3. Slave to My Own Desires

Throwing my phone aside in frustration and disgust, I collapsed limply onto the ground. Lost in the void within me, a sense of dread washed over me.

Blinded by self-deprivation, I began to spiral. "What am I doing?" I wondered.

Unrestrained, my emotions, desires, and ambitions ran rampant, screaming to be acknowledged and acted upon. Yet, I couldn't comprehend them. What did I want? How could I achieve it? Why did I want this? Could I succeed, or would I fail? Was it all worth it?

Despair and fear gripped me, like tiny black chains loosely wrapped around my body, tight enough to restrain but loose enough to allow struggle.

With each push against these chains, they dug deeper into my skin, offering just enough give to spark hope, yet enough resistance to seem futile.

I felt lost, yet I knew I had to keep pushing. Despite the internal havoc, I had to endure. I could feel it.

"I am tired," I kept thinking. Exhaustion overwhelmed me. I longed for rest, a place to lay my weary soul, to be nurtured and to nurture. I just wanted to live.

As thoughts swirled in my head, I felt my inner fire dying. My survival instinct kicked in, urging me to reach out for help, but I resisted. I didn't want to burden anyone.

My thoughts turned to her, the person I desperately wanted to talk to, yet didn't want to burden. I wanted her to be my safe haven, and I wanted to be that for her.

But guilt and shame, stemming from our circumstances, prevented me from reaching out. This perceived weakness disgusted me. I pushed people away, scared to let them in, fearing they'd leave once they knew the real me. So, I isolated myself, finding it easier than risking being hurt by others. I wished someone would reach out.

After a half-hearted response to her text asking if I was okay, I lay in my living room, lit only by a lamp, too weak to rise from the cold, hard floor. The physical pain offered a twisted comfort.

I doubted my existence, endlessly degrading myself, finding fault in everything. I felt exposed and finally managed to sit up.

Glancing around, my living room's minimalistic style served as a mask, hiding my struggles. It was a collection of attempts to find healing.

Struggling to hold back tears, I felt the void threatening to consume me. Covering my eyes, I tried to calm down. Then, my phone vibrated.

Peeking through my fingers, I saw a message. "I'm here," it read. Recognizing her name, I heard gentle knocks at my door.

Stunned, I sat dazed. Her voice, filled with concern, reached me through the door. I stood up, struggling to reach the door. Gripping the handle, I was torn between the desire to hide and the longing for her presence. Before I could decide, I found myself opening the door.

Averting my gaze, I asked, "What're you doing here? I said I was okay." My voice betrayed my true state. "I know what you said, but I also know what you weren't saying," she replied.

I glanced at her, illuminated by the light from my living room, looking thrown together in her oversized shirt, hoodie, leggings, and slippers. Realizing she came immediately after my text, emotions overwhelmed me.

Pulling her inside, I scolded her gently for her light attire in the cold. "You'll catch a cold!" I thought to myself, realizing how deeply I had fallen for her.

I motioned for her to sit on the couch while I took the armchair. She settled in, grabbing a pillow for her lap. I was captivated by her beauty, even in disarray.

Noticing her shiver, I covered her with a blanket. As I moved to sit back down, she tugged at my shirt. Her worried gaze met mine, and I confessed, "No, I'm struggling."

Understanding her silent request, I sat next to her on the couch. She shifted, beckoning me closer. Hesitantly, I lay my head on her lap, finding comfort in her presence. Her smile calmed me, and I felt a surge of love.

"Thank you," I said, more emotionally than intended. She ran her fingers through my hair, offering comfort.

I realized then that I was in love. This feeling of home and peace was what I had longed for. "It's okay, I'm here for you," she whispered.

Giving in to my vulnerability, I buried my face in her stomach as she continued to soothe me. Gradually, my struggles seemed less daunting, life more bearable.

Breathing in her scent, a mix of lavender body wash and subtle perfume, I smiled, savoring the moment. Caught trying to inhale more deeply, I saw her blush deepen.

We remained like that, and I accidentally fell asleep, enveloped in a sense of serenity I had never known before.