Chapter Six - Unbreak part 5

The night fell cold and troglodytic. The algid wind blew, tousling my hair in front of my eyes that remained fixed on the bonfire in front of me. The dry twigs crackled and popped, consumed by the fire, burning endlessly.

I took in a laborious breath, the heaviness on my heart awfully evident. I felt Sylvie's topaz eyes looking at me- a gloomy feeling loomed over her as she saw my conflicted self, my brain turned into a mess by the myriad of thoughts that kept corroding me on the inside.

She walked over to me, her wings tucked behind and layed just beside me. Resting her head over her paws she twirled her tail a few times before coming to a stop. I smiled at her. A forced smile- I knew what she was about to say.

She knew of my conflicted mind, the split that had formed inside it between two people. And she had already decided on a side. It made things even more complicated. Feeling the cacophony in my mind her ears perked as her head left the temporary cushion of her paws. She laid her head on my knees.

Mustering the best smile I could, I placed my hand over her snout and started caressing the area between her horns. She let out a sligh coo, just like how she used to as a child. I let out a giggle, the first happy thing in days that wasn't forced.

"Have you decided yet?" She finally spoke, removing her head from my knee. A brilliant golden light engulfed her. The light subsided as I saw Sylvie in her human form. She walked up to me and sat on my lap. I ran my fingers through her silky wheat blonde hair,

"I am not sure, Sylvie. I- I don't know what to do." I replied, the words that came out were the most simple version of the abstruse battle between my heart and mind. It was something I have been running from. Just like my previous life.

Run, run away- that's the best you can do. I felt King Grey, my past self looking at me with a smug look, mocking my entire life and way of living.

It was excruciatingly tiring. Even being a white core wasn't helping. The exasperating feeling that infested my heart made it fester every time I was about to do something. A never ending feeling of debilitation remained with me everytime, like a curse, making me unable to accomplish any task with a satisfactory efficiency.

"You just need time to sort out your feelings. What you're feeling now is just a momentary whim, just a temporary attraction. However, Tess is different." Sylvie spoke, trying her best to impose Tess on me.

I just smiled at her, letting a minuscule amount of the repeated denial slip through our bond. Sylvie's feelings hit my mind through our bond. As much as I wanted to give her what she wanted, I was still reluctant, sceptical. Tess was nothing more than a really good friend to me. It took every bit of my unparalleled mental fortitude to cloud, mask the thoughts from my bond.

I didn't want to break her by letting her know this. But… I couldn't just ignore HER. Not just her- these feelings. What of them?

Was I just born to protect people?

Was I just born only to consider others feelings?

Was I just born only to be left alone- cast aside every time?

What had I ever done wrong?

Why was I left devoid of all this?

Why wasn't I allowed to experience what everyone does?

I wanted to feel love too, feel the warmth of the woman who loves me, the warmth of a family. But most of all, I wanted to love. Was I even able to love? Was I deserving of love? None of that mattered now.

Why?

Because I had decided to be selfish for the first time.

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Standing in the barren wasteland I looked around- looking for someone and something or rather, anyone….anything! Panic welled up and a strange feeling rose up in my mind. Was I left alone again? Is this a dream? Where am I? Why am I here?

"You took her away."

A familiar voice reached my ears.

"No"

I muttered without looking back. I knew- knew too well whose voice it was.

"I died because of your selfish pursuit of your ambitions. Why did you have to drag us with you?"

Another voice, an all too familiar one- again.

"No"

"You're a monster. You killed my baby."

I looked up, my mother stood in front of me. Her swollen eyes lined with tears and an unbridled disgust in them. Disgust for me- for killing their child and taking his place. Her hair was dishevelled, strands of vibrant auburn jutted out from the gaps between fingers of her clenched fist, like she had tried to remove any resemblance she had with me.

Like she was too disgusted to have the same hair as me.

"I am sorry."

"You took our happy family away from us."

This time it was my dad. His bloodshot eyes looked like a blue gem floating in a river of red. I saw him wrap his around Ellie,

"Stay away from us. How dare you do all of this to us." His sharp- austere and harsh tone was like a stab to my heart. Like a blunt dagger had been plunged in my heart again and again.

I felt so weak.

I'm sorry.

So frail.

I'm sorry.

Ready to fade away at a moment's notice.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to say so much. Say that I never meant any of this to happen. That nothing was deliberate. That it was all a lie. That I loved them with all my heart.

I needed them to believe me- at least hear me. To love me.

No

'Please don't leave me. Don't leave me alone. I-"

Why? Why did they hate me so much? Was I really a monster? Why am I really so detestable? If so.. shouldn't I die?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Die, die, die.

Die for the sake of the ones who are right and deserving.

You're undeserving.

"Ahh, maybe I should die." I thought. It was merely a thought, but I never imagined that a mere thought could provide so much comfort. I felt a tug at my leg. I looked down to see a hand gripping at pants,

"You don't deserve any of this." Nico's voice was sharp, full of contempt and loathing. He pulled me in a little. Another hand wrapped around me, then another, then another. I felt myself being pulled inside the bottomless abyss.

An abyss with my name written over it. My grave. A grave I had filled with hate and doubt. I was responsible for all of this. I had dug my own grave, filled it with resentment and self loathing. And now it was finally time. Time to embrace the impending, conspicuous end. My death…

I extended my hand towards the bottomless pit,

"I'll rest now." I said, my eyelids getting heavy, the burden and fatigue from my body vanishing, replaced by an awfully white silence and comfort. But something was off-

What was this feeling? I wanted to- no I needed to die, so why?

Why?

Why am I so scared? I asked myself, my own voice sounded foreign to me.

"I'm afraid." I mithered, talking with myself.

And then I felt something I never thought would happen. I felt hands wrap around me. I turned around. I couldn't see. Was I blind? Or did the person shine so bright? I have no idea. It's ragged breath caressed my cheeks,

"I am here for you. Don't forget that." It, or rather she said. Tears filled my eyes to the brim, threatening to break loose and flood out. Her voice was like a soothing melody, a treat to my worn out mind. The complicated thoughts that refrained me from thinking straight vanished. Her grip tightened over me,

"Let's go." She said and with one swift movement she pulled me out. Out of my grave filled with failures and regrets. They screamed at me, their faces caked in blood, grime and sweat but I ignored all of it. I chose to ignore everything except her- Varay.

"Find me." She whispered, her voice almost inaudible but the slight movement of her lips gave it away. The corner of her lips twitched into a small smile. So simple yet so magnetic. She turned around, her hair swayed despite there being no wind. I felt grief claw at my chest as I saw her leave but still… The uneasiness and heaviness was no more there.

The heavy feeling of confusion and despondency was now replaced by the feeling of a longing- a desire to have her in my arms. To embrace her and never let go. A warm feeling greeted my worn out heart,

"I will." I smiled back. "I promise."

***************************************

(A FEW DAYS LATER)

My legs paced back and forth, frolicking around as I sized the terrace by walking from one corner to another. Without any reason I continued clearing my throat again and again, fidgeting with my hands. My eyes continued blinking repeatedly, without a stop- endlessly. I was confused…. and happy and confused and sad and confused. Well for the majority of the part I was exceedingly confused.

My thoughts went to Sylvie who had severed her mental connection with me. After the dream I decided on something. Something I should've done long ago. The imaginary split on which my brain played its tug of war had finally concluded and the results were satisfactory.. at least for me. Sylvie had been mad at me for the decision I made and flew away for the last six hours, not even once contacting me.

I let out a tired sigh. I wanted to make everyone happy, but in doing so I had started neglecting myself. And that negligence had slowly started to bite back at me- gnawing at my insides leaving nothing but an empty husk of a man made of bones and flesh with no emotions whatsoever. A Walking Corpse. A Weapon.

I wanted to live my life normally, like any other normal person would. Even if we were at war, even if there was no guarantee of my own life, I wanted to have this luxury. I don't expect her to reciprocate, I don't expect her to return the same feelings, I don't expect anything from her. I….. I just want to remove this albatross off of my heart. I wanted to scream.. scream like the mad man I was. Shout from every rooftop and write it over the skylines.

My heart was ready to burst, like a time bomb it kept ticking and the time was nigh now. I want… No, I need to tell her. The salty wind blew from the sea as I waited for Varay on the rooftop of a restaurant in Etistin.

Mana fluctuated, flickering as a strong mana signature kept closing its distance. With every mile the figure kept getting closer, my heart kept darting. Even if we were at war, even if there was no guarantee of my own life, I wanted to have this luxury. I don't expect her to reciprocate, I don't expect her to return the same feelings, I don't expect anything from her. I….. I just want to remove this albatross from my heart. I wanted to scream.. scream like the mad man I was. Shout from every rooftop and write it over the skylines, that I-

My heart was ready to burst, like a time bomb it kept ticking and the time was nigh now. I want… No, I need to tell her. The salty wind blew from the sea as I waited for Varay on the rooftop of a restaurant in Etistin.

Mana fluctuated, flickering as a strong mana signature kept closing its distance. With every mile the figure kept getting closer, my heart kept darting. Its thumps reverberated in my ears, muffling the sound of everything but my pulsating heart. I looked up as I saw the figure descend.

My breath hitched as I saw her. Her white hair was tied back in a bun and held together by a long needle with a turquoise jade over it which further extolled her breath-taking beauty. A few strands of her hair escaped her bun and fell over her pristine face. Her pale skin and beautifully sculpted face underneath the night sky looked like an exact imitation of the moon- or rather the moon was the one who copied her.

(A/n *Wheeze* ah sorry, *wheeze* I'll probably commit suicide after this)

She wore a simple black shirt tucked inside her light blue jeans. I looked at her coffee brown eyes, the best I had ever seen, revitalising and soul-refreshing in all sense. To say I was enchanted and bewitched by them would be an understatement. It was an entirely new feeling. Something I had never experienced nor felt before. A desire and not just any desire. A mutual one. A desire to drown in that sea of brown and never resurface. So enticing that I wanted to drown in it.

(A/n Arthur's Masochism knows no bounds. Masochism goes brrrr. lmao. *cough* ahmm, sorry for the cringe. Anyways….)

And I could feel it was the same for her. A desire deeply rooted inside, asking, begging for permission to be fulfilled. We stared at each other for God knows how long. It wasn't an awkward staring. Not like the ones where you'd either get embarrassed or angry. No- it was fulfilling.

We were starved. Starving of love, a genuine warmth of affection and acceptance. Acceptance that transcended every worldly desire or treasure. I stared at her intently, hungrily taking in her image and form, from the strands of her hair to her eyes, her glossy and plump lips and her well-bred form. Everything was beyond graceful. It was simply breath-catching: quite literally as I noticed only later on that I had stopped breathing.

Taking in a deep breath and stopping my mind from engaging in the horse race I tried averting my attention away from her. I scratched the back of my head as I ruffled the locks of my hair,

"Hi."

"Hey"

"...."

"...."

Wow, now that's awkward.

I coughed as I mentally cursed myself for lacking so much.

(A/n Caught lacking x1 lol)

Why was it so difficult? Damn it..! I looked back at Varay, her usual emotionless cold facade was barely hanging at its last straw, desperately trying but failing to mask her own embarrassment. A faint tint of pink formed on her cheeks further beautifying her mystic pale skin.

I am going to die at this point.

(A/n: So am I- from cringe that is. OH LORD- forgive me.)

I saw her fidgeting as she nervously played with the freed strands of hair, circling them around her index finger giving them a slight curl. Get yourself together…. HOW DO I DO THAT!

I was busy with my internal strife I saw Varay's lips twitch,

"A-arthur" she tumbled over her own words. With a faint cough she continued, "You said you had something to say… I have something to say too." she spoke in a near instant, the usual overwhelming strength and authority in her voice nowhere to be seen.

Did she know what I was about to say?

Am I going to be rejected?

But did any of that mattered? I had come way too far to think about trivial stuff as rejection. I needed to extinguish this melancholy that dwelled in my heart like a permanent curse, sapping my life force bit by bit- downing me into my grave filled with nothing but abhorrence, inch by inch.

"Go on." I said, my heart picking up pace, waiting tepidly as anxiety and excitement both gnawed at me. She walked in my direction while I just rested my back against the balustrade that extended around the four corners of the scopic terrace. She walked and stood beside me. Her hands gripped the railing as her eyes scanned the crashing and thundering waves glistening under the moonlight.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" She asked. It was a random question, unlike her usual self which only asked formal questions and focused on work, missions and battle plans. It was like she needed it too. A temporary escape from this hell we've been shoved in.

"Yeah it is." I replied. However, the answer wasn't a compliment for the moonlit sea- no it wasn't. Or rather I couldn't compliment it because my eyes never left her sight. "It's really beautiful." I continued, her head turned in my direction.

She looked at me with a small smile but soon realised what I meant. A wave of crimson flushed her face as well as mine. We stood there just averting our gazes, the silence lingering comfortably among us.

"So, what was it?" I asked, "you surely didn't want to compliment the sea alone."

"Hmm," She hummed, taking an elongated step as she got a little closer, "I was but I surely wasn't expecting you to compliment me." She said in a tone similar to mine, mocking me. The corner of her lips twitched into a smirk.

"Couldn't help it." I blurted out, not knowing anything I was talking about. I just knew I was talking. My mind raced to different scenarios everytime the distance became less. There was a visible grace in even the subtlest of movements. The smirk on her face vanished at my comment, her eyes wide as she looked intently at me. I laughed out loud at the victory in our little harmless game of teasing. It was soothing- a good contrast to our every-day life. She bursted into a fit of laughter too, her palm covering her mouth as she laughed heartily.

She wasn't the cold emotionless, detached from the world kind of person. One look at her and you could see how lovely she was. The way she laughed and tried her best to hide it, her eyes that showed so many emotions that they could inundate you in a euphoric ecstasy. I let her have her fill with laughter and me my own.

I sat down on a chair, a few steps away from where we were standing. I motioned for her to take the seat across the table. She sat on the seat nervously, her gaze nervously darting from one place to another.

"What happened?" I asked her.

"Nothing," she paused, "just surprised why you wanted to bring me on a date. Without even asking me first at that." She replied with a smirk.

"I can call Aya and Mica if you want." I replied, actually taking her words seriously.

"No need." She blurted out, her voice raising as she slammed her hands at the table making the glasses stumble and fall. "I-I'm sorry." She squealed as she started correcting the glasses. I stood at the other side of the table, flabbergasted at the sudden 180 in her behaviour.

I laughed as I helped her. Once everything settled she sat straight, her hands gripping one another as she rubbed them nervously. "Actually, I didn't want to say anything. I wanted to tell you. You said you feel like opening up to me, right?" She asked as I remembered the day I got way too carried away.

"Yeah, I do." I replied.

"It's the same for me too. It was confusing in the beginning but I think I feel the same too." She said, My heartbeat hastened. "When I was a kid…"

She started telling her story, her strict and troubled childhood, her competitive teenage, heaps of titanic expectations placed on her small shoulders. It was excruciatingly painful to hear all that. Hear all that she had been through. I couldn't help but forget my own grief and just embrace her. Give her the sense of security she needed- craved for.

A plethora of emotions flashed by on her face during the time she kept telling her life.

She turned her right leg, crossing over the other and let out a long breath. "That's all." She said, concluding the story of her whole life, filled with troubles and trials and her cursing everyone. It was funny seeing her whine at even the smallest of things despite being in much difficult times.

"So.. what about you?" She said, her eyes curiously looking at me, swirling the glass of wine left to right slightly as she looked at me through the glass. "I know you hold a lot of secrets. I want in." She said, acting out of character already, a small smile tugged on her perfectly carved lips.

"Me? Hmm… let's think." I said as I tilted my head to the side, my bangs obscuring half of my face.

"Come ooon. I just told you something I never told anyone." She said letting out a huff.

"Would you believe me if I said I was an old man in a boy's skin?" I asked, my breathing ragged, trying my best not to let my heart explode to smithereens.

"I'd be happy if that's the case." She mumbled.

"WHAT?" I almost yelled as I saw her recoil at my volume.

"N-nothing. Did you hear something?" She said, her gaze shyly fleeing from mine.

I took a deep breath, "What I'm trying to say here is that I wasn't kidding, I am an old man." I said as I saw the emotions from Varay's face squander away, her gaze sharpening at me, scrutinising me. The seriousness in my voice was enough to make her understand I wasn't joking around. Her features tightened. It pained my heart to no end to see her look at me with that look in those eyes which I had come to adore so much, but it was an absolute necessity.

"I'm listening." She said, her voice returning to her usual "public" one.

'sigh'

"It all started when I came to this world…"

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I told her everything, leaving nothing in the process, down to the most excruciating detail. Her expressions remained the same throughout the entire time. I couldn't tell if she was mad at me or straight out disgusted with me.

Time for the final bombshell.

I took in a laborious breath, ignoring the piercing pain in my heart.

"And…" I paused as I saw Varay lift her head to look at me. "I don't know what this is exactly. You must be disgusted with me- I don't want to burden you by telling you this, but I don't think I'd be able to hide it anymore." I said as a small frown formed on her face.

"I like- no, I think I love you. I don't know how it happened or how. But, that's the truth. And it won't change. You can curse me all you want, berate me, I know I am a detestable person, but I still wanted to tell you this. Don't mind me." I said. I turned around to leave, knowing I won't be able to bear the brunt of a single one of her words.

"Wait." I heard her call, my feet froze to the ground, my body petrified.

"You say you were 40 when you died, right?" she asked, still sitting at her spot.

"Yeah." I replied, ashamed of myself.

"You know I was always conscious of our age difference" she replied as she stood up. She took a step towards me,

Conscious?

Why is she conscious of our age difference?

"I always used to berate myself whenever the mere thought crossed my mind. It was hellish." She spat,

Why?

What does the age difference have to do with her berating herself?

Why is she doing that in the first place?

"Every day was agonising. But I've never felt so happy before."

Huh…. Happy?

She got even closer. My head dropped down at her approaching figure unable to meet them. To say I was perplexed would be an understatement. I was hearing her every word, the entirety of my focus fixed on her and just her. Her sweet yet firm voice was the hub- nucleus of my mind.

"You see," She paused, a slight hesitation in her voice, "I always hated myself to harbour something despite you being so younger than me," she paused once again, letting the full weight of her words on my shoulders. My emotions overwhelmed me, like being crushed, brutalised under a titanic mountain. She stopped in front of me, my eyes glued to her black flat sandals making her stand a head shorter than me. Her hands slowly ascended up and wrapped around my neck.

"You've suffered enough. There's no need to make yourself suffer even more by tying yourself down." Her warm breath fell on my ear- a tremor went through my body as I felt the hot and hitched breath on my neck and ear. My heart skipped a beat, tears welling up already. I felt so welcomed. Despite her frame looking so weak, she looked like my ideal dwelling. A comforting feeling coursed through my entire body as I hugged her back, my hand slowly, hesitatingly wrapping around her lean waist. Lowering my head I rested it on her shoulder, burying my face in it.

"I love you too." She said (and i died)(LMAO, sorry I'll stop soiling the mood now).

"What?" I asked, doubting my own ears. But the answer never came, instead her grip on me tightened as a warm sensation spread over my lips. I felt my lower lip being pressed between warm marshmallows.

(A/n IK random but bear with it. I swear to GOD these author notes are going to spoil the mood so much lol, SUFFER)

I looked at her, my eyes wide opened as I saw her eyes look at me for a brief moment, her eyes screaming, pleading not to let go. To give her the sense of security she needed, just as she had given me the acceptance I yearned for so much. I kissed her back softly, pulling her in. She closed her eyes finally and tilted her head deepening it as she fed hungrily on the kiss, satiating her hunger for genuine love.

It was a long soothing one- not an aggressive one. It was subtle, her lips felt like cherry blossoms- fragile, velvety smooth, ready to break at a moment's notice. She lowered, no longer standing on her toes as she broke the kiss. She was about to unwrap her hands around me when suddenly moved, like a reflex. My grip on her tightened as I felt her bosoms crash against my chest,

"Don't go." I whimpered. It was all I was able to manage. I didn't want her to let go, let go of this warmth, let go of this sense of belonging she gave me. I had lost all my strength when she reciprocated my feelings but all of that strength returned to me when she hugged me. She became my necessity in the mere span of a few seconds.

She patted my head, ruffling my hair as she hugged me back again, "Thanks for saying that," she giggled, "I didn't want to let go too." She said as a wave of relief washed over me.

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NSFW (a few days later)

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".....tell me if it hurts"

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"-ahh"

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"Does it hurt?" he asked me, worry evident on his face despite most of his features hidden behind a curtain of auburn.

.

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"Did you even start?" I teased, suppressing the pain and pleasure that clashed with each other in a violent storm. His jaw clenched,

"I'll make you eat those words." He whispered in my ear, making me worry for my own well being. What have I done

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(A/n There will be no smut,:)

Some of you might know I am an ACCA intern and I study too. From the past few days I have been pushing myself so much, neglecting myself that I am finally done (RIP me). The time to go back to my home country is here and my last days at my job are nigh too.

So I will be taking a break to spend some time with my family, who I seem to have forgotten that they even exist. (RIP x2)

The update maybe next week. Next chapter will be the last chapter of Art x Varay, and don't expect anything good from me. I am going to vent my close-doored depression into it.

Well, that's all. See ya next week or maybe even later.

Sayonara)