Chapter 7 Grieving

I swung open the door of my home, leaving behind a trail of rain as I walked through the empty house. A bottle of wine stood next to a picture of a younger me with my mom. My mom must have left it here, she probably missed me. I picked up the picture before slouching down onto the carpet. She'll have a funeral, I'll make sure of it. People will probably hate me and some will probably say there apologies. I don't care either way. Both would be right to do so. If its a fight they want then I'll give em a fight, but where were they when we needed them? Better yet, where was I? I stared blankly at the ceiling rocking my leg. "Hmmm hmmm hmmm, hmmm hmmmm. Hmmm hmmmm hmm." I hummed to my mother in the picture. I shook my leg and rocked her to rest. I placed the picture back where it was and headed towards the door. I'm still a kid I know now that I don't really know how everything is. My reality isn't what I make it out to be. Although I have the right to feel this way I understand that all it brings me is pain. The reality I've portrayed was not false rather incomplete. I had forgotten certain aspects that might of kept me going. I was confronted with something unlike anything I had ever faced before and I didn't know how I'd deal with it. I was overwhelmed to say the least. I thought my world was over but that wasn't the entire world, that wasn't the end of it all. It just seemed that way. Perception is powerful. I know now that I have much to learn. I have to discover for myself what it is about life that makes it worthwhile, not only that but I want to feel it for myself. What made my mom keep pushing through when we both had this going on? How come she didn't break down like me? I want to know. Rain kept pouring, I reached to grab the handle and as I twisted I had this overwhelming sadness come over me as I looked back to say "Goodbye mom, I'll see you later." I choked and hot tears streamed down "I'm sorry for everything." with that, I shut the door behind me to go my separate way. Cold, so cold... my clothes were soaked. Walking around aimlessly with nowhere to go I found myself on a bench waiting for the bus. As I sat I considered walking back to the hospital, but only for a second. Right then and there I knew that it wasn't an option anymore and it was either do or die. Hopefully the latter of the two. I waited and waited, the bus never came. No instead I saw someone I never expected to see ever again in my life, nor was I sure that I wanted to. Who else but Dr. Kristen to show up when I'm at my lowest. Without wanting to we made eye contact. Her hair in a bun and she wore a button up blouse with glasses on. I'd never seen her looking so... normal. I guess I forgot that she was a person too. Her face looked shocked. Her window rolled down, "Are you okay? Do you need a ride?" She yelled. My gut fought with me, should I accept her invitation or should I just go? I inched towards the car and let myself in, she drove a dark green hatchback and it smelled new. The light was green and we drove down some unfamiliar roads. Dr. Kristen began asking questions, "Why are you out here so late?". My heart didn't have enough fight to tell her that my mom died and I didn't have it in me to try and talk this out. I took a breath in and just stared enjoying the little pretty lights on people's houses, on the stores and gas stations. After what seemed like hours Dr. Kristen stopped the car. We we're outside a library next to town hall. "Look I understand how hard it's been these last couple of months have been and believe me I deeply care for you and I wish that there was more that I could do." She stared at me, holding back her tears. "But I can't let you stay with me, I'm sorry but you're going to have to find somewhere else for tonight. If you'd like I could drop you off, maybe a friend or or a relatives house? I'm sorry but that's the most I could give you." My eyes started to let off a downpour of tears, my voice trembled, "I don't understand... All of this. What was it even all for? Was there some grand lesson I was supposed to learn? Because honestly It feels like I've learned nothing! Nothing! Some days I feel like god hates me and I couldn't tell you why." I was sobbing then Dr. Kristen spoke, "Sometimes life can be difficult, handing you problems that you're not prepared to face. It's those same problems that allow us to be defined by it, grow stronger from it, or it can destroy us. All I wanted to do was to give you the tools you needed to handle those problems and it seems as though I've failed you... And I apologize for that, for all of it. Especially for not telling you the truth. I'm sorry." I had stopped crying, she was right. Goddammit she was right. Dr. Kristen only ever wanted to help, and right now I have a choice on how I'm going to confront my life... Will I crash and burn? Will this moment in my life define me? Or will I choose to grow from it? The answer is obvious but which one will I really choose? The car hummed as warm air blowed all around inside. Only time will tell... two a.m. and the rain hasn't let up. My clothes were still wet, "I think I'll walk." I told Dr. Kristen. And that was the last I saw of her, as I walked off into the night.