Just Me

It made me laugh how some things never change. The confidence that I had before all this seems so laughable. I was somewhat confident that I could get through protecting Yua. I did manage to dodge that first shot. Thing was that the second and third shot did me in.

Odd that I was back near a riverbank again.

[Health: 0]

[Status: Near-death]

I stared at my health bar that went down to that zero. I don't know why I was barely hanging on. I watched my body get taken to the back of a fucking trunk then carried near the river with a gasoline can ready to burn me.

"Man, that bitch killed many of us."

"They got away. Good thing that we got some information first. If they haven't sold the information. Doubt it would have been easy for us."

"You call this easy? Many got killed by that woman alone."

"And good thing that we took down this fucker first."

"Sure he was even a fighter?"

"Well, that woman named Leiko did assist us. Told us what the fucker can do in close combat. Glad that we got him. Fucker dodged the first shot. If we didn't expect him. Who knows what kind of trouble we would have?"

"Doesn't sit right to me, man. Killing someone in front of a child."

"I get you. Who knows what they are going to do to her. Not fond of capturing kids."

Hearing the name Leiko made me laugh inwardly. Of course, who else would have a fucking grudge on me other than that bitch. I have forgotten that even in those profiles she was said to have the habit of keeping deep grudges. She didn't leave Jisoo alone and I was dumb and naive enough to think that she would leave me alone for beating her half to death. Makes me wonder why she made a fucking emphasize to make as terrible as I could be.

I should have been smarter than this.

It makes me fucking laugh how delusional I was. Who in their right mind would not keep a grudge like that? Then again, I wasn't that right in the head that time.

"The cleanup is going to be a fucking mess."

"Well, we're lucky that we'll have to just clean this body. Then we get to go home."

"Feel sorry for the fuckers in-charge of cleaning the others."

[Health: 1+]

[Status: Second Wind]

Seeing that on my status. I quietly drew a gun from my inventory wheel and shot them while they were still talking. They both fell sideward and I remained on the ground staring at the sky. I was feeling despondent. I feel like shit.

I touched my chest. There are no wounds and the bullets had already fallen. Took me a while to finally get rid of my unconscious status. I did had control of my body after they put me into the trunk.

Fellas made sure that I was dead by triple tapping me. Thing is that I am at my peak human strength. There are benefits such as perks that allow me to get a second wind and recover from a critical injury as long as my brain wasn't directly hit. Headshots are my end.

Thing was that this taught me a lesson that my perks aren't easily triggered unless it was needed. So knowing that I have Second Wind made me somewhat glad. So fucking glad to be still alive. Made me realize that even with my body getting thrown to a fucking third-person view. Even if I am fast enough to dodge one shot. As long as I'm not fully in control. I'd get shot.

Arrogance is one thing. But I guess letting go of people who you beat almost to near-death isn't exactly the right thing to do. It was half-assed. It was overconfidence to a frightful degree.

But at the same time I found this terrible feeling in my chest. Knowing that I have a second wind made that awful desire in my heart lit up. It wasn't resurrection, but it was still enough to make me feel like I have assurance.

It made me laugh. It made me so ecstatic and happy to the point that I wanted to dance around despite the terribleness that just happened to me. I feel something in my head snapping. That last bit of shit holding me from enjoying the world that I am in.

Assurance is one hell of a drug.

And knowing that I could survive made me livid with joy. I feel like I've taken the best fucking drug in the world. It was euphoric and at the same time it was an eye opening experience to me.

One way or another I find myself back near a river. Last time they almost drowned this body. And now I was close to being burnt. It wasn't just me. I guess I wanted to pay respects to the ambitionless Nikolai who wanted nothing other than a secure way of life. I tried living it. I tried not succumbing to that fucking path that all arrows in my head are pointing me to.

Unfortunately the result is clear.

If you want to be left alone. Make it clear that you're the kind of bastard that people want to leave alone. I tried. I did. Tried to be somewhat peaceful. Tried to be a fucking pacifist for you, Nik. Thing is that it ain't easy knowing what this world fucking is.

I feel so idiotic thinking that maybe I could just avoid all of the bullshit coming my way. The fucking rod stab glass shards on my fucking back. And even Yua comes looking for us in trouble. Maybe I could have done something else. Skipped out of this region. Out of this city. But knowing what was coming!?

I didn't act.

I feel evil.

Apathy is evil.

The inability to not to act in the face of evil is evil itself.

I was mad at myself for letting this world and its people fuck me over. But at the same time there was this inherent sadness in me that was telling me that I could never follow Nik's way.

I succumbed to his kindness and rage. Because I already know that in a way this was my second chance in life. A young body that didn't experience the awfulness of time. Filled with the ability to allow me to do what I want.

What kind of idiot would let his second chance go? Ambitions, goals, and the desire to be on the top of the fucking world is nice. But I had tried that path before and had fallen hard. I don't even know why I was in this world.

I wanted to cherish the second chance in life. What's so wrong with that? I got a lot of shit in the past. Fucked up my chances. Did so many wrong things that made me like the semi calm life that I have.

You know what it takes to kill every motivation in life?

Being dead.

Always tried to reach for the stars. Always did awful things back in the past. Being a programmer and a debt collection agent. Always wanted to get something that made me realize that I already was too late in getting what I wanted.

To be low-profile. To just appreciate what I have. I started my new life here by being shot and thrown down a goddamn river and you expect me to go reach for the fucking stars again? Without the assurance that I have a way out of any trouble.

Experiencing that, do you really still want to go through all that bullshit? But I kept on getting dragged on by my own desires. If I didn't act on things. If I stayed away. Maybe I would have fared better.

The reasonable part in me wanted to be safe. What's so wrong with wanting to stay alive? What's so wrong about giving people their second chances?

They aren't me.

And yet here I am thinking that I'm a goddamn fool for letting that bitch Leiko stay alive. I underestimated her. No, I overestimated my belief that giving people a proper beating would stop them from holding grudges. She was borrowing a knife to kill me and that there won't be any consequences for her.

It's a mess. I should have seen this coming, but I'm too retarded. I didn't have that reputation. And I already had a case of being shot by the Lintons. So it made sense why she wasn't that intimidated by me. I guess she really is so thirsty for my Jisoo that she'll do anything to get rid of me. She took her time and she got me. She would have succeeded without any soul knowing that she was the one who leaked our location. Of course the bitch would know where the safehouse is. I should have known better. Done better. Thought far more deeply instead of just letting them win by doing nothing.

I was far from the city. I thought folk would come looking after I shot my gun. But I guess no one heard. I searched for the two who were going to burn me. Stole their wallets and then pocketed their ammunition for good measure.

I didn't want to be found out so I smashed one of their heads with a stomp of my foot. Then I used the guy's clothes whose head I smashed and made him wear my clothes.

After that I sent a message from the other guy that there was a mishap and that I was looking for the rendezvous point. After a few minutes I got my reply and marked their location.

I took the can of gasoline that they were planning to use on me and then stored it in my inventory wheel. After that, I wore the digital mask that the guy was wearing and drove to their location.

***

Leiko held on to their mobile while waiting for news. She heard that they were going to burn that asshole so she wanted to see it for herself. But knowing that they already have sent him to his grave made Leiko quite confident.

For now she waited alongside her fellow mercs. The 500k bounty on Yua Takemura was a secondary goal to her. But nonetheless she wasn't expecting these fools to catch her Jisoo. No way that they have the skill.

Although she was glad that they didn't get her. She was pleased that the bastard who beat her near death and stole Jisoo from her was gone. She almost wanted to do a celebration but the bitches near her didn't want to let go until they were all clear.

The situation in Pacifica and the regional cities are quite chaotic. There was a race on who wanted to be at the top. Everyone wanted something. There was a need for mercs like her in this time. There was something happening and she wanted to be part of it.

"Glad that asshole's dead," she rubbed her jaw. She had it healed and yet there was still lingering damage on her body that proved hard to heal. The months she spent healing herself was a pain.

"Hey, you that cleaner, why the fuck are you here--"

Multiple gunshots rang. Leiko blinked and saw that most of the crew she was with had their heads shot. She saw one of the cleaners who they hired approaching her. She pounced on the guy like a maddened predator only for her eye to catch the guy's fist smashing on her jaw.

She tried to adjust her bearing when a kick was dropped on the back of her head. She tried to move away only to feel like she had lost control of her limbs.

She had been shot on the spine. She couldn't feel her limbs. She couldn't move. Fear covered her. She was turned around. Then she saw the cleaner taking off his digital mask.

The cold fury on his stolid face. It was a face that Leiko wouldn't forget so easily.

"Y-you!?"

"I told you to stay away from me. No more second chances. I'm not making that mistake."

He pulled on the trigger.

Her mind went black.

***

I pulled the trigger on my pistol again. I shot her head and her heart so even an augmented mutate like her shouldn't recover. I searched her pockets and then checked on the clients that she had. Looks like the ones who were eager to kill us were in Karagi.

I took out the can of gasoline from my inventory wheel and drenched the whole building they were staying in with it. After leaving a trail of gasoline I lit the trail and walked away from the building. Using my hook-bracer to climb on the edge of the building. Throwing the digital mask away, I looked at the burning building.

I felt bad.

But at the same time that assurance brought by my second wind made me feel stupidly free. Nikolai Orlov, the one who lived in this world, wasn't someone who'd dipped himself in this kind of sinkhole. And yet he died because of this sinkhole. I tried to honor this body. I tried to make sure that I don't waste the second chance.

Even though it isn't resurrection.

It was enough to make me feel like that one thing holding me back was gone. I told myself that having such a safety net or an assurance like this would do something to me.

And it really did.

I couldn't live like the Nikolai who I inherited this body from. I couldn't be the guy who was fine just killing the fucker who pulled the trigger on him.

I sat still.

Nikolai Orlov died today.

He didn't yet when they shot him and threw him off the river. He persisted like a lingering ghost inside someone who had taken control. Always influencing. Being honored by the one in control.

But today Nikolai Orlov died truly.

And it was I who had taken control of his body now had killed him by truly putting my foot down on the sinkhole that had avoided all of his life.. All that was good in Nikolai Orlov. As the student who worked in the docks instead of going down the wrong path died today.

As the student who simply wanted to work hard and make do with his normal life.

I tried living some of his life while not abandoning my own.

I really did try.

But I forgot where I was.

And after today I knew that my soul mattered to me more than the soul of the one that had already died that day when I woke up to his body.

I tried to live with that lingering conscience.

I tried to live as if we had become one.

But when two souls are in conflict.

I know whose soul I want to save.

And today, I truly killed the 'Nikolai Orlov' who died that day.

And today, the one who walked away was only me.

Just me.