Chapter twenty seven - responsibilities

Chapter twenty-seven :)

My want to be the best spread onto other jobs that we had to do, like remaking the horse's bed in the stable and cleaning the tack. It worked this time and I loved it. I got awards for those too.

That sparks a quite valid question, does wanting to be the best in everything and the need to be noticed related to eating disorders and anorexia? If so, why?

This was the question...

After two years of being at that college, I decided that it was becoming too hard for me and as my mood slipped and my depression got worse, so did my patience, motivation and interests. (They slipped further and further away)

They challenged me, moving me into a more independent house; giving me more responsibilities and jobs. This just made things worse for me.

I was getting more and more tired because of my depression and lack of motivation and I was made to work longer days and later nights. (Early start, late nights)

I liked this at first because it made me feel like I was doing better than some other people and I managed to get up on time to do what was now expected of me.

However as my depression slipped, so did my interests and slowly and gradually lost interest altogether. I was exhausted and I was no longer interested in looking after horses, so I started making excuses like I needed the toilet and my boots need polishing to get me away from the work that had to be done. Spending a longer time getting my stuff out of my mini pigeon-hole locker in the mornings, just sitting on the bench before reluctantly going to work on the yard that day. Spending a longer time polishing my boots, using that chance to have the best most shiniest boots; because I was essentially taking my anger out on my boots. Choosing to clean tack instead of mucking out a stable. Sleeping through my morning alarm and getting up to work on the yard before breakfast late.

Eventually, I had had enough and I chose to quit after two years instead of doing the third and final year there, because what's the point in doing something that you no longer wanted to do anymore.....?

Anyway, I went slightly off-topic there... Because I left I had to find an emergency placement to live in. I ended up moving into the more independent house and this is where I really noticed that I had a problem with eating.