Chapter 1: Mourning

As expected, the ride to wherever my sister is taking me is quiet. She didn't even bother turning on the stereo for our mutual benefit. She tapped on the steering wheel, her brows furrowed in concentration.

It's the day after my birthday and the city is covered with Christmas decors in varying colors. The weather's already cold but the snow isn't coming yet until December. I hope I could leave this place before the first snowflake reach the Earth. Not snow. Or ice. Not again.

We passed a certain coffee shop and I flinched.

"I'm sorry." Dara spoke from the driver's side. "I forgot we'll pass that--"

"It's fine," I mumbled, burying myself on the shotgun seat of her car. "I'm just tired." But then that's a lie. I just can't bear looking at familiar places anymore. Or even go and visit them.

She threw me a quick glance. "Chanyeol, you might as well shave before you face that therapist." she stopped for a spotlight and grabbed a pack from a compartment. "Here. I bought that yesterday." She placed the pack on my lap but I ignored it.

I rolled my eyes and traced the stubble that's beginning to cover the side of my jaw. "Dara, I am fine." I said firmly. "You don't have to take care of me."

"We both know you're never fine, Yeol." she hissed. "You celebrated your birthday alone, you won't answer Mom and Dad's calls, you don't leave your apartment, you're not allowing me to introduce you to some new friends--"

I threw her a glare. "So you think a random hook up could help me? Or a therapist?"

Slowly, she reached for my arm. "Chan, I'm just trying to help you," she whispered. "You need to open up to someone... You need to talk to someone about your feelings..."

"Well, I only want to open up to one person," I said through gritted teeth. "And that someone is gone, Dara. When will you guys get that?"

Her eyes flashed the most pain for once and I looked back at the windows just as the stoplight turned green. We sped pass different buildings and different people going on with their lives.

How could I be here? How I could be trapped here unlike them?

I could be that guy, laughing while talking to the phone. I could be that teenager walking down the street with his headphones on. I could be anyone but this red-haired guy who got left during his own wedding and the only person he ever loved died running away from him.

I could be anyone but myself. Damn it.

"Chanyeol, please just... do this for me," my sister suddenly said, breaking yet another silence. "If you go on this two-hour session, I'll leave you alone. I'll stop trying to fix everything. Just please..."

I gestured to myself. "That's why I'm here."

The therapist is a young, kind-looking guy named Kim Jun-myeon. He's older than me but doesn't appear intimidating or what. He led me to his study, a small room with carpeted walls and floor, and let me sit on a very comfortable leather chair.

Jun-myeon sat across from me, a safe two meter distance away. "Mr. Park Chanyeol," he smiled, glancing at the clipboard he's holding. "Your sister says... you need help?"

"They believe I need help." I said, sighing. "But I don't think they're right."

"How is that?" the therapist asked, smiling still. But by the looks of it, he's studying me so closely, writing some things on the paper he's holding. Probably noting the things totally wrong with me.

I totally believe consulting a therapist is nuts. But my sister's waiting for me outside and I don't think I could ever escape her hawk-like guard.

"I'm not killing myself. I didn't try to jump on the top of a building or break my head on the floor or torture myself with blades." I sat back on the chair, trying to relax. "I'm completely fine. I don't need this session with you."

Jun-myeon smiled tightly and he leaned unto one arm. "Your fiance died." he said in a low, consoling voice.

My jaw clenched and I felt my hand tighten around the sofa. "Yes," I whispered. "He did."

He nods. "Mind telling me about him first?"

Honestly, I don't know how talking about my late fiance would ever solve this 'problem' my friends and family are talking about. But for some reason, talking about him again, like he's still alive and breathing and waiting for me, suddenly draped a confusing sense of comfort on me.

I let my gaze drop on the floor. "His name's Byun Baekhyun." I started and even saying his name make my heart pound furiously. "He's a preschool teacher and I met him at a coffee shop, BitterSweet. It's the one we passed on our way here. I saw him reading an English novel while sipping from his own cup of cafe mocha."

"So Baekhyun likes coffee?" Jun-myeon smiled.

"Yeah," I said and let my lips form into a small smile, but even smiling hurts now. "He says teaching small, unruly students really require more than two shots. I talked to him that day because he's sitting on my favorite spot on that cafe. The shop was packed with people and he wasn't sitting with anyone... so I approached him and we started to talk."

"He might be really good-looking." he mused.

"He's... gorgeous." I whispered, finding myself back to the memory of meeting his wide, brown eyes that would always make his expressions and thoughts readable. The way his lips twisted into a smile that reaches the sides of his eyes. And the very first time he said the simplest, most joyful 'Hello!' I ever heard.

Another question pierced my ears. "What's his personality?"

For once, I tried to think of something negative. Something that would probably make me hate myself less... something that would make me feel less guilty.

"Baekhyun's just really happy about everything," I murmured, still looking at the floor. "He would meet a girl trying to flirt with me and he would befriend her until she would be the one to shy away because my boyfriend's too kind. He's understanding, too. He understands everything about us. He doesn't demand things he knows I could never give him."

"You're a photographer?" Jun-myeon asked and I nodded.

"I'm a travel photographer." I said. "I travel to places and stay there for a few days or weeks. I'm working for a travel magazine, that's why."

"Seems like a teacher and a photographer isn't a usual match." he pointed out.

I touched the back of my neck, forcing myself to stay calm. "We tried to work things out between us," I murmured. "Baekhyun was so... cool about everything. He doesn't complain if I don't attend an activity in their school. He wouldn't get mad if I extend a trip, causing a major change in our own schedule as a couple. But... he would always be there when I needed him. Always."

Slowly, I shook my head, pursing my lips to keep myself from saying words that could lead me to a breakdown. "I was about to marry the perfect guy, Jun-myeon." I whispered. "And I let him go."

"He was a keeper, yes." Jun-myeon said. "But sometimes, some things are just not meant for each other. No matter how perfect we think they are."

I nodded, but half of me doesn't want to agree. "That's what I started to tell myself after his car slipped on the ice and fall into a cliff," I said in a controlled voice. "He had given me more than two chances to make everything right between the two of us. Maybe... I really deserve to never be okay again."

"Chanyeol---"

But I'm already on my feet, grabbing my coat from a rack. Jun-myeon tried to stop me but I continued on my way, opening the door to find my sister reading a magazine on a couch. She looked up when the door shut behind me.

"I'm leaving," I announced, turning away from her and walking down the corridors of the building. Maybe I could grab a cab and just move away from here. Maybe keep myself inside my apartment, watching movies I already watched before.

Within seconds, I felt Dara's hand grab my arm. "Chanyeol!" she hissed. "You listen to me!"

"Just leave me alone." I murmured, shrugging her hand away. " I just want to be alone... Please."

"You're alone for a fcking long time already, Chan!" she shouted, pulling me so I could look at her. "Baekhyun's gone for two years! Two whole fcking years! Please! Move on! Stop mourning over him!"

"How could I stop?!" I shouted back, glaring down at her. "He left because of me, Dara! He died because he knew I would never have the guts to choose him over myself! He died because of me and my stupid decisions! He died because I didn't love him enough! I deserve this, okay?! I deserve all of this!"

My heart was pounding heavily inside my chest and when I looked down, I felt tears. It was always the same pain... the same old pain brought by that day two years ago.

And I never knew such pain could be this lethal.

"I deserve to be dead inside..." I whispered just as the tears started to fall. "I killed him. I killed the one who loved me more than anything else. I let him die, Dara... And now I'm suffering and I know I deserve it."

Gently, my sister pulled me into a hug.

But somehow, no such comfort could fill the deep, dark hollow Byun Baekhyun left.