Chapter 8 Long Drive

An earthy smell filled my nose, the rain calmed down. Walking towards downtown, my eyes felt heavy. My mind was empty until a memory was triggered. A time after class about two years back when I had my first encounter with suicide first hand. That day I took a trip downtown. I took the train and got off near the giant football stadium. Downtown always looked beautiful at this time of day, it was late into the evening, the air was cool and it was autumn. The streets were lit with lights and the roads were busy. My girlfriend at the time worked further out from downtown at an insurance agency. Her father new the owner and hooked her up with a job. I ordered a taxi and popped in my earbuds. The day was boring and mundane. The football stadium was empty, but I could hear the screams and laughter as the night began to roll in from the nearby theme park. An instant smile came over my face as the thought of cotton candy and roller coasters came to mind as we neared the freeway exit. "Maybe my girlfriend would like to go" I thought. We were at a red light when a man came across. He looked homeless, and I didn't have any money to spare. So I tries to ignore him, only he wasn't asking for money he just walked across the red light and hopped over the fence on the freeway ramp, faced towards the way he came, raised his arms to his sides and fell backwards onto oncoming traffic. I stared, and I didn't know what to say or how to feel. The light turned green but people got out there cars and looked over the freeway to look at the man. Someone called 911. I just stared, my taxi drove and turned. All I saw was a long stretch of road ahead of me. Leading to a small city. And my mind wondered about the man's walk through that long patch of road. What must have gone through his head to walk all this way just to jump off? He must have made up his mind ahead of time. How sad, to be that hopeless. How sad to be at such a loss. How sad, I thought. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine myself walking that long patch of road and climbing over that ramp letting go, and then only seeing black. I opened my eyes. And it was all I could think of, what made this man want to do this. How must have he been feeling to do that. Car sounds all around. Nausea hit me, luckily we arrived. Somehow I didn't remember getting to the insurance agency. My girlfriend came out, smiling and waving. I smiled back, but I didn't feel like smiling. It was insincere. She talked and talked and I pretended to listen but in my head replayed that moment of the man letting go. Over and over and over again. I felt bad, because easily I could be that man. And we all saw it but we didn't know. No information on the man, somehow it made it more relatable. Never before have I seen a man die. I still think of this man. If by no one else, atleast he's remembered by someone. He wore a blue hoodie. Would you ever picture yourself that low? That day I did, and it didn't feel real. Fast forward to the night of my own suicide attempt, wearing a white hoodie to make my body easy to find. And the city was bright with all its lights. My car whizzed by the streets through the falling snow, passed the restaurants passed the coffee shops. Far from home, a long stretch of road from here to there. From here to no longer here. From that day to here what had gone wrong? My heart was no longer in the right place and my eyes were too teary to see clearly. And all I wanted was all this confusion and pain to end. And at that moment I could truly understand how that man could walk down such a long road. His mind was made up for him, as was mine. This pain was different. The kind you wouldn't know how to heal, the kind you never would've experienced without corrosion and time. That wasn't what I pictured that autumn night of the man in the blue hoodie when I imagined being in his shoes. Now I was in his shoes, it was too late for him at a second chance, but not too late for me. I was given another chance, my heart began to beat again after CPR. Luckily the nearest first responders happened to be only a mile away... After Dr. Kristen's car ride I debated whether I ought to leave the state and start everything over. I was looking for opportunity. I stopped walking and turned around. "Man! I'm tired of running!" I said to myself. My past was my past, and there was work to do. A funeral to plan. And a house to take care of. I took the train back home with the change I had. I got off near the mall and walked by home, it was the closest station. I crossed the parking lot and walked by some offices. on the top it read "Armed Forces Career Center". There were four offices. One for the navy, one for the airforce, one for the army, and one for the Marines. I stopped and stared. There was a card on the ground and I picked it up. It was for a recruiter for the marines. I kept it and put it in my pocket and continued walking. Apart of me took it as a sign. Maybe it wasn't, but I wanted to believe it was. I got home around six and the sun was coming up, the rain had stopped and the night was now over. When I got inside I took the card out and called the number on it. A man picked up, our conversation was short. "Hello. I was thinking about joing the Marines.". A Sergeant Ernesto, my soon to be recruiter, invited me to the office later that day to talk about joining. I had walked to my room and layed down. Taking off my clothes, only my underwear was left on. The sun had started to come up. It was the start of a new day and I felt hopeful. The night was over, and from that night at that lake to here. I wouldn't have imagined I'd ever be glad to still be around. I closed my eyes and some tears came out, "Thank you" I cried softly. "Thank you", the sun warmed my face. The birds chirped, the squirrels climbed the trees on my lawn, the sound of the city coming alive slowly filled the emptiness in the soundless air and I enjoyed it, all of it.