Chapter One: After the World Ended

Entry:

I think I'm sad. My appetite has disappeared, the claws raking my stomach retreating to my mind, scraping my scalp raw of thought. When I get a rare itch to go outside, I merely retreat to bed in utter exhaustion.

The worst part, what keeps dark circles staining my eyes, what makes me dig my nails into my skin and tear my lips until they bleed, is that I want to go back before the Tournament. Back to life before the castle. Undo it all. But the fault is mine, not that horrid job.

It's my fault I am alive.

It's my fault they are dead.

-Phoenix

--

Today was the day Phoenix would follow in her murdered mother's footsteps.

That thought kept her up well past midnight, shifting in her bed as hours ticked by without her consent. Her foot bounced up and down, nerves leaking through, making her hyper-aware of her living body.

She was alive.

Her mind was tired and awake, agonizing about the Tournament tomorrow. Tears filled her eyes, pouring out, gathering at her chin. No. She wiped them away. Her arms threw the blanket off her body, and a shiver escaped as her bare feet touched the cold floor.

Night swallowed the sky; utter blackness consumed the streets beyond a single pane of glass in her room. The occasional candle glowed dim in windows crowding the city. Why was it always so dark?

The Burning, it was the Burning's fault.

Those beautiful stars, so angry with the people in this world, spitting out comets that slammed into the core of humanity.

No, it was Phoenix's fault, the Burning was over a century ago. She should work more to afford electricity. She should work harder to move out of the Lowlands. She should--

Keep moving forward.

With only a mattress and pile of clothes to avoid, Phoenix left her room without tripping over anything. A loud creak shot through the night as she pushed the door open; keep it down, don't wake the family up.

The hallway bled into the kitchen, but not before passing two other doors: the left one housing her two brothers, and the right, reserved for her younger sister. Phoenix entered the kitchen, and her body stretched as she reached for a cup off the top shelf.

"Phoenix?"

"Ah!" She dropped the cup and spun around to see where the voice came from.

"Phoenix calm down, it's just me," a dark figure at the table soothed.

"Cole," she whispered harshly at her older brother, "why, tell me why, are you sitting alone at this hour?"

Phoenix picked up the cup and left it in the sink, abandoned.

"Lucas was snoring again, and I couldn't sleep," Cole confessed.

A snort escaped Phoenix at the mention of their youngest sibling, and Phoenix pulled out the wooden chair opposite Cole before sitting down. The legs wobbled with her weight.

"Cole, I'm not an idiot, I know Lucas doesn't snore. What's really keeping you up?" she probed.

This close, Phoenix could tell Cole was pointedly looking anywhere but her eyes.

"It's not because I'm fighting in the Tournament of Crowns today, is it?"

When there was no answer, Phoenix knew she guessed right. This was a great opportunity to talk to him, assure him, communicate with him. Don't screw it up.

"Cole, I know I'm the only woman fighting and it's dangerous, but if Mom can do it, then so can I."

"Mom died because of that Tournament," Cole snipped.

"Mom won the Tournament, and then she died. No one actually dies in the Tournament- the whole ordeal is over in less than a day."

"That's not the point, and you know it."

Dial it back.

"I know, I do, trust me." Phoenix inhaled a breath of pause. "Cole, we need the money, the tax collector comes this week. I need to win that Tournament; we have to pay the Lowlander tax, or we could lose the home."

"That tax is stupid and wrong. I don't want to talk about it."

"But the Tournament only happens once a year, we have no other option. We need the money."

"Look," Cole crossed his arms over his chest, "I don't want you to go, but I know you, and I know that no matter how much I plead, you won't listen. I'll try, you'll bite back, I'll raise my voice, and we'll wake Daisy and Lucas."

"Cole, of course I'll listen to you, your opinion means the world to me."

"I don't want to talk about it, Bird."

Phoenix couldn't push the conversation. Somehow, him not even trying to plead his case made Phoenix feel worse. But Cole was wrong; they'd starve if she listened to him.

"Cole? Bird?" a small voice came from the hall.

Phoenix glanced over Cole's shoulder and noticed Lucas in the doorway looking at them both, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, hair licked by his pillow to stand up straight.

"I'm sorry Lucas," Cole sighed, "did we wake you?"

"I heard you guys talking."

Phoenix and Cole caught each other's eye. They exchanged the "this was your fault" look.

"We'll tuck you back into bed," Phoenix said.

Phoenix and Cole jumped out of their chairs to comfort the boy. Lucas ran just below her shoulders, rather tall for an eight-year-old boy. He'd probably grow to be as tall as Cole, perhaps he'd even reach 6'3.

Phoenix stuck out her palm and Lucas grabbed it; his hand was warm and smooth. Phoenix's thumb dropped to Lucas' wrist, and she felt each moment of his pounding heart. One, two, back again, regular, predictable, safe. She matched her breath to his rhythm until she felt calm unravel her tight chest.

Lucas and Cole's room had two small mattresses on the floor and a tiny table in between them, with a candlestick and a kid's book on it. The cover was torn off from over-use. Phoenix stared out the window and flinched. Black hues blurred to dark blue; the sun would kiss the sky soon.

Lucas wormed back under his covers, wiggling his body to get comfortable. The edge of Lucas' bed sank as Phoenix planted herself down. The noise was covered by Cole plopping down into his own bed with a groan. Phoenix responded with a sigh as she gripped the soft blanket and tucked it under Lucas's arms.

"Bird, are you going to work tomorrow?" Lucas asked.

She had yet to tell him of the Tournament for fear that he, too, wouldn't understand.

"Yes Lucas. I'll be back right after you fall asleep tomorrow night. You can spend the day practicing your reading and math with Cole and Daisy. If you're lucky, Cole might even take you to your favorite park, the one that's across the city."

She glanced at Cole who gave her an unimpressed eyebrow raise. Phoenix mirrored his expression in challenge.

"We can go, Lucas," Cole conceded.

"But I want to hang out with Bird. She's always gone."

"Lucas," Cole said, "if you want new books, then Bird has to work. Daisy and I will keep you company all day. And remember, Bird always comes back."

Heavy.

Phoenix's shoulders felt heavy.

Lucas grabbed Phoenix's hand, and this time, his thumb slipped over her wrist. Lucas' lips parted slightly as he counted the beats, and when the number got big enough, his eyes slid shut before he willed them back open.

"Go to bed, Lucas. You're a growing boy, you need your sleep," she whispered to him.

"But I want to hang out with you."

"I'm going to bed too," Phoenix put on her most convincing smile. "I'll be back before you know it."

"Okay," Lucas said. "Just promise we'll always be together."

He stuck out his pinky finger and waved it in the air. An easy smile overcame Phoenix as she hugged the finger with her own.

"I promise, nothing will keep me from you. Sweet dreams, Lucas."

"Night, Bird."

Lucas shifted so he rested on his side. Phoenix stayed there until she heard his breathing even out. Inhale; exhale. No snoring. Phoenix felt the weight of his stare and turned to meet Cole's eyes. A sorrow sagged his shoulders. She got up from Lucas's bed to walk over, settling beside Cole's mattress.

"Night Cole. I'm sorry." She held his gaze, unwavering. "I do listen to you, really."

"I know you do. I only got mad because I don't want anything to happen to you, and my worry came out angry. Be smart tomorrow, seriously, don't do anything brash. And when you win, when you come back tomorrow, you can take a break from working and spend time with the family."

No, Cole was wrong again.

"You know why I need to work," Phoenix said. "We need to save, not just live off each payday. The Tournament money will pay the tax and start our security, but not lock it into place. I'm doing this for the family."

Cole's eyes dropped to the floor and Phoenix noticed him tugging at the hem of his blanket. Tearing the threads apart.

"No matter what," Phoenix continued, prompting Cole to lift his eyes, "I promise to come back in one piece, so stop worrying and go to bed. I'll be gone before you wake up. I love you, always."

Cole nodded, but his stare remained focused. A silence filled the space between them. It curved over his black brow and tugged down his lips. Cole seemed to smile less these days.

"We'll be okay," Phoenix whispered.

"We'll always be okay," he echoed.

"Together," they said at the same time.

Cole turned to face the wall so he could fall asleep. His back to her.

As quietly as she could, Phoenix returned to her own room and sank into bed. Loud thoughts bombarded her brain. Father and mom were gone, she had a family to support, and the Tournament was tomorrow.

She didn't care enough about their absent father to remember his face, but she wished mom hadn't died. She wished the family had been born on this scrappy island and not immigrated, forced to live in the Lowlands and pay a tax for being a refuge.

None of it mattered right now. Phoenix needed to keep her promises to her family. Nothing would keep her from Lucas, and she'd come back in one piece. Chills zipped up her spine as she thought about tomorrow, and how the Tournament could break those promises.