Chapter 8: The pain of loss, and new beginings

Written by Greatkingratt88. Thanks again man.

Fairy Tail is owned by Hiro Mashima. BLEACH is owned by Tite Kubo. Me? I own JACK SQUAT.

Well, in about one week, its back to college for me. Joy.

Still, Ill enjoy myself the best that I can and I hope you all can do the same. Thanks for all the reviews you've left. I might not have a lot, but each one of them inspires me to continue this story.

So please, keep on reading and leaving reviews. ALL input is welcome. Also, if you have any ideas you want to see in this, feel free to tell me about them. If I like them enough, I just might use them!

Thanks once again, and Enjoy!

There was a great mass of nothing, the merciful sensation of feeling nothing of all. Then there were dreams, terrible, terrible dreams where she saw familiar faces, young and old, all torn down and destroyed in a sea of blood. Then, at last, Erza Scarlet knew herself again, slowly waking from her sleep. She was still half asleep, and she was waking so slowly- it was like being underwater, reaching for the surface all too slowly; except the surface was coming inexorably closer, whether she liked it or not.

She had a thought. A very simple thought, but a conscious thought nonetheless.

I feel so tired.

Why did she feel so tired? Where was this? Could she just sleep again? No- there came that rush, and the land of dreams faded away, and the memories of her dreams- thankfully- washed away like a sand castle under a wave, and Erza opened her eyes again. Moving her head slightly, she yawned, and looked around. There was some source of light, nearly blinding her- a window, perhaps? She blinked frantically, until her eyes had adjusted to the light. She saw the white, clean walls of a hospital room. Why... was she in a hospital?

Defying her tiredness, she made a fist, and prepared to get up on her feet. As she stretched her muscles- sore and stiff; she had to have been asleep for a long time- she felt the pain in her body, and saw the bandages.

And, hitting her like a speeding locomotive, the memories came back. Everyone was gone! Erza sat bolt upright, almost welcoming the pain of her not-quite-healed wounds. She remembered it- she remembered Marisa, she remembered Sensuke, she remembered Remon. She remembered her close friends, her classmates, and... She could not actively think about it, nothing could make her do that at this moment, but her mind filled with images. A desolate land, covered in blood and body parts, the sounds of despaired cries resonating through the air. Good people- Marisa, who had helped her through school when she would have failed without her, Sensuke who'd make her laugh, who was such a goof but so loyal, Remon who was so sour, down-to-earth and so much better of a person than he'd ever admit...

They were all dead.

Dead.

Dead.

A wave of nausea hit her, and her body convulsed. She arched forward, retching, spitting. She couldn't vomit properly- only a little gall came out, tasting bitter in her mouth. She stayed bent forward for a few minutes, letting her body jerk, trying to spew out food that wasn't there. She felt so nauseous, so weak and sick, but it was better than feeling what she'd felt the moment before- the full weight of her memories. The dizziness, the sickness, it helped.

But nothing lasts forever, and eventually her body settled down, and the images in her mind came back. They had never really left- it was not like the vision of a zanpakuto's realm, but she could see it before her eyes clear as day, in all its terror.

She had watched them die.

She had rallied them, given them hope, fought against the odds, promised them they could do this.

And they were all dead now.

She had failed them completely. And in one mad moment, Erza found herself genuinely wishing she had died there too, that she had joined her friends to the very end, that she hadn't lived on- that she could feel like less of a coward, less of a traitor.

But even at the brink of despair, Erza Scarlet had a will harder than steel, forged in the furnaces of Fairy Tail and tempered by friendship, violence and determination. Angrily, she pushed that notion aside- she did inot/i want to be dead, she did inot/i want to give up.

But she had let them down.

A small, reasonable part of her mind insisted that well, this couldn't be her fault, that sometimes you get overpowered and there's nothing to be done about it. And it wasn't untrue, she recognized that.

But it didn't make her feel any better, or any less guilty. A tear trailed down her cheek, and Erza, feeling grief, frustration, anger, hate, and helplessness all at once, banged her fist against the side of the bed. It was metal, hard and well reinforced, and it hurt when she banged her fist into it, over and over- but she didn't care. She barely even felt the pain; it was like her body was elsewhere, like all sensations were surreal. Tears flowed freely down her cheek, and she let out one loud cry after another, like a wounded animal. In that moment, it could barely be said that Erza knew herself, who she was, what she wanted- all that was, was a raw ball of primal emotion, of feelings too great to handle all at once. She screamed, cried, raged towards the heavens- or rather, the hospital ceiling- until she could cry no more, falling back into her bed from exhaustion, breathing rapidly.

Slowly, she began to think again. Her heard hurt, her hand even more so. Feeling the hurt, she focused on it, trying not to think of the unthinkable. It didn't quite work- she still saw their faces, ruined and stained with blood, but it was... distracting enough that it became bearable. She lay there, not knowing quite for how long, and somehow, through some small miracle, she drifted back into merciful unconsciousness. She had to have, because some time later, she opened up her eyes again, feeling the aches in her body, the pain in her hand.

She didn't remember falling asleep, though. She closed her eyes again, and felt the tears, almost welling up again...

"Hello? "It was a soft, gentle voice, speaking quietly to her. Erza considered ignoring it, just rolling over and sleeping forever- but, she knew, there was a world out there and she was part of it.

"Hello? Are you awake?" The voice said gently.

Erza opened her eyes, and turned to look. Sitting right next to her bed was a shinigami- she might have thought it was a boy at first glance, if not for the noticeable chest she had. She had pale hair, bordering on white, and a sombre, kind expression on her face.

"Who are you?" Erza mumbled.

"I am Kotetsu Isane." The shinigami said, keeping the same gentle, quiet tone. Fourth seat of the fourth division, and your doctor.

Erza, not having anything in particular to say, remained silent.

"It looks like you hurt your hand." Isane said after a short pause. "Would you let me look at it?" Carefully, she reached out, taking Erza's wrist.

"I don't care." Erza mumbled, pulling her hand back. It really did hurt- but so what?

"Please?" Isane said, producing a bandage.

Not replying, Erza relaxed her arm, letting Isane take it. She examined it carefully, before wrapping the bandage around Erza's hand, slowly and carefully, with the confidence of a craftswoman who had done this a thousand times before.

"It's a mild fracture, but nothing terrible." Isane said reassuringly. "It's not nowhere near as bad as your other injuries- when you came in here, most of your rib cage was broken, your sword arm was broken in five places and the muscles had torn, and you had multiple lacerations all over your body- you were bleeding something terrible. There's no need to worry, though- you're mostly recovered now."

"I don't care." Erza said coldly. She really didn't. What business did this woman have, talking about petty things like injuries, when her friends lay dead?

That small, reasonable part of her mind reminded her that she meant no ill, that she was a doctor doing her job, but Erza wasn't much in the mood to listen.

"You will make a full recovery." Isane said, finishing the bandage. Erza gave her a look. Then it struck her- in all her grief, she had forgotten- not everyone was dead. Rod! He had been alive last she remembered, before everything got blurry.

"I- doctor!" Erza exclaimed, once again overwhelmed with emotion. Isane looked at her, and Erza took a moment to collect herself.

"There... was I the only one?" Erza said, bracing herself.

"The only one?" Isane said. "You mean from the inci-"

"Yes, the incident." Erza said, feeling another tinge of nausea. "Please, just tell me. Where is he?!"

"Aside from yourself, Rodrigo Sentry survived too, with far fewer injuries. He is currently in therapy in the psychiatric ward."

Erza let out a heavy breath, and somehow it felt like a stone lifting off her shoulders. She wasn't alone. She had- she had saved him then and there. Something good had come of what she'd done.

And then she realized that Rod must feel the same things she felt, that what she had done might not be good at all, and the nausea came again, stronger this time. She put a hand over her mouth, and a tear trailed from her eye down her cheek. Isane put a hand on her shoulder, gently stroking it.

"They say it's a miracle you survived." She said softly. "And I know you feel terrible right now. But this is the worst it will ever be. You may not be able to believe it, but it will get better."

"What do you know?" Erza snapped. What the hell makes you think you can just say that?"

"You're not the first person in the world to lose somebody." Isane stood up. "I'll leave you alone for now- but not for too long." She turned, and walked towards the door. "And there is one thing you should know- I have kept it off for a while, and I will continue to keep it off for as long as I can, but an... incident like this gets people worried. Within a few days, there will be people coming to you asking questions. They might get pushy." Isane frowned, and there was a look of disapproval on her face. "I want you to know you are safe here. You have nothing to fear. Investigators can be a bit overly thorough, though- I'll make sure to be here when the time comes."

Erza blinked. What a bizarre notion- interrogation. Official reports. Such inormal/i ideas. The world, carrying on like her friends had never died at all.

"What... what do I do?" She said weakly.

"Well, you keep calm-"

"No, not about that." Erza mumbled dismissively. "They- they're all gone, and, and-" She choked up, unable to finish the sentence.

"It will hurt forever." Isane said quietly. "And that means they meant something to you. Remember them, Erza. Honour their memory. That's all you can do for them now."

Stumped, weak and wordless, Erza simply nodded. Isane nodded back.

"I have to go now." She said, opening the door. "But I'll be back. I'll send somebody over with a sedative, if you need help sleeping too."

Erza might have appreciated the concern, but where she was now, all she could do was lie back, and wait to fall back into sleep once more.

Erza later learned that she had been unconscious for two weeks, and she would spend six more weeks in that hospital too. She was healed fully after three, but the captain of division four, Unohana Retsu, explained to her that healing was about more than just cuts closing, bones mending or illnesses passing. The mind needed to heal too, and to that effect, Erza would spend much time talking with Isane, processing her emotions as best as she could. She was never pressured to talk, but eventually she was able to face it- all that death, that she could not have helped it, that she had lost precious people who would never come back. It was not quite healing, but it helped. Isane was a kind, understanding person, and just talking about it went a long way.

She was pressured to talk about the incident by second division investigators, though, however much Isane protested. She was asked to rebuild the scenario in as much detail as possible, over and over, by suspicious men with stone-faced indifference and no tolerance for inconsistency. In the end, for all the grilling- it hurt her, but she forced herself through it- it was declared a freak accident. An act of god, a tragic mishap that should never have happened.

It was almost unbelievable. What had happened out there on the plains had been unfair, unimaginably unfair. To think there was no design to it, that this just happened was almost too much to swallow. But as she now knew, the universe did not care what you thought was believable. It did not care who you loved, or how you felt, or how strong or weak you were. An accident had happened; it seemed to be nobody's fault- there really had been no indication that place would be a hub of spiritual energy; no numbers had been tampered with- and she was left to deal with it by herself.

The investigation closed, but not the questions that came with it. When she did walk outside, people whispered, pointed. She was the massacre survivor, the blood-baptized student thrust into their world in the cruelest way possible. The scarlet massacre , they called it- words whispered behind her back, never said to her face. Erza hated it. They'd look at her like she was broken, damaged goods- something to be cautious about. And honestly, was she not broken? Such thoughts would come to her every now and then- and each time, she pushed them away. She was Erza Scarlet. She was everything Fairy Tail should be. She would not crack.

At least, that's what she told herself, but at night, alone with her mind in the dark, she had a hard time believing it.

"And how are you feeling today?" Isane said. It was two in the afternoon, and Erza, who after over two months of care had finally been allowed to do some menial chores, was back for another session with Isane.

"Okay, I guess." Erza said, shrugging. No worse than yesterday or the day before that. She took a seat on the couch, in the simple white-walled room where Isane had her office.

"Have you had any more nightmares?"

Erza flinched. "They... come and go. Less frequently, at least."

"Any recently?" Seeing Erza's expression, she reassuringly said, "You don't have to. This is all about you- we'll talk about what you want to talk about."

"No, it's fine..." Erza mumbled. "Mostly, it's just them. The three of them... I dreamed about them just last night."

"Which one was it this time?"

"The one where they just stand around, pale as ghosts, just staring at me. And they don't point fingers, or blame me, but I can ifeel/i it- in the dream, they're disappointed. I should be with them, they think- I was wrong to survive..."

"It's common, of course." Isane nodded. "Our psyche- our minds- have a way of creating coping strategies. Grief is overwhelming, even when it's just one person- when it's several... sometimes I am surprised you didn't repress any of it."

"Sometimes I wish I could." Erza leaned forward, crossing her fingers. This was always a little uncomfortable- but she trusted Isane so far.

"Feeling guilt in a situation like this is perfectly normal."

"I know- you told me a hundred times."

"Some things can never be emphasized enough. You left friends behind when you died and came here- did you feel guilty about that?"

"No, just... sad, I guess." She mumbled, feeling a pang of emotion at the thought of them.

"And then you made new friends, forming an attachment... for a personality like yours, with such a fixation on close bonds, protection and companionship, this had to be especially disastrous- we all define ourselves through other people, but a collectivist individual like yourself even more so than others."

"A what now?"

"Somebody who's really used to being part of a group. What you're experiencing isn't just grief- it's the trauma of an emotional handicap, of being alone when you've lived your life- and afterlife- always in the company of others."

"So what, I just make new friends? Forget about the others?" Erza snapped, feeling anger rising in her chest. That reasonable part of her knew that this was not what Isane meant, that she was just a doctor caring for her patient, doing what she thought was best- but emotion wasn't terribly rational.

Isane shook her head. "No, that's not what I wanted to say at all. But I am saying you are the kind of person who needs other people. You are strong, very strong, but what are you, in your own opinion, without your friends?"

"What the hell do you even mean?" Erza said irritably. "Do you want me to say I'm nothing without them? That it's just pointless being alone, that I- I- she choked up. 'Cause it's true, you know. I... without them... " She fought not to cry again; she had cried enough already.

"Some people thrive on loneliness." Isane said gently. "And you are not one of those people."

"So what- do I just go out, walk up to somebody and go 'Hallo, want to be my friend'? It doesn't come that easy!"

"No, but don't close yourself to new possibilities. You've been through something horrible- but if you let that close your heart, it will only get worse."

Erza was breathing heavily, holding back the tears.

"How about this?" Isane said, putting a hand on Erza's shoulder. "You couldn't save them that day. Nobody short of a captain could have saved everyone there. They are gone- but they live in your memory. And the way I see it, you have a choice. You can either let this incident define who you are, become one with your pain and never face reality again- or you could use it."

"Use it?" Erza said despairingly. "What- what the hell does that mean?"

"Your friends died that day. But perhaps... perhaps you can remember that when you swing your sword the next time. Become stronger, and remember this every time it gets hard. Become stronger, so that it will never happen again, never when you're around. Become stronger- aim for the top. Become a captain. Protect the people who need protecting. Be the best you can be, and use this... tragedy. Let it motivate you."

Erza looked at her confusedly, a tear at the edge of her eye. "...you think I could become a captain?"

Isane smiled. "I've reviewed your combat data. You have exceedingly strong spiritual energy, and an explosive increase in combat skills across the board from when you started school. Few people can shoot for the stars in the Gotei- but you are one of them. Give it your all, and you can make it. I have faith in you."

Erza took a deep breath. "You're saying this 'cause you're my doctor, though."

"It's true, I'm probably biased- but that doesn't mean what I said isn't true. You are exceptional. Use that to help people. I can think of nothing more therapeutic."

Erza sighed. "Thanks, doctor." She sniffed, wiping the corner of her eye.

Isane smiled. "Don't mention it. I think we've made great progress here today."

That would not be the last of her visits, not for years to come, but Erza was slowly learning to move on. Life found a way to keep going, through pain and horror and weakness, because if it didn't it wouldn't be life anymore, and Erza was very much alive. She did her chores, took her sessions, and one day at a time, life moved on. Without her friends, but with Erza still in it, not clinging to her past any more than necessary.

She slept uneasily, though. Her dreams were still haunted by the pale, dead faces of her friends, staring down at her. Sometimes accusing, sometimes pitying her, sometimes, rarely, even smiling. She did not relish sleep, even when she was dead tired, for the night was long and full of terrors.

And even in her inner world, in the realm of her zanpakutou, things had changed. She still couldn't climb that mountain, she still got an inch further every time- but the sky had turned red, the colour of a dark pink, and the ground was scarred with cracks. She wondered often whether this was because of what had happened to her, or because she'd been forced to use the power of her blade before it was time. At any rate, climbing was no easier.

But climb, she did.

A couple weeks later, Erza was once again wrapping up a session with Isane. The doctor had been very helpful to her so far, though the road to healing was slow.

"I dunno, Isane..." Erza muttered, leaning back in her chair. "I'm feeling better. Things are... fine."

"You don't sound that convinced, you know." Isane said, smiling lightly. "You're doing better, but you're not 'fine', in my opinion, not yet."

Erza groaned. "So will I be clear for service any time soon? I mean, I do still have nightmares, but I'm not unfit for duty, you know."

"Soon." Isane said reassuringly.

"You've said that a lot of times."

"If you'd like to make a complaint to Captain Unohana about this, you're free to do so."

"No, no, by all means let's not bother her." Erza said, holding up her hands. That captain had a way of terrorizing you with just a smile, and while she wasn't sure why she was so scary, she wasn't keen to try and find out. "Still... I'm doing well. What kind of progress is there left that I can make just by sitting around and talking? I've talked about how 'that makes me feel' a million times now."

Isane nodded. "It's true. Some of your therapy is... getting stale in some ways. To be honest, I'm not sure we can just spur the process forward- sometimes, change comes slowly."

"There's nothing I can do, then? Or you?"

"No..." Isane said, but Erza noticed something different in her voice.

"Nothing, really? Not anything?"

"I think maybe we should focus on-"

"If you know something, tell me." Erza said sharply.

"There is... one thing that came to mind. But I don't want to say- it's best if you let it go."

"You don't get to say half a sentence." Erza nodded enthusiastically, her tone coaxing. "Come on- don't leave me hanging."

"I don't want to say," Isane said carefully, "because what came to mind could do more damage than good. And once I told you, you wouldn't let go. You really should think carefully-"

"Think carefully about what? Something I don't know? What is it?" Erza sighed. "Come on, doctor, please?"

"...there is a way," Isane began hesitantly, "a way, theoretically, where you can observe the living from afar. There's a newly created device from the twelfth division. It's meant as a spying mechanism, but it doesn't have to be one. And it could show you the living- the people you left behind, and what they do. What life without you is like. You'd be able to see how they are doing- and how they've moved on without you. You shouldn't- you're dead, you're in the afterlife, and you should move on. It would be a form of self-inflicted emotional torture, the worst form of nostalgia. Do you want that?"

"...it could show me my old friends?" Erza said, almost breathlessly. "Even if they are from another world?" It had become clear to her, over time, that her world of the living was not the same as the regular world. A mystery for another time; nothing she knew how to answer.

"I am told the machine links you to your past, using your memories as a sort of... beacon. So yes. In theory."

Erza put a hand over her mouth, feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought. To see them all again- to see them, see what they were doing and what had become of them, even though they could not see her back- she wanted it more than anything, she realized, more than anything she could think of. She missed them all; she always had, but the longing struck her harder now than before, at this reminder of her old life.

She had to do it.

"I... I hear what you're saying." She mumbled weakly. "It will hurt a lot, and maybe that's true. But I'm already hurt, and I don't see how that could get much worse."

"Trust me, it can always get worse." Isane said, patting her back. "You should-"

"Please! Erza snapped. I have to go there- even if I have to beat down every guard in the way, tear up the division, I will- I will-"

"Calm down." Isane said, sighing. "If you insist, if you're really, really sure, then... maybe. But I want to go on the record and say I am against it. And I'm not letting you go alone either."

Erza nodded, taking a few deep breaths. "Fine. Anything you want, doctor. I'll do it. Just... let me see them again."

Isane sighed again. She was going to regret this...

A few days later, the two of them marched into the twelfth division's storage, where the device was apparently being kept. Twelfth division wasn't a very merry place- busy people hurrying around, hard at work patrolling, studying, experimenting, writing reports, doing... well, sciencey things, Erza guessed. But though the place was dreary, though the people were unwelcoming, Erza couldn't have cared less. She was overcome with excitement, with trepidation, so many things running through her mind- nervousness, joy, dread, anticipation, a great sense of unease, and more than anything, ipurpose/i. She was here to see. She was here to remind herself of where she came from.

She was here to see her friends again.

Isane led her through winding, white corridors, following a set of written instructions given to them by an apathetic division member attending the reception. They walked the wrong way, several times, and Erza added impatience to the number of sensations running through her busy, nervous mind.

But eventually, finally, at last, Isane led her to a very unremarkable-looking door.

"This has to be it, right?" Erza mumbled.

"Fourth time's a charm." Isane said, smiling. She opened the door, and revealed a room just as unremarkable as the door before it. It was storage, plain and simple- boxes collecting dust, shelves full of small objects, glass flasks and instruments and chemicals. A number of objects of varying sizes were on the floor, covered with sheets. Erza didn't know what they might be, and she didn't care.

At the far end of the room. Isane said, looking at the instructions. Looking like a large microscope.

That would help if I knew what a microscope looked like. Erza stated. She looked around, slowly walking down the room. It was surprisingly spacious- it was crowded, full of things, but large. She walked, Isane in tow, looking around. What would it be? She made her way to the end of the room, looking around, trying to find it. She grabbed the sheet pulled over one device, pulled it off- it was nothing she recognized, and it certainly didn't look like it would help her. She grabbed another-

"Calm down. You're not going to find what you look for when you've no idea what it looks like." Isane said.

"Well, do you?" Erza snapped.

"Calm down." Isane said, firmly this time. "According to the instructions..." She looked around deliberately for a little while, then reached for a sheet pulled over something tall, about as tall as herself. She pulled it off, revealing a white, tall... thing standing on three legs. Made of metal, with a tall stem, and on the top was a pole holding a big, round disc of some kind. It was almost like some bizarre kind of street lamp.

"This is it?"

"It should be." Isane nodded. "It fits the description, at least."

"Why'd they put it all the way back here?" Erza wondered, inspecting the machine. "It looked pristine- new, almost unused."

"I am told it was unfinished- apparently they ran out of funding. Too expensive to use at a useful scale."

"But it works?"

"They said so, yes."

"...how?" Erza said, walking around it, looking for some way of... making it do something, anything.

Isane traced her hand along the stem of the machine, and flicked a switch Erza hadn't noticed. The machine let out a light hum, and a faint light began to glow from the metal disc.

"You press the 'on' button." Isane said, and if Erza hadn't known any better, she'd have sworn she heard sarcasm in her voice.

"And then what?"

"You sit under the disc, I think. The process is automatic, they wrote. So... take your seat."

Tentatively, Erza sat herself down cross-legged on the machine. The disk hovered over her head, its humming intensifying.

"Um..." Erza said, feeling a little... well, nothing in particular. Normal. "Wasn't this machine supposed to do something? What do I do now?"

"Just be patient."

"I don't know, doctor- maybe this was a bad idea-"

And then suddenly, there was a complete black-out, except everything wasn't black- everything was white. Panicking, she tried looking around, she tried moving her arms- only to realize she couldn't feel her arms, feel her body, or even see it. She couldn't feel anything; everything was nothing- the only thing she had was her own mind, knowing that she existed.

Fortunately, though, this white limbo was only temporary. After a little while- or maybe a long one; who could tell how time passed- there were ripples in the whiteness. Streaks of green and blue could be seen through it, and slowly she realized she- whatever she was at this point; her body was still absent- was in the clouds. And, given how rapidly they were passing her, she was in free fall.

Panic struck her again. Falling from the skies into the ground was high on the list of things she would rather not do. But the little rational voice in her head, keeping her level even as the ground came ever closer, wondered if you could really hurt yourself if you had no mass? Erza checked again- nope, no body, just her mind hurtling through space towards the ground.

And as she passed the clouds, she realized she knew the shapes she was hurtling towards. She recognised the shape of the continent where Fiore lay, a large peninsula. She could see Fiore itself, as she came closer. She recognized the places where the major cities lay. She hadn't been a geography enthusiast- but right now, she was never happier that she at least had learned the world map.

And, she realized, her descent was guided. She was headed right for that one piece of land, that one exact spot where Fairy Tail rested.

She was headed home.

But it wasn't home anymore, she thought, feeling a pang of emotion. It had been home, but...

And then the ground came awful close, much more than what Erza felt comfortable with. She steeled herself, bracing for impact-

And then she was on the ground, ground to a perfect halt in no time at all. No pain, nothing broken- she was standing- floating, actually- right before the guild doors. Could she move around? Hesitantly, Erza willed herself forward. And simple enough, she floated forward through the doors.

She might not have had a body with her, but the emotion that hit her was still real. Over seven years had passed for her, but it looked like nothing had changed.

She could see them again. Right before her eyes, she saw them again. There was Natsu and Lucy, sitting by a table, and she was hit by an overwhelming urge to walk up to them, say hallo, ask them how they had been. Before she realized it, she was in front of them, hovering next to their table. Natsu, dumb, reliable, loveable Natsu, was chewing on a piece of meat, while Lucy scalded him for his poor table manners- but not too harshly. It was just like something Erza might have done. And at the same table sat Gray, shirtless as usual. He said something snide to Natsu- somehow, she couldn't tell quite what- and Natsu threw his plate at him. The two of them immediately got into a fist-fight, tumbling about on the floor, and Erza got the most nostalgic impulse to give them both a thorough beating. Just like old times.

Lucy yelled at them, but the two wildlings didn't listen- they never did respond to much else besides violence, and inwardly, Erza smiled wistfully. They were the same. Life had kept going, even with her dead.

And before long, several other guild members had joined in the fight, and everything erupted into chaos. Wonderful, familiar, nostalgic chaos, the kind she had sometimes had to put down almost daily. The chaos of people who loved each other, who knew how to live free of restraint, like true friends who knew that a few punches here and there was nothing to fuss over.

And then, suddenly, the fighting ceased. A voice could be heard, loud, rough, and distinctly female, and Natsu and Gray both looked terrified. Erza looked, and saw a tall, busty, dark-haired woman, wearing white- white coat, white boots, white gloves; the only exception were her black, tight pants. At her side hung a very long, very serious-looking curved sword, not unlike her own zanpakutou, but much larger.

She barked something at Natsu and Gray, and the two, tame as kittens, pretended to never have fought in the first place.

Life really moved on, didn't it?

The woman looked oddly familiar, but Erza didn't dwell too much on it. She looked around the room; there were so many other people left to see. She could see Cana, she could see Levi, she could even see Laxus, that arrogant man- they were all there.

And it hurt to watch. Because this was home, but it wasn't home anymore. She realized why Isane had been so reluctant- this was a special kind of torture, in a way. And yet, she couldn't get enough of it.

Then, on the wall, she saw it.

A single photograph, untouched by all the violence, hanging on the wall. It was her.

She got closer, and saw a bit of small text under it.

"Erza Scarlet, the greatest female mage Fairy Tail has ever known. She lived for her friends, and died saving others. She will never be forgotten."

It was short, plain, simple and honest, just like Fairy Tail should be. And at once, she didn't regret coming back, even with all this. Life... had moved on. But she wasn't forgotten at all.

She heard another voice, one that sounded oh so familiar- guild master Makarov. It was Gray, Natsu, Lucy, and that new woman, being handed a mission. They were talking, laughing, Natsu no doubt boasting and making dumb comments- oh, what she wouldn't have given to hear them clearly...

The dark-haired woman said something that sounded authoritative, and the four of them began to walk out the door.

It was enough, Erza decided. She was thick with emotion, and watching them leave, just like she had done with them so many times, it was about as much as she could take. She did not hate this new woman- but gods be damned, being replaced, however good the reason, that wasn't something she would ever be happy about.

She wanted out. How did you get out? Did you just... will yourself out?

For a moment, she almost panicked, fearing that she would be stuck forever- a disembodied conscience, a shadow of a ghost doomed to forever watch what she couldn't have-

But then it all blurred, and she pulled back rapidly, out of the guild house, out of the planet's atmosphere, leaving Fiore behind her rapidly. Back into whiteness-

"Are you okay?" She heard a voice, clear enough, through the blur. She blinked, her eyes readjusting to the light. It was, of course, Isane, worriedly patting Erza's shoulder.

"Are you okay?" She asked again.

"I..." Erza said, looking up. When and how had she ended up on the floor? She tried to sit up, but found herself too weak, still too overwhelmed. Weakly, she reached out with a hand, fumbling. Isane took it, and gently but firmly pulled her to her feet. She was surprisingly strong, wasn't she?

"How do you feel?" She asked.

"Doctor..." Erza mumbled. "Oh god, you were right- I saw everything, I saw everyone and they were doing just fine, and, and, and I should be happy for them but- but-" Too overwhelmed, too emotional, she trailed off, stuttering. Her shoulders shook lightly, as she begun to cry. Isane wrapped her arms around Erza, and pulled her in close.

"It's all right." She said, almost rocking her a little. "It's fine. You're going to be fine."

Erza didn't, at that point, feel like she'd ever be 'fine' again- but the closeness, just somebody being there for her meant a lot. God knows she wouldn't have wanted to be alone right now.

"It's all gone." She mumbled. "Everything- everything's all gone, doctor- I can't see them again-"

Ssssh. Isane said soothingly. "Yes. You can. One day, you could travel there again. Maybe I shouldn't say this- but you could. Travel between worlds is possible- we do it all the time."

"R-really?" Erza said, wiping her tears off- the damn things wouldn't stop flowing; it was like floodgates breaking.

"One day, you could. I don't want to promise you anything- but it should be doable. So work hard, and maybe one day..."

Erza nodded, feeling too weak to do much else. She didn't go to much therapy afterward- it still continued, every other week, but she was feeling better. As much as it had hurt to see her friends having moved on, it was a bit of a wake-up call. This was where she belonged now, and she would make her home here. And on top of that, she remembered everything now; it had all come back. From being a child slave to being picked up by Fairy Tail, right up to Jellal and her own death... it was all back now.

As time passed, Erza was slowly phased back into duty. Aizen Sousuke, her old teacher, rose to the position of captain, after no less than four captains and four lieutenants had died- victims of inhuman, heretical experiments by the traitor Urahara Kisuke. In one fell swoop, the Gotei had lost five captains. It was a shocking event, but not quite so much for Erza- very little seemed to shock her these days.

At around the same time, Captain Unohana deemed her fit for duty again- finally- and it was time to apply for a division. At long last, one sunny day, she walked out of the hospital for good (or until she got herself hurt again), intent on heading down to the office of whatever-it-was-called, where she could file the right papers. She knew where that was, at least. Or so she hoped.

Her hopes, however, were dashed. Seven years of schooling, and the Gotei was still a large and confusing place to her, and before long, she found herself lost in the streets. Luckily, her aimless wandering did not leave her alone for long. From out a barracks, she saw a familiar figure walk.

Rod.

She hadn't spoken to him at all, not since then, but... she'd have to, wouldn't she? She had promised they were friends, and Erza did not take such things lightly. Waving a hand, she called out to him.

"Rod! Over here!"

He looked at her, and his face was so... different. It wasn't scarred or mutilated, but his eyes were tired, so tired, as if nothing in the world really mattered. He did not seem unhappy to see her, though; a very small and very temporary smile went across his face, and he slowly walked up to her.

"How are you?" She asked.

"Been better." He said, scratching the back of his head. He had never been one for exaggeration. "They just let me out- I thought Captain Unohana would never let me leave."

"Same thing for me." Erza said. She tried to sound cheerful, but found herself unable- neither of them had much to be cheery about at the moment. "At first I felt she was just being unfair... but in the end, I don't blame her."

"Had to sit in a room and talk about my sodding feelings." Rod mumbled sourly. "I saw a lotta people die- how do they think you feel after that?"

"It helps, though." Erza said quietly. "By the way, do you know the way to um, the place where you can apply for a division?"

"Was just heading over there myself." Rod said, shrugging. "I'll show you the way." The two of them began walking, neither eager to speak again. They had to, though, Erza realized.

"Uh, so..." She began lamely. What did you say, really? 'I'm glad I saved you from dying when everyone else already died?' 'It's too bad everyone is dead, want a hug?'

She didn't have to think of something to say, though.

"I know." Rod said. "It's all... up here, isn't it?" He said, pointing to his temple.

"What is?"

"You know what I'm talking about." he said gravely. "You know, I talked to the brain-doctors 'cos I had to, but I never told one of them about that last part. The part that got you that scar on your palm."

"The part where..."

"Aye, that part." He shook his head, struggling to get the words out. "I... I don't want to be dead. For a while I did, but here I am. I had a long good think about things, and... I'm not glad to be alive persay, but I want to keep going. And I wouldn't be here if you hadn't..." He trailed off a bit.

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it." Erza mumbled.

They kept walking in silence for a bit.

"I'm joining second." Rod said after a bit. "Gonna try for special ops."

"Didn't you just say you wanted to be alive?"

He shrugged. "I'll think of it as a test. If I live through those kinda missions, then I'm good at my job. If I don't, then I'll be dead. He shrugged again. There's good money in it, too."

Erza scoffed. "Money's a weak excuse."

"What're you joinin', then?"

"Eleventh."

"Single woman along a buncha undisciplined, macho thugs who think of chivalry as a poncy nob thing- and you question if I want to stay alive?"

"Was that a joke?" Erza said, smiling.

"Maybe." He murmured. "Be careful, though."

"I will." She said, flexing her arm and making a fist. "And if they try anything, I'll teach them what happens. I think a few broken arms or wrists should get the message through."

Rod grunted something inaudible, and the two walked the rest of the way quietly, until they reached the whatever-it-was-called office of applying to things.

After a rather tedious process involving an unreasonable amount of signing forms, applications, papers of all kinds, Erza was sent on her not-so-merry way to the eleventh division. There, she had been told, she'd report to a seated officer, show him her papers, and they'd take it from there. It seemed a lot simpler than the application process itself, and Erza found herself feeling a good bit of contempt for bureaucracy. Well, at least she was on her way to the least bureaucratic division in the Gotei...

After getting lost again- twice- she finally made her way there, walking through the gates of division eleven and into its grounds. The group of anarchic, unreasoned berserkers and thugs that everyone else kept telling her were the worst in the Gotei. Part of her looked forward to that- in Fairy Tail, they'd never thought much of authority for the sake of authority, following their guild leader only because they respected him, because he cared about them all and what was best for them. It was optimistic, she realized, but she kind of hoped this would be... similar, at least.

The grounds themselves weren't, that was for sure. It were the same kind of professional-looking barracks, in the same style of architecture as everywhere else in the Gotei. People were keeping busy, at least- some she could see where training with wooden swords, some were pounding each other with nothing but their fists- some seeming like genuine close combat excercises, others like actual fist fights.

And others still were sitting on the ground, drinking what she assumed was cheap sak . Men, men everywhere, bearded or without beards, scarred or not scarred, all of them looking tough- or trying to. And quite a few of them were staring at her, quite unashamedly. Erza didn't let it bother her, and walked up to one of the groups sitting down, three men looking sweaty, probably from exercise.

"Excuse me," she began, "I'm uh, here to report for duty. Are any of you seated officers?" She tried sensing for reiatsu, and well, they had enough of it to not be considered small fry, at least.

"Aye." One of them, a big man with a thick mustache and a water skin in his hand- although it probably wasn't water. "Aye, I'm an eighteenth seat, an' my friends here are both twentieths."

"Oh, good. Then-"

"Question is, what's a chick doin' here, 'reportin' for duty'?" He said, getting to his feet.

"I'm here to join your division. I signed the papers and everything-" She said, producing the papers from her shihakusho.

"Papers!" The man sneered, slapping them out of her hand. Little girl, this is eleventh division. If you need a paper saying you're a badass what can join us, then you ain't a badass at all."

"Hey!" Erza exclaimed angrily.

"Hey, wot?" He said, coming in close. He was a few inches taller than her, and had some pretty noticeable muscles.

"Ya wanna be careful, Kanabe." One of his friends said, taking a swig. "I know that face- she's the one who survived the scarlet massacre. The blood princess." He laughed.

Erza balled her first, and grit her teeth. "Say that again."

"What, 'scarlet massacre' or 'blood princess'?" Kanabe said, putting his face uncomfortably close to hers. "Get the fuck outta here. This is a place for men, not-"

Erza's fist connected squarely with his jaw, lifting his feet off the ground. Before he even hit the ground, Erza had grabbed him by the neck, slamming him into the ground. Angrily, she slammed her fist into his face once, twice, ignoring his struggles to get out of her steely grip. His two friends got up on their feet, advancing on her. She stood up, holding Kanabe by the collar. He was bleeding from his mouth and nose, and Erza shot the two of them a dirty look.

"If you want some, come and get it." She said darkly. "But I just knocked the air out of somebody two ranks higher than you. You may wanna rethink that."

The two of them looked at each other nervously. Their fists were balled, but they looked uncertain- good.

"Well, whadda we got here?" She heard a rough voice from behind her, and she turned around, dropping Kanabe, who let out a small groan. The man who had addressed her was a mean-looking burly man, with a captain's haori, carrying his sword against his shoulder.

"Erza Scarlet reporting for duty, sir." She said in a low tone.

"So fuckin' formal. He grinned. I'm Kiganjo Kenpachi, yer captain. And you just beat up a dumb punk who's supposed to be your superior. That's insubordination, ain't it?"

Well, this wasn't exactly a good start.

"S'right, sir!" Kanabe groaned, still on the ground. "She's fuckin' crazy, just attacking me outta nowhere! She should be flogged!"

Sound advice. Kiganjo said, nodding. "Then again, you just got pounded into the ground by a weak little girl. What's that say about you, Kanabe?"

"Uhm..."

"You're demoted to twentieth seat." Kiganjo said casually.

"What?"

"Forget about the flogging. We don't do that here." The captain said reassuringly. "And don't worry about the whole 'girl' thing- the only question is, can ya fight?"

Everyone was looking at them now, and Erza felt a little uncomfortable. This wasn't how she pictured it'd go.

"Yes, sir. I can fight." Deciding to bare her fangs a little, she added, "In fact, I think I could beat almost anyone here if I had to."

It was an arrogant thing to say, and Erza didn't quite believe it- there were punks like Kanabe, but also many strong, experienced fighters around. But a bit of tough talk might be appropriate.

Kiganjo let out a long, hearty laugh. "Live through a massacre, and come out kickin'- and with an attitude to boot! I like it! Yer full of shit- but I like it." He grinned. "Welcome to division eleven, girl. Since ya just pounded Kanabe, how about you take his rank at seat eighteen- or should I just give you the captain's coat at once?"

"N-no, sir! Thank you sir!" She said, giving him an awkward salute.

Well, this was going a bit better...

Well, there you have it, chapter 8. Naturally, we couldn't just have her get over that incident in a few paragraphs. I felt most of this chapter should deal with the emotional problems one would have in a situation like this, especially since this is someone who is from fairy tail where friends mean quite a lot to them. Add in Erza's past history with the tower of heaven, and...well, she's gonna be hit by this hard. Of course, given that this is Erza mother fucking Scarlet,its not anything she cant recover from. Her recovery isn't fully over yet though, tough times still lie ahead.

FINALLY, we are at the 11th division. The best place for where Erza could fit in, and it fits with her skill set quite well. And, as you all saw, she will NOT be taking anyone's shit. However, I'm pretty sure that none of you saw Kiganjo as being her captain. I think it was a nice surprise. Oh don't worry though, Zaraki WILL be showing up, how could I NOT?

And finally, yes, Erza gets ALL of her memory's back. I figured it would be good to show how things are going in the fairytail universe. Naturally ALOT had changed from her dying. Now don't worry, I plan on chapters that will SHOW what has happened over there, but for now, I want to focus on Erza. Also, just who IS this woman who has taken her place in Fairy tail? I wont say, but it IS someone you know.

Thank you all so much for reading my story. It means a lot.

A DOUBLE thank you though if you leave a review. I always love hearing feedback, so Please, keep them all coming!