter moves to the door frame.

"You're not going anywhere, pal." A man said.

Edgar tosses him away, making the waiter's tray loudly fall and make noise.

New York City…

Edgar then pushes the door and walks down the street, with the patron next to the door staring.

"What's going on?" A passerby asked.

Edgar just hits and makes the man fall. Edgar is walking down the street, holding his hip and stretching his arm. The restaurant staff are all gathering at the door to stare at him, as does another man passing by the street. The cat stares angrily.

(Jared's POV)

New Jersey Turnpike…

A car has pulled over. K approaches the driver.

"License and registration, please." K said, while the driver hands over some documents. "Other license and registration, please."

The guy digs out two other cards and hands those over. Jay peers over K's shoulder and my shoulder.

"You do know you're restricted to Manhattan." I said, clutching the strap of my sling bag. "Where are you going, Redgie?"

"It's my wife! She's -- she's -- well, look!" Redgie said, worried.

I looked over at the back seat to see that Mrs. Redgick, with a big belly, lies down, moaning in pain, making contraction gestures.

"It's okay. No biggie." I said, opening the door.

"Okay, you come with me, Redge." K said, as Redgick steps out the car, looks at his screaming wife one last time. K closes the door, turns to J. "You handle it."

"What? Me?" J asked.

"J, she's pregnant." I said, and I looked over at Mrs Redgick. "She needs a doctor."

K approaches Redgick, "Sure, it's easy, you just -- catch."

"He knows what he's doing?" Redgick asked.

"He does it all the time. Let the man work." K said, happily.

Mrs. Redgick looked between her open legs and J outside the door. J smiles, gestures happily, and then does an imitation of the 'breathing lesson in Lamaze class'.

J looks down to the woman's crotch, "K! Jared! Damn, man! So-- Something's peaking!"

A few yards from the car, K and I turned Redgick to face him. The car has all sorts of stuff above the trunk, so nothing inside the cabin can be seen. A tentacle whips out from inside the car, wraps around J and pulls him. J struggles trying to get released. K, Redgick, and I never break our conversation.

"Croagg the Midwife's back on 64th and 8th. You were headed out of town." K said.

"Well, we're, uh -- meeting someone." Redgick said, frowning.

"So, who were you meeting?" I asked, looking down at the ground.

"Well, it's -- a ship."

"Really? I didn't see a departure clearance for today." K said.

"Same." I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I get notifications on my phone too. For convenience."

"Both of you didn't? Uh, well -- it was an emergency." Redgick said.

The tentacle starts dangling J upside down above the car.

"K! Jared! K! Jared!" J said, terrified.

"You're doing fine, ace." K said, smirking.

"Kiss my ass!"

"What kind of emergency? What's the rush to get off the planet all of a sudden?" K asked, looking at Redgick.

J is pulled inside the car. And then as the vehicle shakes he emerges still wrapped on the tentacle through the other side.

"We just don't like the neighborhood anymore. Some of the -- new arrivals." Redgick said.

J starts being bashed on the car ceiling.

"New arrivals? Have anything to do with the crasher from last night?" K asked.

Redgick looks at K and me, clearly concealing something, but darts his eyes away. J is pulled inside the car again.

"Excuse me, miss!" J said, screaming. But at that moment, J is ejected with great speed from inside the car. Redge runs towards him. J falls, flat on his back in the dirt, the multi-tentacled squidlike baby resting squarely on his chest. "Oh -- oh -- oh -- man."

K, Redgick, and I approach.

Kay claps Redge on the back, "Congratulations, Redge! It's a squid."

"You got a boy!" I cheered, and J looked down at the creature cooing and nestling on his chest. "Congratulations!"

"He's... actually kind of…" J said, misty. The squid vomits slime on him. J spits the one that fell in his mouth, and then the 'squid' blinks. "...cute."

Ford P.O.S…

J wipes the last of the puke off his suit while K starts up the car. I took out a bottle of Mountain Dew out of my sling bag to drink it.

"Anything about that seem unusual to you?" K asked, while J and I just looked at him. "What would scare Redgick so badly that he'd risk a warp jump with a newborn?"

"Don't know, K." I said, thinking for a moment. "Let's check the hot sheets!"

New York City…

We are now looking at various supermarket tabloids as a hand flips through them. There are headlines like 'POPE A FATHER!' and 'TOP DOCTORS BAFFLED -- BABY BORN PREGNANT!' and 'MAN EATS OWN HOUSE!' (the subhead on that one is 'And That's Just the Appetizer, Says Neighbor.)

K, J, and me are at a downtown newsstand. K and I are searching through the tabs; J is standing behind us, a little embarrassed.

"These are the hot sheets?" J asked.

K pulls a copy of the Weekly World News from the stand and gives the guy a buck, "Best investigative reporting on the planet. Read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes."

"I cannot believe you two are looking for tips in a supermarket tabloid." J said, looking between K and me.

"We're not looking for anything." I said, looking at the hot sheets. "We found what we're looking for."

Farm wife says 'ALIEN STOLE MY HUSBAND'S SKIN!'.

Beatrice's farmhouse…

The LTD pulls to a stop at the end of the driveway that leads to Beatrice's farmhouse, where the alien ship landed. The wrecked pickup truck is still there. J, K, and me get out, very undercover cop. J starts up the driveway.

"J. Wait!" I said, running up to Jay. "Slow down!"

"Why?" J asked.

"Give her time to get the wrong impression. Makes things go a lot smoother." K said.

"Can I help you gentlemen?" Beatrice asked, opening the front door and stepping outside.

"Yes, ma'am, I'm Special Agent Manheim, these are Agents Black and White, FBI." K said, as I took out my psychic paper to show Beatrice. "We'd like to talk to you about your visitor."

"You here to make fun of me too?"

"No ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor that we're aware of. May we come in?"

"Sure."

"Thank you." I said, happily. "We really appreciate it."

"Lemonade?" Beatrice asked.

"Oh, yes, please." K said, smiling.

We walk towards the house; Beatrice smiles and lets us in.

"Chief of police himself come up to the house and did a full-out professional investigation. Took a police report and write down everything I said... from A to Z, not believing one thing I said. Sort of poking fun at me. And they asked me, 'If he was murdered, how was he able to walk back in the house?'" Beatrice asked, and J sips some of her lemonade and winces, before spitting it back. "And I gotta admit to you, that one got me sort of stumped. But I'll tell you something right now: I know Edgar, and that wasn't Edgar." K and I are nodding, while J checks out the room. He puts the glass on the table, and picks up a framed photo of Edgar. "It's like something was wearing Edgar. Like a... like a suit. An... Edgar suit."

Beatrice snorts and laughs at the idea.

"Dude was that ugly before he was an alien." J said, smirking.

"Rude." I said, walking over to J to punch him on the shoulder.

"Ow!" J yelled, rubbing his shoulder in pain.

"I'm sorry." Beatrice said, looking between K and me.

"Go on." K said.

"Anyway, I come to, and he's gone."

"Well, did he say anything?" I asked, looking down at the floor.

"Yes. He asked me for some water. Some uh... sugar water." Beatrice said.

"Sugar water?"

As Beatrice speaks, K taps J then takes out his sunglasses and puts them on; J, not getting what's going on, takes his sunglasses out as well, putting them on. I pressed a button on my glasses to transition it to sunglasses. J, K, and I stand up as K holds his neuralyzer out in front of him facing Beatrice.

"Yeah, I remember that right. 'Cause I thought that was odd. That he asked me for sugar water and not lemonade or ice water or... regular water or... tap water." Beatrice said, letting out a sigh.

K flashes Beatrice with the neuralyzer, "All right, Beatrice. There was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and refracted the light from Venus."

"Wait a minute. So, you just flash that thing, it erases her memory and you just make up a new one?" J asked.

"A standard issue neuralyzer." K said.

"It's way better than Retcon." I said, clutching the strap of my sling bag. "Retcon is in the form of a pill. A neuralizer isn't."

"That weak-ass story is the best you can come up with?" J asked, looking at K.

"All right. On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple of nights, get over it and decide you're better off." K said.

"Well, yeah, because he never appreciated you anyway. In fact. You know what?" J asked, pointing at Beatrice. "You. Kicked. Him. Out. And now that he's gone, you're gonna go to town, go to Bloomingdales, get yourself some new dresses, some new shoes, maybe find somewhere you can get a facial." He looks around the house. "And uh, oh, hire a decorator to come in here quick, because, damn."

K and I are in the hole where the ship landed, investigating. K scoops up a section of scorched earth in a pocket spectral analyzer, then examines it. I scanned the section of scorched earth with my sonic screwdriver.

"Yo, K, Jared, check it out. When do I get my own flashy memory messer-upper thingy?" J asked, from up outside the hole.

"When you grow up." K said.

"The only hint I can give you is that it is at the end." I said, placing my sonic screwdriver inside my sling bag.

"Mmm. Okay." J said, looking between K and I. "At the end isn't a helpful hint at all, Jared."

"Please, not green." K said, as the analyzer's light then illuminates green. "Oh, damn." He stands up. "I don't suppose both of you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?"

"Nope. I know of a green alien whose weakness is vinegar." I said, happily.

"We are not huntingg a Slitheen." K said, frowning.

"Uh, wait, that was on 'Final Jeopardy!' last night. Damn, Alex said…" J said, annoyed.

K takes out his phone, "Zed, we have a bug."

K puts the phone away.

"So. What? We don't like bugs?" J asked.

I walked up and out of the hole.

"Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger." K said, walking up and out of the hole. "They consume, infest, destroy. They live off the death and destruction of other species."

"You were stung as a child, weren't you?" J asked.

"No, listen kid. Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?" K asked.

"What's the move?"

"With the bug in town, we'll watch the morgues."