Her Loving Smile

I now looked forward to going to school everyday. Everyday when I get on the bus every morning the first thing I see is her. Then she looks up from her book, smile and wave at me with those healing hands of hers. Despite everything she was going through she always put on a smile for everyone else. I wondered if she to would find someone to pull her out of the darkness like she was doing for me. I thought I had gotten used to the darkness and the doors that had always seemed locked. However she was opening all those doors that had seemed locked for so long and bringing light into my life. I knew even back then that one day I would fall back into the darkness I was once in. However in that very moment I was enjoying every possible way to be with her. Now as I'm no longer here I wonder a great many things. I wonder now if she misses me now that I'm gone. I wonder if she even ever care about me or if she was just pitying me. I wonder if she's well and if she smiles as much as she used to. However as look down on her from above I see she is doing well. I see how she cares for everyone no matter there gender, color, or sexuality. I see her smile and I see her cry, and wonder if those tears where ever for me. Maybe I didn't regret my decision back then but I certainly did now. I regret having been the reason she cried and I wondered if she had just walked past me would she be ok now. I know the answer is most likely a yes. I wonder if she ever regrets meeting me. I know now that if I could go back in time, I'd change either the day we met or the day I killed myself. I gald I met her even if I'm dead now. I realize now that I'm dead it's to late to tell her I love her. The day she disappeared without a word, was the worst day of my life. I late found out she had to move but I didn't understand why she never said goodbye. I know now that I'll never know but I think she was scared to say bye. I tried to live a good life for her but everyone would just keep knocking me down, so I took the easy way out. At least that's what I thought back then. I was the worst decision I had ever made and I do regret it. I wish I could change it but I can't.

"Author's note" This story isn't really about Ryan it's about you. Ryan can't change what happened but he can save you. Ryan once said the decision we make a final and I wish now I had chosen a different path. There are no second chances in life and no do overs. If somehow you find yourself alive after trying to commit suicide take it as a second chance. Remember you are not alone in this. Ryan is dead and there's nothing he can do to change that but maybe he can save you. That's why I'm writing his story.