Not everyone who laughs is also happy

"Christina? You have to get up! Otherwise you'll be late for school." My mother woke me relatively rudely.

However, this was her third wake-up call. So I couldn't really blame her.

I just grumbled a harsh "Yes, yes." from the pillow before sitting up with an annoyed sigh.

I wanted to crawl back under the warm, protective blanket and not put a single foot out of bed.

Because I knew today wasn't going to be a good day.

Because exactly on this day a year ago my best friend Joy took her own life.

It was kind of bizarre.

As her name already suggests, Joy was actually a very cheerful person.

At least that's what I thought.

Basically, she'd just been a good actress.

Only now, in hindsight, had I become aware of the signs of her severe depression.

She had always worn long-sleeved shirts. Also in the summer. Probably to hide her scars on her arms. She never really ate much either. Whenever I asked her about it, she just said she was going on a diet.

I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. That's why I didn't say anything about it.

She also always had dark circles under her eyes, which were probably caused by her insomnia. However, since I also had dark circles under my eyes myself, I had assumed that they were more likely to come from the thin skin under her eyes.

And of course her almost exaggerated fears for the future.

Joy had very strict legal guardians. So I assumed they were putting too much pressure on her.

But who was I, when I was seventeen at the time, to intervene in adult education tactics?

At least that's what I thought.

Basically, I'd just been a miserable Friend the whole time.

I didn't even deserve the title of best friend.

To this day, I'm ashamed of not recognizing the signs.

My gaze slid lazily to the clock.

Shortly before seven, the red, digital numbers showed me.

She was alive at this time a year ago.

I fought back the tears that I had been trying to hold back since last night.

I went to school with her like I did every morning. On the way to school we would always gossip or do some nonsense.

She had been just as cheerful that day as usual.

That's why I didn't have any strange feeling or anything that day.

Maybe it was just a spontaneous decision to throw herself off the school roof that day.

I didn't know that exactly.

Anyway, I didn't suspect anything when she got up in the middle of English class to supposedly go to the bathroom.

...

I didn't really realize she was dead until I saw her body.

How she laid there in front of the front gate with dislocated limbs in a huge pool of blood that colored the asphalt dark red. Her face was completely shattered and disfigured from the impact.

It all happened so suddenly.

I couldn't really realize at first that it was her lying dead on the floor.

She looked so different than usual.

The horrified screams of the classmates still echoed in my ears.

At that moment, time just seemed to stand still.