09

The following weeks were uneventful. Well, not for me. Because Psyche needed to go back to Manila the day after his surprised visit. Hindi pa rin naayos ang problema nila. Although the issue has toned done pero shempre sinisiguro pa rin nila na mabalik sa normal ang lahat.

Mommy also stayed at Lola's house the reason why daddy weren't able to come home. Hanggang ngayon kasi may sama pa ng loob si daddy kay mommy. Hindi niya sinasabi pero ramdam ko.

"Astherielle" mommy called my name to get my attention.

I am at our living area scanning some notes. Bukas na magsisimula ang finals week namin kaya todo aral na ako ngayon. I looked at her and give her a questioning look. She then sat beside me, invading my personal space so I needed to move away. Her forehead creases a bit but she quickly composed herself.

"Uhm ang dami mo atang binabasa." She said.

"Yeah" I said, then looked away.

"Napaka studious naman pala ng anak ko."

I didn't responded. During her stay here, she always try to talk to me, create random topics, and asked me irrelevant questions. Pero I was distant, she's been away for years so she could not possibly expect me to act naturally infront of her.

"Manang mana ka talaga sa akin." She said proudly.

That made me looked back at her.

"No. Mana ako kay lola." Sabi ko.

"Anak naman, itsura mo palang akong ako na tapos med student ka pa. Months from now doctora na ang tawag sa'yo, just like me. You're exactly my carbon copy sweetie."

I sighed. "No I'm not. Kasi ako, hindi ko iniiwan ang mga taong mahal ko just because of an insignificant reason."

Natahimik siya. Nagbago rin ang timpla ng mukha niya. Did I hit a nerve? Does the shoe fit?

"Tell me, why did you come back? After all these years, bakit bumalik ka pa?" I asked.

I needed to ask her questions running though my mind because I want answers! Litong lito na ako kakaisip kung bakit nandito siya, bakit kung maka asta siya parang walang nangyari, kung bakit parang hindi siya nawala ng ilang taon. Hindi naman siguro siya umuwi dito para lang batiin ako diba? I know she has a motive and I want to know what that motive is.

"Asther–"

"Kasi mommy nalilito ako eh. Bumalik ka ng Pilipinas nang hindi man lang sinasabi sa amin. You made yourself comfortable in this house without being ashamed of what you did. Hindi ka ba nahihiya kay lola? Hiniwalayan mo ang anak niya noon tapos makikitira ka sa kanya ngayon?

Tell me, what is the main reason why you came back?" I asked.

She inhaled deeply, trying to deliberate the situation.

"Anak, your lola was the one who forced me to stay here. Ayoko sana kasi nahihiya ako pero pinilit niya ako–"

"At nagpapilit ka naman." I cutted her off.

"Don't cut me off like that Astherielle. I'm still your mother, so you show respect to me regardless of what I did in the past. And why are you making me feel like I cheated on your father? What happened to our marriage didn't involved cheating, it was all about self-preservation." She said.

Self... what? Preservation? Tangina dahil doon hiniwalayan niya si daddy? She didn't loose herself while being in a relationship with my father so why does she need self-preservation?

"You know what, enough about that topic. Ayoko nang balikan yun. I came here to tell you personally that I'm bringing you with me on my way back to Canada. After your graduation–"

"Wait, what?" I asked confusingly.

"Bumalik ako dito para ayusin ang lahat ng papeles mo para makapag-migrate ka na sa Canada. After your graduation anak pupunta ka agad doon. You can work at the hospital where I'm working, doon ka na rin magta'take ng exam for your license. Everything is ready, everything is working according to what I planned. Your life will get better there." She said.

I wasn't able to respond agad. She planned my life without even asking if papayag ba ako. She's always like this. Hindi niya tinatanong ang opinyon ng iba dahil kapag nakapag-plano at nakapag-decide na siya talagang masusunod ayon sa gusto niya.

"How sure are you na papayag ako sa gusto mo? How sure are you na iiwanan ko si lola at ang buhay ko dito para lang makasama ka sa Canada? How sure are you that my life isn't better even if I'm staying here in the Philippines?"

I asked calmly. Pinipigilan ko lang ang galit ko dahil ayokong mag mukhang walang respeto sa ina ko. I needed to carefully ask her so I could get the answers that I want and I needed to tell her intently what I wanted to say so I could make her understand my point of view regarding this topic.

"Is it because of a guy why you don't want to go to Canada? What was his name again? Hmm Psyche?

Anak, wag mong paikutun ang mundo mo sa isang tao. Wag mong pigilan ang sarili mo na makita ang ibang parte ng mundo dahil lamang ayaw mong iwan ang taong yan. Learn from my mistakes Astherielle." She said.

Bakit nasali si Psyche? At bakit parang hindi ko maintindihan kung saan nanggagaling ang huling mga salita na sinabi niya?

"You don't love him, diba? You only used him just so you could get away from your Lola's sermons. She wanted you to be in a relationship because she's afraid of leaving you behind kapag nawala na siya. Kaya napilitan ka na makipag-relasyon sa taong hindi mo naman talaga mahal.

But no worries my dear. Nandito na si mommy. You don't need to pretend to love someone you loathed. You don't need to act inlove just so he won't leave you kasi nandito na ako. I'll take care of everything for you. I will love you more than anyone can. I will take care of you with all my heart. So just come home with me." She said.

Gusto kong matawa sa mga pinagsasasabi niya. I wanted to laugh because of the baseless accusations she throw towards me. I wanted to laugh because of how she narrated everything. Is she really a doctor or a writer?

"Home? This is my home.

Napilitang makipag-relasyon? Where did you get that? Sino ang maysabi sa'yo niyan? I'm in a relationship with Psyche because I love him. I'm in a relationship with Psyche because whenever I'm with him, I felt peace. The same peace you took away from me when you left.

And what did you say? You'll love me more than anyone can? Are you kidding me? Sure minahal mo ako, pero you only love whenever it's convenient for you. Wala na akong pake'alam sa nangyari sa inyo ni daddy but don't you dare mess with my relationship with Psyche. You may be my mother, but I won't ever forgive you if you try to break us up."

I stood up to walk away from her. Walang patutunguhan ang pag-uusap na 'to dahil gusto niyang masunod ang mga plano niya pero hindi man lang niya tinanong sa akin kung gusto ko ba ang mga yun. I was about to take a step on the stairs when she stopped me.

"Astherielle! Listen to me cause I'm your mother! I know what's best for you–"

"What's best for me is to let me decide kung ano talaga ang gusto ko!

How dare you show yourself and plan for my life?! After all those years magpapakita ka para lang sabihin kung ano ang gusto mong mangyari? Those things aren't what's best for me! All of those are in favor of you, of what's best for you!

Ni hindi mo man lang tinanong kung kumusta na ako. Kung kaya ko pa ba. Ni hindi ka man lang nag'sorry sa pang-iiwan mo sa akin. Isang... kumusta ka na anak, isang... sorry anak tatanggapin ko. Pero hindi, kasi hindi naman yun ang ipinunta mo dito diba? Iba ang motibo mo."

I wipped my tears. Ilang taon na pero ngayon ko lang nailabas ang sama ng loob ko. Ilang taon na ang nakalipas pero ngayon lang ulit ako umiyak ng ganito.

"And I'm sorry because what you wanted will never happen. Hindi ko iiwan si lola kasi siya lang yung nag-alaga sa akin sa mga panahong ini'enjoy mo ang kalayaan mo. Hindi ko iiwan si daddy kasi kahit hindi siya perpektong ama, at least ginawa niya pa rin ang lahat para maging mabuting ama sa akin.

At hindi ko iiwan si Psyche, kasi dahil sa kanya natuto akong magtiwala ulit, natuto akong magmahal ulit. He's the reason why I'm slowly going back to who I really am.

Kaya pwede ba, wag mo nang pake'alam ang buhay ko? Why don't you just go back to Canda? Why do you have to mess everything when it took me years to fix it?"

After that pumunta na ako sa kwarto ko. I locked myself on my bathroom, crying while covering my mouth. It was always like this. Simula noong naghiwalay ang mga magulang ko parati na lang akong umiiyak sa banyo habang tinatabunan ang bibig ko. Kasi takot ako, takot akong malaman nila na umiiyak ako, na nasasaktan ako. I wanted to act strong in front of them because I don't want to be a burden. Ayokong gambalain ang ibang tao kaya hinahayaan ko nalang ang sarili ko na umiyak ng umiyak.

After an hour of crying, I fixed myself. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and chuckled a bit.

"You look horrible Rielle."

Rielle. I need to call Psyche.

***

:)