Self-Doubt

Three days have passed since we left Wanderer with Rosary. Xylvia continued taking turns watching outside to see if the man showed up. The city continued to remain a ghost town, and day by day Xylvia grew more and more worried.

"Disappearances never went on for this long," Xylvia said worryingly. "At most, they'd be gone for about a day and a few sections, but never anything more than that. Something's definitely wrong."

"We haven't spotted that man yet, but do you think he's behind this?" I suggested.

"Maybe. Wanderer did say that he was powerful. And all it took was one look at him."

"What kind of magic would he have to use though? To get that many people away from the city?"

"Mindbreaker spells do exist, but the way they work wouldn't cause something this massive. The best you can expect from them are illusions and false senses. Anyone with a good amount of focus however can just negate it completely. While it is possible that he got some people with that kind of magic, there's not a chance in hell that he could get all of them."

"Should we go and ask Gleam about this then?"

"Around this time, she has to attend some sort of meeting. With the Council of the Gods or something…I'm not really sure? She didn't really explain it much to me. So no, we can't ask her."

"Is there a chance that she could like…sense something that's going on?"

"I don't know. Again, she doesn't really tell me about these things. It's classified information."

So we really are all alone right now. What do we do? Maybe we could go out and find the people ourselves? But what if that man shows up? Those people could be in trouble though…

As of reading my thoughts, Xylvia spoke up.

"I think we should go out and find them to," Xylvia said. "It could be the Corruption getting worse, but I have a bad feeling about it…"

"But what'll we do if that man shows up?"

*CRASH!*

Both our heads swiftly turned to the wall that had just been smashed. Pieces of the wall were scattered all over the floor, with some sort of shiny mineral planted in the middle of it.

Xylvia ran up to the giant hole in the wall, looking to see if she could find the culprit.

"HEY," she shouted at someone down below. "ARE YOU FUCKING SMACKED OR SOMETHING?!! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!"

I ran over to the window next to Xylvia to see who was down there. It looked to be a man in a black long sleeve with a leather breastplate and saggy brown pants with a leather belt strapped around them. The bangs of his brown hair covered some of his face, so I couldn't really get a good look at him.

He suddenly started to run away. Actually, he looked more like he was sprinting as if his life depended on it. But before he could disappear into the night.

*FWOOSH!*

Xylvia flung a small ball of fire right in the path the man was heading to, knocking him backwards onto the ground. He was slow to get up.

Xylvia then jumped out of the building, we were on what looked like the third story by the way, and ran after the man lying on the ground.

Unlike Xylvia, who I just realized can use magic, I had to take the normal way down in order to catch up. Unless I was ok with breaking my legs along with some of my organs. I could feel my heart racing a little as I swung the front doors open, trying to catch up to Xylvia. Flashes of her bleeding out in front of me started playing in my head. I quickly shook my head, trying to banish those thought away.

When I got close enough, Xylvia turned to face me. Her face was in utter shock. I couldn't tell why at first, but then I noticed the person who was lying down finally pick themselves back up. And this man…looked exactly like Wanderer when we first met him.

"Another one," I muttered, almost stumbling backwards. "Where the hell?"

"I don't know," Xylvia finally spoke up, quickly running behind me. "I thought Wanderer said that they lived in that forrest far away."

When the man finally got up, he just stared at us. Those empty eyes filled with zero emotion felt cold and terrifying. Enough to trigger my fight or flight instincts. However, I didn't act on them. I remember Wanderer saying that these people are just confused. Unsure of what to do with their purposeless lives. So instead of running, I walked closer to him.

"Do you…need something…?" I asked.

He said nothing. However, he did slowly reach out his hand to me, as if making a gesture to follow. I was still skeptical, but I hesitantly reached out and grabbed it with my own hand.

"…"

For someone who has no knowledge of emotions, their hand felt so…human. Soft and warm. Delicate and alive. I could feel that there was flesh and blood and bones working within their fingers.

He suddenly pulled my hand gently and pointed to the opposite side.

"Ok." I said.

While Xylvia didn't look to thrilled about my decision, she didn't try to talk me out of it. Instead, she just shrugged and followed.

"What side of the city is this?" I asked.

"This was meant to be some sort of entertainment area, but it got cancelled for some reason," Xylvia said. "I actually have no clue what happened to it, but this was around since before I was even born."

The entertainment area that Xylvia was referring to looked to be some sort of circus style park. There were many huge light brown tents set up with weird trinkets and what looked like games all set up inside of them. A huge sign with characters that I couldn't read were displayed as we walked underneath it. Besides the tents, there were also multiple unfinished buildings that were probably hotels or maybe even their own version of casinos. There were even booths filled with dusty shelves of old wine bottles.

"They really stopped building this place," I wondered. "This looks like it could've been amazing once it was finished."

"I never really cared about it, so I didn't really ask about it," Xylvia said. "But it's weird how I never hear anyone even mention it. And I remember a while ago, some kids went playing around this part of the city and saw this place. They didn't go explore it or anything. They just…stared at it. I felt uncomfortable and left."

"What we're you doing over there?"

"Trying to find somewhere to make some money. I was completely broke and I needed to eat, so I went looking for one over head. I didn't want to be a burden to Gleam since she's got her own work to do."

The Wanderer suddenly stopped in front of one of the old tents and stared for a bit. I couldn't tell what he was looking at since it appeared to have the same old stuff that all the other tents had. However, there was a wooden plank about 200 centimeters long an wide and 5 centimeters thick. The Wanderer went over and, with a bit of effort, slowly lifted it up to reveal a staircase that led down to a dirt tunnel lit up by torches. It reminded me of those video game moments where you enter through the castle of the final boss.

A felt a painful chill run down my spine, my shoulders shivering from the dreary feeling.

"It's not cold down there," Xylvia explained. "The amount of magic that I'm feeling down there isn't normal. That's either something really strong, or there are thousands of people down there."

"Is magic supposed to be this intimidating?" I asked with a slightly shaky voice.

"It all depends on how you want it to be used. You can make it terrifying for people to be around, or you can make of feel safe and welcoming. It just all depends on your mood."

I feel cold. Like I'm walking through an abyss in hell. The eyes of thousands of people watching me, judging my every move made me stagger with ever step I took. I felt pressured, my guard turned way on high. I felt needles stabbing through the bones in my feet with every step I took.

"You feeling it?" Xylvia asked.

"Y-Yeah," I said. "It feels awful. I can feel every bit of it. Thousands of people. So many eyes… It's terrifying."

I crossed my arms and held my hands onto my shoulders after shivering so much. This amount of pressure was brutal. The pressure I felt from Xylvia made me lose my breath, but the more I think about it the less intimidating it actually was. If anything, it felt like she was more irritated than she was pissed off. However, this pressure is filled with nothing but hatred. It almost feels evil.

"Here," Xylvia said, cutting me back out of my own thoughts. "Try holding my hand."

"Huh," I tilted my head. "Hey, I'm not a kid. It's uncomfortable, sure, but I think I'll be fine."

"But you're not fine."

Without hesitating, Xylvia grabbed my hand. She locked her fingers between mine, making sure she had a tight grip on them as to not accidentally let them go. I flinched a little, but began settling back down.

"When someone's not fine, friends are supposed to help them out," Xylvia said. "Even if it's just a few words of encouragement. I don't know what's considered normal where you live, but please don't lie to me about your feelings ever again."

A wave of guilt crashed into my chest. I felt guilty not only for lying to her, but also for letting her help me. Do I really deserve this?

Her hand feels really soft. Warm, smooth skin was locked in between my fingers. She occasionally tapped her middle finger in between my knuckles, probably just because. Her claws that she used during a fight were no where to be seen. Just regular nails that looked clean and polished.

"Your hands are still shaking," Xylvia said. "They feel a little sweaty."

"S-Sorry," I apologized swiftly. "I just…"

I've always told people that I was fine, or that I was ok. My parents. My teachers. Even a few students at school. Regardless of if they could see through my act or not, they didn't ask any further. And I was fine with that, or I at least pretended to be fine. In reality, I just wanted to scream what I was feeling. I wanted someone, anyone out there who would at least glance at me to hear what I was saying. Even if it sounded like a bunch of useless gibberish, I still wanted someone to hear me.

But I was too shy. Too embarrassed. Too humiliated to even attempt to try. And I thought that I was selfish as guilt clawed it's way into my soul. I felt cold. Small. Sad. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself, I always ended up back to those old feelings. Not even my own imagination helped me. I felt like I wasn't worth anyone's time anymore. Am I wasting this person's time? Am I offending them? Am I acting too weird? I eventually just gave up with talking to anyone. I'll converse if need be, but I never really try and stay in anyone's life for longer than a few days.

Why bother having any sort of relationship if all you're gonna do is make a fool of yourself?

"You don't plan on leaving me, right?"

"Huh?"

I was once again pulled back into reality. Xylvia had a somber look on her face, her eyes glistening from developed tears that started to drip down her cheek.

"Just tell me. Are you gonna leave me or not?"

"I…"

When did I ever say that?

"I'm gonna make this clear to you," Xylvia choked. "You are not wasting my time. You are not making a fool of yourself. You are not offending me. Whether you're weird or not doesn't even matter to me. I want to find out. I want to know you. Whether you're wasting my time or not isn't up for you to decide. That's my decision to make."

I stopped walking. Xylvia did the same. Even the Wanderer stopped and looked back at us.

"Why do you care this much about me?"

The bangs from Xylvia's hair covered her eyes. She let go of my hand, her face still looking down at the ground.

"You don't trust me."

I flinched a little from that. Suddenly-

"Oof!"

Xylvia pushed me hard. Stumbled a little, but managed to catch myself onto the wall. However, quicker than my eyes could read, she appeared right in front of me and slammed her right hand onto the wall, trapping me in a 'kabedon.' I felt my heart skip a beat (from fear).

"Why are you afraid of me." She asked.

Her tone was a mix of anger and heartbroken.

"I-I…I'm not." I said.

*CRACK!*

I saw chunks of tiny rocks fall from the holes that Xylvia was digging into the wall with her claws.

"Try again." She muttered.

"I'm not…scared of you."

I really wasn't. I'm fact, it was the complete opposite. However…

She suddenly grabbed my by the collar of my shirt and lifted me up off my feet. The tears in her eyes with the mixture of her gritted teeth made me wanna cry.

"Please, just tell me," she choked. "Why do you not trust me?"

*drip…*

I couldn't hold it in anymore. Seeing her cry was too much for me to take. And knowing that I was the one that made her cry made it hurt even worse. This is why I can't hold any sort of relationship with anyone. It always end up like this.

"I'm sorry…" I cried. "I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry Xyl."

"No, shut up," Xylvia shook her head "Why are you apologizing?"

"I swear, I'm not afraid of you. It's just…I'm so scared…of myself…"

Xylvia's eyes widened a little. Her lips quivered and her eyes glistened as she slowly let me back down to the ground. She kept her grip on my shirt, but she wasn't grabbing it. Instead, she had both her hands pressed gently onto my chest.

"What do you mean?" She asked that.

"I don't know," I whispered, trying to keep myself from crying again. "I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know what's wrong with me. I…can't remember. I just…have this horrible feeling that I'm not a good person."

While I do have trust issues, Xylvia was someone that I trusted a lot. I thought nothing ill of her. She was kind, confident, strong, and free-spirited. It was mostly me who I didn't trust. Every action I would take when I was around her made me more and more scared. Did I say something dumb. Should I ask this question? Is it ok if I say this? Am I bothering her? Does she hate me right now.

None of this was because I didn't trust her. It was because of the amount of hatred I had in myself. I don't know why I feel this way, but I just do.

"Do you really hate yourself that much?"

Xylvia was staring at me intensely, like she was listening to me.

"Did I say that out loud?" I asked.

"You said everything out loud. Right after I said your hands were sweaty. You just said everything that was on your mind pretty much."

"Oh…heh… Well, that's embarrassing."

"You don't know why you hate yourself?"

"No. I don't. I can't remember. In fact, ever since I got here, I started spacing out more and more and seeing these…visions of creepy things. It happened when I caught that arrow that the knight shot, when Zig first brought up that phrase, and when you killed that corrupt knight. I've even had dreams of moments that I don't even remember."

"What were those dreams."

I was hesitant to tell her that, even though I really wanted to. She was someone I trusted, but is it really ok for me to tell her about this? Do I really want to wrap her into my problems?

I felt a tug on my sleeve. I turned to see the Wanderer pointing at the direction we were walking to.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, rubbing my face a little. "Just got a little off track is all.

"Hiro…"

"Don't worry, I'll tell you everything. Just wait a little longer ok?"

"I…well, ok." She nodded.

The Wanderer continued to lead us further and further through the tunnel. The pressure I was feeling was really starting to weigh me down to the point where I thought I could see my own breath. I couldn't stop shivering.

Suddenly, I felt warmth again. I looked over to see my hand intertwined once again with Xylvia's. She didn't bother saying anything about it this time, keeping her face looking straight ahead. I decided to just keep my mouth shut and smile. I even tightened my grip a little, my way of saying thank you.

I don't know if she understood that or not, but I swear to this day that I could see her smiling beautifully from the corner of my eye.