Chapter 4 A surprise birthday!

When Shania woke up that beautiful Thursday, she had no idea what was in store for her.

To begin with, everything was perfect for anything unusual to happen again.

It was one of those days when someone feels good.

For the first time in the history of who knows when, her mother made lunch for her with so much love and affection - this she'd always longed for.

***

She huddled under the covers of her mother's embrace and held her breath as her mother whispered softly.

"Happy birthday, Sunshine."

Her nose burned in the frigid air, and she squinted against the sun reflecting off the car window.

It seemed like one of those her fantasies that could never be real. She could be dreaming again.

She slowly pinched herself. It did hurt her. It was real this time.

She'd even forgotten it was her own birthday.

It was her birthday!

"On this special day, I only wish you the best life offers."

She pulled back from her mother's embrace.

Shania stared at her mom; her eyes becoming teary.

In as much as she wanted to cleave on to her mother's newfound love, a part of her was holding on to something that she was supposed to let go of.

"Thank you mom."

She opened the door to alight from the car then she stopped.

Maybe she hadn't heard correctly.

Did her mother say it?

But most of all, did she mean it?

"I love you, my dear. No one will ever take your place in my heart,"she repeated.

Shania looked back at her mom. She suddenly felt empty yet heavy.

"I...I love you too, mom,"she stuttered as the words refused to come out.

She'd never known she even existed in somebody's heart.

It was long ago she suppressed the feeling to belong; she would simply carry her life on without waiting for anybody's acknowledgement.

She picked her lunch pack and walked into the school.

****

"You called for me, counselor,"Shania peered.

She stepped into the office.

"Sit,"

Counselor Lydia passed her some attitude test sheets.

"What's this?"Shania mumbled under her breath. She pursed her lips sulkily.

Counselor Lydia looked up at her.

"Miss Jimmy, I heard that."

She gave a shaky exhale.

"I'm sorry, ma."

Shania chewed on her pencil.

"I think those test sheets won't work out. Let's have a conversation then."

"What are your biggest fears?"counselor Lydia asked. She looked at her intently.

"Biggest fears?"Shania retorted.

She stared into nothing.

"What are my biggest fears?"she asked herself thoughtfully.

She kept quiet for a moment.

"The fear of becoming a failure?"counselor Lydia chipped in.

Shania gave an exasperated sigh.

Deep down, it wasn't just the fear of becoming a failure... it was more like the fear of being criticised because of a mistake you've made... that fear of being abandoned and alone.

An unusual silence lingered.

Counselor Lydia leaned forward.

"Why do you like being the best?"

"Don't take it personally, your attitude attracted my attention."

Shania remained silent.

The best?

Who didn't want to be the best?

There was no room for being a mediocre in her family.

"When I'm the best, it feels good. It's what I've always been. It's what I do, it's what I'm used to. I'm good at it and it comes easily to me. Being the best is rewarding and I really work hard for it. It's my identity."

Counselor Lydia coughed.

"That sounds cocky."

Shania rolled her eyes and arched her brows.

"Besides, what's wrong with trying to do things right?"

Counselor Lydia closed the book on her table.

She blinked longer than expected.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with that."

"But something is wrong when you wear yourself out trying to be the best."

"I know the normal words: I was born to be the best, number one and nothing less..."

Shania's voice was suddenly high-pitched; a voice of denial immediately arose inside her.

"If I can't live up to the perfect ideal, why try at all?"

Counselor Lydia took a deep breath and let it out in a shaky exhale, and slightly hesitating in speech, she continued again.

"This is where you're mistaken. Perfectionists labor under the illusion that mistakes should never be made. Really, though, that viewpoint is flawed."

"Doing your best and being a perfectionist are two different things; one is balanced and the other is not."

"The fact is, few people ever succeed at being the best. And even when a person does, it's usually just a matter of time before someone comes along who performs better."

"Miss Jimmy, I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm only trying to make you see things better.

Success means doing your best - not outdoing someone else's."

"Admittedly, it may not be easy for you to handle doing a less-than-perfect job. But make a conscious effort to push negative, critical thoughts out of your mind."

Shania paused for a moment.

Deep down, she didn't want to believe counselor Lydia.

Her father had carved it in her heart that a failure wasn't important and would never be.

How would people see her if she failed?

Or most of all, if she didn't outdo another person's best like her father had always demanded?

"People won't respect me if I fail...if I'm less than the best,"Shania voiced out.

"It's alright to fail. Failing doesn't mean it's the end. Giving up means it's the end. When you fall, get up. Even the bottom feeders in every class are respected. Or do you think they don't matter?"

Shania didn't answer.

What was she supposed to say?

That the bottom feeders mattered? Maybe it was the truth but she won't matter if she failed.

She won't matter if she was less than the best.

"They matter. They matter regardless of the scores on their sheets. Shania, even if you fail, you still matter because you're a human being."

*****

The time ticked by as the afternoon sunlight fell on Shania's face.

She licked her lips in relish and laughed with a crisp sound.

"Why are you smiling?"Jane asked, her face pale and her flushed cheeks obvious.

Shania didn't speak. Her face could tell it all.

The rice texture got the right amount of chewiness and the broth was rich and savory.

She sighed in absolute satisfaction.

Her mom was such a great cook!

*****

Shania arrived home earlier. She wanted to take her credit card.

She wasn't a spendthrift, but she wanted to splurge for once.

Besides, it was her birthday.

She had this planned; the list of things to buy, places to visit, activities to participate in.

She would do the things she wanted.

All her life, she was forced to do things with her sister; it didn't have to matter if she liked it or not.

Her father would force her to ride the merry-go-round with Cecil and watch the horror movies with her too.

Today, she would buy her favorite blue colored polo.

She would purchase all the butterscotch flavored ice cream she finds at the mall.

She would ride the horse.

She would swim.

She would play games and go to the cinema to see a romance movie.

She had been a fan of a popular romance actress since she was 14.

She had spent almost all her life for others yet they would call her small-minded and not generous enough.

She wouldn't live her life to please others, not anymore.

She would break out.

This was surely going to be the best seventeenth birthday ever.