Her Fears

Jisoo found herself awake in the evening. She sat on her bed and looked at her side. Nik was sleeping topless. It felt somewhat cold so she reached out to her brassiere and wore them. She quietly sat on the table. She brought out her mobile. Her wallpaper has a picture of the two of them. It has been a long time since the two of them got together. Although it was pretty sudden, she appreciated the way it started. She was guilty about making use of him, but somehow he also managed to worm his way in her heart.

Was he using tricks? Even if he did, she didn't mind. It didn't take long for her to get fooled. She knew she was being fooled and yet she couldn't help it. She was not a veteran of the heart. And her last relationship with Leiko ended so sourly that it almost froze her heart.

There was someone who could share the pain. That was good enough for her. And yet thinking back to what he did. His natural movement to shield her as glasses pierces his back. It scared her. It made her think that he was serious about them. If not then why would he do that? She found her gaze on Niko who was sleeping soundly as if the whole thing was no bother.

It bothers her. It is almost an insult to her. Even Leiko did not dare to think of protecting her. No, Leiko believes that she does not need it. She believes that she is infallible to the point that it is delusional.

She is not.

She knows that she is not so perfect. The flaws in her heart and mind not allowing me to truly think that this might be it. That maybe this relationship would last longer than she thought it would. She found it unnatural and yet natural at the same time. Doubts and fears that she didn't think about for the time they spent popping into her mind. She didn't like that passivity that Nik had. And yet she also knew that her Nik only acts when there is benefit to it. She has seen his records. Her partner could focus on things and she was sure that he could do it.

But that lack of ambition. She found it disagreeing and at the same time better than some of those he knew. No one is so willing to stay in one place. She was sure that he would agree to it. He has little care. She has tested him some times and there are times where she found his actions somewhat disapproving.

And yet despite that she found him agreeable to the point that she has been letting him into her heart. It was supposed to be quite easy. Just thinking that this is nothing more than a fling that might not even last.

She felt silly. Thinking all of this despite wearing only her undergarments and still feeling sore. She looks outside, then mindlessly browses on the photos she had taken. If anyone in her clan could see this. They would wonder who she was.

Revenge didn't mean shit. Butchering those folks didn't give her that relief. That satisfaction that comes after it. She felt only strange. Unable to understand or know when to move on to another part of her life.

She scratched her head, unable to understand herself. She leaned on the table of her kitchen, pressed her cheek on the glass and thought it over once more. She thought that it would be quite something. She had her fantasies on how it would happen, but to think that she would somewhat just accept it while mulling over her kitchen while wearing only her underwear.

Jisoo almost wanted to punish herself for her silly thoughts. "Girl, you already went so far, why are you so scared, so silly?" She scolded herself. Then tried to suppress it once more. She enters the bathroom and faces herself. The marks on her neck and just above her shoulder blade made her blush. She found a bath sponge and wiped herself diligently then focused on healing them.

She smelled herself and thought that a bath sponge won't do it. Then decided to dip herself into the bath. Her mind somewhere else. She went back to her thoughts before somewhat remembering what happened again. She couldn't help but relieve that memory.

Oh, she truly hated it.

She loathed the thought of it, but she can't keep her mind off that memory. She found it repeating again and again that she thought that screaming inwardly and trying to remove it from her mind would work. Her heart beated faster than it should. Her cheeks burned and she found herself squeezing her legs together.

"Idiot. Foolish. Dumbass. Why would anyone do that? Are you a fool? Yes, you are a fool. But you are my fool as well. Gah, why, damn it, fine, okay, I get it. Oh girl, you've been fooled."

She cursed in a low voice before dipping half of her head in the bath. She rubbed the side of her head again. Then leans back on the bathtub while looking so defeated.

As if accepting that it can't be helped. Nonetheless, her mind went to her partner sleeping in their bedroom. Although she felt defeated by her own mind and heart. An unknown fear started to creep in as well. It was that same fear that made her demand him to never do that thing ever again. She didn't like the thought of it and now that she has quite a rollercoaster of thoughts so later at night. She once again decided that she should warn him again for safe measures.

As she calmed down. Jisoo found herself silent and unknowingly she quietly made a somewhat hoping prayer that it would last long. That what she had would continue on. At the same time a resolve formed in her. Losing people who are close to her. She couldn't allow that. She wouldn't allow that.

"This is all your fault," she said to no one.