Afterlife and Rebirth

I felt like I had just woken from a deep sleep.

My entire body felt weightless, and my thoughts were a mess. 

The last thing I remembered was...

'Dying.'

Yes, I died I'm sure, there's no surviving three gunshots to the chest, especially after the last one which he had targeted my heart with.

Besides I doubted I would have received any help for quite some time had I lived.

So where was I? What is this place? 

Could I even call it a place? After all, the only thing I saw was never-ending darkness.

The dark seemed impenetrable almost as if not even the slightest bit of light existed in this place. 

'Is this the afterlife?'

If it was then it was far from the preconceived notions of heaven or hell.

No blazing inferno, no pearly gates and it didn't seem like I was going to be reincarnated either. 

After all, I was still me, I could still think. 

Although it seemed stupid, to verify I reminded myself of basic things about myself and my life, such as name, occupation, hobbies, appeara- wait.

I couldn't remember what I looked like.

My eye color, my hair, my build... nothing.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't recall the slightest detail about my physical appearance. 

'Am I losing my memories?'

Maybe this was a part of the reincarnation process, I would slowly lose my memories before becoming a blank slate. 

I felt sudden fear, I was never proud of who I was, but I certainly didn't want to lose it in such a slow and excruciating manner.

I tried to recite details from my life as if I was trying to memorize it, but I realized-

I had no voice to speak with, now that I think about it, I had no sensation of touch either, I couldn't taste or hear and the only thing I 'saw' was unending darkness.

Fear took hold as I realized I could do nothing but think.

So, I kept thinking about my previous life in some hope that it would preserve my sense of self.

Eventually as I thought about my life I thought of my hobbies and in a desperate attempt recalled the plot of my favorite novel. 

However, to my surprise I remembered it clearly, in fact I could list out the major events of such a large novel from the beginning. 

The realization was a bit like a cruel joke, I forgot myself but remembered the novel? 

However, as I felt time pass, nothing happened. 

There was no change in my mental state, I recalled everything except my physical appearance. 

There was no change in the 'surroundings' either, as it stayed a constant sea of pure darkness.

'....'

No.

This is worse than forgetting. 

How long do I have to be here?

Is this it? My afterlife? Will I spend the rest of eternity here?

I can't accept that.

I may not forget but there's no doubt that I'll go insane here.

Please. 

I don't deserve this. 

Do I?

I did nothing bad; I hadn't even hurt anyone physically in my life before Derek.

I was tormented by my father, but I never retaliated against him. 

His death was his fault, and I can't be blamed for feeling relieved once he passed.

However, I did nothing good either.

I was so focused on surviving that I had no time to be virtuous. 

 But is this really fitting punishment for that? 

'.....'

Who am I trying to convince? I thought bitterly. 

Nothing had changed and it didn't look like it was going to. 

I didn't know how much time had passed but it felt like an eternity. 

My thoughts were nothing but random chatter, to keep myself sane as I fell more and more into hopelessness.

*ZRRRRT*

I was startled by the first thing I'd hear in a long time, the sound of something tearing apart. 

In front of me the darkness had slightly parted giving way to a small ray of light. 

It felt blinding but I continued to look at it as the tear grew, parting the sea of darkness until the light formed what appeared to be a doorway. 

I inspected the change with reignited hope but noticed that a substantial darkness still stood between the door.

Driven by desperation I willed to move closer to the door, and to my surprise I did the, as the light grew closer to me.

As if my growing desperation proved to be working the door of light came closer at rapidly growing speeds until-

I stood right next to the door. 

There was nothing to signify there was something on the other side but either by desperation or instinct I was aware that crossing this door meant leaving this place.

There was no need for hesitation as I willed myself to cross through the door.

For a moment I felt even my consciousness slipping, my mind hazy and my thoughts blurring as I wondered if this was true death.

Just as I was about to lose my grip, everything returned to normal, and I opened my eyes. 

In front of me an odd scene once again as I saw what looked to be the interior of a cathedral with church pews arranged in an orderly fashion with a walkway in between and black marble walls with stained glass paintings surrounding me. 

Most importantly, I felt my legs make contact with a cool surface, and I could feel the weight of my body again, clasping my hands together to ensure the sensation of touch was real. 

I clapped ensuring I had hearing and swallowed saliva to ensure I had taste. 

After confirming my five senses were in order, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. 

I truly had escaped from that place. 

I took a deep breath before deciding to explore my new surroundings.